WWW.MY-SUBS.COM ﻿1
Subtitles by explosiveskull
Trick or treat.
Mom, why do we watch these movies?
Maybe because we're not supposed to.
And they're fun.
I thought these movies were scary.
They are... so scary that most people would
close their eyes or run away.
But we don't.
When the shadows are dark, and the music is creepy,
and you know you should close your eyes, we take a peek...
boo!... and laugh because now you know.
Know what?
That you're stronger than anything you're afraid of.
Pretty cheesy, Mom.
I'm going to check in on Jeanie.
OK.
You two continue to scare yourself silly.
Thanks, babe.
Chocolate milk?
Yeah.
Mom?
No jumping out at me, OK?
Mom?
Honey?
Dax?
Dax!
Don't look, Dax.
Don't look!
Easy boy, Karloff.
"Blood feast."
It actually sounds kind of boring.
Boring? Come on, Sis.
"Blood Feast" is a Herschell Gordon
Lewis cinematic classic, OK?
Blood Fest, the thing that I'm going to,
is the greatest horror event of all time.
It's gonna suck.
Whatever, Jayme.
Dax?
Will you come to my office, please?
Hey, shut the fuck up.
Cheers!
Hey, you, uh, wanting to see me?
You know, I'm being interviewed on Network News
tonight.
It's kind of a big deal.
I really want you to be there.
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
I... I'll, uh, I'll try to come.
I'm going to be talking about Blood Fest...
how I and my family are totally opposed to it,
how no child of mine would ever set foot on those grounds.
You understand?
Mm-hmm.
Good.
Then, uh, you won't be needing this.
Wait a minute, I...
look, I think I'm old enough to make my own decision.
You live in my house.
I don't understand this obsession with violence, Dax.
Dad, it's... it's movies.
I don't know what to tell you.
It poses as entertainment, but it's
these kind of movies that drove my patient to kill your mother.
How do you not see that?
This isn't about her.
Please, don't... don't do that.
Blood Fest is a gathering of freaks and degenerates
celebrating mindless violence and gore.
Blood Fest is the gathering
of freaks and degenerates celebrating
mindless violence and gore.
It's going to be extraordinary!
Blood!
Blood Fest!
Legendary field producer, movie promoter,
and lover of all things horrific, Anthony Walsh,
invites you to run for your life!
Blood Fest!
We've taken a 700-acre ranch in the middle
of nowhere and recreated the most iconic
of cinematic horror locales.
Don't miss the biggest names in horror,
celebrity panels, and the most outrageous parties.
Recent additions include the Original Arborist, Roger
Hinckley, the cast and crew of "Hell's Nest,"
and late night karaoke with Zachary Levi.
Get inside the gates before sundown Halloween night.
Blood!
Blood Fest!
Brought to you by Walsh Corporation.
You've got to stop watching that.
You're torturing yourself.
We'll find another ticket.
The whole thing has been sold out for months.
Scalpers are charging more money than I have pores.
Yo! Yo!
Y'all see my Overwatch post?
I hacked the game code, got all badass on ultimate skills.
Three new subscribers.
None of them relatives.
Boom, boom, bah.
Morning, Krill.
I'm now ready to forsake my virtual multiverses
for a weekend of Blood Fest.
Plus, I think it's time that I find
the extraordinary lady worthy enough to de-flower me,
the Krill.
It's mind boggling that no one has snatched you up yet.
I know, right? That's what I'm saying.
It's crazy out here.
It's crazy out here in this world, man.
Where... what... what... what...
what's up with him?
His dad found his wristband.
You guys just go ahead without me.
Maybe you should call Ashley.
She could probably get you in.
Oh, please don't mention her, dude.
There's a "Hell's Nest" panel at Blood Fest.
She probably has an extra pass.
I... I... I can't...
I can't believe... It's so wrong.
Ashley Spats... Ashley Spats is at Blood Fest.
And I'm stuck here.
You know, Ashley who thought "Black Christmas" was
a Tyler Perry holiday movie.
You know, sh... sh... she refuses to watch "Seven," because she
didn't see the first six.
OK.
She thought that "28 Days Later"
was a... was a health doc about the fucking menstrual cycle.
Dax, you're pitiful.
Here's something that you really want,
and you're going to let your dad stop you?
He's a... he's a scary guy.
Everyone's dad is a scary guy.
Nut up.
You were made for Blood Fest.
Blood Fest.
I'll call her.
You happy?
Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about!
Pow!
- Dax. - Hey!
Ashley!
Long time no nothing.
I just wanted to congratulate you on
your new movie, "Hell's Nest."
Looks like it's going to be awesome.
So you're... you're a... you're an actor in it, right?
You're... oh, God... wha... wha... what are you...
what are you playing again?
Topless girl number four.
Topless girl number four, that's it.
It's a key role.
It's no topless girl number three.
I'd kill for topless girl number three.
Well, you're in a movie.
That's awesome.
You're making your dreams come true.
Uh, if you need, uh, a ride to... uh, to...
Blood Fest, you're more than welcome to, uh...
Uh, I'm actually here already, you know, to emotionally
prepare for the fans.
I'm trying to find a way in.
They have more barbed wire here than an S&M summer camp.
Wait, Ashely, the... the reason I'm calling...
What's taking him so long?
Why doesn't he just ask her?
I've known Dax a long time.
He survived some hard stuff.
And he's got his pride.
Dax is not going a coward just so he can...
Please, Ashley, just... just get me through the door!
I'm literally on my knees begging you, look.
That's me begging.
Do you get it?
Scratch that.
He's cookie dough.
Let's go to Blood Fest!
Why all the rules?
Freddy only kills in dreams, virgins survive.
Michael won't just build a dirty bomb and kill them all.
These rules.
You've got to have rules.
Otherwise, death would be random...
just chaotic and meaningless.
That's life.
If movies were life, no one would buy a ticket.
Blood Fest gates are closing in one minute!
Come on!
The gates are closing!
Let's go!
This is gonna be the best night of my life.
Come on, Dax!
Please have your wristbands on and visible.
This is so beautiful.
It's like some twisted and horrific heaven.
Tone it back, boys.
Hi.
Hey.
Wristband.
I'm actually supposed to be meaning someone here.
Dax.
Oh, she's right there.
Whoa.
Oh, it's cool.
He's with me.
Thanks.
Ashley, you are a lifesaver.
This is Lenjamin Cain, director of "Hell's Nest."
He's why you're here.
Thanks, baby.
Appreciate it.
Uh-huh.
It's my pleasure.
It's my pleasure to help out.
Uh, babe, I'm sorry, but why is this fanboy
getting in under my name?
He's a friend.
And besides, you did it for me, your little pooky pokey
pooky bear.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Rawr.
Pooky bear needs a poke?
I'm a naughty bear.
Uh, OK.
Uh, well, thanks very much for getting me in, Lenjamin.
And congratulations on the film.
Oh, thank you so much.
It's... it's shit.
It's the shit.
I left out that article.
I got to ask you to leave.
I'm messing with you.
Oh, OK.
I'm messing with you.
Yeah, you're going to love the film.
When it comes out, everybody's going to love it.
Ashley's great in it.
- Stacked. - Really?
We need to go.
Namaste.
OK.
That was awkward.
That's my balloons.
Clown Town?
That's not even funny.
We're not going there.
We're going everywhere, dude.
You don't like clowns?
You know I don't like clowns!
Nice balloons.
She's the one.
She's the one I will lay with tonight.
Lucky girl.
Someone should tell her.
Why do you joke?
Oh, my God...
the Arborist.
Whoa, he trimmed the beard.
Dax, you've got to go meet him.
It's the Arborist!
Roger Hinckley, you, sir, are the scariest man alive.
Hey, check it out.
I got a, uh, tattoo.
Oh.
Arbor Day?
Between you and me though, part four is my favorite, all right?
Never saw it.
Part four?
Never saw any of them.
You've never seen any of your own films?
I don't like scary movies, OK?
It's too much gore.
The sight of blood just makes me want to...
I used to puke after every take.
Wou... would it be too much to ask
if you'd possibly do the Arborist catchphrase for me?
Yeah.
It would be.
Hey, a big fan.
I actually disemboweled you in a modded version of Mortal Kombat
the other day.
Um, dude, let's go.
The kick-off party's about to start.
Asshole.
That was devastating.
Never meet your heroes.
It's always a letdown.
This should cheer you up.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!
I've got a question!
Who wants some horror!
Inside these gates, we have re-created all
your cinematic scare-scapes...
from summer camps to asylums to circuses!
Clowns, not the clowns.
Every monster or maniac to ever spill blood
on the silver screen has been granted
a portion of these grounds.
And it's all for you.
I want this man to adopt me.
But children... children, we have a problem.
Horror is dead.
I mean, look around you!
Our vampires glitter!
Our zombies have become soap opera stars!
Our slashers have grown dull and old.
We put Freddy on a lunchbox!
We put Lovecraft in a coloring book!
We have overconsumed and overproduced,
and we have taken what was forbidden, what was dangerous,
and we have made it common.
Wanna make movies scary again?
Wanna do it tonight?
Yeah!
Wanna make a horror movie to end all horror movies?
Ladies and gentleman!
I give you Red!
Let me introduce you to your new favorite nightmare, your
dark id, your boner for blood.
And if you come up on stage, he will kill you.
Any volunteers?
Uh, should I?
You two girls, come on up!
Wonderful!
Give them a round of applause!
Oh, my... oh, my god.
It's... it's them.
- It's them. - It's your soulmate.
Yeah!
Don't be shy!
You look beautiful!
Ladies, meet Red!
Oh.
That was amazing!
That was... that was pretty good.
So when do you start filming?
Oh, we're already filming.
And the best part?
This shit's for real!
We gotta run now!
Go!
Welcome to Blood Fest, mother fuckers!
Guys!
It's special effects!
All the blood is fake!
What are you running for?
Oh, shit!
Hey guys!
I'm running from the pigheads.
Not the kind you think.
Not the usual kind.
These have chainsaws!
Hey!
Come and get it!
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No! No!
And remember, there's no horror without hope!
If you know the rules, you just might make it!
The rest of you are dead!
Everyone's going to the main gate.
It's going to be a death trap. This way!
I can't see a thing.
Found a light.
Oh!
Oh my God!
Did you hear something?
Yeah.
Besides chainsaws, death screams, and me
pissing my fucking pants!
No, there's something.
It's over there.
Wh... wh... wh... wh... wha... wha... what are you doing?
You can't open that door!
It'll be like a cat or like a rake.
And then we'll all breathe a sigh of relief.
And then something will pounce from the other direction!
James Wan has made a career on that shit, Dax!
Please don't!
Shut up, Krill!
Please!
See?
I fucking said so!
Ashley!
No signal.
How fucking cliche is that?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
And my vape's down.
Perfect night.
OK, let's calm down, and let's think.
There's got to be another way out of here.
The gate is locked, and the fence is electric.
There's pigs with chainsaws.
We're dead!
Do you think the back gate is locked too?
What back gate?
Well, I got here early, and the doors were still shut.
And there was this yellow warehouse
thing with a back door.
It was sealed shut, but some guy gave me this,
and it opened right up.
It's not going to open now.
The whole place is locked down.
Hey, this a crypto-processor.
We use this on Doomlarp!
Doomlarp?
Jesus! Geek!
Fuck!
I can hack this.
If you get me to the back gate, I'll get it open.
We can do this.
Sorry.
It's on the other side of the grounds near the circus stuff.
My God! Fucking Clown Town!
Are you fucking serious?
All right, so, we are by the main entrance.
Clown Town is here.
Yeah, we just gotta move quick.
Stay quiet.
You have flashlights?
I always have flashlights.
So you want to hike through 700 acres of nightmare filled
with those pig fuck butchers and any other freak
that Walsh has cooked up for the slim chance
that Mr. Robot here can hack open a back door.
You got any other plans?
Uh, you turds go and get help.
Me and Ashley are staying here where it's safe.
What?
No, we can't do that. It's a bad idea.
Wa... Walsh said follow the rules.
What rules?
Dude, ru... rules of the genre, rules of the subgenres,
the tropes, the principles.
Rule number one is... is don't split up, dude.
You... you seen a film before?
I don't see movies.
I make them.
Babe, I got a signal.
911, what's your emergency?
Uh, yeah, I'm at Blood Fest.
We're trapped on the festival grounds,
and people are being slaughtered.
I need immediate assistance for two people.
We have your location.
Someone is on the way.
Thank you very much.
My name is Lenjamin Cain, and I'm a film director.
And I'm a celebrity.
And I'm with an up-and-coming actress, so...
- Coming actress. - I'm with the coming actress.
So if that will speed things up at all, that would be great.
Stay calm.
Remain where you are.
And if you can, go fuck yourself.
What was that?
If you are able and so inclined,
put your penis between your legs and into your anus.
Then proceed to fuck yourself.
And how would that help us?
No one's coming.
Oh, don't worry.
Someone should be there any moment.
Move! Move!
Go! Go!
Come on!
Through the door!
Don't rush me!
Anything else I can assist you with?
Thank you for using 911.
So that was a pleasant start.
Billy, I want you to double-check the outer fences,
get the voltage up to 700-plus.
Amy, let's talk Clown Town.
I want to see those freaks all riled up.
They're riled up, sir.
OK, make sure you catch any call that tries to get out.
But on a few of them, play it cool.
I at least put some people to think that help is on the way.
Why?
I mean, doesn't it seem kind of cruel just to give
people a false sense of hope?
What if I told you that you were going to die
tonight no matter what you did?
What would you feel?
Despair.
Now what if I told you, you had a chance
but only, only if you made all the right calls, only if you
took all the right steps, only you
dug down deep inside your soul and you
found some hidden strength you never even knew you had?
How would you feel then?
Motivated.
Motivation.
It's what every character needs.
I'm telling you, there are rules you have to follow,
like don't chant anything in Latin.
Don't get naked.
Never be alone with a doll...
those kinds of things.
These rules are ridiculous.
Ashley, Ashley, Ashley, Ashley.
Let me see that badge.
Yeah, I think I should hold on this.
Why?
Because I don't trust the monster squad
to get us out of here alive.
Are we going backwards?
It's upside down.
Do you trust me?
Babe, no.
You're an actress.
All right, let's keep moving.
Well, uh, wh... wh... whoa! Wait a minute.
Maybe we should double-back and find a different route.
Double-back?
This is a straight shot.
Oh, wait.
You don't think we're going to wake the dead, you know?
Like get attacked by zombies?
Maybe.
Are you serious?
You're right.
We should be really respectful.
Excuse me, sir or madam, I'm so sorry to tread
on your forever resting place.
Those are props.
This is not a real graveyard, OK?
Do you honestly think that Walsh wouldn't spring
for real tombstones but went ahead
and got a boatload of corpses from...
God knows where you get corpses!
And then he figured out a way to animate them.
And then he buried them here in the hopes
that we would come tromping through
and make a little too much noise, wake the dead,
and get attacked by zombies.
Well, there's no such thing as zombies!
What?
It's just... that's usually when...
when something happens to you.
Like what?
Ah!
That.
Lenjamin!
Maybe he's OK.
Oh!
Maybe not!
The cabin!
Go!
This way!
Oh, my God!
It smells like dead people!
Smells like dead people!
Come on! Quickly!
Get the door! Get the door!
Go! Get the doorbell!
Hello! Help us!
I'm sorry!
We're all full!
I'm sorry there's no more room in here!
What?
We have a...
we have a pregnant woman in here.
And, uh, we have... actually, we have two
pregnant women in here and...
Hinckley.
Barricade the door.
I was...
I was trying to open the lock.
The lock was kind of tricky.
He's gone.
And he was going to direct a rom-com.
I was going to be the rom!
Dax!
What do we do?
How should I know? Huh?
We're probably all dead.
And not just die in our sleep dead, which is bad enough,
but "being eaten alive by zombies,"
screaming, "waiting for it all to end" dead.
Hey, can I have a minute?
You'll be OK.
Don't cry.
That is not helping.
OK, we need to come up with a plan.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know shit!
Dax!
All you know is shit!
But that shit is of particular value right now!
We've got a dozen horror movies between us
and actually surviving this mess.
Walsh is using every trope in the book.
Jesus, if I was a virgin, I'd probably
have a fighting chance.
You're not a virgin?
The point is that no one knows these movies better than you.
So we need you to pull it together
and help us get out of here.
OK, OK.
All right.
Let's think here.
OK, so what are we dealing with here?
Huh?
Nothing outside was running, right?
No Snyders?
No Boyles? OK.
We know how to kill them.
How?
Oh, shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
If this goes all Evil Dead, I'm gonna pop!
The zombies are coming!
Oh, my God!
Hit him in the head! Dax!
Somebody!
Get him...
A hit to the head takes them down.
Wouldn't that kill anything?
This is a GoPro.
Walsh... he's filming us.
Oh, oh!
Jesus.
Ah!
These... these things are electrodes.
Those things resurrect the dead.
He's controlling them.
I think I know where the signal's coming from.
Let's move.
Faster, faster, move faster!
Go, go, go! Come on.
Great!
Powered up!
Zombie needs food fast!
Time to nom-nom, zom!
How's it going, guys?
Need anything?
Doritos? Red Bull?
Corn syrup?
No, but these super real graphics
are hella cheesing, my dude.
Also, my guys are moving slow.
Well... he's a zombie.
Yeah, that's boring.
When are we going to play the victims?
Soon.
I promise.
Oh, shit!
Here they come!
OK, yeah, got it.
Excuse me...
Oh, shit.
Uh...
You have to hit him in the head!
I'm not going to hit a corpse!
That's disgusting!
Oh, my God!
Oh!
Oh, my God!
Get away!
Oh, my God!
How's it coming, Dax?
Blue, green, red, another red...
- instructions maybe. - Do something!
There's too many wires! All right?
Which one do I pull?
It's not a bomb!
Just pull them all!
George Romero, if you're out there, save us.
What?
Yo!
That's some bullshit!
A... are there autosaves?
Oh!
- They're dead? - Oh!
Fuck!
They were dead before!
Come on.
We gotta get moving.
Let's... let's go!
Quick
Question do you mind if I just tag along?
Are you... are you kidding?
Well, it just occurs to me that the guy
that gets left behind is usually the next one to bite it.
I mean, at least that's the Arborist's MO.
Huh, you have seen the movies.
I read the scripts...
once.
Everyone deserves a chance at redemption.
Come on.
Billy!
I'm going to need you to fix that zombie transmitter.
While you're at it, add a few extra dead.
God knows we have the corpses.
Sir, may I remind you your partner
didn't authorize any repairs after the first death?
Yes, but he's not here right now.
And I am.
And I'm trying to make a movie!
Huh?
Cultists!
Go wide!
Go wide on the cultists!
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
Now smash cut to the yeti.
Oh, good.
You see how you juxtapose the two, and you tell a story?
Oh, my God!
He is eating her face!
Oh!
Oh, my God!
That is deliciously disgusting.
Oh!
How do you do all this?
Like how do you get all these participants?
Oh, it took a lot of work...
years of it.
I found some scary people.
And the homicidal maniacs?
You take a clinically damaged mind, you force him to watch
one movie continuously.
Eventually, the movie mythos becomes the man's mythos.
Eventually, the movie world becomes the man's world.
You tell him he's Leatherface, he's Leatherface.
The clowns I found on Craigslist.
Uh, hey, sorry about your boyfriend.
He wasn't my boyfriend...
not really.
Next time a director's casting couch is a futon,
I'm walking the other way.
Futon?
Kind of reminds me of April Showers from Arbor Day 4.
10 years ago, there was the Arbor Day massacre, right?
And Hodderton High has still not recovered.
So spring break at Hodderton High, right?
School is closed, but the botany class stays behind
for some extracurricular fun.
God, this is some of the best kills of the series, man.
I mean, that one where you drown that guy in a tub of sap.
Fuck!
I mean, shit!
That was horrifying!
So slow.
So sticky.
That was my idea.
What?
Oh, yeah.
The director, he wanted to move on.
He wanted to just smash some skulls, keep going... faster.
I said, no, no, no, let's slow this down, OK?
Because the arborist would take his time, like a tree.
I knew it.
Knew what?
I knew that you knew more about the films
than you were letting on. Come on, dude!
Just do the catchphrase for me once!
Please! Just once!
Come on! I hate Arbor Day.
You don't! How can you hate it?
I mean, you go to these conventions all the time.
You did six films for fuck's sake!
I am an actor, OK?
- I'm a serious actor. - You guys?
Arbor Day was my first fucking movie.
Somebody said me, "Hey, Roger.
You want to wear a mask?"
I said, "A mask?
Are you kidding?
I want to see my face!
I want to see my God damn face on that big screen!"
If I had hidden my face, I would've been able to move on.
But, no.
No, this is the face of tree horror.
Guys!
I... I... I think someone's watching us!
Fuck me.
Ah!
Oh, my God!
Go!
Oh, my God!
Ah!
Did you see that guy?
Oh, my God!
You played that guy?
Why is he so much bigger than you?
I lost a lot of weight, all right?
Plus, I have a thyroid issue.
I used to just eat a lot.
Wait, did you guys see where Krill went?
He... he got away.
He went the other direction.
We should get in. Come on.
It's Hodderton High.
You killed like 12 people here in the original film.
I didn't kill anybody!
OK, let's just get inside!
Hey, that's... that's not such a good idea.
We don't have a choice, Dax!
Did you watch the movie?
Hello!
Wait, there's someone inside!
Come on! Come on!
Thank you.
Thank you!
Oh, thank you!
Wait, I know you.
You're Zachary Levi.
The karaoke guy?
Listen, I think we're going to safe, all right?
The windows are all secured.
The door is locked.
Flynn Ryder!
You're Flynn fucking Ryder!
You've never seen a single film,
but you've seen "Tangled."
Maybe.
Are you... are you alone?
I was...
I was... I was with my friends, some of my closest friends.
We stuck together when things got nutty.
We made it through the woods.
And then we were attacked by these
crazed cannibal hillbillies.
They tracked us down. They hunted us.
They were killing and eating my friends...
I think about Flynn Ryder a lot.
I mean... a lot.
It was the saddest, most terrifying
thing I've ever witnessed.
Like, I couldn't believe...
When Flynn smolders at Rapunzel, I felt...
I don't know... humid.
There's this one gi... there was a girl that I loved...
actually, she was the love of my life...
and I didn't have a chance to tell her, because we were
trying to run to the school.
Right before we got in the door, they grabbed her.
And they started to tear her apart.
- My hair is magical. - It was...
Well, sometimes magical.
OK, let's focus.
I'm so sorry about your friends.
Is this place safe?
Like I said, the windows were all sealed,
and I've locked all the doors.
Without this key right here, there's no way in.
Or out.
Well, of course, but we wouldn't want to go out...
Flynn Ryder!
The classroom.
Go, go, go, go go!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me.
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed.
Yo! What up, dude?
- Welcome to the party, bro! - What's up, dude?
Don't you know what's going on?
People are dying!
It's Blood Fest, dude!
Fucking Blood Fest, bro.
No, I mean actually getting killed.
Walsh made everything real... the monsters, everything.
Oh, really?
He's created werewolves, ghosts, vampires.
Oh, yeah.
It sounds like somebody dipped into the K-2 a little early.
Dork.
If we don't get that key, we're not going out of here.
I am not going to be murdered by the Arborist!
That is just too fucking ironic!
Every... every answer is in the origin story, right?
Jason's drowning, Freddy's burning.
I got it.
Tommy Wakes.
- Tommy who? - Tommy.
You! The Arborist.
Oh, sure. Good.
Guys...
So your dad was the school arborist,
and you watched as some teenagers accidentally
killed your father and then used a wood
chipper to bury the body.
Jesus.
Yeah, you grew up alone in the woods, raised by the trees.
Is... is that in the movie?
It's implied.
What about that scar?
What about that alien mark that shows that I'm their spawn?
No, no, no, no.
That's part five, mistake.
In part six, they pretend it never happened, right?
Faster.
OK, uh, all right.
You are solely killing to avenge your father's death.
I'm not lying.
It... it... it's true.
Walsh somehow made monsters real.
I don't know how to explain this.
Well, I suppose vampires would be simple enough.
There's a way out...
a back gate.
If I could just get to the others, we'll be...
You would just lure girls from Eastern
Europe with promises of visas and high-paying American jobs.
Uh, yeah, I mean, America's great for that.
And then you would surgically sharpen their teeth.
And you would chemically stimulate glands,
so they produce abnormal amounts of pheromones,
making them sexually irresistible.
Wow.
You are really pretty.
And then finally, you would infect them with a chronic case
of porphyria.
Wh... what is that?
It's a rare disease resulting in insomnia,
heightened sensitivity to light, and an unquenchable thirst
for blood.
Is that a real thing?
Look it up.
Oh.
I... I'm sorry.
I... I'm not going to stay.
You're such a neat girl.
I really would love to stay here and maybe have sex with you.
I really would.
I just...
You've never be with a woman.
Not in person, no.
Look, my friends are out there, and they might need me.
Oh!
Such loyalty!
Such innocence.
You could come with us.
I mean, maybe... there's a way out.
- No, get away. - No, don't.
- Please... - No!
Go!
OK.
Go!
I'm sorry.
I suck with girls.
So here's what you're gonna do.
You are going to distract him by pretending to be his dad.
- Whose dad? - Your dad.
My dad.
Yeah, his dad.
He's, uh, he's a... he's a complicated character, right?
A tragic soul, a ghostly patriarch reaching out
to his troubled son.
It's Hamlet's father.
It's the role you were born to play.
Son.
I am so... so proud of you.
You have avenged me, honored me.
You have ripped up all the diseased roots.
You've thrashed all the weeds.
You've cleared the garden of all the fickle growth
so that a true tree may thrive!
That tree is you.
He's amazing.
My son, you may rest now.
Your work is done.
Give me the trimmer.
That's it.
Well done, Timmy.
Tommy.
Hey, tree hugger!
Oh!
Got it!
It's sticky. Take it.
- Oh, shit. - Dax!
- Go, go, go!
Run!
Come on! Come on!
I'm going as fast as I can.
Holy... Holy shit!
Hey, look, I'm sorry, but I killed your ass!
Woo!
That's what I'm talking about!
Woo!
The virgin took him out!
You're the best!
Oh, hi.
Hey.
Are you OK?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Hey, this goes down.
So?
It could be a tunnel system for maintenance
for the grounds.
Do you think it's safer down there?
Would you rather be in Blood Fest or below it?
It's locked.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I can unlock this.
You have a lock-picking kit?
You don't?
Of course.
That was some amazing directing back there.
Where did you get those skills?
I've seen a lot of movies.
And my mom, she loved them, and especially
the black and white ones.
You know, Universal, Val Lewton.
We used to watch them all night.
Huh.
Well, that is some A-plus parenting right there.
I mean...
She was murdered.
What?
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
Jesus.
It's fine.
You know, for a while, I was so afraid.
Everything scared me... everything except movies.
Now, movies I knew that the blood
was fake, that the daggers were made of rubber.
It was kind of like I could play with fear, you know?
I could sit in the dark for an hour or two.
I could scream, I could jump, I could
laugh and know that everything was going to be OK.
I don't know.
There's something honest about those movies.
Honest?
Those films are ridiculous!
In "Arbor Day," "Friday the 13th,"
"Halloween," it doesn't matter where you run
or where you hide, death is always going to get you.
And even if you do survive, you'll just die in the sequel.
So death is inevitable?
That's the takeaway?
I don't know.
Gotta live while you can, I guess.
Make the most of what little screen time you got?
Is that what you do?
Live life to the fullest?
Not even close.
Who knew Arbor Day was so life affirming!
Got it.
Uh, you first, Dax.
Hello?
Now this is pleasant.
Looks like the matinee crowd.
Where the hell are we?
Thought I'd be safer down here.
Not safer, unsafer!
We gotta turn back, Dax!
No, we keep going.
Tortureville leads to Clown Town.
Clowns! Clowns!
And past Clown Town is the service
gate Ashley came through.
We're close.
We're dead.
Just don't touch anything.
OK?
I owe you an apology.
If I hadn't hounded you, you'd be at home
right now, safe on your couch.
Sam, is it weren't for you, I'd
always be at home on my couch.
And I'd rather be right here...
with you.
Help!
Guys, guys, don't...
we shouldn't go that way.
It could be a trap.
Somebody!
Help!
I've seen too many people died tonight.
No more.
Sam...
- Hey, let's... - Hey, Sam!
Let's not...
Please! Help!
Somebody!
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
When it strikes 12, the game is through.
These chains will rip up a man in two.
Please, you got to get me out of here.
But you... you worked her.
You... you're a part of this.
I sell fucking hot dogs, scan bands.
I wasn't even paid!
I did it for a wristband.
Please, help me.
Wh... what do I do?
Over there against the wall.
There's a button in the box.
OK. I got it.
You gotta hit them at the same time.
Please hurry!
Ah!
Sorry.
What?
Sam?
Who the fuck is Mr. Leadfeet?
Come on.
In here.
Hey!
Hey, mother fucker!
Sam, what's going on?
Dax!
Uh!
So much blood.
Ah!
- Ah! - What's happening?
I traded places with him.
It was dumb.
It was... it was so stupid.
What?
Oh, shit!
It won't budge!
We're fucking stuck.
We're stuck, Ash.
We're... Ashley?
We're never getting out of here.
We are. We are!
We just gotta get to the other warehouse.
And I'll use the card to hack it.
And we'll be free, I promise.
Lenjamin had it.
Oh, crap.
Um, OK.
We'll find another way out of here.
I'm gonna to die.
And I can't die like this, covered in dirt and filth
and Zachary Levi's blood on me!
You could always take a shower.
You're right.
No, no, no, no, that's actually not a good idea.
That's just what I need.
No, no, I was kidding.
Ashley, please.
Think about the rules.
I'm sick of the rules, Krill.
I'm sick of people telling me what to do.
No, no!
Oh, my God.
Uh, hot water.
Thank God.
Uh!
That feels so good!
Oh, oh.
I thought you were just washing your face.
You know, all my life, I've acted the way other people
wanted me to act, dressed the way
other people wanted me to dress, wasted time
with dicks like Lenjamin Cain.
I'm gonna start doing what I want to do.
Be with guys that I want to be with.
Good guys.
Hey, Krill?
Yeah.
Do you think I'm shallow?
Shallow?
I'm just here because I want to be famous.
How fucking shallow is that?
Well, I just came here to get laid, so...
and hear... and hear you speak at your panel.
I... I like hearing you talk.
I'd watch you on anything...
A Tommy Wiseau movie, a driver's ed video.
I'd watch you in a commercial for granola,
and I hate granola.
Hey, Krill.
Yeah?
Maybe we could still make one of our dreams come true?
Stop!
OK, OK, OK, OK.
We, uh, we... we gotta call help, right?
Maybe we should trick somebody else.
No, no, no, no, I won't do that!
You can't cheat time.
That just won't do.
But time will always cheat on you.
Sorry!
Oh, God. Sam, what do I do?
- What do I do? - Dax, I don't know!
OK? I don't know!
This is going to hurt!
- This is going to hurt! - Dax!
Dax! Dax!
OK?
Hey, you've got to get them out of here.
Find that back gate.
Get the...
Hey, hey, hey!
Listen to me.
I'm right here.
What can I do?
I'm scared.
It's OK.
Oh.
No, no, no, no, no, no...
Stop.
You were right.
Everybody gets a shot at redemption.
You know, I think they're going to need another poor bastard
to play Timmy Wakes.
Tommy.
About to get pruned, punk.
He said it.
The glorification of violence, the over-sexualized crowds,
the rampant exploration of humanity's darkest sides...
this is what horror gives us.
Horror begets horror, especially in the...
especially in the young.
Are you all right, Dr. Conway?
Sorry, yeah.
Just my son was supposed to join us.
I... I'm fine.
Doctor, perhaps you are exaggerating the issue?
Blood Fest is a...
Blood Fest is a deadly tragedy waiting to happen.
I wouldn't let my children...
I wouldn't let... excuse me just for a minute.
We're actually broadcasting live.
So... Dr. Conway?
Krill?
Ashley?
Have you tried...
Oh.
You are amazing.
Ashley!
- Where have you guys been? - We were stuck in the bathroom.
We weren't doing anything.
Hinckley is dead.
Oh, God!
Yeah, we got to move now.
We got to get to this warehouse.
About that?
Lenjamin, he had the key card.
And you're only telling us now.
I just thought another solution would pop up.
Don't get mad at her!
I'm sure as hell getting mad at her!
Dad was right!
All these monsters, these nightmares...
and we paid for it.
We enjoy it.
And now it's going to kill us.
Speaking of.
Come on!
Go!
Which way?
Come on! Go, go, go!
Come on!
Run!
- Hurry up! - Go, go, go, go, go!
Right here!
- Come on! - Come on!
Come on! Block the door!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
These barrels are rigged to blow!
These were all over the grounds.
Up the ladder! Go!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You don't go upstairs in a fucking scary movie!
You do when you're in a dungeon.
- Now just go! - Come on!
Go, Krill! You've got this!
Oh.
It smells like cotton candy and death in here.
They get into the skull just fine,
but they get stuck in there.
All the gears get gummed up.
OK, keep working on it.
Yes, sir.
Mac, talk to me!
Almost done cutting the first half.
Little faster!
Kill your darlings!
Sir!
The containment system just failed.
We have principals leaving their zones all over the grounds.
Life finds a way.
I'm on it.
Well, wait, wait, wait.
I've always loved a genre mash.
Let's just see what happens!
Not good.
Krill, calm down.
There's no one even in here.
We're OK.
This is not good.
It's not good.
Ah!
Oh, my God!
What do we do?
What are the rules?
There's no rules with clowns!
They'll cut your throat, make a balloon animal,
and shit in your mouth.
They don't care!
I fucking hate them!
Oh, my God.
Ah!
We are so fucked.
Oh, dude!
Do you hear something?
Zombies!
Oh, my God!
Let's move!
The scissor clown super clown!
Back off!
This one's mine!
Lenjamin?
Ashley! No!
Ash...
- What is she doing? - Got it!
No, no, no!
Ashley!
No!
We gotta...
We gotta go.
I'm sorry.
Hey, boy!
How's it going in there?
Aw, dude!
This clown level is fucking dope!
I noticed that you were...
...killing all my clowns, which I'm kind of pisses me off.
I think it's time we unplugged.
Amy?
Thanks for playing, cockbites.
Oh, what a fucking chaod!
I think I see it.
The yellow warehouse... just like she said.
We made it.
Let's get inside, hack the door,
and get the hell out of here!
Hey!
You got out of there.
That's... that's great!
Son of a bitch!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Can we save kicking my ass until we get out of here?
I know where the door is.
Huh?
I... I can't get it open.
You need a key card or something.
- On it. - Oh, God.
You have a key card, yes!
Enter security code.
Hold on.
Can you do it, Krill?
Yeah.
I can hack it.
I ju... I... I just need a second.
Come on.
Hey.
Check it out.
Don't jinx it, please.
Krill?
Yeah, I'm almost there.
Just wait.
Krill!
I got it.
Just... just one more second!
Krill!
What?
Hey.
It's cool. It's cool.
I know her.
What?
Hey.
You made it.
I try to stay away, but I couldn't.
Uh, my sweet little virgin.
Actually, I... never mind.
You have a little something...
You... you... you got it.
Run! Run!
Ah!
No!
Krill!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, fuck.
It didn't have to be a wooden stake.
Seemed to do the trick, bitch.
Ah!
Is going to be OK, all right?
Don't... don't... don't say that.
Th... that usually means I'm dead.
Oh, come on, man.
Come on, Krill.
We need you!
Come on, man.
You'll be OK.
The virgin always survives, right?
Then... then I guess I'm a dead man.
Access granted.
It's open.
It's open!
Oh, shit!
Dad?
Dax.
How did you...
- Everybody's dying in here! - It's OK.
It's going to be all right.
Don't worry.
Yes!
You got a gun!
Dad, you' were right.
You were right about everything.
Sam! Stop!
Shoot him!
Unload the fucking clip!
You'll hit her.
I will never do anything that would hurt you, OK?
Do it.
Do it!
What?
- Dad... - It's OK, Dax.
You can look. You're old enough.
OK.
Jayme.
This is going to take some time to process, Dax.
But I told you...
I told all of you...
these films, they're dangerous.
They're savage.
But you wouldn't listen.
None of you would listen!
Well, you'll listen now.
They'll never make another horror
film again... not after tonight.
You did this because you hate horror movies?
Horror killed my wife!
Horror killed your mother.
So tonight, I kill horror.
I'm going up to the tower.
This spectacle has gone on long enough.
Take care of him.
Jayme, let her go.
You should've known, Dax.
Dad's been planning this for years.
I've been helping.
But the masks, th... th... the killing!
Dad's idea.
Kind of an experiment... you know,
become the thing you fear, and you won't feel afraid.
And I don't.
Truth is I don't feel much of anything.
So are you going to kill us too, or w...
No.
Maybe her.
I'm kidding!
But seriously, you should go.
Everyone else here is going to die.
The door's unlocked.
You should go.
I'm going to help Dad in the tower.
Jayme, w...
I know this is all...
I don't know... ultraviolent.
But I did warn you Blood Fest was gonna suck.
Let's go.
Thank God it's Friday.
TGIF.
So...
Maybe we could go grab queso or something.
You love queso?
I love queso...
all the dips.
All the dips?
Double-dip, triple-dip...
You can handle all that?
I can handle...
oh, oh!
What just happened?
Oh, no, no, no, no!
No fucking way!
Oh, that was close.
Hey!
Open the fucking gate!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Fuck!
I'm sorry.
This is all because of my dad.
OK, let's think, huh?
How do horror movies end?
There's got to be an answer.
It doesn't matter.
Some monster is going to come out of the shadows
and kill us, rip us apart.
We might as well just sit here and wait for it.
OK.
You know, my mom...
she always used to say that I'm...
I'm stronger than anything I'm afraid of.
It's bullshit.
We're going to die here.
Fuck you.
What?
Fuck you and your dead mom.
Whoa.
We've gone up against clowns and zombies,
vampires, arborists, and you're still afraid of Daddy?
Check it out, Dax.
This is life... right now.
And you can sit there watching, or you
can get up and do something.
Hey, hey, hey, where are you going?
There's one thing these movies have taught me...
that you've taught me.
It's that you can't run away from death.
So I won't.
I'm going to run right at it.
You want to stop Blood Fest?
You stop whatever's happening in that tower.
Sam... there are three ways a horror movie ends.
One, a single hero survives...
"Halloween," "Chainsaw," "Get Out."
Two, no one survives...
"The Thing," "Sinister," "Night of the Living Dead."
What's the third?
I don't know.
Let's go find out.
Fuck yeah.
It's a real shit show out there, Walsh.
Uh-oh. Doc!
What are you doing here?
You're the silent partner, remember?
Your goddamn festival nearly killed my son.
Your son?
He's misguided.
Loves all this repugnant ghoulishness.
Hmm.
Must run in the family.
- I beg your pardon? - Doc!
Will you relax?
Go home!
This will all be over by morning.
What's the mortality rate?
I don't know.
There's maybe 100 people left alive.
237.
Thanks, Amy!
Did not need that.
That's too many.
That is too many.
I need to get my family and finish this.
I'm pulling the plug.
- I'm blowing it up. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Doc, Doc!
Our plan... it's rigged to blow in the morning.
Come on!
I give you the fans!
I give you the filmmakers!
And you give me till dawn to make my movie!
And explosion is simple. It's easy.
It was part of the original plan before you
talk me into this ridiculous exhibition.
Doc, where's the fun in it?
Where's the tension?
Look around!
We've made nightmares.
We've made monsters!
I've seen adults on these screens shit themselves.
You...
My son has been here all night!
Dax is fine!
I sent him home.
See?
He's perfectly safe!
Should've worn seatbelts.
A little late for that.
Safety first.
Start the truck.
Start the truck, Dax!
I'm trying!
Seatbelts.
Forgive me, Father, because I'm about to fuck this nun up!
Let's do something with a little pizazz...
something a little extraordinary.
Let me do the pulse.
- Walsh... - Come on!
You know you want to see it!
Look, look, look.
We'll do the pulse.
And then... then we'll blow it all up.
No survivors.
Uh, when you say, "no survivors,"
could you be a little bit more specific?
You just keep editing and... and... and save your work.
What do you say?
Have a little fun?
All right, well, activate the pulse.
What was the pulse again?
The pulse is something I developed at the asylum...
an accident, an attempt at a synoptic lobotomy.
It's a vibration that goes through the skin,
through the pulse, to the brain.
It was supposed to calm my patients.
It didn't... not at all.
It drove them mad.
Well, weren't they already mad?
It drove them more mad!
So filled with rage, they tore each other apart before they
turned on themselves.
You saved your last cut, right?
Yeah.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Could you go back over that part again?
How exactly would you activate a vibration through the pulse
of every surviving...
Get ready to be very angry.
Wait, wait, now wait a second here.
OK?
Let's not do anything that we might...
regret!
Nice.
Mother fucker.
I'm glad I don't have a wristband.
Amy, did you see...
You're right.
It's very entertaining.
We're close to the tower.
What's... what's wrong with them?
They're not... they're not monsters.
It's like they're possessed.
Sam!
Come on!
Tower breach.
Oh, I love it when they fight back!
Tower breach.
You're gonna be OK.
Hey!
Come on!
Dad?
Dad!
Just let them all kill themselves.
It's Dax.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You said I was made for Blood Fest.
It's not true.
I was made for you.
I think I love...
Thought that would work.
Sam, wa... wa... wa... wa... wait.
You did this!
Do you have one sliver of self-awareness?
You helped birth all of this!
Half the monsters are your patients!
And Doc, if you haven't looked in the mirror lately,
you're looking a little bloodthirsty yourself.
You're right.
I am a little bloodthirsty.
OK.
Dad!
Dax.
Dad, stop whatever it is you're doing.
You're killing her!
Don't worry, son.
It will all be over very soon.
We'll get out of here.
No one will know we're here.
He's filmed himself doing everything...
everything.
He'll take all the credit.
And then we'll walk out of here, blow the whole place up,
and we'll be a happy family.
Let's not blow it up quite yet.
I still need my ending... something big!
Something I didn't expect coming!
How's this?
See?
There's no need for re-animated corpses
or blood-sucking clowns!
All you need is a gun...
just one God damn gun!
Dad!
Stop right there.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm gonna stay here and save my friend and my sister.
And if I get out of this place alive,
I'm telling the whole world what you really are.
Every time I look in your eyes, all I see is fear.
Well, there won't be anything to be afraid of anymore, Dax.
The only thing I was ever afraid of was you!
Stop right there, Dax.
Right now.
No.
Mom was right.
I'm stronger than anything I'm afraid of...
including you.
Ah!
I can't let you die...
unless I die with you.
Dad...
Yes.
I'm going to end this God damn farce.
It's for the best.
Honestly.
Dad... Dad, no.
Here we go.
It's OK.
Let's figure this out!
Sam!
Hey, Dax?
Try the wristband.
You're covered in black vomit.
I don't mind.
It's yours.
A "thank you" would be appreciated.
You know, Sis, you, uh, you killed a number of people
tonight.
Yeah.
Phew!
I mean, murder.
Horrible.
Lesson learned.
I think maybe they're going to send you somewhere.
Uh-huh.
Maybe get some good psychiatric help.
Jesus Christ, Sis!
Happy Halloween, big brother!
So is this the third way a horror movie ends?
Classic.
You think anyone survived?
Maybe there's a chance.
Never mind.
No.
Fucking Blood Fest.
Subtitles by explosiveskull