I'm just gonna get some flowers, dear. I'll be back in 20 minutes.
It's tulip season today.
And I'm, oh, so happy.
Son of a bitch. Come on, sweetie.
Excuse me.
Yes, come on. Come on now, sweetheart.
Come on, sweetie. Come on.
Let's go for a little ride, then you can whiz all over the city.
Come on, go for a ride. Come on. Come on, sweetie.
No! Freeze! Freeze!
Leg down! Leg down! Leg down! Leg down!
That's it. That's it. Come on now.
Come on. Come on, now. Come on.
No! You monkey-eared son of a...
You have pissed your last floor.
I'll bet you wish you were a real...
Oh, you... You dog-eared monkey.
This is New York. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.
You relentless, smelly, little...
Verdell? Uh-oh.
Verdell? Verdell?
Where's my good doggie? Verdell?
Come here, sweetheart.
Mr. Udall? Mm-hmm.
Have you seen Verdell? What does he look like?
Uh, my dog. You know, my...
My dog with the little face. Little adorable face.
Don't you know what it looks like?
Oh, I got it. You were talking about your dog.
I thought it was the name of that colored man I've been seeing in the halls.
Which color was that?
Uh, like thick molasses with a broad nose.
Perfect for smelling... Frank!
- Just a second. - -prison food.
Frank. Like the last art party.
Simon, you have got to get dressed.
Frank Sachs. Melvin Udall. How you doing?
Frank shows my work, Mr. Udall. I think
I think you know that. People are gonna start coming.
Please. What I know is,
as long as you keep your work zipped up
I don't give a rat crap what or where you shove your show.
Are we done being neighbors for now?
Let me talk to you... No! No! No! Not worth it.
Definitely not worth it. Verdell must be in the apartment.
Okay.
Hope you find him. Love that dog.
You don't love anything, Mr. Udall.
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
One, two, three, four, five.
Okay.
Hot. Hot, hot, hot.
Hi, Carl. Frank.
So where is he? He lives here.
Take it easy. He just had a thing with the dog.
First, it's not just a hot-looking dog.
He's adorable.
Where you going? He's not the only one who's working.
My honey. Where have you been?
Oh, look at my boy. Look at him. Mmm.
Yeah, I found him, Mr. Bishop. I know you did. We know you did.
Where was my little baby? Where was my baby?
In the basement garbage bin eating diaper shit.
Go ahead, John. You earned your fun.
Sorry, it just struck me as funny.
Oh, uh, wait.
How did he get down in the basement?
I mean, even if he got in the elevator...
Maybe some nice neighbor shoved him down the garbage chute.
"Somewhere in the dark,
she had confessed and he had forgiven.
This is what you live for, he said.
Two heads on a pillow where all is approval.
And there is only the safety of being with each other.
"How, she wondered, could she find such hope in the most shameful part of her?"
Mr. Udall! "At last,
she was able to define love."
"Love was"
Mr. Udall, I'd like to speak to you, please. Let me do this by myself.
"Love was..."
Are you in there?
Son of a bitch!
Pansy-assed stool-pusher!
Yes?
Maybe this can wait.
I... I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.
Well, that's a load off.
Uh-huh. Did you... Did you do something to him?
Do you realize I work at home? No, I wasn't aware.
Do you like being interrupted when playing in your garden?
No, I... I actually will turn the ringer off on my phone.
And sometimes I put a piece of cardboard
I work all the time.
So never, never interrupt me. Okay?
Not if there's a fire. Not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home,
one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body
and you have to hold a hanky to your face
because the stench is so thick you think you're gonna faint.
Even then, don't come knocking.
Or if it's election night and you're excited and you wanna celebrate
because some fudge-packer that you date
has been elected the first queer president of the United States.
And he's going to have you down to Camp David,
and you want someone to share the moment with.
Even then, don't knock. Not on this door.
Not for any reason.
Do you get me, sweetheart?
Yes. It's not a subtle point that you're making.
Okay, then.
So the theory of confrontations is now he'll think twice before messing with me.
All right.
"Love was..."
What was love?
"Love was..."
Oh, now I'm pissed. Now I'm really pissed!
Don't touch!
Don't touch! Shh! Shh!
Shut up! You think you can intimidate the world,
but you don't intimidate me.
I grew up in hell. My grandmother had more attitude.
Police! Doughnut-munching morons!
Help me! Help me! Help me! Shh. Stop it.
Shh! Assault! And you're black!
I like Simon. I like him enough to batter you unrecognizable
if you verbally abuse him or so much as touch that dog again.
Meantime, I'm gonna think of some way you can make it up to him.
I hate doing this! I'm an art dealer.
Have a nice day.
Okay, party! Party.
Excuse me. Whoa. Don't touch.
Don't touch. Get a life.
Watch it. Don't touch!
Hey.
Look at you. All better, huh? That new medication.
You know all my son's stuff? Yeah.
No, no, no. I've got a date tonight.
I'm walking out the door, he says, "Mom, I promise
not to get one of my fevers during your date."
Oh, isn't that sweet? A little blond angel.
Eat everything.
I said, "You love me the way you love your remote control
as long as I switch every time you press my buttons."
That's great. That's terrific. I know.
People that talk in metaphors ought to shampoo my crotch.
Eat up! Good. Stay there.
I've got your money.
Pay me next week. No, I owe you.
I told you today. That's the rule.
Excuse me, Melvin. Uh...
Oop, excuse me.
There you go. You take care. Thank you.
Pardon me. Pardon me.
Take the money. Debts make me crazy.
This way you take a cab home so you have time to get ready.
Ready is not my problem.
I'm starving. Go on, sit down.
You know you're not allowed back here.
Spence is more excited about it than I am.
He says, "I promise not to get..." Mm-mm. No, no.
Sometimes, these kids, you just wanna
I've got Jews at my table. God.
It's not your table. It's the place's table.
Behave. You can sit at someone else's station.
Or you can wait your turn.
I'm glad you let him go. You have feelings for her?
Well, yes.
How much more have you got to eat?
Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?
What? That's it! Forget it, that's it.
Let me talk to him. Let's go.
I'm gonna talk... Give him one more chance.
Barred for life. Here I go.
They left. Yeah, what do you know?
Bryan says he doesn't care how long you've been coming,
if you ever act like this again you're barred for life.
I'm gonna miss the excitement, but I'll handle it.
Three eggs, over easy.
Two sausage, six strips of bacon with fries.
Fries today?
A short stack. Coffee with cream and sweetener.
You're gonna die soon with that diet. You know that.
We're all gonna die soon. I will, you will and it sure sounds like your son will.
If you ever mention my son again
you will never be able to eat here again. Do you understand?
Give me some sign you understand, or leave now.
Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?
Do you?
Yea...
Yes.
Okay, I'll get your order.
I want you to wear my earrings tonight.
It's just so interesting what you said at dinner. You said it like it was nothing.
I mean, if you... Ahh!
Where's the bedroom? Uh, this is sort of it.
I sort of sleep in here.
Don't worry about it.
What?
I don't know.
Grandma. Grandma!
Maybe you better check. What did you think I'd do?
Oh, I'm sorry. Mama.
I was hearing everything that you were doing,
so I put these on to give you privacy.
So how was dinner?
Hey, pal. How was your friend?
Are you okay? Not bad.
You got a temperature? Scootch over.
Where did your friend take you?
A nice place.
Carol, I have him.
One more spit? I have him. He's waiting.
Go. She has me.
Okay, pal. Give me a hug. Carol.
Give me a big hug. Carol, I have him.
I'm okay, Mom. She has me. Go.
Close the curtains.
No! You can't smoke. He can't take smoke.
Magic.
Ah.
Oh, God! That'll teach you. I don't even notice it anymore.
All right. Come here.
You don't have to get that embarrassed. It's a little bit of throw-up.
"Little bit of throw-up"?
Well, what shall we do?
You want me to write down which trains you take home?
No, no, no. I'll... I'll take a cab.
It's just a little too much reality for a Friday night.
I just can't. I promised Simon I'd find him a model.
Take me off the speaker. Did I tell you these are house seats?
Come on. You could use a break. Hello? Carl? You there?
Hello? Okay. I just found a model.
Hey, boys! Hey, look. I know this guy.
He even bought me dinner.
Carl, right?
Hey, what's going on?
Hey. Hi. Remember? I only need one.
You picked me up, maybe a few weeks. I don't know, some time ago.
But this is for a portrait. I need a pretty face.
Portrait?
I'll give you the address. It's for tomorrow morning.
Brad Pitt is the shit. Do you read?
Who is it, baby?
Who is that, Verdell? Who is that?
I'm sorry. I told you today.
I was in the studio, doing a little work and I just...
So... It's out here.
You sure have great things. Gershwin. He's great, isn't he?
I make a big deal about picking models,
but Carl is so thorough.
I bet he drove you nuts checking your résumé, huh?
This is not a nude.
Just kidding around.
So much for love.
And yet another pose.
Exactly, what is your previous experience?
How about that, hmm?
I'm running out of ideas here.
Well, then give me some direction, okay.
Uh, nothing. I just watch until something strikes me.
I mean, do anything you think of.
Wait for me to say hold that pose, then just try to comfortably hold it.
No direction.
Okay.
What I do is, I watch.
Ever watch somebody who doesn't know you're watching them?
An old woman sitting on a bus? Or kids going to school?
Somebody just waiting, and you see this flash come over them.
And you know immediately that it has nothing to do with anything external
because that hasn't changed.
When you see it, they're just realer and more alive.
I mean, you look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.
Wow.
I know exactly what you mean.
Oh, my God. Hold it.
Hey, look out.
Excuse me.
Whoa! Oh! Sorry.
So I got on the third line of dialogue.
And I blanked. I have no clue as to what the next line was.
Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop. Ignores me.
So he said to me, "Last chance."
Oh, God. Last chance.
I came back in. Here she comes to ignore me again.
And I messed up the same line.
Mmm. I know.
But guess what. What?
He cast me! Oh!
Just what the world needs. Another actress.
Okay, okay. Okay.
Can't live without me, huh?
I'm finally gonna ask. All right, what's with the plastic picnic ware?
Why don't you try ours? Afraid it isn't clean?
You okay? Yep.
I've seen the help. It's a judgment call.
So give yourself a little pep talk.
"Try other people's clean silverware as part of the fun of dining out."
What's wrong with your son? What do you care?
He's got to fight to breathe. His asthma can just shoot off the charts.
He's allergic to dust. And this is New York,
so his immune system bails on him whenever there's trouble, so an ear infect...
Is this bothering you? No.
An ear infection sends us to the emergency room five, six times a month,
where I get some nine-year-old they just made a doctor.
It was nice chatting with you.
Wai...
His name? Spencer.
Okay.
Spence.
It's okay. It's okay. Go on.
You can put on anything you want now.
I might be done here. I've been coming here
two weeks and all we've done is work. Let's play!
Listen...
So you're practically finished, huh?
Uh, yeah. There is one more stage.
Oh.
Where are you going? No place. Gonna sneak a peek.
Verdell, want some chocolate? No, he's not allowed.
Wait! I gotta take off. Do you want to say goodbye?
Yeah. He's just gotta go. One second.
No, wait. Um... Um
I'm gonna look at the painting, all right?
Where are you going, sweetheart? Verdell.
Want some water? What's the matter with you? Come on.
You want some water?
Simon, wait!
Yo.
Why are you doing this?
No. No, no, wait.
See, that painting in there... What, are you cruising him?
Excuse me.
Help me! Come on! We gotta go!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Okay, so you call 911 and don't leave your name?
That's right. Yes.
Even a dumb geezer knows... Just move on.
No one was killed. Hey!
Oh, is he dead? Ask him.
What's wrong with you?
Don't bark at me. I didn't name you.
We will. And if we can't, we'll come back and ask you again and again.
Hey, what, are you trying to intimidate me with the attitude?
I come from hell. My grandma's got more attitude than you.
They want you inside. Shake down a 7-Eleven
for a day-old wiener. It's a matter of time.
There's a painting of one of the guys.
Get some tape on it.
Oh, I've been praying for him since I heard.
So anyway, I'm on my way to the hospital.
If you could watch the dog,
just for tonight. Oh, no, no.
No? No. I'm sorry.
Okay. Thanks. No, no. Sorry.
Uh-uh.
Old bitch. Damn dog.
You're taking him! Yes. Yes, you are!
Get the hell out of the way!
You're taking him. This will even the books.
No, no. Wait! Wait!
Do you wanna say no to me?
You wanna say no to me, huh?
You wanna say no to me.
I don't wanna say nothing to you.
Because I've never felt this crazy as I do right now.
I almost want you to say no.
Thanks for looking after him.
Hey! Where you going? You can't do this!
You don't wanna mess with me today.
I can't take a dog. Nobody's been in here before.
Hey, Frank. Frank.
Hey, Frank. Frank!
One, two, three, four.
You're dead.
We don't have no dog food here. We don't want no dog food here.
You'll eat what we got. What we eat.
All right.
Don't you do anything!
Where's the trust?
Never, never dogs.
God!
We're not gonna sell anything if they find out we're halfway through
and we haven't sold a single painting.
No, we can't reduce the price at this stage.
Shh. Shh. I'm in a free fall here. Yes.
We can see him. Okay, I'll meet you in there.
I will meet you in there, okay? One minute.
Thank you. No, I'm here.
How are you doing, great one? I haven't looked at myself yet.
I figured I could tell from your reaction.
That bad, huh? I talked to the doctor and...
Oh, shit! Ugh!
Okay, it's not that bad.
The doctors say you're gonna be your old self in a couple weeks.
I mean, the scars here might take a little... Oh, shit!
Oh. Oh, Simon.
Jackie? Yes?
Will you hand me a mirror, please?
No.
Wait. I have a smaller one.
Okay.
So how are things, anyway?
How is Verdell? Your neighbor, Mr. Udall,
taking care of him.
How... How could you do that?
He'll hurt him. No. No, Simon, no, I promise.
Not a chance. I own this guy. Besides, there was nobody else.
You know, I'm always on the move and...
Trust me.
You are certain my dog is okay? Because you have no idea...
Yes, your dog is fine, Simon.
Okay.
Waiting gives the devil time.
Oh, my.
Where did I go?
Look how friendly... That's your dog?
No, no.
What are you doing with a dog?
Suckered in, set up, pushed around.
You're not worried someone might take it?
No, not until now, for Christ sake.
Sorry. I'm gonna sit here.
Hey, puppy. He's cute.
Hey. I love his face. It's so cute.
I wonder what breed he is.
He's a little dog. Next time, if Bryan's not here, bring him in.
How old are you?
If I was gonna guess by your eyes, I'd say you were 50.
If I went by your eyes, I'd say you were kind, so... So much for eyes.
But as long as you bring up age, how old are you?
No, no... You brought it up. I'm curious.
Not that you're ugly. Easy, easy, pal.
I can take the compliment.
But my knees start knocking when you turn on the charm.
No, but I mean, what's with the dark?
Dawn patrol.
Major dawn patrol. My son had a full-blown attack.
And this time, for extra fun they gave us the wrong antibiotics.
So I get him home... No, no, no!
The dog. It's bacon for... Bacon's for the dog.
Last week I was playing the piano for him. And he likes it.
So I decide I'm gonna make a little joke.
So you're all set here. Yeah.
It's a beautiful day for our walk today. Very nice.
Hey, hey.
Look at that. Look at him.
I've gotta give you something. I've gotta give you something real good too.
I'm gonna show it to you. Come on, buddy.
Don't be like me. Don't you be like me.
You stay just the way you are because you are a perfect man.
And I'm gonna take you home and get you something to eat.
Aw. I'd like to be treated like that.
I'm gonna take you home right now and get you something. Yes.
Let's go home and do some writing.
"He had made the girl happy. And what a girl."
You've saved my life, she said.
"You'd better make it up to me."
Done. Done!
Yes, I hate the doggie. Yes, I hate the doggie.
Sixty-two books. Done.
We have to cut expenses every place we can.
No medical insurance? No.
Let me see. These are the food receipts, household expenses.
Here's one for the dog again. Uh-huh. I can read it. I got it.
The laundry and the cleaners. Okay, good.
Boy, look at that. He likes it.
He likes it at Chez Melvin. Mm-hmm.
What are you coming here for? I told you to sit here. I can't cook with a dog near me.
Okay. Just sit. Good.
We don't want any company. I'll read you Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Okay, have it your way.
Hey.
How's Verdell doing? He's a pain in the ass.
Well...
Simon's home. I was sort of hoping you can keep the dog
until he's had a chance to think and adjust?
Well, it's been weeks and weeks. A few more won't matter.
No, no. He wants him back right away. He'll be by tomorrow.
Okay. Okay by me.
Hungry? Be right with you, pooch.
One, two, three, four.
Okay.
Mr. Udall.
Some face they left hanging on you. You look like...
Could you take it
just a little easy, Mr. Udall?
Thank you.
Verdell.
Come here, my beautiful boy. Come here. Come here, boy.
Let's go home and get well.
You can't blame him for being weird.
Look at yourself in the mirror.
Thank you.
Come on, sweetheart.
Verdell, come here. Come here, boy.
I know what you want.
Come on. Where's my boy?
No. No, don't force him.
Over a dog!
Over an ugly dog.
Worst sidewalk in New York. Look where they put it.
Hi. Help!
If you wanna see me, you will not do this. Make an appointment.
Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive-compulsive disorder
and then act as though I had a choice about barging in?
There's not going to be a debate. Leave.
You said you could help me.
What was that? A tease? I can help if you take responsibility...
You changed the room around. Two years ago.
I also regrew a beard, but you're not interested in changes in me.
I don't have this mountain of available time. I have to get to my restaurant on time.
Do you know how hard it was for me to come here?
Yes. Thank you.
No, we're not doing this now.
I changed just one pattern, as you always said I should.
No. Nope.
Oh, I read that paper. Thank you...
What if this is as good as it gets?
Oh.
What the heck are those for?
No, no, no. Get Carol.
Oh, I'm filling in. We don't know if she's coming back.
I think she might be getting a job closer to home.
Why plastic? What are you trying to do to me?
What the heck do you mean? Look, elephant girl.
Just go get Carol or something. Have her do my one meal here.
You know, I'll pay whatever you want. I'll wait.
Do it!
Bryan, Bryan. Code blue. Oh, no.
Out! Just shut up and get out. Do it!
I'll be quiet. Just let me stay here. No problem.
Go get Carol. Get her here.
I'm not a prick. You are. I'm not judging. I'm a great customer.
This day has been a disaster.
I'm not sure if I can handle this too. Get out!
Get out immediately or there's gonna be trouble.
Man, I mean it.
Okay.
Yeah!
See you. Goodbye.
It's about time.
Carol's last name? Uh, Connelly.
Thank you.
Hey, Dad! Dad, I'm over here.
Does he visit often? Not really. Not anymore.
What can you do?
Can I get some ice cream, Grandpa?
Why not? You're a good girl.
Hello.
Ay-yi-yi.
Oh!
Christ.
I'm hungry.
You've ruined my whole day. I haven't eaten.
What are you doing here? This is not a sexist thing.
Are you totally gone? This is my private home.
I'm trying to keep emotion out of this, even though it's an important issue to me.
And I have very strong feelings on the subject.
What subject?
That I wasn't there to take crap and bring you eggs?
Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Yes, I do, as a matter of fact.
And to prove it, I have not gotten personal, and you have.
Why aren't you at work? Are you sick?
You don't look sick.
Just tired and bitter.
My son is sick, okay?
What about your mother?
How do you know about my mother? I hear you talking while I wait.
I finished my juice. I'm sorry, honey. One sec.
Mom.
How are you doing?
You should answer someone when they speak to you.
I'm sorry. That's it. I cannot handle you teaching my son manners.
Ow.
Back to life.
Uh-oh. What's wrong?
Five one-thousand, four one-thousand,
three one-thousand, two one-thousand... Bingo.
104.9.
Better treat ourselves to a cab ride.
Look out, you guys. Coming through.
Look out, you guys.
We're okay. We're okay.
Melvin! Wait!
Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait!
Shut up, kids!
Give us a lift, would you, Melvin?
Cover your mouth when you cough.
Brooklyn Presbyterian Hospital, please. And quickly.
Okay.
Hospital? Yes.
Any chance you'll be back at work today?
No!
Stay away from me. God!
Simon, we can't put this off any longer. I feel terrible that I have to...
Simon? Huh?
Simon, could you just leave the dog for a second?
Sorry.
What are those cards? Oh, Frank's idea.
He thought I should have notes so I did this right.
Maintain focus, didn't get emotional and tried not to terrify you.
See? He's right. I need the cards.
Simon, you're broke.
The medical bills are 61,000. And the show didn't go well.
I've spoken to your parents. They didn't hang up or anything.
But they said they would feel strange about calling you.
Well, I can't call them. Come here, baby.
Verdell? What's wrong?
You miss the tough guy?
Well, here I am, sweetheart.
Happy to see me, you little piss-ant mop?
How about a ride down the chute?
Oh, God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry. Simon.
I didn't mean that, sweetheart. Simon.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'll be able to keep my apartment and the studio, won't I?
Uh...
Wow.
Oh, my God. Wow.
Yes, you write more than everybody else.
You make us a lot of money. But it's more appropriate...
Look. Look, I need this.
Just say, "Melvin, I'll try." Okay? Okay?
Melvin, I'll try. Thank you.
Now on a pleasant note, my son, he just got accepted to Brown.
My husband was dying.
Good, nice, thrilled, exciting. You don't have to wait with me.
I can't resist.
You usually move through here so quickly and I have so many questions I want to ask.
You have no idea what your work means to me.
What does it mean to you?
That somebody out there knows what it's like to be in here.
Oh, God, this is like a nightmare.
Oh, come on. Just a couple of questions. How hard is that?
How do you write women so well? I think of a man.
And I take away reason and accountability.
"M.D."
What's wrong?
Mom! In here, Mrs. Connelly.
What? What? Hi.
Please, what? Just tell me. I'm...
Please, just tell me! I'm Martin Bettes, Dr. Bettes.
Not your name. What are you telling me your name for?
Where is he? He's in the bathroom.
Hey. What's wrong?
Nothing.
You know there are doctors that come to your house?
I'm home. So, what are you doing here?
I didn't know you had a secret admirer.
What? Oh, you met the gift.
He's good. I'm an expert on doctors.
Okay, doctor?
My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher.
She said I was to take care of this guy because you are urgently needed
back at work. That's what she told me.
What kind of work do you do? I'm a waitress.
In Manhattan. Dr. Bettes?
Uh, yeah, Terry. Excuse me.
Hi. I'm sorry it took so long. I don't know Brooklyn.
I couldn't find it, either.
Could you get this to the lab? I need C.B.C., differential,
platelets, the whole thing. Okay.
And I want it today. Okay.
Did you say you were gonna get the results back today?
Sure. Let's sit down.
These are the receipts from all the prescriptions from the beginning of the year.
The calendar. This is a calendar of days.
And how he felt. That's good. That's very good.
How long has he had the problem? Since forever.
Mm-hmm. Six months old.
Have they done blood tests? Yeah.
Only in the emergency room or when he was well?
Emergency room only. How about testing for allergies?
No. No standard scratch test?
No, I asked. They said my plan didn't cover it and that it wasn't necessary anyway.
Why? Should they have? Well...
HMO bastard pieces of shit! Carol!
I'm sorry.
That's okay. I think that's their technical name.
So once the tests come back, is there someone in your office
we should talk to to get the results, or...?
Um, me. My home number is on the card.
That's his home number.
What? Your home...
Can we get you anything else? Do you want some water or some coffee?
No, thank you.
Couple of female slaves?
Mrs. Connelly, there's still a lot of tests I need to do.
A lot of things I have to find out here.
But look, whatever I find out, I promise you at the very least,
from now on your son is gonna feel a great deal better, okay?
Doc!
No. Fine. Okay. Okay. That's good.
Oh, that's...
Listen. Let me know about additional costs. One way or another we'll...
Well, the costs are gonna be considerable, I'm afraid.
But don't worry. Mr. Udall wants to be billed.
That's wonderful.
Anyway, dear.
Thank you for everything, Nora.
Forgive my recent crankiness. I'll call when things get back on track.
Huh?
What's wrong? Who's gonna walk Verdell?
Oh, no.
No.
Is he dead yet? No.
Would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him?
Absolutely. You're a wonderful man.
Two o'clock would be a good time. And here is the key in case he's asleep.
Open his curtains for him so he can see God's beautiful work.
And he'll know that even things like this happen for the best.
Where did they teach you to talk like this?
In some Panama City "Sailor, wanna hump-hump" bar?
Or is this getaway day and your last shot at his whisky?
Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.
No! No! No! There is a seriously goofy man behind this. You're not allowed block out that fact.
Do you really want to go back to emergency,
where those runt doctors keep telling us that they can't help?
This lets a crazy man into our lives.
Come on!
You know how this will turn out.
This is not like stockings. It's not like a string of pearls.
You don't send this one back.
Right?
No. I do, I understand.
All right, listen. I gotta go, okay?
No.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
What a day. Come here, come here.
Maybe I'll bring him some food by.
Thank you for walking him.
If you'll excuse me, I'm not feeling so well.
This place smells like shit.
Go away.
This cleaning lady doesn't...? Please, just leave!
What happened to your queer party friends?
Get out of here!
There's nothing worse than having to feel this way in front of you.
Nelly, you're a disgrace to depression.
Rot in hell, Melvin. No need to stop being a lady.
Quit worrying. You'll be back on your knees in no time.
Is this fun for you? Hmm?
You lucky devil. It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?
I'm losing my apartment, Melvin.
And Frank, he wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me, for help.
And I won't. And
I don't wanna paint anymore.
So the life I was trying for is over.
The life that I had is gone,
and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe.
It's high times for you, isn't it, Melvin? The gay neighbor is terrified.
Terrified!
I was just trying to give you a boost.
Lucky you. You're here for rock bottom.
You absolute horror of a human being.
The one thing I'll do for you... Might cheer you up.
Get out.
You wanna know why the dog prefers me? It's not affection.
It's a... It's a trick.
I keep bacon in my pocket.
See?
Oh, my gosh.
We'll both call him. You'll see. It's a trick.
Okay?
Come here, Verdell. Come here.
Yo, yo.
Come on.
Come here. Come here, baby. No.
It's okay. Come here.
Just a stupid dog.
Could you leave now? Please?
I don't get it. I don't get it.
Taxi!
"Classic TV Rewind."
On repeat viewing, one suspects that might not really be
Mr. Udall!
Carol the waitress? Yes.
Hi.
The doctors gave me your billing address. Sorry about the hour.
Um...
If you're, uh...
If you're worried about thanking me...
That's not why I'm here.
Though you have no idea what it's like to have
a real conversation with a doctor about Spencer.
Note. Put it in a note.
Oh.
I have a hairdryer. Why did you do this for me?
So you'd come back to work and wait on me.
Do you have some idea how strange that sounds?
I'm worried you did this be...
Are you waiting for me to say something?
Look
I'll be at the restaurant tomorrow.
I don't think this can wait until tomorrow. I need to clear this up now.
Clear what up?
I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never sleep with you. Never ever!
Not ever!
Well, I'm sorry, but
we don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9 a.m.
I'm not kidding. Anything else?
I just...
Thank you.
So you'll be at work tomorrow?
Yes.
"Never," she said. "Never," she said.
I took a... Took a chance you were up.
I brought you some Chinese soup.
Um...
Thanks.
Boy.
Never been this tired in my life.
I haven't been sleeping.
I haven't been clear in my head or felt like myself.
I'm in trouble.
It's not just the tiredness.
Boy. Sick. Nauseous.
Sleepy.
Everything looks distorted and everything inside just kind of aches.
And you can barely find the will to complain.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm glad we did this.
Good talking to you.
You are not still writing that thank-you note?
I'm on the last page. How do you spell "conscience?"
C-O-N-S-C-I-E-N-C-E.
Look, I got Sean from the bakery to baby-sit so we could go out.
I still don't feel safe leaving Spencer with someone. Could you spell that again?
Spencer's okay. You better start finding something else to do with your free time.
Sean, are you hungry? Yeah.
All right.
We got pizza. Carol and I are going out.
Sausage, pepperoni. You wanna make this later for you and Spencer?
We are going out, like people do.
If you can't feel good about this break and step out a little
then I think you ought to have Mr. Udall send you over a psychiatrist.
I don't need one because I know what's really going on here.
I gotta finish this letter or I'll go nuts.
Carol... This can't be right. "Con science?"
Carol!
What?
It's very weird now, not feeling that
stupid panic thing inside me all the time.
Without that, I just start thinking about myself.
And what good does that ever get anybody?
Today on the bus there was this adorable couple.
And I felt myself
giving them a dirty look.
I just had no idea. Everything was...
Go ahead.
Moving in the wrong direction.
Away from a time when I remembered what it was like to have a man to anything...
Hold fucking...
Sorry. No, it's okay.
Hands with for Christ sake.
And
I felt almost really bad that Dr. Bettes is married.
Which is probably why I make poor Spencer hug me more than he wants to.
Poor kid doesn't have enough problems. He has to make up for his Mom not getting any.
Who needs these thoughts? So are you frustrated?
Leave me be. Why are you doing this? What is it you want?
I hope getting me thinking about everything that's wrong
when all I wanna do is not do that has some purpose.
Really, Mom, what is it you want?
What? I want us to go out.
Okay.
Thank you.
Now I gotta send you a thank-you note.
Everyone's here and giant Joey! Who's this?
Emily!
That's why you brought me here? That's really why?
Well, you know, it's not even mine.
This guy, Simon seems to have enough on his mind.
But the dog did throw up twice last night. His spark is off.
Well, take him to the vet. I did.
They say his stomach's out of whack.
And they need him a couple of days. Well, do it! What...?
Sorry. Excuse me.
This is for later. What's this?
Um, it's a note. A note?
Yeah. It's a thank-you note. A thank-you note? No, no.
You can read it later. No, thank you.
No thank-you note. No, no, no.
Thank you. Thank you.
She's nice.
Yeah, really nice.
Shouldn't that be a good thing, telling somebody, "No thanks required"?
Yeah. Yeah.
Sure looks like it went over too.
I mean, look at you.
You're sure making the rounds. Simon says you brought him soup last night.
What? Look at you. You think I'm a mark.
You helped with the dog, now there's other things.
Hey, I'm as concerned about Simon as you are.
Concerned? It's not just financial assistance.
Hey... He's gotta get to Baltimore
to ask his parents for money tomorrow.
Yeah, well, yeah. If his parents are alive,
I mean, they have to help. It's the rules.
Good. That's great. Absolutely.
Let them help him.
Only, uh
I got a high-maintenence selling painter coming, so I'm out.
Can you drive him?
Think white and get serious!
Take my car? A convertible.
Do you drive? Like the wind. I'm not doing it.
Getting loud. Getting loud.
He wants me to take his car and his client to Baltimore.
I want your life where my big problem is somebody offers me a free convertible
so I can get out of this city.
Go ahead, girl. Okay. I'll do it.
I'll take him. I'll take him.
Yeah. Get him ready, packed. Tomorrow morning, I'll take him.
Okay. I'll take him. Fine. Okay.
Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow. Let's not drag this out.
We don't enjoy one another that much.
If there's some mental health foundation that raises money for people like you,
please be sure to let me know.
Last-word freak.
Bye-bye. Good luck, lady.
So anything else?
Yeah.
I'm gonna give my queer neighbor a lift to Baltimore.
Okay. Hey.
What I did for you, it's working out?
What you did changed my life.
No!
No thank-you note.
Well, part of what I said in this entire history of my life,
which you won't read
is that somehow, you have done more for my mother, my son and me
than anybody else ever has.
I'm just gonna read you this part of it.
"And that makes you the most important, surprising, generous person
I ever met in my life.
And that you're gonna be in our prayers, our daily prayers, forever."
Lovely. I
I also wrote one part... I'm just gonna say, I wrote I'm sorry.
I was talking about I was sorry when I got mad at you for...
For... When you came over and you told my son that he ought to answer back.
So I wrote that I was sorry about that. And that I
I wrote I was sorry for busting you on that and for busting in on you that night
when I said I was never
I was sorry. And I'm sorry for every time your food was cold
and that you had to wait two seconds for a coffee fill.
And I'm sorry for never spotting at the table in the restaurant
the human being that had it in him to do this thing for us.
You know what, I'm just gonna start from the beginning.
"I have not been able to express my gratefulness to you.
Even as I look at the word 'grateful' now, it doesn't begin to tell you what I feel."
Uh...
That's nice of you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Now I want you to do something for me.
I'm sorry. Didn't I say "what?" I thought I said, "what."
What? I want you to go on this trip.
No, sir. I can't do this without you.
I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one-eye on me.
I need you to chaperone. Separate everything but cars.
You said you liked convertibles. Now I'm on the hook.
I'm sorry. The stiff one-eye? Two days.
I can't, I work. You'll get off when you want to.
My son. Bettes said he's doing fine.
Melvin, I'd rather not. What has that got to do with it?
Funny, I thought it was a strong point.
Write a note. Ain't she sweet?
I need a hand and where'd she go?
Are you saying accepting your help obligates me?
Is there any other way to see it?
No.
Here's a little suitcase. Shocked that it's being used.
There's no way to pack for this trip.
Hello.
You're still coming, aren't you? Yes.
Melvin, I would like to know exactly where we are going.
Just south of Baltimore, Maryland.
And I know what you're gonna say.
I mean, I... I think I know.
I'm not sure, but I think so.
There's no need for me to bring anything dressy?
I didn't know if we were gonna be eating in restaurants that have dress codes?
Well, I, uh...
Maybe.
Yes. Let's. Let's. Okay, gotcha.
What did you think I was gonna ask?
Whether crabs were in season now.
Oh, okay, then. Goodnight.
Anything unusual in his diet? No.
Everybody gets their own cage? Certainly.
Okay. Put him in with that one. Not that one.
Builds his confidence, huh?
Lip kiss.
I love you. I'll miss you.
Hey! Real sensitive.
Bye.
Call me when you get settled.
Don't worry, Mom. Have a good time. Don't run!
Have fun, don't worry! Don't run.
Have fun, but don't run. Grandma will take care of me.
Bye!
Sorry I'm not taking you myself.
So am I, Frank.
Give me a hug.
Everything's gonna be okay.
All right? Yep.
Soak it up. It's your last chance for a hug for a few days.
Hello.
Hi.
Thank you for being on time.
Hi. Oh, uh... Oh.
Carol the waitress. Simon the fag.
Hello.
Holy God. Who did that to you?
Um, I was attacked. I walked in on some men robbing me.
And I was hospitalized.
I almost died. Do the small talk in the car.
Uh, let's go.
I was gonna do that for you. It's all right.
Where should we sit? Uh, well, uh...
There's no place cards or anything...
It's all right. You look like you need all the room you can manage.
So I'll sit in the back.
Never a break. Never.
I'm sorry. Thank you for the seat. It was very thoughtful.
You look like you're crowded in there. It's all right.
Thanks.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I've got the whole trip programmed.
I'm just kidding. I wanted to see what you'd do.
No, seriously.
We've got good stuff here.
I like this music.
They did something really off for you to feel this way.
But when it comes to your parents or your kid
something will always be off for you, unless you set it straight.
And maybe this thing happened to you to give you a chance to do that.
Nonsense. And you wanna know why?
Anybody here who's interested in what Melvin has to say, raise their hand.
You wanna know what happened with my parents?
Yes.
When I was a kid... Wait.
I'm gonna pull over. Give you my full attention.
I always painted. And my mom always encouraged it.
She was really sort of fabulous about it.
And she used to... I was too young to think there was anything wrong with it.
And she was very natural.
So she used to pose nude for me.
And I always thought or I guess I assumed that my father knew about it.
This stuff is pointless. Hey, let him finish.
You like sad stories? You wanna hear mine?
Stop!
Go ahead, really. Please don't let him stop you.
Um...
One day he walked in and he found us. And he started screaming.
My father didn't come out of his room for 11 years.
He hit me with a yardstick if I made a mistake on the piano.
Huh?
Go ahead, Simon. So he came in and he was yelling?
Uh-huh. Please, come on.
Um, he was... Come on.
Yeah, um, I was defending my mother.
I was trying to make peace in the lamest way.
I said, "She's not naked. It's art."
And he started hitting me.
And he beat me unconscious.
And he talked to me less and less.
He knew what I was before I did.
The morning I left for college he walked into my room.
And he held out his hand. And it was filled with money.
A big sweaty wad of money.
And he said, "I don't want you to ever come back."
And I just grabbed him and I hugged him.
And he turned and walked out.
We all have these terrible stories to get over...
It's not true.
Some of us have great stories.
That take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad.
Just no one in this car. But a lot of people. That's their story.
Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad,
but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
No! I don't think so. Not it at all, really.
Not it at all, huh?
Okay. Let's go to the hotel.
Tomorrow, you'll see if you can get another big wad of sweaty money out of his hand.
Can I ask you a personal question?
Sure.
You ever get an erection over a woman?
Melvin.
Wouldn't your life be easier if you weren't...?
You consider your life easy?
All right. I give you that one.
Nice packing.
Whoa.
Hi. Hey, Spence.
Hey, Mom. Wait till you hear...
Why are you out of breath? Mom, I scored a goal.
You did? Yep. He was big. Charlie.
That's great. Oh, my God!
We're playing again. Gotta go. Wait. Just tell me...
He scored a goal. Mom, I don't believe it.
Oh, you would have died.
My son was outside playing soccer.
Come on. Take me out for a good time.
Take me out dancing. Dancing?
I can't. I'm exhausted. Oh, come on.
No. Please, come on.
No. Oh, come on.
No.
All right. All right. You're right.
Are you sad or something? No. I'm nervous.
It would be very rough, Carol, if you weren't along.
What a nice compliment.
I'm happy.
And you're my date.
Let's get dressed.
Uh.
I'm gonna jump in the shower. I'll be right with you.
All set? Yeah.
Sell hard-shell crabs? Yes.
Do they sell hard-shells? Yes.
Excuse... Thank you.
Good evening. Hi.
You have hard-shells? Stop asking everyone.
Just him, that's all. You can answer.
We worked it out. Yes, we do.
Oh, and I can give you a tie and jacket.
What?
They require a tie and jacket. But we have some available.
Sir?
No. I'm not putting that on.
And I won't let you inject me with the plague either.
It's a nice place. You dry-clean these all the time, don't you?
I don't think so.
Well... You
just, uh...
Wait here. Excuse me.
Good evening.
I need a coat and tie. Come on in.
No.
No? Uh, that one.
This one? Yeah. And this tie.
Excuse me.
She's here. We saved a table for you.
Thanks.
Should I get her for you? No. I'll just watch.
Can I buy you a drink? This is plenty, thank you.
Ma'am.
Hmm? Oh.
Oh, wait.
The maitre d' is following me.
You look so se...
You look great.
You wanna dance?
I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before.
And?
No.
I don't get this place.
They make me buy a new outfit and let you in in a house dress.
I don't get it.
What? Wait. Where are you going? Why?
Uh
I didn't mean it that way. You ought to sit down.
Still give me the dirty look. Just sit down and give it to me.
Pay me a compliment, Melvin.
I need one. Quick.
You have no idea how much what you just said hurt my feelings.
The minute someone gets that they need you they threaten to walk out.
A compliment is something nice about somebody else.
Now or never. Okay.
And mean it.
Can we order first?
Okay.
Um...
Two hard-shell crab dinners. Pitcher of cold beer.
Baked or fries? Fries.
Fries. One baked, one fried.
I'll tell your waiter.
Okay, now. I've got a great compliment for you.
And it's true.
I'm so afraid it's something awful.
Don't be pessimistic. It's not your style.
Okay. Here I go.
Clearly a mistake.
I've got this... What, ailment.
My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time,
says that in 50 or 60 percent of the cases
a pill really helps.
I hate pills. Very dangerous thing, pills.
Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here about pills.
My compliment is, the night you came over and told me you would never...
Um...
All right, well, you were there. You know what you said.
Well, my compliment to you is
the next morning I started taking the pills.
I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
You make me wanna be a better man.
That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Well, maybe I overshot a little to keep you from walking out.
How's it going with those pills?
Good, I hope, I hope, I hope.
Well, it's, uh...
It's little by little.
It's exhausting talking like this. Exhausting.
Do you ever let a romantic moment make you do something you know is stupid?
Never.
Here's the trouble with never.
You don't owe me that. That wasn't payment.
When you first came into breakfast, when I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
So now that your
soft little underbelly is all exposed
tell me, why did you bring me here?
Well, I...
That's a personal question. Tell me, even if you're scared.
Scared? Tell me why you wanted me here.
It's okay. If you ask me, I'll say yes.
Well, I...
I... I...
There's a lot of reasons.
I thought... One thought, maybe if you had sex with Simon...
What?
That's just one idea. That's why you brought me?
Like I'm a, what? And I owe you what?
I don't know why I brought you. It was just one thought.
It came out first. I thought...
You kiss him, me. You two seemed to hit it off.
Wait. I didn't mean... Forget what I said about Simon.
I'll never forget you said it. It's a mistake.
It was a mistake.
This is Fred Bishop.
And Betty.
We're unable to take your call.
Leave a message. Say goodbye.
Goodbye. And thank you.
It's Simon.
I'm in town.
Hello?
You haven't been out later than 10:00 in your lives. Pick up the phone.
Really.
Okay, well, I'm gonna try you in the morning. I need to see you.
Or at least get you to answer the phone.
How are you?
Is this gonna be your room? Our room.
I don't wanna see him. And he's not gonna come knocking on your door.
What happened? Don't ask.
Can you not be so violent? I don't think so.
Do you need help with...? No.
I'm taking a big bath and ordering a big meal.
I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Don't ask. I'm tired of my complaints. I gotta get some new thoughts.
What are you thinking about? How to die, mostly.
Can you believe, in our mix you're the good roommate?
Goodnight. Goodnight.
Hold it.
I have to draw you. Huh?
I have to draw you. No.
I'm more shy than people think. I have to.
I haven't sketched in weeks. Stop staring. Do a vase.
But you're beautiful, Carol. Your skin, your long neck.
The back. The line of you.
You're why cavemen chiseled on walls.
Cut me a break.
The next thing I know she's sitting next to me.
It's not right to go into details. I got nervous.
I screwed up. I said the wrong thing.
Where, if I hadn't
I could be in bed now with a woman who
if you make her laugh, you got a life.
Instead, I'm here with you.
No offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Jameson, soda back.
I don't care how you put this. We're being naughty here, pal.
No, this is... This is great. This is so great.
My hand won't even keep up. Hold it.
I'm just turning. Hold that. Hold any of them.
Okay, this? Doesn't matter.
My hand's not even bothering me.
I just... I
I can't get the angle with this cast.
Careful.
I'm coming in. It's late.
Did you have sex with her?
Don't you want your shampoos?
Sorry.
I didn't know she was still here. Did you have sex with her?
To hell with sex. It was better than sex. We held each other.
What I need, he gave me great. I'll get dressed in a hurry.
I just love her.
How are you doing?
Hello? Mom, hi.
Hello, Simon.
You were right. We were home.
Do you have to whisper? I can barely hear you.
I'm not a screamer. Lucky you didn't answer.
Your father is not well. I can't hear you.
Hold on. What are you gonna do?
I get why you're angry with me, but...
Shh. He's talking to his parents.
Listen to me. Truly no grudges.
It was odd that you didn't come and see me when you heard I was hurt.
We almost did. I don't want to talk about it.
The important thing is that your son is happy.
I'm working again. Good. About money...
No, I don't need anything. I'll drop you a line from wherever I land.
It's up to you to make the next move.
He's gonna wanna stay. They'll take a ride to the lake.
Okay, bye-bye. Goodbye, dear.
Bye, Mom.
We'll probably have a five-hour drive. It'll give us a chance...
So?
I'm coming with you. What about your parents?
No. I'll take care of myself. What are you talking about?
You've got real problems.
I know. I'm a little bit nervous.
Suddenly everything seems so easy.
Carol, a load has been lifted.
One night with me. You think you're kidding.
Oh, jeez.
No choice. I've got a gift for you.
Let me see. Gorgeous.
Do it. And get the dog picked up. I can't believe he let it stay there.
Goodbye.
Your luck's running.
They sub-let your place. You're homeless.
Frank's got a line on a new place. Where?
Does it matter?
No, it doesn't.
I'm fine. Like the hat?
I'm sorry.
I don't wanna hear that music now. You said you liked it.
I don't.
This one has a meaning. I don't wanna hear it.
If that means anything.
Yes, sir. All right.
Here's the keys to my apartment.
Go up there and wait and I'll take Carol home.
I'll take a bus. No, I'll take you.
Can you come here?
I don't care what you did for me. What's wrong?
I don't think I wanna know you anymore.
All you do is make me feel bad about myself.
You have my number.
Let him take you home. Don't want to.
I love you. I love you too.
Don't say anything.
I gotta get a hold of Frank and see where I'm hanging my hat.
I think you're gonna have to camp it here.
There's Verdell!
Look at you.
Feel like your old self. I know the feeling.
Mommy and Daddy are home.
Sorry. You're fun to mess with.
They rented your place furnished.
Jackie said she'd bring your things.
They were gonna set you up in here. It's an extra room.
It's got good light. I'm coming.
It's nice. Looks good.
They got your music
paintings, paints.
I have to say they did a good job.
It's gonna be okay.
Cozy, huh? Yeah.
Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm me.
I love you.
I tell you, buddy
I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.
Well, uh...
Make yourself at home.
Anything else in the bag?
But I was playing soccer while you were away.
I know. I love my cookbook.
It's got wonderful recipes. It says something with a shark.
Shark with a bite. Would you like that, Spencer?
And some cookies here called Wasps' Nests.
Where is my big hairy boy?
Where is he? Where is my beautiful boy?
Sweetheart!
Oh, you're in bed. No, no.
Yeah, um
Melvin, I just didn't think Verdell should get too comfortable sleeping here.
The dog's already comfortable.
Is this okay?
Hello. Hi, it's me. Hi!
Yes. He took me in. It's Carol for you. Yes.
Jackie brought it all over and... Just take the dog.
Gotta go. Take the dog.
Oh, come here.
Come on. Move fast. Don't limp. Good luck.
Hello.
Yeah.
How are you doing? Not so hot.
Why? What's wrong? Was I sensible or hard on you?
Maybe both. Are you being cute or crazy now?
Cute. You don't have to answer.
Just listen to me.
It's really something that you're looking after Simon.
And what I said on the street... That was a bad thing to say.
It made me sick to my stomach. It was a bad thing to say.
And I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoy your company.
But you do bother me. And I know it's better for me
to not have contact with you because you're not ready.
You're an old guy to not be ready. And I'm too old to ignore that.
But there were extraordinary kindnesses that did take place.
So anyway, thanks for the trip.
Goodnight. Okay if I say something now?
Go ahead.
I should have danced with you.
Goodnight.
Are you gonna talk to me or not? I'm coming.
What did she say? That I'm a great guy.
And she doesn't want contact with me.
I'm dying here.
Because
you love her. No.
And you people are supposed to be sensitive?
Then you tell me why. You're the one who's "dying here."
I don't know.
Let me sleep on it. Oh, come on.
I'll figure it out. Oh, please.
I'm stuck. I can't get back to my old life.
She's evicted me from my life. Did you really like it that much?
It's better than this. Look, you.
If you're gonna give me hope, you've gotta do better than you're doing.
If you can't be mildly interesting, then shut up.
I'm drowning here! And you're describing the water.
Picking on me won't help.
If that's true, I'm really in trouble.
Melvin, do you know where you're lucky?
You know who you want.
I would take your seat any day. Do something. Go over there.
Tonight. It's not always good to let things calm down.
You can do this, Melvin. You can.
Tell her how you feel.
I'm charged. Yes, you are.
She might kill me if I go there. Then stay. I'll read you a story.
The best thing going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.
So go over there. Do this. Catch her off guard.
Okay. Okay.
Thanks a lot. Okay.
Here I go.
What's wrong?
I forgot to lock the door.
What do you want? I'm sorry I woke you up.
I wasn't asleep.
What a break.
Is it a secret what you're doing here?
I had to see you.
Because?
It relaxes me.
I'd feel better sitting outside your apartment on the curb
than any other place I can think of or imagine.
That's overstating.
I'd rather be sitting inside so I don't get my feet in the gutter.
Stop. Why can't I just have a normal boyfriend? Why?
A regular boyfriend who doesn't go nuts on me.
Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.
Boyfriend.
Come on in and try not to ruin everything by being you.
Maybe we could live without the wisecracks?
Maybe we could.
It feels a little confined here. Let's take a walk.
It's 4 in the morning. A walk sounds a little screwy to me.
If you don't mind. Well, if you need an excuse
there's a bakery on the corner that'll be open soon.
That way we're not screwy, just two people that like warm rolls.
Okay.
What are you doing? I want you to hear that song.
Thank you.
You know, I was h.
I'm sorry. Whatever this is is not gonna work.
I'm... What?
I'm feeling better, Carol.
Melvin, even though it may seem that way now,
you don't know me all that well.
I'm not the answer for you. Hey.
I've got a great compliment for you. You know what?
Just let me talk.
Just.
I might be the only person on the earth
that knows you're the greatest woman on earth.
I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are
in every single thing that you do.
And how you are with Spencer. Spence.
And in every single thought you have.
And how you say what you mean.
And how you almost always mean something
that's all about being straight and good.
Most people miss that about you.
I wonder how they can watch you bring their food and clear tables
and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive.
And the fact that I get it makes me feel good
about me.
Is that something that it's bad for you to be around?
No.
I'm gonna grab you.
I didn't mean for that to be a question. I'm gonna grab you.
I know I can do better than that.
Better. Definitely better.
See?
Want something? Warm rolls.
Excuse us. Excuse us.
Ahh.