♪ There's something stirring something crackling like firewood ♪
♪ a certain spirit that is lighting up the neighborhood ♪
♪ I think it's time for the timeless ♪
♪ time of the year time of the year ♪
♪ you're bundled up got a blizzard coming on the way ♪
♪ the family fighting like they do 'cause it's the holidays ♪
♪ and every memory you're holding in your heart is alive once more right here ♪
♪ feels like you're a kid again ♪
♪ making you remember when life was good ♪
♪ just watching the snow fall down ♪
♪ doesn't matter if the year's got you feeling down ♪
♪ just remember in December what is coming around ♪
♪ and you'll find the feeling that you've always found ♪
♪ you can count on Christmas count on Christmas ♪
♪ comin' back home to the old address ♪
♪ something burning in the kitchen with the house a mess ♪
♪ and this year is promising nothing less ♪
♪ you can count on Christmas count on Christmas ♪
♪ yeah yeah yeah oh ♪
♪ yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ count on Christmas count on Christmas ♪
♪ we got a Christmas song singalong around the tree ♪
♪ keep the eggnog flowing till we're all tipsy ♪
♪ there's another movie marathon on TV which one could it be? ♪
♪ But with all of the presents all of the gifts ♪
♪ it's really about who you're sharing them with ♪
♪ and just for Christmas Eve the world's the way it used to be ♪
♪ doesn't matter if the year's got you feeling down ♪
♪ just remember in December what is coming around ♪
♪ and you'll find the feeling that you've always found ♪
♪ you can count on Christmas count on Christmas ♪
♪ waiting up late hear the jingle bells ring ♪
♪ Santa claus is coming what's he gonna bring? ♪
♪ There's a little bit of magic to everything ♪
♪ you can count on Christmas count on Christmas ♪
♪ yeah yeah yeah oh ♪
J“ yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ count on Christmas count on Christmas ♪
♪ doesn't matter if the year's got you feeling down ♪
♪ just remember in December what is coming around ♪
♪ and you'll find the feeling that you've always found ♪
♪ you can count on Christmas count on Christmas ♪
Yep, it's that time of year again.
I've been through my fair share of christmases by now
and I think it's safe to say that some
things about the holidays never change.
- Thank you kindly. - You're welcome.
Like I was saying, some things never change.
Snow comes down, your weight goes up.
You get to spend time with the family you love
and you're forced to spend time with the rest of them, too.
It was like that decades ago, and it'll be like that decades from now.
But no matter the year, there's always that excitement in the air,
that feeling that something special is going to happen.
I guess it's safe to say that everyone has a Christmas story.
This is mine.
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of Holly ♪
♪ fa la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
♪ fa la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ fa la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ troll the ancient yuletide Carol ♪
♪ fa la la la la la la la la ♪
My story happened in an exotic place called hohman, Indiana,
where the state line ends abruptly
in the icy, detergent-filled waters of lake Michigan.
Back in the day, lake Michigan was so polluted you could run
halfway to Milwaukee before you sank to the bottom.
Down in hohman, we'd already had our first snow by early December,
and winter was just beginning.
In a few weeks we'd be walking to school in the howling wind,
bent forward like hood ornaments.
But right about now, all we could hear was the building excitement,
like a faint, far off chorus.
Yeah, yeah, just like that.
The building excitement that Christmas was on its way.
Lovely, glorious Christmas, filled with the quiet spirit of peace on earth.
RALPHIE!
Oh! And good will toward men.
RALPHIE, where are you?
Here it is. Here it is, the house on Cleveland street.
- RALPHIE! - I'm upstairs, mom!
Well, come downstairs!
Randy, sweetie, we have to go!
My mother, trying in vain to get me and my kid
brother Randy on our way and out of the house.
VROOM, VROOM!
Randy, have you been here this whole time?
I've been calling you. We have to go.
- Aww, mom! - Well, you don't want to miss it, do you?
RALPHIE, what are you doing up there?
- I'm reading "boy's world!" - Mommy, is there a "girl's world?"
No, sweetie. We have to put up with "boy's world."
Well, put it away and come downstairs!
Oh, but how could I put it away?
I was looking at a three-color, full page advertisement
for the greatest gift a boy could ever hunger for.
And time was running out.
♪ Goodbye November Thanksgiving's gone ♪
♪ now every house you pass has a plastic reindeer on its lawn ♪
RALPHIE! Please!
♪ It's almost Christmas that's clear to see ♪
♪ and there's a certain something that I want beneath my tree ♪
Boys, your father will be home any minute.
Randy, I thought I told you to put that away. Why aren't your boots on?
♪ This year don't want another plaid tie ♪
♪ this year can't let my chance pass by ♪
♪ and I'm ♪
- ♪' running out of time ♪ - RALPHIE, now!
♪ There's a gift I gotta get and it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ I know the clock is set and it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ I've got one shot and it's 24 days away ♪
♪ I have to hurry up 'cause it all comes down to Christmas day ♪
Ah, shut up! No, no, no, no, get away! Stop! Shoo!
- My old man. - Call 'em off, BUMPUS!
The BUMPUS hounds from next door.
The bumpuses were backwoods kind of folks,
so low down on the evolutionary chain,
that Charles Darwin classified them as
"your guess is as good as mine."
Rackin' fraking mangy mutts!
♪ I have a mission I have a plan ♪
♪ I know to get that gift I've really gotta get to my old man ♪
- Stupid hillbillies! Yeah! - Frank, dear, we're waiting!
♪ And then there's mother she can be tough ♪
♪ I'll drop a couple hints maybe that'll be enough ♪
RALPHIE, we're going to be late. It starts at five!
C'mon, RALPHIE, we gotta get to higbee's!
Aha, higbee's. The high-water Mark of the Pre-Christmas season
was always the unveiling of the window at higbee's department store.
That window would now be packed with gifts galore,
including the object of my constant yearning.
♪ This year don't want a book I won't read ♪
♪ this year I know the thing that I need ♪
♪ and I'm ♪
- ♪' running out of time ♪ - ♪ - that window we gotta go ♪
♪ not a second can we spare 'cause it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ we're pulling out our hair 'cause it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ we've got one shot and it's 24 days away ♪
♪ we have to hurry up cause it all comes down to Christmas day ♪
♪ This year I want a shiny red bike ♪
♪ I want a model toy plane ♪
♪ how 'bout a Lionel train ♪
♪ this year I want a wife who can cook ♪
♪ I want my kids to earn a's ♪
♪ I hope they give me that raise ♪
♪ and I'm ♪
♪ ' running out of time ♪ -♪' we're getting close to Christmas ♪
♪ ' we're getting close to Christmas ♪ -♪' there's only 24 ♪
♪ ' days ♪ -♪' it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ to Christmas day ♪
♪ jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way ♪
♪ oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh ♪
♪ we're scrimping and we're saving ♪
♪ 'cause it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ we better start behaving ♪
♪ 'cause it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ we've got one shot and it's 24 days ♪
♪ ' away ♪ -♪' thirty four thousand forty-nine minutes ♪
- ♪' away ♪ - ♪' almost Christmas ♪
♪ Christmas day ♪
♪ we'll brave the bitter weather ♪
♪ 'cause it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ and make it through together ♪
♪ 'cause it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ we've got one shot and it's 24 days away ♪
♪ time is almost up and it all comes down ♪
- ♪' to Christmas day ♪ - ♪ almost Christmas nearly ♪
♪ Christmas day ♪
That's it, that's it!
♪ An official red Ryder range model carbine action bb gun. ♪
♪ With a compass in the stock, and this thing that tells time ♪
It was the number one gift that year,
much to the consternation of mothers and tin cans everywhere.
Ah, but the fever was on me.
For months, I'd been thinking of the red Ryder and nothing else.
Now, here it was! The real thing!
♪ You don't need a steed to be a cowboy ♪
♪ no, you're not a hero just by galloping off in the sun ♪
♪ what you really need to be a cowboy ♪
♪ fearless keepin' bandits ♪
♪ tremblin' on the run ♪
♪ is a red Ryder carbine action bb gun
That's right, boys. Take it from me, me.
If you want to keep your homestead free of villains, I give you old blue!
♪ See me standing guard up at my window ♪
♪ I'll protect the neighborhood ♪
♪ so outlaws are always outdone ♪
♪ and I'll bombard them from that window
♪ show those weasels ♪
♪ how the wild west was won ♪
♪ bang bang ♪
♪ with a red Ryder carbine action bb gun ♪
♪ my teacher could be taken by a pack of goons ♪
♪ my class might be invaded by raccoons?
♪ The kids would hurry down the hall ♪
♪ as tigers try to eat them all ♪
♪ but they would be okay ♪
♪ I'd swoop in and save the day ♪
♪ and the girls would sigh and say "oh, RALPHIE!" ♪
♪ When you're big and brave like me
♪ no bully can ever make fun ♪
♪ my mom is cryin' "cowboy RALPHIE"
♪ while my dad is yellin' ♪
♪ "that boy, he's my son" ♪
♪ with a red Ryder carbine action bb gun ♪
♪ but it's almost nearly getting close ♪
♪ counting down, the clock is set ♪
♪ don't know how don't know who -
♪ but I just know I gotta get ♪
♪ a red Ryder carbine red Ryder carbine ♪
♪ stock with a compass with a compass in the stock! ♪
♪ Red Ryder carbine action bb ♪
♪ gun! ♪
♪ The lines are getting longer 'cause it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ our drinks are getting stronger 'cause it all comes down to Christmas
♪ I've got one shot ♪
♪ and it's 24 days away! ♪
♪ It all comes down to Christmas day! S
Over the past two weeks, everyone in southern California
has been deeply affected by the catastrophic wild fires.
On behalf of the entire production of "a Christmas story"
live from the Warner Bros. Back lot in Burbank, California.
Please join us in honoring the first responders
who put their lives on the lines to serve and protect us all.
Ah, shut up!
No, no, no, no, call 'em off! BUMPUS!
Call 'em off! Get out of here, you rotten hounds!
23 days 'till Christmas and my mission was already well underway.
Only thing is, no one else in my house knew it.
You are tuned to wxms, broadcasting from
central Indiana to the deep end of lake Michigan.
Boys, breakfast.
Tune in this evening at 8:00 for "the hoosier's who's who,"
brought to you by chesterfield, the thinking person's cigarette.
Goodness, it's already freezing, and December's just begun.
In the news this morning,
democrats and Republicans still find it difficult
to see eye to eye on a host of issues...
Boys! Randy, RALPHIE, breakfast!
Hurry, you'll be late for school.
- Get out of my way, Randy. - You get out of my way, RALPHIE.
I was here first.
- Was not. - Was, too.
Shut up.
Hurry up now and eat.
So, boys, why don't you tell your father
what you'd like for Christmas?
What? Oh, yeah, go ahead.
An opening!
Getting my father's attention wasn't easy.
Sometimes I wondered if he even noticed me at all.
But here he was, asking me the one question I longed to be asked
more than anything else in the whole wide world.
Well, dad, since you asked, come to think of it...
Shh. What was that?
I believe it was the furnace again, dear.
And with that, my dream went up in smoke.
- My old man was one... oh! - Who left skates on the steps?
My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in all of
northern Indiana, and the blue streak coming out of his mouth was more
than equal to the blue smoke pouring out of our furnace grate.
Who turned the damper down?
You have to leave it up.
Clinkers cob-globbering, tutten-fruitten clinkers.
Well, the stupid frazzle-dasted furnace has gone out again. So that's how my day starts.
Do you have any idea how much time I spend in that furnace room?
About half as much time as I spend in this kitchen?
I'll call the office and tell them I'll be late.
Profa... profanity for us kids was strictly verboten.
But my old man? That day my father wove a
tapestry of obscenity that, as far as we know,
is still hanging in space above lake Michigan.
So, boys, you didn't get a chance to tell us what you'd like for Christmas.
Oh, another opening!
Now, I knew that my old man probably would never get me that gun anyway.
But maybe, just maybe, I could convince my mother.
The red Ryder wasn't just a Christmas gift, it was a necessity.
♪ Gotta find a subtle way to say it ♪
♪ play it careful don't seem desperate ♪
♪ or you're done ♪
♪ get the red Ryder carbine action bb gun ♪
I'm getting a toy zeppelin for Christmas that lights up and makes noise.
That's nice, dear. Now go get ready for school.
RALPHIE?
Ah, I knew the moment called for nuance and nonchalance.
But sometimes, I just...
I want an official red Ryder carbine
action 200 shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and...
Oh. Oh, no, my tongue short-circuited my brain. I was dead.
Before she even opened her mouth, I knew what was coming.
Oh, RALPHIE. You'll shoot your eye out.
Oh, that deadly phrase, uttered by mothers before and since
was not surmountable by any means known to kid-Dom.
Right. Right. I was just kidding.
I guess I'd like uh... Some tinker toys.
Tinker toys! Nobody asks for tinker toys,
they're just given to you automatically.
Alright, now, go on and get ready for school.
Mustn't give up. Gotta think.
Mom out. Dad out. Who could I turn to next?
RALPHIE, hurry up and put your things on.
Here, Randy, let me help you.
Mom, it's too cold to go to school.
There was no question of staying home.
Cold in hohman was a fact of nature, and as such, could not be used
in any fraudulent scheme to stay home from school.
And preparing for school was like preparing for extended deep-sea diving.
What?
Oh, mom, we're gonna be late.
Oh, just be patient, RALPHIE.
My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop.
I can't put my arms down.
Sometimes a mother is the mother of invention.
Well, you can put your arms down when you get to school.
Now, go on. Work hard. You can rest over Christmas vacation.
Have a nice day.
Bye.
- Be good! - Bye, mom!
Let's go Randy, come on! Hurry up!
Well, I showed that furnace a thing or two.
We'll see if that works. Where'd I put the mail?
- Right here, dear. - Huh? Yeah.
Let me look at the bills, the bills, the bills, the bills, the bills.
Would you get that, honey, please? What is this here?
Yup, all we've got are bills.
We've got bills. We've got more bills. We've got more bill... oh!
Hey, look! Here it is.
Ah, this was the golden age of the crossword puzzle,
and my old man was hooked.
Contest after contest, he labored doggedly.
He entered them all, but this was the farthest he'd ever gotten.
What's wrong, dear?
Wha... what is the name of the lone ranger's nephew's horse?
Uh, Victor. His name is Victor.
How the hell did you know that?
Everybody knows that.
"Everybody knows that."
Is that another one of your silly puzzles, dear?
Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles.
I just happened to have made the semifinals where I could win
50,000 bucks or hundreds of valuable prizes, says it right there.
I just need to finish this up get this in the mail by tomorrow,
and I could be a winner.
Well, good luck, dear. I believe in you, even if you're not a winner.
♪ The wheels in my mind just keep on spinning ♪
♪ another exhausting climb uphill ♪
♪ I always come close to almost winning ♪
♪ just focus and think I'm practically there ♪
♪ if I could get ink in each little square ♪
♪ I'd be the genius on Cleveland street ♪
Yeah.
♪ An intellectual elite ♪
Oh, yeah.
♪ I could win an award ♪
♪ a trophy for all to see ♪
Imagine that.
♪ The genius on Cleveland street ♪
Woo-Hoo!
♪ The guy the neighbors wanna greet ♪
♪ that mental machine
♪ the genius on Cleveland street ♪
♪ I'm brimming with skill and brains and knowledge ♪
♪ I'm hardly a humdrum average Joe ♪
♪ so I didn't come from some dumb college ♪
♪ but if this could work ♪
♪ well, then I could go from "Parker the jerk ♪
♪ to "Parker the pro" ♪
♪ oh, I'd be the genius on Cleveland street ♪
♪ the crackerjack that can't be beat ♪
♪ so smart it's obscene ♪
♪ the genius on Cleveland street ♪ -And now, ladies and gentlemen,
back to your favorite quiz show, "are you a genius?"
And we'd like to welcome back our listeners
after that exciting message from rinso.
Rinso, the laundry detergent guaranteed to get
lipstick out of any husband's collar.
With rinso, it's easy to pretend everything's fine.
And now, frank Parker, you are about to answer the question,
"are you a genius?"
You get to choose from three subjects. They are:
Modern economic theory, culinary delicacies of fascist Italy,
or crossword puzzles.
Crosswords, please.
Alright.
Only two left to solve. Are you ready, frank?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
♪ Danish prince that Shakespeare penned
♪ stabbed and poisoned in the end ♪
- Hamlet! Ha! - That's correct!
♪ Captain hook he must destroy ♪
♪ tinkerbell's pal forever a boy ♪
♪ Peter... ♪
- Peter. Three letters? - Yeah.
Peter... piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Peter ilyich Tchaikovsky. That's not gonna fit.
Peter lorre, fine actor. Peter...
Saltpeter. Saint Peter. Saint Petersburg.
Peter, Peter, Peter...
Hey, would you keep it down? I'm trying to think.
Peter Pan.
♪ Mr. Parker you're the best ♪
♪ no question, you're the best we've ever seen ♪
♪ what a genius ♪
On Cleveland street ♪ - the genius on Cleveland street ♪
♪ the whiz whose puzzle ♪
- ♪ is complete ♪ - ♪ it's somehow complete ♪
♪ if I send it in ♪
♪ and somehow I win ♪
They'll see ♪ - they're gonna see they're gonna see ♪
♪ I'm the genius ♪
On Cleveland street ♪ - the genius on Cleveland street ♪
♪ who won't go down in defeat ♪
♪ let this be it let this be the one ♪
♪ for the genius ♪
♪ on Cleveland street ♪
You'd be right in noticing that the BUMPUS hounds
are different from the bloodhounds in the movie.
Our dogs were rescued from a zoo in Japan,
but everyone knows rescue dogs are super smart.
Our trainers agree. The cast couldn't be happier.
And the dogs, well, they found their forever family with one of our trainers.
I guess you can say they have their own Christmas story.
Stay tuned for more from "a Christmas story live."
Ah, the old schoolyard.
I remember this place. The laughter, the games.
The existential terror.
And I remember these, too.
I do not, however, remember what was inside them,
although I'm sure it was vital information at the time.
Now listen, smartass. I asked my old man about
sticking your tongue to the flagpole,
and he says it'll stick right to the pole, just like I told you.
That's baloney. What's your old man know about anything?
My old man knows, 'cause he once saw a guy
stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet,
and the fire department had to come and get his tongue unstuck.
Aw, you're full of beans, and So's your old man.
Schwartz and flick, my two best friends.
Ah, here they are. Right where I left 'em yesterday.
You leave your books here overnight?
If I take 'em home, my mom makes me open 'em.
- That's dumb. - You're dumb.
Hey, fellas.
My fellow wimps. All for one, one for all.
I can't get up. I can't get up.
RALPHIE, help me! Come on, guys!
Let's go, Randy, it's cold out here.
I fell down and I can't get up.
- Come on, flick, wait up for me. - Go help your brother, RALPHIE.
Oh, all right.
Scut farkus and grover dill.
The bully and his toady.
Scut farkus. Even his name sounded mean and dirty.
Come here, you wimp.
- Oh, no. - And farkus had yellow eyes. I swear he did.
These were the kind of meatheads who grew up bashing in car grills
and becoming mafia hitmen or captains of industry.
Who's ready to say "uncle?"
I don't need to relive this part.
♪ On every playground there's a war taking place ♪
♪ between the bullies and the wimps that they chase ♪
♪ and if you're part of the pack that's always under attack ♪
♪ you quickly learn that you don't fight back ♪
♪ when you're a wimp ♪
♪ they know that you don't have the guts
♪ and you wait every day to get kicked in the... ♪ no!
♪ You take it again and again ♪
♪ when you're a wimp ♪
- Okay, RALPHIE, say it. - Uncle!
I can't hear you.
Uncle, uncle, uncle!
♪ You do his homework if a question is missed ♪
♪ you get to answer to the pound of his fist ♪
♪ he gives that threatening glance ♪
♪ and you start wetting your pants ♪
♪ it's kinda clear that you got no chance ♪
♪ when you're a wimp ♪
♪ you don't even try to escape ♪
♪ when your last name is Schwartz ♪
♪ you get crushed like a grape ♪
♪ you try to survive 'till you're 10 ♪
♪ when you're a wimp ♪
♪ but oh the day you grow ♪
♪ it'll be sublime at payback time -
♪ you'll stretch six feet overnight ♪
♪ you'll pick one heck of a fight
♪ and finally slug every thug in sight ♪
♪ When you're a wimp?
♪ You patiently wait for the day ♪
♪ when the tables have turned ♪
♪ and you're making them pay ♪
♪ imagine how helpless they'll seem ♪
♪ when you're twisting their arms 'till they scream, ♪
♪ yeah you gotta hold on to that dream ♪
♪ when you're a wimp ♪
Although I had survived the wrath of the feared, arm-twisting twosome,
there was no avoiding the fact that the coveted air rifle was in serious jeopardy.
I couldn't even convince my own mother I needed it.
I needed to find another way.
Little did I know I would find it
in one of the most unlikely places in the whole world...
The classroom of miss shields at the Warren g. Harding elementary school.
Oh, good morning, children.
Let's take our seats efficiently, please.
Hang up your coats. Put away your personal belongings
quickly, please, we don't have all day.
Let's quiet down, children, please.
Children, quiet.
Let's put away our things quickly. Quiet, please.
Quiet!
- Good morning, children. - Good morning, miss shields.
Good morning.
Now, our first activity of the day will be...
Our first activity of the day will be...
We didn't have a name yet for obsessive-compulsive disorder,
but I didn't judge her, because she was nice.
So, our first activity of the day will be an in-class theme...
Let me finish...
Entitled " what I want for Christmas."
Eureka!
If I could get miss shields to sympathize with my plight,
she might phone my mother and implore her to get me that gun.
Now, your grade will be determined
on content, grammar, legibility and especially... margins!
Margins.
That wild west sharpshooter would soon be mine.
If I could just stay inside the margins.
Rarely had the words poured from my penny pencil with such feverish fluidity.
I remember to this day the glorious winged phrases
and concise imagery of that theme.
What I want for Christmas is
a red Ryder bb gun with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time.
Wow, that's great.
I don't think a football is a very good Christmas present.
But I think that everybody should have a red Ryder bb gun.
You'll never know when you'll need it.
"RALPHIE to the rescue," take one.
Sound, speed, action.
♪ Your teacher in trouble ♪
♪ so get there on the double
♪ or she'll face her doom ♪
RALPHIE, do something!
♪ The tension is mounting
♪ one minute left and counting ♪
♪ 'till she goes kaboom ♪
♪ won't you save me, RALPHIE? ♪
♪ Tell the scoundrel to surrender? ♪
♪ I'll save the day ♪
♪ oh, he's got me, RALPHIE ♪
♪ I could die in this disaster faster! ♪
♪ Hold on, I'm on my way
♪ RALPHIE to the rescue, oh ♪
♪ one thing to do ♪
♪ time to turn to old blue ♪
♪ now let her go ♪
♪ yippee-Kay-o
my hero.
Cut! Print!
Moving on to the bank scene.
♪ We're stuck in a stick-up ♪
♪ we've got some cash to pick up ♪
♪ fill the bag with loot ♪
♪ they're telling the teller ♪
♪ now hand it over, feller ♪
♪ or we'll have to shoot ♪
Hands in the air! That's right.
♪ Won't you help us, RALPHIE? ♪
♪ Tell these robbers to release us ♪
♪ don't let me die ♪
♪ try and stop us, RALPHIE ♪
♪ hope you're ready for some payback
- stay back! - Forget the FBI ♪
♪ forget the FBI ♪
♪ RALPHIE to the rescue, oh ♪
♪ he's here to book ♪
♪ every bank robbing crook ♪
♪ so drop the dough ♪
♪ yippee-Kay-o
♪ get 'em, cowboy ♪
♪ cowboy RALPHIE
♪ the favorite son of Indiana with his gun and his bandana ♪
- ♪ riding high ♪ - ♪ high ♪
♪ get 'em, cowboy ♪
♪ cowboy RALPHIE
♪ just in time to fight some crime ♪
♪ just like red he'll shoot 'em dead
♪ yippee Kay yippee Kay yippee Kay yippee Kay yippee Kay yippee Kay-o ♪
Help me, RALPHIE!
Black Bart!
Cut! Print! Back to one!
- ♪ RALPHIE to the rescue oh ♪ - oh ♪
♪ RALPHIE to the rescue oh ♪
♪ so brave and so bold
♪ and he's just 9 years old ♪
♪ when I've got old blue I'm a born buckaroo ♪
♪ a boy and his gun riding off in the sun ♪
♪ just watch him go ♪
♪ go ♪
But I think everyone should have a red Ryder bb gun.
And I think a red Ryder bb gun would be a very good Christmas present.
Paper, please.
♪ Yippee-Kay-o!
That's a wrap on "RALPHIE to the rescue!"
Now, stay tuned for a coming attraction.
Mr. and Mrs. Parker,
your extraordinary son, Ralph,
has written the Christmas theme
I've been waiting for all my life.
"What I want for Christmas is a
red Ryder bb gun with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time!"
Is sheer poetry.
And the penmanship, the conjugation, the punctuation!
All contained in the tightly- constrained dictates of the...
Margins.
Ralph has convinced me beyond doubt,
through his magnificent and eloquent theme,
that it is absolutely necessary
that he be given a red Ryder bb gun
for the protection of your family,
especially now that grizzly bears have been spotted near pulaski's candy store.
Grizzlies!
So thank you,
Mr. and Mrs. Parker, for your time. And for Ralph,
my prize a-plus, plus, plus, plus, plus, plus, plus, plus, plus, plus student.
RALPHIE?
RALPHIE, what on earth are you daydreaming about?
I just heard your father pull up, he'll be famished.
- Come on and hurry up and wash up for dinner. - Yes, mom.
A whole week had gone by and miss shields still hadn't graded the themes.
Expectation turned to anxiety, and then deep despair.
♪ I've got one shot and it's 17 days away. ♪
Ah, shut up!
No, no, no, no, get away!
BUMPUS, call 'em off. Get out of here, you rotten hounds!
Off my porch!
Hello, dear. How was your day?
Eh, my day was fine, 'till quitting time.
- Then the olds wouldn't start again. - Sure.
Had to get a jump. Needs a new battery.
Those things are up to $6 a piece these days.
Well, a nice, hot plate of meatloaf and cabbage should cheer you up.
- Yeah, sure. - Randy!
Come on, now and wash up. Dinner's getting cold.
I don't need to. I washed my hands yesterday.
Randy?
Oh, okay.
- Come on, you too, RALPHIE. - But I washed mine this morning.
- Please, you two, don't -make me ask 100 times. - Okay.
Goodness!
♪ New stains on the rug ♪
♪ stray socks on the stair t
♪ and piles of paper appearing right out of thin air ♪
♪ but the sheets have been washed ♪
♪ the pants have been pressed ♪
♪ the floors have been scrubbed like a woman possessed ♪
♪ and we're steady and stable a meal on the table each evening because
♪ that's what a mother does ♪
Come on, now, Randy.
Every family has a kid who won't eat.
Usually it's the one who takes ballet.
- In our case, it was my brother. - Can I have some more meatloaf?
My kid brother
hadn't eaten a meal voluntarily in over three years.
- More potatoes, dear. - Yes.
And my mother hadn't hada hot meal for herself in more than 15.
Oh. Milk, please.
♪ Sit down to stand up ♪
♪ you're back on your feet ♪
♪ serve seconds and thirds while you've still got a boy who won't eat ♪
- Aw, jeez. - But a mom has her ways ♪
♪ a mom knows her kid ♪
♪ she'll get him to eat without knowing he did »
♪ it's just one of her talents ♪
♪ she keeps life in balance ♪
♪ amid all the buzz ♪
♪ that's what a mother does ♪
You know, starving people would be happy to have that.
Aw, meatloaf, smeatloaf, double beet loaf.
- I hate meatloaf. - Alright. That does it.
I'll get this kid to eat.
Where's the screwdriver and my plumber's helper?
I'll pry his mouth open and stuff it in.
- Frank! - And he would have, too.
But my mother was more subtle and far more creative.
Randy,
I forgot, what do the little piggies say?
Yes, that's it. Oink, oink.
Nice little piggies.
My brother was deep into the "three little pigs" at the time.
Now, how do the little piggies eat?
There's your trough.
Show mommy how the good little piggies eat.
That's it!
Yes! Gobble it all down.
Gosh.
It was absolutely disgusting.
- -Oh, yeah. - You're mommy's little piggy.
♪ One thing down ♪
♪ a million more you've missed ♪
♪ the plates, the pans keep crossing off the list ♪
♪ homework, pjs get the kids to bed ♪
♪ choose a Christmas story to be read -
oh, did I turn on the lights?
♪ Yes, Christmas is here ♪
♪ there's so much to do ♪
♪ a house to look festive a family that's counting on you -
♪ with tinsel to buy and stockings to stuff ♪
♪ to make them forget that the times have been tough ♪
♪ you're a mom on a mission to keep up tradition ♪
♪ cookies and Carols and laughter in barrels ♪
♪ 'till you hear them say ♪
♪ you've made Christmas day ♪
♪ the very best Christmas that there ever was ♪
♪ so you're off to the races and put through your paces ♪
♪ battle your way through the chaos because ♪
♪ that's what a mother ♪
♪ does ♪
Oh, my eyes are always bigger than my stomach.
Honey, where'd I put the mail?
Right here, dear.
The mail, a sure way to get noticed.
Bills, bills, bills. These bills are never ending.
What's this? There's a letter with no stamp on it.
It's addressed to you.
- To me? Hmm. - How can they deliver a letter with no stamp on it?
That's odd.
It's just an ad for a kid's silly bb gun.
- Those things are dangerous. - Yeah.
Aw, rats.
My fevered brain seethed with the effort to come up with some
infinitely subtle device to implant the air rifle
into my parents' consciousness without them being aware of it.
I heard miss shields say she saw some grizzly bears near
pulaski's candy store the other day.
Grizzly bears?
That's what miss shields said.
- Near the candy store? - Pulaski's.
Well, that doesn't seem possible.
Why not? Miss shields loves candy.
And just think of it, me and Randy go to that candy store all the time.
If only I had some way to protect me and my little brother.
Hmm. I've never heard of grizzly bears in this part of North America.
We're living in dangerous times. Ugh, grizzlies!
Eat your cabbage, RALPHIE.
Someone's at the door.
Would anyone like to get that?
No? Oh, allow me.
I'll just clean the entire house and boil some cabbage
and do a variety show for my son who won't eat a drop of his food
because that's what a mother does.
Coming!
May I help you?
- Telegram for you folks, Mrs. Parker. - Oh, thank you.
- What is it? - A telegram. It's addressed to you.
- Now, see, that's why I should always get the door. - Oh, silly me.
If it was up to me, I should get the door, I shouldn't...
Well?
Look for yourself.
"Frank Parker, congratulations!
“"You have won a major award in our $50,000 "great figures of world literature contest".
- Yeah. - "It will arrive by special messenger tonight.
- "You are a winner!" - You hear that? I'm a winner! I'm a winner!
- But a winner of what? - It could be anything.
It could be a new car, it could be a trip to Paris.
A guy in terre haute won a bowling alley.
How are they gonna deliver a bowling alley?
Well, now, I don't expect that they would deliver the bowling alley.
They could deliver the deed, for cripes' sake.
Oh, my god. It's here. Quiet. Hang on.
- Okay. - Alright.
- Are you, uh, frank Parker? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah? Well, sign here. - Alright.
Alright, boys, haul it in.
- Yeah, well, what is it? - Beats me.
Alright, bring it in, fellas.
- Bring it in. Yeah, that's fine, right through the... - Oh, my!
Let's, uh, move some of this stuff.
Boys, just help your mother. Hang on.
- Move this over here... - Move back, boys, move back.
I'll just put that right over there.
- Oh, gosh, be careful with the ceiling. - That's it, fellas, bring it in.
Don't be afraid to use a little elbow grease.
- Oh, wow! Yeah, well, uh... - Can you believe this?
Merry, Christmas. And oh, feliz navidad, and all that.
Careful, dear. Look what it says on the side.
Fra-gee-lay.
It must be Italian.
I won an Italian prize. It's a fra-gee-lay! Huh!
I think that says "fragile," honey.
Yeah, I knew that.
Get me a crowbar.
- And a hammer. Get a hammer. - Hurry, hurry!
♪ Here's the proof I'm someone I'm a someone, very wise ♪
♪ when you're this astute you get saluted with a prize ♪
♪ and when that prize arrives in a giant wooden crate ♪
♪ you know it's something great give!
The old man worked in supercharged haste
to show his newfound symbol of victory.
♪ Oh, mr. Parker ♪
Who could believe
♪ the glory of the gift that you're about to receive? ♪
What is it?
It's a... A leg.
But what is it?
Well, it's a leg. You know, like in a statue.
A statue?
Whoopie, a statue!
- Ooh, we won a statue. -RALPHIE. - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
There's something else in this box.
- What? - What?
Holy smokes!
Do you know what this is?
- What? - What?
It's indescribably beautiful.
It's...
It's a lamp!
It's a lamp?
It's... it's...
♪ It's ♪
♪ major ♪
♪ award ♪
♪ I won a major award ♪
♪ I won a grand slam ♪
♪ big fat, wam-Bam, "take that!" ♪
♪ Award ♪
♪ I won a major award ♪
♪ who won? I won it's me? I see well, gee ♪
♪ it's a major award ♪
Wow, this is just what we need
- for the front window. - Now, dear, I'm don't think front window's the best...
The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone,
and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory.
Ain't that something?
Oh, it's something, all right.
Oh, hey, wait a minute, I gotta see this from outside.
The lamp, much to my mother's consternation,
could be seen up and down Cleveland street.
Oh, honey, you should see it from out here.
Oh, I can see it just fine from here.
Move it a little forward, dear, so people can see it.
Oh, dear god.
- What on earth is that? ♪ - Is what? ♪
- That window, such a glow! - ♪ oh ♪
♪ it's a big-time honor ♪
- An award ♪ - I'd never know ♪
♪ now this is patent-proof that your neighbor is a champ ♪
♪ it looks just like a lamp ♪
♪ that there's a statue ♪
♪ a fine work of art ♪
♪ a prize that they bestow upon the extra-super-smart ♪
♪ friends, it's a major award ♪
♪ I won a major award ♪
- Who won? He won? - It's he I see ♪ - well gee ♪
♪ he won a major award ♪
♪ it's a trophy he can Cherish ♪
- What a beauty ¢' - oh, it's garish ♪
♪ he's a winner that's for certain ♪
♪ maybe he should close the curtain ♪
♪ for a window, slightly overboard ♪
♪ don't you get it? Ladies, it's a major award ♪
- A major award? & - a major award ♪
♪ frank Parker did it how remarkably grand ♪
♪ frank Parker did it now the world will understand ♪
♪ I'm the genius on Cleveland street ♪
Thank you all for this wonderful honor.
No mistake, right?
Check the envelope.
Okay.
♪ A taste of victory, so sweet ♪
I'd like to thank my wife and children.
I'd like to thank them but they had nothing to do with it. Zing!
♪ Now watch it ignite ♪
♪ this little light of mine
♪ let it shine ♪
♪ The genius on Cleveland street ♪
♪ how can any man compete? ♪
♪ With a downstage, big brass ♪
♪ front page, first class ♪
♪ clear cut, red hot ♪
♪ "look what I got" award? ♪
♪ He won a major award ♪
♪ he won a major award ♪
♪ yes, it's a true scholastic, ♪
♪ careful, it's plastic ♪
♪ award ♪
♪ who'd have guessed he got every answer correct? ♪
♪ I did ♪
♪ so impressed he's a man you gotta respect ♪
♪ so come and meet ♪
♪ the genius on Cleveland street ♪
- He won a major award ♪ - ♪ I won a major award ♪
- A major award ♪ - ♪ I won a major award ♪
♪ a major award
The leg lamp... the timeless and tasteless... major award
has earned its place as an iconic part of Christmas culture.
So, it came as no surprise that legendary costume designer William ivey long
and choreographer Zach woodlee gave the beloved leg lamp extra special consideration
with a production number and television's very first live leg lamp kick line.
Fra-gee-lay!
"A Christmas story live" will be back after these messages.
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ we wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ and a happy new year ♪
Needless to say, our new leg lamp
was the number one topic of conversation in our neighborhood.
Despite my mother's futile protestations to the glowing electric sex display,
my old man was resolute in keeping his symbol of newfound self-esteem
in the front window for all to see.
Come on, everybody. If we don't hurry up, all the good trees will be gone.
Shut up, you gardingle dogs!
Come on, what's the hold up?
I'm coming! I'm coming.
- Come on, come on, let's go. - Alright, alright.
- I forgot... my... my purse, dear. - Get what you need and come back.
- Go, go, go. - I get to pick out the tree this time.
No, you got to pick out the tree last time.
- Did not. - Did, too.
- Did not. - Shut up!
We will all pick out the tree together. And if it's the one I like, we'll get it.
- You so did, too. - Where is your mother?
- Oh. Here I am. - Okay, let's go, let's go.
- Hey, who turned off the lamp? - Oh, uh, uh...
Well, we don't want to miss out on all the good trees, do we, dear?
- Well, no, but... - Come on, dad.
- Let's go. - And we don't want to waste electricity.
- Do we, dear? - You don't want to waste
- electricity? Alright, alright. - Yeah, come on, dad.
Get in the car. Don't get your fingers caught.
Come on, come on! Yuletide trees await!
- Woo-Hoo! - Oh, ho, ho, alright.
Alright, and away we go.
And so my mother had executed another brilliant maneuver
in the legendary battle of the lamp,
that epic struggle that would become
part of the folklore of Cleveland street,
all fought under the soft, erotic glow
emanating from our front window.
- Aw, man, the leg lamp isn't on. - The what?
- The sexy lamp in Ralph's window. - The sexy, what...?
- Sweetheart, avert your gaze! - Avert my what?
Don't look, it'll scar you for life.
Imagine, fishnets.
Aren't those for catching fish?
They're for catching something.
Alright, nope.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Dear, do you have to be quite so picky?
Well, it's crazy not to consider all your options
when you're making a major commitment.
Oh, that's funny. You sound just like my mother.
- You folks looking for a tree? - Yeah.
Well, you're in luck. Here at tip top trees,
we've got hundreds of trees to choose from...
Tall trees, short trees, green trees, pastries...
Little Christmas tree humor.
This is the Christmas tree emporium of the entire upper midwest.
I also sell used cars.
- Are you interested in... - no.
Okay. So, what will it take for me
to put a tree in your house today?
Well, it can't be too expensive.
Oh, I guess you don't want Santa to come.
Let's see what I have for people who hate Christmas.
- Come on, dad. - Alright, just show us what you've got.
Got a wise guy on our hands.
Look at this beauty right here.
Trunk holds a gallon of water, no refilling.
It's the Cadillac of Christmas trees.
It's a little skimpy in the front.
No, that's the back, see?
Common mistake. Don't be embarrassed.
I'm not embarrassed.
- No? Okay. - No.
Alright. Oh! How 'bout this one right here, ooh!
This one practically screams "tree!"
Hear it? Hear it? "Tree! Tree!"
"I'm a tree, look at me, I'm a tree, baby!"
It's screaming so loud I'm going deaf.
- It looks dead. - What? I can't hear you.
It looks dead!
I know, I was just testing you. Oh, you're the smart one.
- Get out of here, deadwood. - Haven't you got a big tree? You know...
Okay.
Okay. Christmas calls and I got trees to move.
How about this one and I knock off five bucks?
No, I don't know, the fella down the street
he got one of those new, plastic trees.
Ugh, I suppose you'll be giving Santa plastic cookies, too.
- Dad, please. - Dad, please. -Dear?
I'll tie it to the roof of your car
- and throw in the rope for free. - Deal.
It's the olds right over there.
See that, boys? That's how you buy a Christmas tree.
Are you sure I can't interest you...
- No. - No.
♪ Joy to the world ♪
♪ joy to the world ♪
♪ let earth receive her king ♪
♪ let every heart prepare him room ♪
- ♪ and heaven and nature sing ♪ - ♪ and heaven and nature sing ♪
- heaven and nature ♪
♪ and heaven and heaven and nature sing ♪
♪ we'll brave the bitter weather 'cause it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ and make it through together 'cause it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ we've got one shot and it's only 12 days away ♪
♪ we have to hurry up '"cause it all comes down to Christmas... ♪
- What is it, dear? - Nobody move. We have a flat.
- Again? - No, no, no. It's the right front this time.
The right front. I'll get the Jack and change it.
Actually, my old man's tires were only tires in the academic sense.
They were round and they were made of rubber,
but they had so little tread, you could read
the want ads for the tribune right through them.
Actually, my old man was thrilled.
He always saw himself in a pit at the Indianapolis 500.
- You sure you don't need any help, dear? - I can do this.
You stay in the car. I don't want it falling on anybody in case the Jack fails.
Four minutes. Time me. Go.
RALPHIE, go and help your father change the tire.
- Really? Can I? - Yes, but watch for traffic.
It was the first time it had been suggested that I help my father with anything.
- What are you doing? - Mom said I should help.
Oh, yeah?
Alright, well, get over here and hold this hubcap. I'm gonna put the...
No, no, no, no, not like that.
- Hold it steady, like this, RALPHIE, hold it steady. - Oh, okay.
Now, I'm gonna put the lug nuts in it so for cripes' sake, don't move.
- Okay. - Alright.
This is fun.
It is? That's news to me.
Maybe we could do things like this more often?
That's just what I need, more things like this to deal with.
- Darn it, RALPHIE, hold still! - Oh, okay!
I mean, doing stuff, just you and me, like...
- I don't know, let's say, target practice. - Target practice? With what?
- Well, now that you ask... - darn it, RALPHIE, don't move.
I realized that when my old man said, "don't move,"
what he really meant was, "don't breathe."
Consarn it, crick in my knee.
For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the moonlit sky.
And then they were gone.
I lost all sense of where I was and who I was with.
Fudge.
But I didn't say, "fudge."
I said the word.
The big one, the queen mother of dirty words...
The f-dash-dash-dash word.
I had broken the number one verboten rule.
I was awfully young to die.
What did you say?
That's what I thought you said.
Get in the car.
I thought about how sad my brother would be,
Randy, not having a brother.
Although maybe he'd be happy, having the whole room to himself.
Yeah, he probably would be.
Yeah. I decided, thanks a lot, Randy.
I decided to come back as a ghost, make 'em all feel bad.
Eight minutes.
You know what your son just said?
No, what did he say?
Oh, I'm gonna tell you what he said. Randy!
He said...
RALPHIE!
What is that?
I believe that is the sound of a mother's heart breaking.
I know from the sound. This is a sound with which I am well acquainted.
Is this because I failed that spelling test?
Please, my heart is broken enough.
The words were hard. "Believe" and "receive."
"I" before "e" except after "c."
We went over it a thousand times.
I held you in my arms, we cried about it, you still got it wrong.
- I'm sorry, mom. - That's all right. It's my fault.
- How is it your fault? - How is it not?
Get in the house! In the house!
- Argh! Mom, please! - In the house!
- In the house. Get in the house! - Ow, ow, ow! Mom!
Oh, no. It was over. It was over, I was dead.
What would it be? The guillotine?
A hanging, the electric chair?
Drawn and quartered? Water torture?
No. Mere child's play compared to what was in store for me.
No, my crime was so egregious
that it demanded more than punishment.
My verbal lapse in decorum needed to be literally washed away.
I had become quite a connoisseur of soap.
My personal preference was for Lux,
but I also found palmolive to be
was quite piquant with just a touch of soft mellowness.
Lifebuoy, on the other hand...
All right.
Where did you hear that word?
Was she kidding me? I must've heard that word
12 times a day from my old man.
My old man worked in profanity
the way other artists work in oils or Clay.
It was his true medium.
But I chickened out.
So, are you ready to tell me?
- What? - Schwartz!
Oh, I see.
- Hello? - Hello, Mrs. Schwartz, this is Mrs. Parker.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Parker, how are you?
I'm fine. Thank you. Thank you for asking.
Mrs. Schwartz, do you have any idea what RALPHIE just said to me?
Try me.
He said...
Oh, no, not that word!
Yes, that word.
And do you know where he got it from?
Probably from his father.
No, he heard it from your son.
What? What?
- What? - Mom? What's the matter?
- You! Get over here! - What, What'd I do?
I had committed a grave offense and falsely implicated a friend.
Maybe I didn't even deserve tinker toys, let alone you know what.
My Christmas dream was becoming a nightmare.
♪ Good-bye red Ryder ♪
My dream is over ♪ - Dying ♪ - dead ♪
♪ there's no way I'll get that gun ♪
♪ when I just said that word I said ♪
♪ it's a disaster ♪
♪ there's nothing worse ♪
♪ 'cause Christmas doesn't come for little kiddies who curse ♪
♪ this year ♪ - ♪ how 'bout a big lump of coal? ♪
This year ♪ - no pretty presents from the north pole ♪
- There's not enough time ♪ - there's not enough time ♪
♪ you can't say something rotten 'cause it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ oh, this won't be forgotten
♪ and it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ I've got one shot and I'm watching it slip away
♪ and now you have to pay the price by ♪
♪ having the most lousy, lonely dreadful, dreary ♪
♪ horrid, hellish wretched, ruined ♪
♪ Christmas »
♪ day! ♪
When director Scott Ellis took his twin children to their very first Broadway show,
he took them to "a Christmas story."
Little did he know, that single trip to the theater
would land him right here on the Warner bros. Back lot, working side by side with
award-winning live television director, Alex rudzinski.
Stay tuned for more from "a Christmas story live."
I felt terrible about blaming Schwartz
for my verbal indiscretion.
I figured I had to make things right with my friend if I was ever going to get my red Ryder.
I think I believed in Karma.
Oh, hello, RALPHIE.
Hello, Mrs. Schwartz. How are you this evening?
Goodness, so polite. What's the matter?
I'd like to talk to Schwartz, if I could.
Please, come in.
Other people's houses always smelled a little bit different from ours.
I love the smell of the Schwartz's house.
Is Schwartz upstairs?
Now, why do you call him Schwartz?
He's got a perfectly good first name. It's...
- Ma! Don't! - Oh, there you are. RALPHIE's here.
I'm gonna go check on the blintzes.
Hey, Schwartz.
Hey, RALPHIE.
I'm sorry I told my mom I learned that word from you.
I didn't think she'd tell your mom.
Yeah, well, she did. And she was awful sore. And now I am.
Hold on a minute.
Wait, I thought you were in the kitchen.
A mother is everywhere at all times.
RALPHIE, are you telling me that Schwartz didn't say that word?
Not that time.
See? I got punished for nothing.
Well, we'll just count that punishment toward the time you did say it.
RALPHIE, it was good of you to apologize, but you should have
told your mother the truth in the first place.
But then I'd never get what I want for Christmas,
and that's the only thing that matters to me in the entire universe.
Is that so?
And, as it is, it would take a miracle.
Well, you are in luck,
because this is the time of year when miracles happen.
Tonight is the sixth night of hanukkah!
Hanukkah?
Hanukkah is when we remember how a small amount of oil
was enough to keep a lamp burning for eight full days.
That's electric.
- You want us to burn the house down? - Oh, sorry.
RALPHIE I'm telling you, you must never lose hope.
Take it from me, I should know.
♪ At christmastime when you're a Jew ♪
♪ it's easy to feel kinda blue ♪
♪ with everyone reminding you you're different from the rest ♪
- Well, different is better. ♪ Right? - Yeah!
♪ So they can keep their Christmas trees ♪
♪ our lawns need no nativities ♪
♪ we got matzoh balls and the maccabees ♪
♪ who could be depressed? ♪ Eat!
♪ Hanukkah is here it reminds us every year ♪
♪ that when your days are growing dim a light just might appear t
♪ so you're in luck my dear ♪
♪ 'cause if you're in the market for a miracle ♪
♪ one is headin' right to ya so somebody say hallelujah ♪
♪ just take your tush and park it for a miracle ♪
♪ slap a happy smile on that face ♪
♪ 'cause if you're in the market for a miracle ♪
♪ you came to the right place ♪
The feingolds know what I'm talking about!
♪ So throw some latkes on your plate ♪
♪ come stuff yourself and celebrate ♪
♪ I think every Jew in this whole state ♪
- ♪ is here inside our home ♪ - I'Chaim!
♪ There's no need to be concerned ♪
♪ just think how long that oil burned ♪
♪ there are miracles or so I've learned ♪
♪ at temple Beth shalom ♪
He's so bright. He's so gifted. We're working on the spelling, I know.
♪ Endlessly they shine ♪
♪ sending us a sign
♪ and if you get stuck with a crummy gift ♪
♪ he'll give you one of his & mom?
- ♪ He'll give you one of his ♪ - but mom, you promised... ♪
♪ What did I say about generosity? ♪
- I'll give you one of mine! - Yes!
♪ If you're in the market for a miracle ♪
♪ we're servin' all you can handle ♪
♪ it starts by grabbin' a candle ♪
♪ light it up and spark it for a miracle ♪
♪ tell you what I'll cut right to the chase ♪ - cut to the chase ♪
- ♪ if you're in the market for a miracle! - Miracle
♪ you came to the right place ♪
Everybody!
♪ Lai, dai, dai dai, dai, dai, dai, dai, dal, ♪
♪ dai, dai, dai, dai, dai, dai ; ♪
♪ you know that Jesus was Jewish? ♪
♪ Lai, dai, dai dai, dai, dai, dai, dai, dai ♪
♪ raise a glass to the israelites ♪ - hey!
♪ Livin' it up for eight crazy nights - hey!
- ♪ You wanna stick with me ♪ - hey! Hey! Hey!
♪ If you're in the ♪
Market for a miracle you're about to be blessed - just trust ♪
♪ a Jewish mother knows best ♪
♪ when you're in the dark it takes a miracle ♪
♪ RALPHIE, baby, lemme rest my case ♪
♪ if you're in the market c'mon take your tush and park it ♪
- ♪ cause if you're in the market for a miracle! - Miracle miracle ♪
♪ you came to the right place ♪
Say, RALPHIE, you never told me what's that present you want so bad?
An official red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle.
Are you meshugenah? You'll shoot your eye out.
What?
- No! - Come on, everybody!
♪ Lai, dai, dai, dai, dai, dai, dai, dai, dai ♪
♪ dai, dai, dai, dai, dai, dai dai, dai, dai, ♪
♪ dai, dai, dai, dai, dai, dai, dai, ♪
♪ Lai dai, dai, dai, dai ♪
♪ hey!
"I" before "e," except after "c."
When will they ever learn?
Mary Beth, why aren't you outside enjoying recess?
Oh, miss shields, I've got all my Christmas letters to write.
I write special messages to every one of my friends and relatives
and I've just got to get them all out on time!
Oh, Mary Beth, a young girl like you should not be missing recess
hunched over a desk getting writer's cramp.
- I shouldn't? - Of course not.
I'll teach you how to type!
Schwartz's mom heard you apologize?
- She did. - Aw, man. That's the worst.
Well, it's over. I guess we're even now, right?
I don't know. I'll think about it.
Apology or no apology, after the lifebuoy soap debacle,
my fate now depended on getting a good grade from miss shields
and keeping my nose clean until Christmas.
That would be severely challenged by an episode
that would become legend at the Warren g. Harding elementary school.
All right. Here's the flagpole.
Now, why don't you put your tongue on it?
- I don't think that's a good idea. - Stay out of this, RALPHIE.
Go on, flick. I double dare you.
The exact exchange and nuance of phrase
is very important in this ritual.
You kiddin'?
Stick my tongue to that stupid pole?
- That's dumb. - That's cause you know it'll stick.
- You're full of it. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah! - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah! - Well, I double dog dare you!
Alright, alright, now it was serious, a double-dog dare.
What was left but a triple dare
and the final coup de grace of all dares...
The sinister triple-dog dare.
I triple-dog dare you.
Schwartz had broken etiquette a little bit by skipping the triple-dare
and going right for the throat.
♪ Well, it seems we got a little situation ♪
♪ well, it seems like things are escalatin' quick ♪
♪ this unprecedented move to skip the triple just to prove ♪
♪ just how sure he is that somethin's gonna stick...
- All right. All right. - Well, go on, smartass, and do it.
I'm goin', I'm goin'.
Flick's spine stiffened. His lips curled in a defiant sneer.
There was no turning back now.
This is not...
Stuck... stuck...
Stuck?
I'm stuck!
- What did he say? - Jeez, it really worked!
- Schwartz's old man was right! - Told ya!
♪ Well, I can't believe that actually just happened... ♪
♪ He's as good as glued as far as I can tell... ♪
- Oh. My goodness! - Holy cow.
♪ Hey guys, what do we do now? ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm pretty sure that this will not end well... ♪
Hey, fellas, help me. Come on!
- What are we going to do? - I don't know, the bell rang. We've gotta go back in.
But what are we going to do?
♪ Well it's a sticky, sticky, sticky situation ♪
♪ the stickiest there might have ever been... ♪
♪ With his lips turnin' blue... ♪
♪ What are we gonna do with this sticky situation that we're in? ♪
The horns of a dilemma.
Good little boys who went to class on time always got the best presents.
But bad little boys who got caught triple-dog daring their friends
to stick their tongues to a flagpole?
Well, what would you do?
Let's go! Come on!
Don't leave me, come back! Come back!
Nancy.
Charlie.
Richie.
Esther Jane.
Flick.
Where's flick?
Has anyone seen flick? He was at recess, wasn't he? Yes, I'm sure I saw him there.
Why is no one speaking up?
Is someone playing a trick on me? Because I don't like tricks.
Or surprises, by the way.
Unless someone tells me ahead of time how I'm going to be surprised.
RALPHIE, Schwartz, do you know where flick is?
Flick? Flick who?
♪ When you're tossed into a cross-examination ♪
♪ gotta pick an explanation to provide ♪
♪ so you rapidly invent an excuse for where he went... ♪
- He was kidnapped! - He forgot his lunch.
He died.
Class, what is going on?
♪ Well you can't confess a thing or you'll get busted ♪
♪ if you're caught, they'll cart you off to county jail ♪
♪ and then once you're locked away you'll find out on Christmas day ♪
♪ Santa doesn't read a convicted felon's mail ♪
♪ it's a sticky, sticky, sticky situation ♪
♪ just hopin' for a sudden stroke of luck ♪
♪ 'cause from this point of view what are we gonna do ♪
In this sticky situation feelin' stuck...
Now I'm going to ask this just one more time.
Has anyone seen...? Yes, Esther Jane.
Oh, my lord!
♪ Sticky, sticky ♪
♪ sticky, sticky ♪
♪ it's a sticky, sticky sticky, sticky ♪
♪ sticky, sticky sticky situation ♪
Don't worry, son, it'll all be over soon.
Now, I know some of you put flick up to this.
And those of you who did know their blame.
I'm sure the guilt far outweighs any punishment you might receive.
Adults loved to say things like that. But kids know better.
We know darn well it's always better not to get caught.
Still, I need to know.
Class, quiet, quiet.
Oh, flick.
Mr. Flick, would you care to tell me who induced you
to attach your tongue to the flagpole?
Ah pwee Da fif.
I beg your pardon?
He pleads the fifth!
Oh! You remember last week's lesson on the bill of rights!
I am a good teacher!
And nice, don't forget nice.
Well, we might as well get back to work.
- Sorry, flick. - Ith okeh.
Love might mean never having to say you're sorry,
but friendship demands it every once in a while.
Children, I have graded your Christmas themes.
I'm pleased.
They were generally pretty good, except for the margins.
Look at your own book, only, and no talking, please.
I held my breath as I stared at the paper.
I figured miss shields was restraining her praise for my theme
out of deference to the ordinary intelligence of my classmates.
I was sure the multiple plusses were fairly dripping to the floor.
But there was only one plus!
C plus?
And a note at the bottom!
"P.s. You'll shoot your eye out."
Oh, no!
Look at the loser, he only got a c plus!
♪ C plus! C plus!
♪ Not an a, not a b, but ac plus!
♪ The boss isn't happy, she isn't impressed ♪
♪ your report came up short so you failed the test ♪
♪ RALPHIE you're done that's a fact... ♪
♪ So give up the gun or you're gonna get whacked! ♪
What's the password?
- Tomato? - Tomahto.
♪ Meet the gal who makes the grade ♪
♪ here she comes to serenade ♪
♪ who can face the power she wields? ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, miss shields!
♪ Your theme was good for a laugh ♪ -
♪ you'll shoot your eye out
♪ you're barely nine and a half!
♪ You'll shoot your eye out
♪ seems like your big dreams oughta be left on the shelf -
♪ why aim for the sky? ♪
♪ If you're not careful, kid, you'll shoot yourself! ♪
♪ I hate to spoil the fun with ♪
♪ "you'll shoot your eye out" ♪
♪ but hon, start kissin' that gun goodbye ♪
♪ well, shoot, it's cute that you desire it,
♪ but the moment that you fire it ♪
♪ you'll shoot your eye out! ♪
♪ I'm sure you're sick of my spiel but ♪
♪ ba-doo-bee-doo-bee-doo you'll shoot your eye out! ♪
♪ And though you gave it areal good try ♪
♪ I bet that you'd regret lettin' a ♪
♪ little bullet crack your retina ♪
♪ you'll shoot your eye out
your turn.
Pretty good.
♪ You'll shoot your eye out
Hey!
Hello, ladies.
Hi!
These are my boys.
Hey! Hey!
Swing it!
Will you dance with me?
Hey, hey!
Hey!
Come on, kids!
Hey, hey!
♪ Here's to the dunce of the class... ♪
♪ You'll shoot your eye out! ♪
♪ Hey Ralph, we're raisin' our glasses high! ♪
♪ Now I can tell this tune's depressin' you ♪
♪ but I'm spelling out a lesson ♪
♪ you need to be taught it's gotta get through... ♪
♪ They won't give a gun to a shrimp like you... ♪
♪ It's time to give up 'cause teacher knows best ♪
♪ you're the wimpiest kid in the whole midwest... ♪
♪ You can cry you can pout ♪
♪ but I'm telling you, kid, there's no doubt ♪
♪ you'll shoot your eye ♪
♪ out! ♪
One! Two! Three! Four!
Our cast of 14 super talented kids from all over the U.S.
Rehearsed for nine weeks.
We even had teachers on set so we didn't miss any school.
These children are so talented and they've all worked so hard
and I can't wait for everyone to see all the hard work that they've put in.
It's a great joy for me that I get to perform my number with them.
"A Christmas story live" will be back after these messages.
I spent some long, frustrating days
with miss shields's words ringing in my ears.
"You'll shoot your eye out!"
Why was everybody so concerned about my eyesight?
Maybe it was those big glasses I always wore.
God, I hated them.
What's the matter, Randy?
You-know-who is coming!
The venomous vipers of the jungle return once again.
Stop scaring my brother.
What did you say, jerk?
Come and say it to my face.
Hey, Parker, when I tell you to come here, you better come here.
Better do what he says, little RALPHIE boy!
Come on, RALPHIE, let's go home.
Yeah, RALPHIE, let's get outta here.
Huwwy.,
but sometimes in this wild wilderness,
there emerges a little red demon,
a beady-eyed carnivore, an insane little beast,
that on rare occasions, inhabits us all.
Come on, four-eyes.
- What, you goin' to cry? - You goin' to cry?
Come on! Cry baby! Cry!
- Cry baby! - Cry!
- Cry!
But on this moment, on this day,
the beast didn't just inhabit me, it consumed me. It possessed me.
I threw myself at my tormentor with a strength I had never known.
- Golbuster balfaddle. - Stop it, RALPHIE, you're gonna kill him!
- Stop! Get off me! - Get off of him!
- I had no idea I had it in me. - Mom, quick!
- Confaluted frazzle-baster pena-Lotta corn doodle do! - Somebody, please help!
I had moved beyond profanity and I was speaking in tongues I think!
- He-bee, je-bee! - Get off me, get off me!
- Glockenspeilia cheriberium! - Somebody, help me! -RALPHIE, stop it!
- Eglottal eglottal eglottal. - RALPHIE, somebody... -
- boys help me get him off him!
RALPHIE, oh, my goodness,
you almost broke your glasses! Give them to me!
Well, you're crying anyway.
How'd she get here so fast?
These mothers. They're everywhere.
Way to go, Parker!
Yeah, everyone give a big hooray for RALPHIE!
Okay, now, that's enough!
But that was scut farkus.
- RALPHIE showed scut farkus who's boss! - Who's scut farkus?
He is a big bully.
Oh, well in that case...
Everyone go home, alright?
And merry Christmas.
Come on, boys.
Guys, do you believe that?
RALPHIE beat the crap out of scut farkus.
I never thought it would happen. Especially by Parker.
He tore right into him.
I think that's the last we'll be seeing of farkus for a while. And dill, too.
- RALPHIE's old man' s gonna kill him. - Yeah, but what a way to go!
He will live on as a hero to wimps everywhere.
RALPHIE Parker. A wimp for all times.
He makes me proud to be a wimp.
Amen!
♪ When you're a wimp you patiently wait for the day ♪
♪ when the tables have turned and you're makin' 'em pay ♪
♪ today you are livin' the dream ♪
♪ watch him pummel those punks while they scream ♪
♪ yeah you're ten times as tough as you seem ♪
♪ when you're a wimp ♪
♪ don't mess with a wimp ♪
No more farkus!
I had won. I had pummeled farkus,
but I had also disappointed my mother...
RALPHIE, shh.
Losing any chance I had of procuring the coveted Christmas gift.
Settle down, RALPHIE. Just settle down.
Surely my fate would be ruined
when my father heard about the fight and the profanity.
Everything's alright, RALPHIE.
Everything's going to be just fine.
♪ Catch your breath and look around ♪
♪ there's no monster waiting by ♪
♪ nothing's crumbling to the ground ♪
♪ nothing's tumbling from the sky ♪
♪ notice how the world keeps turning ♪
♪ life goes on ♪
♪ a moment comes a moment goes
♪ and just like that ♪
♪ the moment's gone ♪
♪ If you slip and scrape your knee, ♪
♪ think it's never gonna heal ♪
♪ in a day or two you see ♪
♪ it's just not that big a deal - right?
♪ And you're back to jumping, laughing ♪
♪ you've moved on ♪
♪ the moment comes the moment goes ♪
♪ and just like that ♪
♪ the moment's gone ♪
Now go upstairs and splash some cold water on your face.
Randy?
What's the matter? What'cha crying for?
Can I come in?
What's wrong?
- Daddy's gonna kill RALPHIE! - Oh, no he's not.
Daddy's not gonna kill anyone.
You want some milk?
Yeah?
There you go. Oh, Randy.
♪ All these crazy moments flicker past ♪
♪ and they're gone ♪
♪ crazy, messy moments ♪
♪ yet you try to hold on ♪
♪ 'cause they pass you in an instant ♪
♪ pass you by so fast ♪
♪ don't forget to remember these moments never last ♪
Oh, no. My old man was home.
I'd be drawn and quartered when he found out about the fight.
No, no, no, no! Get away, get away!
Get away, ya malfroggin' mutts! BUMPUS!
- Hello, dear. Did you have a good day? - Did I have a good day?
Aw, the bears are starting bulholtz this Sunday -oh.
The worst quarterback in the history...
Where's your glasses?
Did you lose your glasses again?
I... uh...
- RALPHIE? - RALPHIE, here are your glasses.
You left them on the radio this morning.
- Now, don't you do that again. - Yeah, don't do that, RALPHIE.
Alright, so, uh, what's going on here? What did I miss?
Oh, I don't know. Not much.
RALPHIE got into a fight.
A fight? Well, what kind of fight?
Oh, well, you know how boys are. I gave him a talking to...
- So you say the bears are starting bulholtz this Sunday? - Yeah, the bears a...
Since when do you pay attention to any football, huh?
- Well, why don't you go to the game and take RALPHIE with you? - Hmm, maybe I will.
Maybe I will. Though we'll probably
- freeze our keesters off. - I don't mind.
That reminds me. I need to put some more antifreeze in the olds.
Drive it in the middle of may.
I couldn't believe my ears.
Perhaps I was not about to be destroyed after all.
I don't know how she did it.
♪ Notice how the world keeps turning ♪
♪ life goes on ♪
From then on, things were different between my mother and me.
♪ And just like that ♪
♪ the moment's gone ♪
I'll never know how she always made everything alright, but,
but she always did.
Maybe it was simply that she was a master of distraction.
Randy, remember how did the little piggies eat?
We did that already.
Yes, but did you know that Santa keeps track?
He doesn't like it when little boys don't eat.
He's too busy to keep track.
Santa's never too busy, the north pole is a smooth operation.
But he's not at the north pole tonight.
He's at higbee's.
Ooh, that's right!
Frank! Higbee's!
Come on, let's go, let's go. The man with the beard!
And just like that, I began to realize that all was not lost.
There was one last hope, and it was downtown at higbee's department store.
I would have to go to the source. The man in the red hat!
Gotta find a way to get to Santa
tell him clearly and he'll hear me
he's the one
get the red Ryder carbine action bb gun
come on, mom, we gotta go! Come on!
- Okay. - Let's go, let's go!
- Come on! Let's go, go, go, go! - Come on, guys!
Yup.
Our picture car consultant, Alex Martinez,
worked with private collectors to secure
the nine beautiful classic cars you see on our set.
To keep the authentic 1940s look,
we got a 1937 oldsmobile 6, which is the same model used in the movie,
a 1940 Graham Hollywood, and, my personal favorite,
and 1940 Pontiac silver streak.
Stick around, "a Christmas story live" will return.
♪ Catch the season spirit at higbee's! ♪
Higbee's!
♪ Christmas cheer is here to stay ♪
♪ we've stocked the shelves with tons of toy ♪
♪ to take your breath away ♪
♪ come explore all that and more at ♪
♪ h-i-g-b-e-e- apostrophe-s! ♪
♪ Higbee's store today! ♪
Okay, boys and girls, don't forget to visit the man of the hour,
he's here to make all your Christmas wishes come true.
Direct from the north pole,
the man who gets paid more than we do
even though he gets to sit down the whole time,
Santa claus!
Shush! Shush it! Yes, he's the man we all care about.
Excuse me, you know, you're pretty tall to be an elf.
And you're pretty short to be a professional basketball player
but I don't say that to you, do I, because I don't know you.
And I don't want to know you
because you trample on people's hopes and dreams. Merry Christmas!
Mommy!
That's right, run to your mommy.
- Okay, let's go see Santa, come on. - Yes!
Alright, don't scuff up the stairs. Single file, come on!
Alright, stay! Right there.
Man, that is one sorry looking bunch.
I guess the other parents know how to work a to-do list so
they're not gonna show up here all last-minute.
I guess that's too much to ask of these folks right here.
Yeah, how's that chair? Pretty comfortable?
Very comfortable. Alright, let's get this over with.
♪ Up on Santa's lap ♪
♪ listen, kid, we got a lot to d ♪
♪ and we're not about to wait for you ♪
- ♪ on Santa's lap ♪ - well, it's about time.
You hear that? This one's got things to do, places to go.
Oh, yeah, we got big things for her.
I'll be the judge of that. Go on, what you got?
Tinker toys, X-ray glasses, a Teddy bear, a monopoly set,
- a hairbrush... - Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you gonna get me?
Excuse me?
Well, all you do is take, take, take. Did you ever think of my needs?
But you're Santa.
- Oh, so she noticed. - So selfish.
Alright. Can I just get a collie named fluffy?
Ah, I'll think about it.
Next victim, let's go.
♪ Up on Santa's lap ♪
♪ higbee better pay us overtime ♪
♪ for the little freaks who come to climb ♪
♪ on Santa's lap... ♪
Well, will you look at this one.
- Be sensitive, Santa. - I'm always sensitive!
What can I do for you?
I like you, Santa.
- I think we got a wet one here, someone get him off me, quick! - Go, go, go!
- And get me a towel! - Towel! -Santa! Santa!
What? I'm not your imaginary friend. I've got my limits.
What will I tell him?
Can't wait to smell him...
What is he like?
I want a new bike but how should I ask for it...
Could you move up a bit?
What is he thinking?
What is he drinking?
- Merry Christmas! - Who knows what he might
pull out of that bright red cap!
♪ Up on Santa's lap ♪
♪ he can make your Christmas dreams come true ♪
♪ which is something that he'll never do, ho ho ♪
♪ on Santa's lap ♪
Finally, after two eons and 59 minutes,
the Parker boys were next in line on mount Olympus.
♪ Up on Santa's lap... ♪
Alright, calm down.
♪ Up on Santa's lap ♪
What's your name, little boy?
- Come on, kid. Come on. - The store's nearly closing.
Yeah, what do you want for Christmas?
Oh, no, my mind had gone blank.
I was blowing it. Blowing it!
- Hurry up, kid. - Come on.
Hey, how 'bout a nice football?
Football? Football? What's a football?
- Without conscious will, my voice squeaked out... - Football.
Alright, give him a football and get him outta here.
Football? Oh, no! What was I doing? Wake up, stupid, wake up!
No!
No, no, no! No, no, no, no, wait!
I want an official red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle!
You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
Noooooooo0o!
♪ Up on Santa's lap ♪
♪ kinda crumby that you got the boot ♪
♪ now we're closing and you have to scoot! ♪
Have a nice Christmas!
♪ Up on Santa's lap ♪
♪ sad to say that's all the time we got ♪
♪ 'cause you only ever get one shot... ♪
- Y you only get one shot ♪ - ♪ you only get one shot... ♪
♪ On Santa's lap... ♪
I love this job.
To transform the famed Warner Bros. Back lot
into a home in Indiana, circa December 1940,
it took a little more than Christmas magic and a heck of a lot of elves.
Emmy award winning set designer Joe celli and his staff
recreated all the classic scenes from the movie.
He made it wintertime right here in Burbank, California.
Now that's what I call a cool Christmas miracle.
"A Christmas story live" continues.
Despite my near-debacle with Santa and his elves at higbee's department store,
I had at least managed to log my air rifle request with the big man.
Who knows? Maybe I'd get the air rifle and a football.
Make way, it's coming in for a landing.
What are you doing?
Making room for the zeppelin I'm getting for Christmas.
It's going to light up and make noise.
Does it have a thing that tells time?
- No. - That's okay. The red Ryder has this thing that tells time.
Can I look at it?
If you're good, sure.
It was Christmas Eve.
I had renewed reasons for optimism, Santa was on the case.
But, of course, that's always the moment when life plays tricks on you.
Cruel, unexpected tricks.
- I'll never forget that sound. - Oh...
Oh, dear.
What happened? What broke? What ha...
At that moment, my old man knew.
That thing he'd feared from the very first day had come to pass.
The lamp.
You were always jealous of this lamp.
Jealous? Of a plastic leg?
Yeah, jealous. You were jealous because I won!
That is ridiculous! Jealous of what?
That was the ugliest lamp I ever saw.
Glue. I need glue.
We're out of glue.
You used up all the glue on purpose!
Randy used it up on a school project.
I haven't had a chance to go buy more.
Then I shall go get some.
- At six o'clock on Christmas Eve? - I'll find some, somewhere.
And don't you touch that lamp.
Oh, I have never wanted to touch that lamp.
Oh, well, you certainly touched it tonight, didn't you?!
Not a finger!
Boys!
I'm going next door to Mrs. Cartwright's for a little while.
Randy, your dinner is still on the table.
You're the only one who didn't finish their food.
Can't you ever just...
Do what I say?
Nothing like this had ever happened before.
Wow.
I suddenly had an idea that might pay dividends on Christmas morning...
If it worked.
- Maybe we can do something. - What?
- To put everything back together again. - How?
♪ Grab that piece from the floor fix it up like before ♪
♪ take the knee wait, lift it higher ♪
♪ he'll forget that it broke ♪
- There we go ♪ - is that smoke? ♪
♪ Oh, my gosh! ♪ - It smells like fire! ♪ Ah!
♪ Here, take the heel of the shoe ♪
♪ we're out of luck without glue ♪
-♪ so? Try again & - nothing fits ♪
- This might work ♪ - call it quits ♪
♪ what's the point? ♪
♪ Just do the best we can ♪
♪ before the old man comes home ♪
And, one, two, three.
- And, there! - Not bad.
And there oughta be something we can do to make mom feel better, too.
Like what?
Well, for one thing, you could start eating your food
without all that little piggy stuff.
♪ She'll come back, see your plate, won't believe that you ate ♪
♪ try to swallow just one carrot ♪
- ♪ I don't know if I can ♪ - ♪ open up, be a man ♪
-♪ it's too much ¢ -♪ then fine, we'll share it ♪
Hey, if you just take a bite ♪
They won't remember their fight & -♪ alright ♪
- ♪ force it down, really quick ♪ - ♪ I think I'm getting sick ♪
♪ this could work! ♪
♪ We need a better plan ♪
♪ before the old man comes home ♪
♪ if he sees that the lamp is on ♪
♪ if she sees that the food is gone ♪
♪ maybe then that's when
♪ everything will be ok again ♪
Quick, we gotta hide.
The old man came home a little later
with five bottles of extra strength glue.
He worked furiously and futilely for over an hour.
At last, giving in to the inevitability
that the precious lamp was lost.
A little after that, our mother returned.
Frank,
- ♪ I just... ♪ - ♪ if I was... ♪
- When I said... ♪ - ♪ it's because... ♪
How on earth it got this way ♪ - it got this way ♪
- When I said... ♪ - I was so... ♪
- And I tried ♪ - ♪ yeah, I know ♪
Listen, frank, what I mean to say ♪
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
The white flag had been waved. The war was over.
Peace had once again returned to the land.
Finally, with as much dignity as he could master,
the old man picked up what was left of his major award
and took it into the backyard.
Boys?
Time to get your p.J.S on.
Everything's all right.
It's Christmas Eve.
And I could never be sure, but I thought I could hear...
The academy award winning team of ben♪ pasek and Justin Paul
had decked the halls with a joyous musical score conducted by Ian eisendrath.
Each song takes us on a spirited musical sleigh ride
through all the beloved scenes from the classic film.
Stay tuned for more from "a Christmas story live."
Kids' dreams die hard.
I'd heard a lot of "no” in the past three weeks, from no less than Santa himself.
Still, I listened for some far-off clamor of hope.
I knew Santa and his reindeer already left the north pole
and that good little boys and girls everywhere had to be asleep when he arrived.
They just had to.
RALPHIE, are you asleep?
No. Are you?
I don't think so.
♪ I toss and turn turn and toss again ♪
♪ hear the clock tick and tock it goes so slow ♪
♪ legs criss and cross again ♪
♪ count a billion sheep but I still can't sleep ♪
♪ right when I'm going to bust ♪
♪ flip-flop and readjust ♪
♪ can't go to bed instead my mind begins to race ♪
♪ something's taking place ♪
♪ every year I wait up to hear him go "ho ho ho" ♪
♪ 'cause I somewhere hovering over Indiana ♪
♪ Santa's covering ground in lightning speed ♪
♪ high above the town, flying down better catch him quick, old Saint Nick ♪
♪ maybe still in evansville ♪
♪ somewhere hovering over Indiana ♪
♪ across the whole state and straight to me ♪
♪ I tried real hard to be good this year ♪
♪ but I made a mistake or two ♪
Or... twelve ♪ - he understood this year, right? ♪
♪ When I lost my hat ♪
♪ when I killed my cat ♪
♪ please let my name exist ♪
♪ far from the naughty list ♪
♪ I would be twice as nice if he would just unpack ♪
♪ something from the sack ♪
♪ something better than just a sweater for me, we'll see ♪
♪ he might be somewhere hovering over Indiana ♪
♪ Santa's covering ground and gaining speed -
♪ high above the town flying down on a reindeer flight through the night ♪
♪ zooming into bloomington ♪
♪ somewhere hovering over Indiana ♪
♪ across the whole state and straight to me ♪
♪ he'll come swerving down the hill catch the curve around the mill ♪
♪ maybe skate along the branches of the trees ♪
♪ you might spot him in the fields -
♪ careful not to hit miss shields! ♪
♪ Hurry through the worry and get here pretty please ♪
♪ pretty please ♪
He's somewhere hovering over Indiana ♪ -♪ Indiana ♪
♪ across the whole state ♪
♪ and straight ♪
To me ♪ - somwhere hovering over Indiana ♪
♪ to me! ♪
You'd be right in noticing that the BUMPUS hounds
are different from the bloodhounds in the movie.
Our dogs were rescued from a zoo in Japan,
but everyone knows rescue dogs are super smart.
Our trainers agree. The cast couldn't be happier.
And the dogs, well, they found their forever family with one of our trainers.
I guess you can say they have their own Christmas story.
Stay tuned for more from "a Christmas story live."
♪ It's Christmas it's Christmas ♪
♪ it's Christmas it's Christmas ♪
♪ it's Christmas day! ♪
Hurry up, Randy! Let's go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go! Come on!
- RALPHIE, you pushed me! - Sorry, but go, go, go!
- Here they come. - Make way!
- Wow! - Wow! Look at that!
- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas, you two.
Hey! Hey, a fire truck! That one's mine! That one's mine!
Wait for Christmas to start, honey.
I wanna play Santa!
- Can I play Santa? - No, now wait a minute, you played Santa last year, Randy.
RALPHIE, why don't you play Santa?
RALPHIE plays Santa!
Okay. Oh, Randy, this one is yours.
What's in here?!
Oh, dad, this one's yours.
- Get me that one right there. - Oh, thank you.
A zeppelin! It's just what I wanted.
A can of simoniz. Well, whaddaya know? Thanks.
From me to you.
- You gave me a blue ball. - I did.
You gave me a blue bowling ball and it's just my size. Thank you, my dear.
♪ This has to be the box 'cause it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ I can't get stuck with socks "cause it all comes down to Christmas ♪
♪ I've got one shot and it's only one gift away ♪
♪ it's gotta be it's gotta be it's gotta be ♪
♪ it's gotta be the gun on Christmas... ♪
No!
Oh, RALPHIE, aunt Clara always gives you the nicest things!
Go on upstairs and try it on.
I don't want to.
Go on.
Which one's aunt Clara again? The one with the mustache?
- She has a slight mustache, -yes, but she's very nice. - 5 o'clock shadow. Is she?
Yeah, she's not nice to me. I think she used to play linebacker for the packers.
That is not true. She would make any man very happy.
RALPHIE, hurry up and put it on and come downstairs.
Frank?
Ooh, frank, you better not be in there with that Turkey!
Frank Parker, what do you think you're doing?
I'm just taking a little taste.
Oh, my goodness, that Turkey has hours left to cook. You'll get worms!
- This piece is cooked. Mmm. It's delicious. - Don't put that in your mouth!
- That's disgusting. - You're a marvelous chef.
- You better put that purkey... - Put the purkey?
You better put that Turkey - put the purkey, put the purkey!
- Right back where you found it, frank Parker. - Put the purkey!
- Okay. Aye, aye, captain. - I'm watching you.
I'm gonna put the purkey.
RALPHIE, hurry up and come downstairs!
Come on, mom!
Come downstairs and show us what aunt Clara gave you!
Aw, mom!
Aunt Clara went to all that trouble to make it. Come down here.
Come down here!
- Come down here! Come down here! - Alright, honey.
That is so cute.
My aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion
that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.
That's the most precious thing I've ever seen.
If Schwartz and flick ever saw me in this outfit, -
my life at school would be a veritable hell.
- Oh, that is so cute! - -Shut up, Randy.
He looks like a deranged easter bunny.
- He does not. - He does, too. He looks like a pink nightmare.
Are you happy wearing that thing?
Well do you want to take it off? Alright, come on, tell the kid to take it off.
Oh, alright, you'll only wear it when aunt Clara comes to visit. Now go on and take it off.
If you ever have to spend Christmas morning
thinking about the one gift that you really wanted and didn't get,
and you find yourself in the depths of despair,
well, then I encourage you to spend about five minutes in a pink bunny suit
that heats up inside to about a hundred and fifty degrees.
I think you'll find it brings a surprising amount of perspective.
Yes, my dream of a red Ryder bb gun was dashed.
But I was spending Christmas with my family. And that was what mattered.
Or at least that's what I kept telling myself for the next several hours.
You know, this wine's not bad.
- Well, it's not that good either. - That's true.
I actually kind of like it. RALPHIE, you want a taste?
- Yeah. - No, you don't.
Well, did you have a good Christmas, Ralph?
- Yeah. Pretty nice. - Yeah?
Did you get everything you wanted?
Uh, almost.
Almost, huh? Well, that's life.
- There's always next Christmas. - Yeah, next Christmas.
Hey, what's that over there?
Where?
That over there. Right under the table. I think I see something.
You better go have a look.
What is it, frank?
♪ An official red Ryder range model carbine-action bb gun! ♪
♪ With a compass in the stock ♪
♪ and this thing that tells time!
Well, I wonder who put it there.
Yeah, Santa claus must have put it there!
I had one when I was his age.
Oh, it was beautiful. I couldn't wait to try it out.
You know how to load it?
Careful, careful, though! They'll run all over.
Can I try it out, mom. Can I, can I?
Oh, alright, but be careful. I still say those things are dangerous.
Don't shoot any birds or animals!
- Except the BUMPUS hounds! - You may not shoot the BUMPUS hounds!
RALPHIE, c'mere...
♪ You don't need a ♪ ♪ steed to be a cowboy ♪
No.
♪ You're not a hero just by galloping off in the sun ♪
♪ what you really need to be a cowboy ♪
♪ fearless keeping bandits tremblin' ♪
♪ on the run ♪
- ♪ is a red Ryder carbine ♪ - red Ryder carbine ♪
- Stock with a compass ♪ - stock with a compass ♪
♪ red Ryder carbine action bb gun! ♪
Go get 'em, son!
RALPHIE to the rescue! Oh!
Firin' fast, he's a cowboy at last now let her blow
blow, blow
okay, black Bart, now you get yours.
RALPHIE?
Oh, my god! My god, I shot my eye out!
You be careful out there, RALPHIE. Don't shoot your eye out.
She hadn't seen! She didn't know! My eye's okay.
The bb must have hit my glasses. My glasses!
Oh, no! Where were my glasses?
Nothing brought such swift and terrible retribution on a kid
as a pair of busted glasses!
- Oh, no! - Oh, no!
Pulverized.
Rapidly my mind came up with a spectacular plot.
It had to work. Quickly, I whipped up some tears.
- RALPHIE? - Mommy!
What's the matter, baby? What happened?
- There was an icicle! - An icicle?
Uh-huh. It fell off the roof. It hit my cheek and broke my glasses.
- I tried to get out of the way but I couldn't. - Oh, let me see.
Okay, lemme see.
Oh, it's just a little bump.
You poor thing! You're lucky it didn't hit your eye.
- Those icicles have been known to kill people! - But what about my glasses?
I think these glasses saved your eye, Ralph. I bet you're glad you wear them now.
I never thought of it that way.
You can wear the old ones with the crack in them until we can get you some new ones.
Oh, I had pulled it off. Victory was mine!
And I hope you learned your lesson.
Lesson? What!?
You knew the whole time?
Well, how did I not realize that at the time?
I was too happy, I guess. Too filled with the joy of Christmas.
Yet sometimes, when our joy is at its zenith,
when all seems most right with the world,
that's when the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.
Hey, do you feel a breeze in here?
Yeah, I'm feelin' a draft.
Window's shut. I'm feelin' it.
Yep, by golly, someone left the back door ajar.
- Now, it's hard enough to keep the furnace... ah, shut up... -
no, no, no, no! Get out of here!
BUMPUS, you son of a...
Everybody, back away! Nothing to see here!
The heavenly aroma still hung heavy in the house.
But it was gone... all gone.
No Turkey, no Turkey sandwiches,
no Turkey salad, no Turkey hash,
no Turkey Nothin'.
And in moments like this, there's only one thing to do.
Everybody, get dressed. We are going out to eat.
But everything's closed.
Not everything.
Broadway's legendary custom designer, William ivey long, and his team
have created hundreds of costumes for the huge cast.
I think the costumes added a real flair to the show.
Except for the bunny suit.
"A Christmas story live" continues.
Now there was only one place that might possibly be
open on Christmas day in hohman, Indiana.
A place we timid culinary souls had never set foot in before,
that happened to be owned and operated by our local used car and Christmas tree salesman.
Hohman, Indiana was still a very small town.
You sure you don't have Turkey?
We have duck.
- Duck? - Duck.
Yes, but does it taste like Turkey?
Yes, but it's duck and tastes like duck.
Do you cook it like Turkey?
We cook it like duck.
- Duck? - Duck.
- Duck.
Goose.
All right, we'll give it a try.
Jesse! Prepare the duck!
Thank you.
Well, looks like we're the only ones here.
Oh, no, you're not.
We come here every Christmas. We're going to the movies after.
Happy holidays!
Here we go.
Honey, it's... it's... uh...
It's a beautiful duck, it really is, you see, it's...
It's smiling at me.
Hey, how about a Christmas Carol?
Boys!
Come on, line up, line up! Come on, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
Okay, stand up straight.
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of Holly ♪
♪ fa la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
♪ fa la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ fa la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ troll the ancient yuletide Carol ♪
♪ fa la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la?
Wow. I wasn't expecting that.
What were you expecting?
I don't know.
That was magnificent.
They're all home from college.
These three are mine.
All Ivy league, except for Bob, who has a good personality.
Well, congratulations!
Isn't this a great country?
It is. It certainly is.
Shall we all sing?
Why not?
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ fa la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ troll the ancient yuletide Carol ♪
♪ fa la la la la la la la la ♪
Thank you, my dear.
♪ What a perfect scene ♪
♪ on a Christmas night ♪
♪ so we might be stuck with duck ♪
♪ but the world's alright ♪
♪ and you have to laugh
♪ it's a giant mess ♪
- ♪ but if no one cried ♪ - or died ♪
♪ it's a big success ♪
- Right? ♪ - Right
♪ this year we nearly went insane ♪
♪ this year we gave up stuffing for chow mein ♪
- Hey! This is good! - Oh, of course.
♪ What a Christmas story to behold ♪
♪ a crazy Christmas story to be told ♪
♪ we got a bird with no head a pot fulla tea
♪ what's to be said when you are here next to me? ♪
Yeah.
♪ Who could want much more? ♪
♪ Our Christmas story ♪
That Christmas would go down in our memory as
the Christmas we were introduced to Chinese Turkey.
Not to mention the joys of a cappella Harmony.
♪ I had one big wish ♪
♪ Santa somehow knew ♪
♪ right before my eyes...
♪ Surprise!
♪ My wish came true ♪
♪ this year we might not have a lot ♪
♪ this year I'll tell ya one thing that we got ♪
♪ what a Christmas story to behold ♪
♪ a crazy Christmas story to be told ♪
♪ I'll take the cheap Christmas wines t
♪ the slush in the street ♪
♪ the crowds and the lines that make the season complete... ♪
We did it.
♪ Who could ask for more? ♪
♪ This Christmas story ♪
♪ Years may pass but still we will remember, ♪
- ♪ wonder where we'll be ♪ - ♪ being here together this December ♪
♪ all around our tree ♪
♪ seeing every girl and boy with a heart so full of joy ♪
- We'll look back someday ♪ - from far away ♪
♪ we'll say.'
♪ what a Christmas story ♪
♪ a crazy Christmas story ♪ -♪ a crazy Christmas story ♪ - a crazy story ♪
To be told ♪ - what a Christmas story to behold ♪
What a Christmas story to behold -♪ a crazy Christmas story ♪
♪ to be told ♪
Back in those days, your parents didn't say, "I love you" very often.
You were there and they took care of you.
It was their job was to raise you and it was your job was to let them.
When they said, "don't run with scissors," or "button your coat,” or
"you'll shoot your eye out,” maybe even they didn't know it, but that's what it was.
Love.
That night, next to me in the darkness
lay my cold blue steel beauty... the greatest Christmas gift I had ever received.
Are you kiddin' me?
My old man, my dad, he gave it to me.
And my mom, she let me keep it. That's why it was the greatest gift I would ever receive.
As the excitement of the day gradually subsided,
eventually I drifted off to sleep,
pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.
♪ Christmas is here, this calm, quiet night ♪
♪ it comes once a year, so you hold on to it tight ♪
♪ who could want much more? ♪
♪ A Christmas story ♪
Enjoy it, RALPHIE! Enjoy every minute of it.
Merry Christmas.