Kingsman.The.Secret.Service.2014.UNCUT.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG <-- Open play menu, choose Captions and Subtiles, On if available --> <-- Open tools menu, Security, Show local captions when present -->

Sync & corrections by Blue-Bird™

Srt2smi by Blue-Bird™

 

This is Zero One Alpha.
We have secured Falcon.

 

I say again, we have secured Falcon.

 

By the time I count to ten...

 

...you will have told me
exactly what I need to know.

 

If not...

 

...the number ten will be the
last thing you will ever hear.

 

One

 

Two

 

Three

 

Four

 

Five

 

Six

 

Seven

 

Eight

 

Grenade! Sir, get back!

 

Shit.

 

Fucking missed it.

 

How did I fucking miss it?

 

Merlin, I apologize for putting
you in this position.

 

You trained him well.

 

James...

 

training is over.

 

Welcome to Kingsman.

 

Lancelot.

 

Sir.

 

I'll deal with this mess personally.

 

I very much regret that your husband's
bravery can't be publicly celebrated.

 

I hope you understand.

 

How can I understand?

 

You won't tell me anything.

 

I didn't even know
he wasn't with his squad.

 

I'm so sorry, I can't say more.

 

But I would like to present you
with this Medal of Valor...

 

and if you look closely on the back,
there's a number.

 

And as a more concrete gesture
of our gratitude...

 

we'd like to offer you...

 

Let's call it a favor.

 

The nature of it is your choice.

 

Just tell the operator...

 

"oxfords not brogues,"
and then I'll know it's you.

 

I don't want your help!

 

I want my husband back!

 

What's your name, young man?

 

Eggs)'-

 

Hello, Eggs)!-

 

Can I see that?

 

You take care of this, Eggsy.

 

All right?

 

And take care of your mum, too.

 

So sorry, Professor Arnold.
Just a tiny bit more.

 

For God's sakes, just rip it off.

 

I'm under very strict instructions
not to hurt you.

 

Look, you've made a mistake.

 

I'm a university lecturer.
I've got no money.

 

This isn't about money.

 

Our boss just wants to talk to you.

 

Am I meant to find that reassuring?

 

He'll be here soon. He'll explain.

 

Do you like whiskey?

 

Red, get the '62 Dalmore.

 

Honestly, this whiskey, it's amazing.

 

You will shit.

 

I suppose asking to borrow
a cup of sugar is a step too far?

 

Professor Arnold,
I'm here to take you home.

 

1962 Dalmore.

 

It'd be a sin to spill any.

 

Don't you think?

 

Can you hold these? Please?

 

Thank you.

 

Everything is clean.

 

My kind of welcome.

 

No stomach for violence.

 

I mean, literally,
I see one drop of blood...

 

that is me done.

 

I'm like...

 

projectile.

 

Listen, I'm so sorry...

 

you had to witness all this unpleasantness
due to our uninvited guest.

 

But I promise you, by the time
I've found out who he works for...

 

you and I will be the best of friends.

 

To the shop, please.

 

Arthur's in the dining room, sir.

 

Arthur.

 

Galahad.

 

The others were beginning to wonder
if we were going to have a double toast.

 

Gentlemen, I'm thankful to
say it's been 17 years...

 

since we last had occasion
to use this decanter.

 

Lancelot was an outstanding agent,
and a true Kingsman.

 

He will be sorely missed.

 

To Lancelot.

 

To Lancelot.

 

I intend to start the selection process
for Lancelot's replacement tomorrow.

 

I want each of you
to propose a candidate...

 

and have them report to UK HQ...

 

no later than 9 p.m. GMT.

 

Thank you.

 

Merlin.

 

Come in.

 

Lancelot was investigating
a group of mercenaries...

 

who were experimenting
with biological weaponry.

 

Glasses, gentlemen, please.

 

Uganda,2012.

 

Synthetic cathinones.

 

They put it in the water supply
of a guerrilla army base.

 

Rage, cannibalism, multiple fatalities.

 

Chechnya, 2013.

 

Insurgents turned on one another.

 

Indisputably, the work of our mercenaries,
but no trace of any chemicals of any kind.

 

So what happened to Lancelot?

 

He tracked them to this property
in Argentina.

 

While he had them under surveillance...

 

he became aware
they'd effected a kidnapping.

 

So he executed a solo rescue mission,
which failed.

 

This is his last transmission.

 

-Who is he?
-Some climate change doomsayer.

 

Expounds something
called "Gaia theory"...

 

about the world healing itself,
or some such.

 

But what's curious,
is he's not actually missing.

 

This is Professor Arnold...

 

at Imperial College this morning.

 

It's all yours.

 

And don't forget
your membership proposal.

 

Try picking a more suitable
candidate this time.

 

17 years and still...

 

evolving with the times remains
an entirely foreign concept to you.

 

Need I remind you, I wouldn't be here
if it weren't for that young man?

 

He was as much Kingsman
material as any of them.

 

More so.

 

But he wasn't exactly one of us, was he?

 

Let's face it, Galahad,
your little experiment failed.

 

With respect, Arthur, you're a snob.

 

"With respect"?

 

The world is changing.

 

There's a reason why aristocrats
developed weak chins.

 

Eggsy?

 

Eggsy, come here.

 

-Got any Rizla, babe?
-No.

 

Why don't you do your mum a favor,
go down to the shop and get some?

 

-Get them yourself.
-Oi.

 

What have I said to you
about speaking to Dean like that?

 

Three's a crowd, innit?
Why don't Dean's poodle go?

 

I'll tell you what.

 

Why don't you take this,
go and get some Rizlas...

 

get yourself some sweets?
And while you're gone...

 

we'll show your mother
how three can be good company.

 

Thanks, babe.

 

There we go.

 

Is that better?

 

If Dean treats your mum so bad,
why doesn't she leave him?

 

Low self-esteem. That's her problem.

 

Fuck off.
Why would she have low self-esteem?

 

Eggsy's mum is well fit.

 

-No offense, bruv.
-It's all right.

 

One of these days,
I'm gonna smash his face in.

 

Are you mental, cuz?

 

He'd just get that lot to do you,
and then pretend he knew nothing--

 

...about it.

 

You think you can chat shit about us
and we won't do nothing...

 

just because our guvnor's
banging Eggsy's mum?

 

Pretty much, yeah.

 

Bruv, just leave it. Let's just go, man.

 

It's not worth it.

 

You boys have outstayed your welcome.

 

Leave.

 

What?

 

I'm sorry about that, bruv.

 

Yeah.

 

Mug.

 

They weren't fucking worth it, boys.

 

It's freezing. Why are we walking?

 

You jacked his fucking car keys, bruv?

 

Yeah. Now, we're gonna nick his car.

 

Shit!

 

Hold on, boys.

 

Hey, that's my fucking car!

 

Hey! Hey! Eggsy!

 

I swear, you want to fucking stop it!

 

You're a fucking dead man! Stop it!

 

I'm gonna fucking have ya!

 

Floor it, Eggsy!

 

Floor it!

 

Wanker!

 

Yeah, Dean. Look, it's me.

 

Eggsy just stole my fucking car.

 

I've come out the pub,
he's done 15 donuts in my fucking face...

 

and he's drove off.

 

No, I can't have it!
He's disrespecting me.

 

And that means,
he's disrespecting you.

 

Hold up! What the...?

 

Dickhead.

 

Foxes are vermin, cuz.

 

Should've driven it over.

 

Should've done a lot of things.

 

I'll sort this. Get out of the car.

 

I said, get out of the fucking car!

 

Eggsy, there is no such thing
as honor amongst thieves.

 

Now, you can start giving me some names
of the boys you were with...

 

or you go down.

 

It's up to you.

 

I want to exercise
my right to a phone call.

 

Well, I hope it's to your mum...

 

to tell her you're gonna be
18 months late for your dinner.

 

Customer Complaints, how may I help you?

 

My name's Eggsy Unwin.

 

Sorry, Gary Unwin.
And I'm up shit creek.

 

I'm in Holborn police station...

 

and my mum said to call this number
if ever I needed help.

 

I'm sorry, sir. Wrong number.

 

Wait! Wait!

 

Oxfords not brogues.

 

Your complaint has been duly noted...

 

and we hope that we have
not lost you as a loyal customer.

 

Yeah.

 

You what?

 

Yeah.

 

Yes, I totally understand.

 

Eggs)'-

 

Would you like a lift home?

 

Who are you?

 

The man who got you released.

 

That ain't an answer.

 

A little gratitude would be nice.

 

My name is Harry Hart,
and I gave you that medal.

 

Your father saved my life.

 

So before you was a tailor,
was you in the army?

 

Like an officer.

 

Not quite.

 

So where was you posted,
Iraq or something?

 

Sorry, Eggsy. Classified.

 

But my dad saved your life, yeah?

 

The day your father died,
I missed something.

 

And if it weren't for his courage...

 

my mistake would have cost the lives
of every man present.

 

So I owe him.

 

Your father was a brave man.

 

A good man.

 

And having read your files...

 

I think he'd be bitterly disappointed
in the choices you've made.

 

You can't talk to me like that.

 

Huge l.Q.

 

Great performance at primary school.

 

And it all went tits up.

 

Drugs, petty crime. Never had a job.

 

You think there's a lot of jobs
going around here, do you?

 

Doesn't explain
why you gave up your hobbies.

 

First prize,
regional Under-10s gymnastics...

 

two years in a row.

 

Your coach had you pegged
as Olympic team material.

 

Yeah, well, when you grow up around
someone like my stepdad...

 

you pick up new hobbies pretty quick.

 

Of course. Always someone else's fault.

 

Who's to blame
for you quitting the Marines?

 

You were halfway through training,
doing brilliantly, but you gave up.

 

Because my mum went mental.

 

Banging on about losing me
as well as my dad.

 

Didn't want me being cannon fodder
for snobs like you.

 

Judging people like me
from your ivory towers...

 

with no thought about
why we do what we do.

 

We ain't got much choice. You get me?

 

And if we was born with the same
silver spoon up our arses...

 

we'd do just as well as you.
If not, better.

 

What the fuck you doing here?
You taking the piss?

 

Some more examples of young men...

 

who simply need a silver suppository?

 

No, they're exceptions. Come on.

 

Nonsense.
We haven't finished our drinks.

 

After you nicked his car...

 

Dean says you're fair game.

 

He don't give a shit what your mum says.

 

Listen, boys...

 

I've had a rather emotional day...

 

so whatever your beef with Eggsy is,
and I'm sure it's well-founded...

 

I'd appreciate it enormously...

 

if you could just leave us in peace...

 

until I finish
this lovely pint of Guinness.

 

You should get out of the way, Granddad,
or you'll get hurt and all.

 

He ain't joking. You should go.

 

Excuse me.

 

If you're looking for another rent boy,
they're on the corner of Smith street.

 

Manners...

 

maketh...

 

man.

 

Do you know what that means?

 

Then let me teach you a lesson.

 

Are we going to stand around here all day,
or are we going to fight?

 

You fucking dirty, fucking dirty--

 

Sorry about that.

 

Needed to let off a little steam.

 

I heard yesterday a friend of mine died.

 

He knew your father too, actually.

 

Now, I do apologize, Eggsy.

 

I shouldn't have done this
in front of you.

 

No, please!
I won't say nothing, I swear!

 

If there's one thing I can do,
it's keep my mouth shut.

 

-You won't tell a soul?
-Ask the feds.

 

I've never grassed anyone up.

 

-Is that a promise?
-On my life!

 

Much appreciated, Eggsy.

 

You're right about the snobs.

 

But there, too, there are exceptions.

 

Best of luck with everything.

 

In celebrity news, the Richmond Valentine
movie premiered in Hollywood last night.

 

The story of the Internet billionaire's
rise to power...

 

is expected to be
this award season's hot ticket.

 

One notable absence from the red carpet
was Iggy Azalea...

 

still missing three days after she failed
to appear at her Oakland concert.

 

No ransom has been demanded.

 

Eggsy, just go, please,
because he's gonna...

 

No, please, don't hurt him!

 

Fuck off! Get the fuck away with ya!

 

Shut the fuck up!

 

Who was with you in that fucking pub?

 

I want to know the name of the geezer
you was with.

 

-I wasn't with no one!
-Who was it?

 

-I don't know what you're on about.
-Who was it?

 

I don't know
who you're fucking on about!

 

Fucking tell me his name!

 

I don't know
who you're fucking on about!

 

You listen to me!

 

I want to know who you was with in that pub.
Do you understand?

 

I want to know his fucking name!

 

Because, I swear,
I'll rip your head off.

 

-Tell me!
-I don't know what you're fucking on about!

 

Just tell him, Eggsy!

 

Fuck off! Fuck off, Michelle!

 

I could kill you right now...

 

and no one in the whole world
will notice!

 

But I would.

 

I have enough evidence
on your activities...

 

to have you looked up
for the rest of your life...

 

-Mr. Dean Anthony Baker.
-What the fuck?

 

So I suggest you leave the boy alone...

 

or I shall be forced to deliver it
to the appropriate authorities.

 

Eggsy, meet me at the tailor
I told you about.

 

What the fuck's going on here?

 

Eggsy, you fucking maggot!

 

Hey, we got a racer!

 

Come here. Hey!

 

Eggsy. you fucking--

 

Come here, son!

 

You wanker!

 

I'll have you, son!

 

I've never met a tailor before.

 

But I know you ain't one.

 

Come with me.

 

Come on in.

 

What do you see?

 

Someone who wants to know
what the fuck is going on.

 

I see a young man with potential.

 

A young man who is loyal.

 

Who can do as he's asked.

 

And who wants to do
something good with his life.

 

Did you see the film Trading Places?

 

No.

 

How about Nikita?

 

Pretty Woman ?

 

All right.

 

My point is, that the lack of a silver spoon
has set you on a certain path...

 

but you needn't stay on it.

 

If you're prepared to adapt and learn,
you can transform.

 

Like in My Fair Lady.

 

Well, you're full of surprises.

 

Yes, like My Fair Lady.

 

Only, in this case, I'm offering you
the opportunity to become a Kingsman.

 

A tailor?

 

A Kingsman agent.

 

Like a spy?

 

Of sorts.

 

Interested?

 

You think I've got anything to lose?

 

Since 1849...

 

Kingsman tailors have clothed
the world's most powerful individuals.

 

By 1919, a great number of them
had lost their heirs to World War One.

 

That meant a lot of money
going uninherited.

 

And a lot of powerful men with a desire
to preserve peace and protect life.

 

Our founders realized that they could
channel that wealth and influence...

 

for the greater good.

 

And so began our other venture.

 

An independent,
international intelligence agency...

 

operating at the highest level
of discretion.

 

Above the politics and bureaucracy...

 

that undermine the integrity
of government-run spy organizations.

 

The suit is a modern gentleman's armor.

 

And the Kingsman agents
are the new knights.

 

How deep does this fucking thing go?

 

Deep enough.

 

Shit, we're late.

 

Your father had the
same look on his face.

 

As did I.

 

Come on.

 

Galahad.

 

My code name.

 

Late again, sir.

 

Good luck.

 

In you go.

 

Fall in.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Merlin.

 

You are about to embark...

 

on what is probably the most
dangerous job interview in the world.

 

One of you, and only one of you,
will become the next Lancelot.

 

Can anybody tell me what this is?

 

-Yes?
-Body bag, sir.

 

Correct. Charlie, isn't it?

 

Yes, sir.

 

Good.

 

In a moment,
you will each collect a body bag.

 

You will write your name on that bag.

 

You will write the details
of your next of kin on that bag.

 

This represents your acknowledgment
of the risks that you are about to face...

 

as well as your agreement
to strict confidentiality.

 

Which, incidentally, if you break,
will result in you...

 

and your next of kin...

 

being in that bag.

 

Is that understood?

 

Excellent.

 

Fall out.

 

Roxanne. But call me Roxy.

 

-I'm Eggsy.
-"Eggy"?

 

No, "Eggsy."

 

Eggy?

 

Where did they dig you up?

 

You know we're not allowed
to discuss who proposed us.

 

No need to bite his head off.

 

Charlie's only making conversation,
right, Charlie?

 

I'm Digby.

 

Digby.

 

Eggy, this is Rufus.

 

Rufus, Egg)!-

 

So, Eggy, are you Oxford or Cambridge?

 

Neither.

 

-Saint Andrews?
-Durham?

 

No, wait, I think we may have met.

 

Did you serve me at the McDonald's
in Winchester service station?

 

No.

 

But if I had, I would have given you
an extra helping of secret sauce.

 

It's definitely Saint Andrews.

 

Just ignore them.

 

You need a pen?

 

Cheers.

 

Amelia, isn't it?

 

Amelia, Eggs)!-

 

Hi, Eggs)!-

 

Don't take any notice of those guys.

 

That's what I told him.

 

It's just scare tactics.

 

Classic army technique.

 

No one's gonna die.

 

Shame.

 

Great. You don't know,
the CIA don't know.

 

Nobody knows who this guy is?

 

Fine.

 

Seriously, it's fine.

 

Well, it's not really fine,
but it's not why I'm here.

 

Hell, man, you know me.
Money's not my issue.

 

I could've retired
straight out of MIT...

 

fucked off to some island,
let the business run itself.

 

Nobody told me
to try and save the planet.

 

I wanted to.

 

Climate change research,
lobbying, years of study, billions of dollars...

 

and you know why I quit?

 

Because the last time I checked,
the planet was still fucked.

 

Hence, my epiphany-

 

Money won't solve this.

 

Those idiots
who call themselves politicians...

 

have buried their heads in the sand
and stood for nothing but re-election.

 

So I spent the last two years
trying to find a real solution.

 

And I found it.

 

Now, if you really want to make
the world a better place...

 

I suggest you open your fucking ears,
because I'm about to tell it to you.

 

Go on, Mr. Valentine.

 

I'm still listening.

 

As long as you agree to all my terms.

 

All right, no one panic. Listen to me.

 

Stay calm.

 

Fuck.

 

Loo snorkels, loo snorkels!

 

Loo snorkels?

 

Showerheads!

 

Showerheads?

 

She's right. Fucking go!

 

Hey, hang about,
what's wrong with the fucking door?

 

Congratulations on completing
your first task.

 

Charlie, Roxy, well done.

 

For those of you
who are still confused...

 

if you can get a breathing tube
around a U-bend of a toilet...

 

you have an unlimited air supply.

 

Simple physics, worth remembering.

 

Eggsy, well done for spotting
that was a two-way mirror.

 

He's probably seen enough of them.

 

Yeah, you can all wipe those smirks
off your faces.

 

Because as far as I'm concerned,
every single one of you has failed.

 

You all forgot
the most important thing...

 

teamwork.

 

So much for classic army technique.

 

35.

 

105.

 

That's it. That's it.

 

Hello.

 

Can I help you?

 

Yes. I have a question
about anthropogenic force.

 

Really? It's actually quite fascinating.

 

My colleague died
trying to rescue you...

 

and I'm sure you saw
how well trained he was...

 

so I suggest you tell me who kidnapped
you and why they let you go.

 

I have no idea what you're talking--

 

I'm not supposed to say it, but it was-—

 

For God's sake, I've barely touched you.

 

Man up!

 

Fuck that guy, whoever he is.
I'm gonna--

 

He made me kill Professor Arnold.

 

I goddamn loved Professor Arnold.

 

Well, the good news is...

 

we know the emergency
and surveillance system work.

 

You know what's not good news?

 

"My colleague died!"

 

That's what he said!

 

This is an organization,
and they're all over us.

 

-Whoever you spoke to--
-I told you...

 

I made contact with the KGB, MI6,
Mossad and Beijing.

 

They all insist he wasn't one of theirs.

 

Beijing-

 

So freaky now there's no recognizable name
for the Chinese secret service.

 

Now, that's what you call
a secret, right?

 

You know what? Fuck it.

 

We need to speed things up.

 

Bring the product release forward.

 

We're only halfway into production...

 

and speeding it will cost a fortune.

 

Do I look like I give a fuck?

 

Just get it done.

 

As some of you will
have learned last night...

 

teamwork is paramount here at Kingsman.

 

We're here to enhance your skills,
test you to the limit.

 

Which is why you're gonna pick a puppy.

 

Wherever you go, your dog goes.

 

You will care for it. You will teach it.

 

And by the time it's fully trained,
so will you be.

 

Those of you who are still here,
that is.

 

Do you understand?

 

Choose your PUPPY-

 

A Doodle?

 

What?

 

They're gun dogs.

 

Oldest working breed.

 

Easy to train.

 

A pug?

 

It's a bulldog, innit?

 

It'll get bigger, though, won't it?

 

Shit.

 

His MRI shows no signs of concussion.

 

No direct brain trauma at all.

 

How much longer can he be out?

 

That's the million-dollar question.

 

We don't know
what he was exposed to in there.

 

What about Harry's footage?

 

It didn't stream to his home terminal.

 

Encrypted and uncrackable.

 

If and when he comes around...

 

you might want to have a word with him
about sharing his password.

 

Is he gonna be all right?

 

We need to have patience, Eggsy.

 

But there's hope, okay?

 

If I were you,
I'd concentrate on your training.

 

Make it through the tests.
Make him proud.

 

Come on, come on, come on!

 

J.B., come on! Come on!

 

I'm not coming last because of you.

 

J.B., I'll shoot you!
Goddamn you, I'll fucking shoot you!

 

Merlin said we're not
allowed to hold you.

 

Bollocks.

 

Water!

 

-Come on, then!
-Eggsy, forget it!

 

What's wrong, mate?
You can't take a joke?

 

Seriously, you'll get thrown out,
and it's just not worth it.

 

Maybe I don't give a fuck
if I get kicked out!

 

Do it. Come on, you pleb.

 

Charlie, fuck off!

 

Yeah, go on, walk away. Dickhead.

 

Come on, J.B.

 

Come on, good boy.

 

You have exactly one hour
to complete the test...

 

starting now.

 

New target, 800 meters.

 

You know, its unbelievable.
You're still here...

 

lingering like some
big, steaming shit that just won't flush.

 

Roger that. Target identified.

 

And how about you shut the fuck up?

 

Positive discrimination...

 

that's what it is.

 

It's like those fucking state school kids
who get into Oxford on C grades...

 

because their mum
is a one-legged lesbian.

 

You don't know fuck all about my grades.

 

Forgive me,
I'm sure you're highly educated.

 

Fire when ready.

 

How's that for positive discrimination?

 

I want to thank you both
for listening...

 

and I really, really appreciate
you travelling all this way...

 

Your Royal Highness.

 

And you, too, Prime Minister.

 

I think this is quite brilliant.

 

It's absolutely brilliant.

 

You are completely crazy.

 

And as for you, Prime Minister

 

I'm speechless you'd even consider this.

 

-Don't touch--
-Sorry, Your Royal Highness.

 

But you've got a big role to play...

 

in getting the Scandinavian
region back on track.

 

You're popular, inspirational...

 

and you have the power
to galvanize the people.

 

Now, whether you're on board or not...

 

I'm going to have to insist...

 

on getting you somewhere
I can ensure your safety.

 

How about you, Prime Minister?
You in or out?

 

Well, I think it's about time...

 

that a politician did something
that actually made a difference.

 

Too true.

 

What?

 

Take her away.

 

Drink?

 

Why not?

 

Guards! Help!

 

Don't worry.

 

No harm will come to the princess.

 

Well, I'm a republican anyways,
so it really doesn't matter.

 

Release the princess!

 

Okay, you're done.

 

Not so bad, right?

 

Hardly felt a thing.

 

Welcome aboard.

 

Pleasure is all mine.

 

Ever heard of knocking?

 

Only when I'm casing a place to rob.

 

Merlin said you wanted to see me?

 

I hope J.B.'s training
is going as well as yours is.

 

Sit.

 

Congratulations on making it
to the final six candidates.

 

Your test results were even better
than I could've hoped.

 

Come in.

 

Eggsy, I need to have
a private conversation.

 

You're dismissed.

 

Nonsense. Let him observe.

 

Might learn a thing or two.

 

As you wish. Take a look at this.

 

For God's sake, I've barely touched you.

 

Man up!

 

Fucking hell!

 

That is rank, Harry.

 

You blew up his head?

 

It's a bit much, innit?

 

Actually, the explosion was caused
by an implant in his neck.

 

Here, under the scar.

 

Did my hardware
pick up the signal that triggered it?

 

Fortunately, yes.

 

Unfortunately,
the IP address I traced it to...

 

is registered
to the Valentine Corporation.

 

That's not much of a lead.
He has millions of employees worldwide.

 

That Richmond Valentine is a genius.

 

Did you not see his announcement today?

 

No.

 

We each spend on average
$2,000 a year...

 

on cell phone and internet usage.

 

It gives me great pleasure
to announce...

 

those days are over.

 

As of tomorrow...

 

every man, woman and child
can claim a free SIM card...

 

compatible with any cell phone,
any computer...

 

and utilize my communications network
for free.

 

Free calls...

 

free internet...

 

for everyone.

 

Forever.

 

Valentine's assistant
has the same implant scar.

 

I think Mr. Valentine and I
should have a tête-à-tête.

 

He's having a gala dinner next week.

 

I'll get you an invitation.
You need to be careful, though.

 

Since you've been out,
hundreds of VIPs have gone missing.

 

No ransom notes,
exactly like Professor Arnold.

 

Then I suggest you make my alias
somebody worth kidnapping.

 

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

 

What, don't like heights?

 

Yeah, it's okay.

 

I've done it before, which is probably why,
come to think of it.

 

Hey, it's gonna be all right.

 

You're top of the class.

 

Listen up.

 

Your mission is to land in the target
without the radar detecting you.

 

If I read you on the radar,
or you miss the target, you go home.

 

Is that understood?

 

Drop zone coming up, 20 seconds.

 

We gotta go.

 

Eggsy, I really don't think
I can do this.

 

Of course you can't.

 

Head to the back
and I'll show you how, yeah?

 

Eggsy, wait! Hang on!

 

Roxy, just stop fucking about!

 

Follow me, yeah?

 

Come on!

 

Roxy, it's now or never.

 

Jump]

 

Good girl, Rox...

 

I'm glad you made it!

 

Yeah!

 

Come on!

 

My, my, you're all very cheerful.

 

Did you really think it was gonna be
that straightforward?

 

Any idiot can read a heads-up display.

 

A Kingsman agent needs to be able
to solve problems under pressure.

 

Like what to do when one of
your group has no parachute.

 

-What, no parachute?
-Shit!

 

Who?

 

Fuck!

 

Which one?

 

What do we do?

 

I told you. Aim for the target.

 

Come in under the radar.

 

And I hope not to be scraping
one of you up.

 

But if I do have to,
and you're inside the target...

 

please know I'll be very impressed.

 

-Fuck!
-Oh, shit!

 

Everybody listen, I've got a plan!

 

Pair off!
Grab the closest person to them.

 

Rufus, come on!

 

Fuck!

 

Rufus!

 

Shit! I can't!

 

Fuck!

 

Thank God!

 

Rufus, you wanker!

 

Shit, we're an odd number now!

 

Quick, make a circle!

 

Fuck, he's right! Boys, let's do it.

 

We pull our cords one by one!

 

When we know who's fucked...

 

the person on their right grabs them.

 

Okay, Eggsy.

 

Good plan, Eggs)'-

 

You have 30 seconds.
Come on now, hurry.

 

Me first!

 

Fuck!

 

Yes!

 

Okay, me next.

 

See you on the ground, boys.

 

Now me.

 

Fuck!

 

Roxy...

 

no matter what happens now,
I've got you, all right?

 

Okay, Eggsy.

 

-Yours first, okay?
-Yep.

 

Shit!

 

Shit!

 

Shit!

 

Rox!

 

Fuck.

 

Hugo, Digby.

 

You don't land in the K,
you're not in the K.

 

Rufus, you opened too soon.

 

You were all over the radar.

 

All three of you,
pack your bags, go home.

 

Eggsy, Roxy, congratulations.

 

You set a new record.

 

Opening at 300 feet...

 

that's pretty ballsy.

 

Well done for completing another task.
Fall out.

 

Sorry, sir.

 

But why the fuck did you
choose me as the gimp?

 

Am I the expendable candidate?

 

No,no,no.
You don't talk to me like that.

 

You have a complaint, you come here
and you whisper it in my ear.

 

You need to take
that chip off your shoulder.

 

Mr. DeVere.
It's a pleasure to meet you.

 

I'm awfully sorry.
I seem to have my dates muddled up.

 

No,no,no.
I cancelled the gala because of you.

 

Anybody willing to donate that much...

 

deserves their own dinner.
Come in!

 

Thank you.

 

Got to admit,
I was really intrigued to meet you.

 

There aren't many billionaires
I don't know.

 

I don't doubt it.

 

And, obviously,
I had my people look into your affairs...

 

and that's some pretty old money
you're from.

 

How'd your folks make it?

 

Property, mostly.
Property and the markets.

 

Nothing questionable,
if that's your concern.

 

Look, I'm just into finding out
what caliber person you are.

 

I'm sure you understand that.

 

I most certainly do.

 

-Hope you're hungry.
-I'm famished.

 

Good.

 

Grab a seat.

 

I'll have the Big Mac, please.

 

Great choice.

 

But nothing beats two cheeseburgers
with secret sauce.

 

Goes great with this '45 Lafite.

 

A classic pairing.

 

And may I suggest Twinkies
and a 1937 Chateau d'Yquem for pudding?

 

I like it.

 

So, you want to donate to my foundation.

 

You are aware that I wound things
down in that area, right?

 

Climate change is a threat,
which affects us all, Mr. Valentine.

 

And you're one of the few powerful men
who seems to share my concerns.

 

No, I shut things down,
because I wasn't getting anywhere.

 

Every bit of research
kept pointing to the same thing.

 

That carbon emissions
are a red herring...

 

and that we're past the point of no return
no matter what remedial actions we take?

 

You know your shit.

 

I sometimes envy the blissful ignorance
of those less well versed in their...

 

"shit."

 

As Professor Arnold always said...

 

"Humankind is the only virus
cursed to live...

 

"with the horrifying knowledge
of its host's fragile mortality."

 

You know, not a lot of people
knew about him.

 

You like spy movies, Mr. DeVere?

 

Nowadays, they're all a little
serious for my taste.

 

But the old ones...

 

Marvelous.

 

Give me a far-fetched
theatrical plot any day.

 

The old Bond movies. Oh, man!

 

When I was a kid, that was my dream job.

 

Gentleman spy.

 

I always felt the old Bond films
were only as good as the villain.

 

As a child, I rather fancied a future
as a colorful megalomaniac.

 

What a shame we both had to grow up.

 

Bon appétit.

 

Just give me a couple of days
to think over your proposal.

 

I'll have my people
get in touch with yours...

 

and it's all good.

 

And thank you for such a happy meal.

 

Well, want me to follow him?

 

Nah.

 

I put a nano tracker gel in the wine.

 

We'll know his every move
for the next 24 hours.

 

Finally find out who he works for.

 

Valentine didn't let me
out of his sight.

 

All I got was this on the way in.

 

South Glade Mission Church
is a hate group based in Kentucky.

 

FBI have been monitoring them for years.

 

But you think Valentine is a supporter?

 

No evidence yet of a direct connection,
but I'll keep looking.

 

By the way...

 

our ever-growing list of missing persons
now includes Scandinavian royalty.

 

Royal Crown Princess Tilde.

 

Just let me out, you psycho!

 

I told you, you're free to go
any time you want.

 

As long as you agree to my conditions.

 

I don't agree...

 

and I am never ever going to agree!

 

Tough shit.

 

Bitch.

 

I want to speak to the British Council!

 

The list of missing celebrities and dignitaries
has continued to grow in recent weeks...

 

and world leaders are coming under
increasing pressure to provide answers.

 

We are doing everything in our power
to find Princess Tilde.

 

You know,
governments and security forces worldwide...

 

are working together to find the person
behind these abductions.

 

In other news,
people all over the world...

 

continue to wait in line day and night
to get their free SIM cards.

 

Mrs. P, did you get one?

 

Yeah, I've been queuing up all day.

 

This unprecedented giveaway
by the philanthropist Richmond Valentine...

 

has already seen
over a billion cards distributed.

 

At ease.

 

So you thought we were done
for the day, huh?

 

Well, we're not.

 

-A party?
-Tonight, in London.

 

-Who's this?
-Your target.

 

Your mission
is to use your NLP training...

 

to win over the individual
on the photograph in your envelope.

 

And when I say "win over"...

 

I do mean in the biblical sense.

 

Easy.

 

Posh girls love a bit of rough.

 

We'll see about that, yeah?

 

We certainly will.

 

Hi!

 

Sorry, I just had to come over
and say, amazing eyes.

 

Are you wearing color contacts?

 

-No!
-You so are.

 

Oh, my God, negging! That's hilarious.

 

I haven't heard anyone try that
since the noughties.

 

Excuse me?

 

"Negging-"

 

Saying something negative to a pretty girl
in order to undermine her social value.

 

It's supposed to make you
want to win his approval.

 

Absurdly basic
neuro-linguistic programming technique.

 

Is it just me, or does this champagne
taste a little bit funny?

 

-It's an acquired taste, mate.
-I think it's just cheap.

 

Get one of these instead.
They're delicious.

 

If you're into seduction techniques,
this guy is textbook.

 

See what he just did?
It's called an opinion opener.

 

He got you talking
with a neutral question...

 

got all of us involved
in the conversation...

 

so that you craved individual attention.

 

No, I'm just saying
the champagne tastes rank.

 

Lady Sophie Montague-Herring.

 

Phone call for you at reception.

 

-Be right back.
-We'll see you in a bit, yeah?

 

See you in a bit.

 

Budge up, Rox. I'm feeling a bit rough.

 

-Are you all right?
-No.

 

Sorry to eavesdrop...

 

but there's a much easier way
to guarantee getting someone home.

 

Rohypnol.

 

Or even something stronger.

 

Who the fuck are you?

 

Where am I?

 

This knife...

 

can save your life.

 

Fuck!

 

My employer's got two questions
for you, Eggsy.

 

What the fuck is Kingsman?

 

And who's Harry Hart?

 

I don't know who the fuck that is!

 

Shit!

 

Eggsy, I just killed two of your friends
who gave me the same bullshit answer!

 

Fuck!

 

Just cut the fucking ropes, please!

 

Hey, Eggsy!

 

Is Kingsman worth dying for?

 

FUCK you!

 

Congratulations.

 

Bloody well done.

 

How did the others do?

 

Roxy passed with flying colors.

 

Charlie's up next. Want to watch?

 

Yeah, all right.

 

Is Kingsman really worth dying for?

 

No, it fucking isn't!

 

Shit, I'll tell you what you want.
Please!

 

Chester King is Arthur.

 

Arthur's head of a spy agency.
It's called Kingsman.

 

-Get me out of here!
-Thank you, Charlie.

 

Much appreciated.

 

Come on!
That wasn't the fucking deal!

 

Fuck!

 

I had such high hopes for you.

 

You're a bloody disgrace.

 

Arthur, I'm sorry.

 

At least untie me.

 

Untie yourself.

 

Arthur, please.

 

I'm the fucking son of the... Shit!

 

Anyone? Hello?

 

Galahad, Percival, congratulations.

 

Your candidates have reached
the final stage of the testing process.

 

As tradition allows,
you now have 24 hours to spend with them.

 

Eggsy, you should know your
father reached this point.

 

From now on...

 

there are no safety nets, understood?

 

Good. Dismissed.

 

Charlie, time to go home.

 

Fuck you.

 

Fucking dad's gonna hear about this!

 

"To pee or not to pee?"

 

That was the headline...

 

the day after I defused
a dirty bomb in Paris.

 

"Germany, 1, England, 5."

 

Missed that game.

 

I was breaking up an undercover
spy ring at the Pentagon.

 

My first mission.

 

Foiled the assassination
of Margaret Thatcher.

 

Not everybody would
thank you for that one.

 

The point is, Eggsy,
nobody thanked me for any of them.

 

Front page news on all these occasions
was celebrity nonsense.

 

Because it's the nature of Kingsman
that our achievements remain secret.

 

A gentleman's name should appear
in the newspaper only three times.

 

When he's born, when he marries,
and when he dies.

 

And we are, first and foremost,
gentlemen.

 

That's me fucked then.

 

It's like Charlie said. I'm just a pleb.

 

Nonsense.

 

Being a gentleman has nothing to do
with the circumstances of one's birth.

 

Being a gentleman
is something one learns.

 

Yeah, but how?

 

All right, first lesson.

 

You should've asked me
before you took a seat.

 

Second lesson...

 

how to make a proper martini.

 

Yes, Harry.

 

Goddamn it! This fucking hurts!

 

You're the one who asked
for a biometric security system.

 

What's wrong with a simple switch?

 

A simple switch?

 

This is an extremely dangerous machine.

 

It should only be operated by someone
as responsible and sane as me.

 

Bad shit could happen
if this falls into the wrong hands.

 

We done here? Shit!

 

No. Now this one.

 

For the test at the church.

 

This one just has a short range.

 

A simple switch will do.

 

So are you gonna teach me how to
talk proper, like in My Fair Lady?

 

Don't be absurd.

 

Being a gentleman has nothing
to do with one's accent.

 

It's about being at ease
in one's own skin.

 

As Hemingway said,
"There is nothing noble...

 

"in being superior to your fellow man.

 

"True nobility is being superior
to your former self."

 

Now, the first thing every
gentleman needs is a good suit.

 

By which I mean, a bespoke suit.
Never off-the-peg.

 

And Kingsman suits
are always bulletproof.

 

So let's get you measured,
and then, whether you get the job or not...

 

you'll have a lasting and useful memento
of your time at Kingsman.

 

I'm so sorry, sir, but a gentleman
is completing his fitting.

 

Fitting Room Two is available.

 

One does not use Fitting Room Two
when one is popping one's cherry.

 

Perhaps I'll show you Fitting Room Three
while we wait.

 

So we going up or down?

 

Neither.

 

Is this it?

 

Of course not.
Pull the hook on your left.

 

Oh, yes.

 

Very, very nice.

 

You're going to need a pair of shoes
to go with your suit.

 

An oxford is any formal shoe
with open lacing.

 

This additional decorative piece
is called broguing.

 

"Oxfords not brogues."

 

Words to live by, Eggsy.

 

Words to live by. Try a pair.

 

Your weapon scores are excellent,
by the way.

 

These you are familiar with,
and this is our standard issue pistol.

 

It's quite unique, as you'll see.

 

It also fires a shotgun cartridge
for use in messy close-range situations.

 

-How do they feel?
-Yeah, good.

 

Now do your very best impersonation...

 

of a German aristocrat's
formal greeting.

 

No, Eggsy.

 

That is sick.

 

In the old days,
they had a phone in the heel as well.

 

How do I get it back in?

 

Well, it's coated in one of the fastest
acting neurotoxins known to man...

 

so very carefully.

 

Now, I've had a lot of fun with this.

 

One of our finest examples
of chemical engineering.

 

A poison, harmless when ingested...

 

but at a time convenient to you...

 

can be remotely activated. Primed.

 

Lethal.

 

What about these? What do these do?

 

-Electrocute you?
-Don't be ridiculous.

 

-It's a hand grenade.
-Shut up!

 

If you want to electrocute someone,
you'll need a signet ring.

 

A gentleman traditionally
wears the signet on his left hand.

 

But a Kingsman wears it on
whichever hand happens to be dominant.

 

Touch the contact behind the ring...

 

it delivers 50,000 volts.

 

And what about them?
What makes them so special?

 

Nothing.

 

That technology has caught up
with the spy world.

 

Put it back, Eggsy.

 

Perfect timing.

 

The gentleman's just finished.

 

Mr. DeVere!

 

What a coincidence.

 

You are totally the reason I'm here.

 

When you left my house...

 

I was thirsting for that dope-ass
smoking jacket you had on.

 

And since I'm going to Royal Ascot...

 

and, apparently,
you need one of these penguin suits...

 

here I am.

 

What are you doing here?

 

What's up, man?

 

Richmond Valentine.

 

This is my new valet.
I was just introducing him to my tailor.

 

Another coincidence. So am I.

 

Have you had any chance
to think further on my proposal?

 

Most definitely.

 

My people will be getting
in touch with you very soon.

 

I guarantee it.

 

A word of advice.

 

Ascot requires top hat.

 

I might suggest Lock and Co. Hatters.

 

Saint James's.

 

"Lox" as in smoked fish?

 

As in, "locked up."

 

I have trouble understanding
you people sometimes.

 

You all talk so funny.

 

Gentlemen, would you look after him,
please?

 

Now this...

 

is a dope-ass top hat.

 

Gazelle, let's go ascoting.

 

Your hat looks fine, Gazelle.

 

Come on!
Don't make me late for the queen.

 

Come on, Gazelle! We're gonna be late.

 

How far is Ascot?

 

How far?

 

Merlin said you wanted to see me, sir?

 

Sit down.

 

Pretty dog.

 

What's his name?

 

J.B.

 

-As in "James Bond"?
-No.

 

"Jason Bourne"?

 

No. "Jack Bauer."

 

Oh!

 

Bravo.

 

It pains me to admit it...

 

but I think that one day,
you might be as good a spy...

 

as any of them.

 

Take it.

 

Shoot the dog.

 

This weapon is live.

 

Shoot the dog.

 

Give me the gun.

 

At least the girl's got balls.

 

Get out.

 

I knew you couldn't make it.

 

Go home.

 

Merlin, send in Roxy, please.

 

Welcome to Kingsman...

 

Lancelot.

 

Mum!

 

Eggsy!

 

Oh, God. Where have you been?

 

I've been so worried about you.

 

Oh, my days. Look how big you've grown!

 

-Where is he?
-I'm fine.

 

Eggsy, please, just don't get involved.

 

I should never have left you
on your own.

 

This stops right now.

 

I'll be right back.

 

Eggs)'-

 

Oi, Dean!

 

Mugsy, so you're back.

 

What, you gone and nicked
a fucking taxi, now?

 

Yeah.

 

Can I have a word
about my mum's black eye?

 

You want to have a word with me,
you get out of that cab...

 

I'll knock you straight back down
on your fucking arse.

 

Tell your muppets to go inside,
then I'll get out.

 

Go on, lads. It'll be two hits.

 

Me hitting him, him hitting the floor.

 

Come on, then, you prick.

 

Let's see what you got.
Want a bit of me?

 

What are you doing?

 

No,no,no!

 

Get out of the fucking car!

 

What are you doing?
Where you going, you mug?

 

Go on, you got no bollocks!

 

Come on, bruv, he hit my fucking mum!

 

Come back when you've grown a pair!

 

Mugsy!

 

You throw away...

 

your biggest opportunity
over a fucking dog.

 

And then you humiliate me
by stealing my boss's car.

 

You shot a dog
just to get a fucking job.

 

Yes, I did.

 

And Mr. Pickle here reminds me of that
every time I take a shit!

 

You shot your dog and had it stuffed?

 

You fucking freak.

 

No, I shot my dog...

 

and then I brought him home
and continued to care for him...

 

for the next 11 years
until he died of pancreatitis.

 

-What?
-It was a blank, Eggsy.

 

It was a fucking blank.

 

Remember Amelia?

 

Yeah.

 

She didn't drown.

 

She works in our tech department in Berlin.
She's fine.

 

Limits must be tested...

 

a Kingsman only condones
the risking of a life to save another.

 

Like my dad saved your life
even though your fuck-up cost his.

 

Or have you got him
stuffed here and all?

 

Can't you see that everything I've done
has been about trying to repay him?

 

Harry, listen to this.

 

Valentine is at last
saying something of note.

 

Do you know what I love
about pen and paper?

 

Nobody can hack into this shit.

 

Our worldwide tour
was a complete success.

 

We have total coverall.

 

Like when all your numbers in bingo
are crossed out.

 

Bingo?

 

Bingo, the game.
You have played bingo, right?

 

Do I look like I play bingo?

 

Point is...

 

if our tests go well at the church tomorrow,
we are good to go.

 

South Glade Mission Church.

 

-Merlin, get the plane ready.
-Will do.

 

Harry, I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna do whatever--

 

You should be.

 

You just stay right there.
I'll sort this mess out when I get back.

 

And I say to you...

 

bear witness!

 

Watch the news. Watch the news.

 

AIDS!

 

Floods!

 

The blood of the innocent, spilled!

 

And yet, there are those who doubt
this is the wrath of God.

 

Our filthy government condones
sodomy, divorce, abortion!

 

And yet, some still doubt...

 

this is the work of the antichrist!

 

You do not have to be
a Jew, a nigger, a whore...

 

or an atheistic, science-loving
evolution spouter...

 

Charming sermon.

 

Can you see Valentine anywhere?

 

So, my friends...

 

although he is a just God,
he is justly a vengeful one...

 

and there can be no turning back...

 

from the almighty wrath...

 

Are you sure we're out of range?

 

We're over 1,000 feet away.
What's wrong?

 

What if the calculations are wrong?

 

You just have to trust me.

 

...Jew, nigger, fag lovers,
and the devil is burning them...

 

for all eternity.

 

Would you excuse me?

 

Where are you going?

 

Hey! What's your problem?

 

I'm a Catholic whore...

 

currently enjoying congress out of wedlock
with my black, Jewish boyfriend...

 

who works in a military abortion clinic.

 

So, hail Satan...

 

and have a lovely afternoon, madam.

 

Oh, shit. He's leaving.

 

I'm starting the test now.

 

Let's hope enough of these freaks
have our SIM cards.

 

I kindly ask you to sit down,
my friend!

 

Just leave this church!

 

You just leave this church
like the infidel you are!

 

Satan cannot save you now!
You will eat your babies.

 

You will drown in the blood of the Lord!

 

He will not save you!

 

Holy fuck!

 

Shit, I can't watch this. Get over here.

 

Jeez! Fuck.

 

Galahad, can you hear me?

 

Harry!

 

Harry, what the heck is going on?

 

Could you turn the volume down, please?

 

I didn't expect it to be that effective.

 

What kind of response are we talking?

 

100 percent.

 

So, everyone's been affected,
whether they have a SIM card or not.

 

And we get the added benefit
of wiping out the Kingsman.

 

Not yet.

 

You need to see this.

 

What did you do to me?

 

I had no control.

 

I killed all those people.

 

I wanted to.

 

Clever, isn't it?

 

In simple terms,
it's a neurological wave...

 

that triggers
the centers of aggression...

 

and switches off inhibitors.

 

Transmitted through your nasty,
free SIM cards, I assume.

 

Do you know what this is like?

 

It's like those old movies we both love.

 

Now, I'm going to tell you
my whole plan...

 

and then I'm going to come up with
some absurd and convoluted way to kill you...

 

and you'll find an equally
convoluted way to escape.

 

Sounds good to me.

 

Well, this ain't that kind of movie.

 

No!

 

Is he dead?

 

That tends to happen
when you shoot someone in the head.

 

It feels good, right?

 

No, no, it does not feel good.
It feels fucking awful.

 

What? You just killed
how many people in that church?

 

This is one guy.

 

No, no, they killed each other.

 

Okay, send out the countdown clock.

 

This party starts tomorrow.

 

Arthur?

 

Are you there?

 

Sadly, I am.

 

Assemble the Kingsmen.

 

Can't you see that everything I've done
has been about trying to repay him?

 

I see a young man with potential...

 

who wants to do something
good with his life.

 

Arthur, Harry's dead.

 

Galahad is dead.

 

Hence, we have just drunk
a toast to him.

 

Well, then you know
what that psycho's doing.

 

How many people around the world
have got those SIM cards?

 

Valentine can send his signal
to any of them, all of them.

 

If they all go homicidal
at the same time then--

 

Indeed, and thanks
to Galahad's recordings...

 

we have Valentine's confession.

 

The intelligence has been passed on
to the relevant authorities.

 

Our work is complete...

 

and a most distinguished legacy
for our fallen friend, it is, too.

 

And that's it?

 

Come sit down, boy.

 

This is an 1815 Napoleonic brandy.

 

And we only drink it
when we lose a Kingsman.

 

Galahad was very fond of you.

 

And on this occasion...

 

I think it's acceptable for us
to bend the rules a little.

 

Are these all Kingsmen?

 

Yes, they're founder members.

 

I want you to join me in a toast.

 

To Galahad.

 

To Galahad.

 

Harry says you don't like
to break rules, Arthur.

 

Why now?

 

You're very good, Eggsy.

 

Perhaps I will make you my proposal
for Galahad's position.

 

Provided, of course,
that we can see eye to eye...

 

on certain political matters.

 

Can you guess...

 

what this is?

 

I don't have to. Harry showed me.

 

You click it. I die.

 

I thought that brandy tasted a bit shit.

 

Bravo.

 

Valentine won you over, somehow.

 

Once he explained, I understood.

 

When you get a virus...

 

you get a fever.

 

That's the human body raising
its core temperature to kill the virus.

 

Planet Earth works the same way.

 

Global warming is the fever.

 

Mankind is the virus.

 

We're making our planet sick.

 

A cull is our only hope.

 

If we don't reduce
our population ourselves...

 

there is only one of two ways
this can go.

 

The host kills the virus,
or the virus kills the host.

 

Either way...

 

The result is the same.

 

The virus dies.

 

So Valentine's gonna take care
of the population problem himself.

 

Well, if we don't do something,
nature will.

 

Sometimes a culling is the only way
to ensure that this species survives...

 

and history will see Valentine...

 

as the man who saved
humanity from extinction.

 

And he gets to pick and choose
who gets culled, does he?

 

All his rich mates, they get to live...

 

and anyone he thinks is worth saving,
he's keeping them safe...

 

whether they agree with him or not.

 

And you, Eggsy.

 

In Harry's honor...

 

I am inviting you
to be part of a new world.

 

It's time to make your decision.

 

I'd rather be with Harry.

 

Thanks.

 

So be it.

 

The problem with us common types...

 

is that we're light-fingered.

 

Kingsman's taught me a lot...

 

but sleight of hand...

 

Yes, they're founder members.

 

I had that down already.

 

You dirty little fucking...

 

prick.

 

It's okay, Lancelot. Put it down.

 

It's verified.

 

Arthur's phone is receiving update
texts about getting to safety.

 

-We don't have a lot of time.
-What are you going to do?

 

The question is,
what are we going to do?

 

God knows who's in Valentine's pocket
and who's not.

 

We have no choice.

 

We are gonna have to deal
with this ourselves.

 

Follow me.

 

What the fuck is this?

 

I have no idea.

 

What you're playing with...

 

is a prototype personal
transatmospheric vehicle.

 

It was developed as part of
Reagan's Star Wars project.

 

It's pretty basic,
but it should still work.

 

We're gonna take out
one of Valentine's satellites.

 

We're gonna break the chain,
stop the signal.

 

It'll take him a couple of hours
to reroute it...

 

which buys us enough time for you
to get me into Valentine's mainframe...

 

so I can shut it down.

 

Lancelot, you're going to be using it.

 

Get into your halo suit.

 

Swedish Prime Minister,
requesting permission to land.

 

Permission granted.

 

-Please.
-Thank you.

 

-How many more are we expecting?
-Not many.

 

Most have their own bunkers.

 

I figure we're just getting
the really nervous ones.

 

Welcome, Prime Minister.

 

It seems the implant
can emit some kind of counter signal...

 

to ensure the wearer remains unaffected
by the waves from the SIM cards.

 

The waves that turn everyone
into a psycho killer.

 

Quite. But what he
probably didn't tell anyone...

 

is it can also super heat
their soft tissue at his command.

 

Valentine selected his chosen few
to get the countdown warning...

 

but he had to be sure they didn't blab
to the wrong people beforehand.

 

How does this help us right now?

 

It doesn't.

 

Roxy, here we go!

 

The higher you go,
the more the balloons expand.

 

When you reach
the edge of the atmosphere...

 

they'll explode.

 

You'll need to deploy your missile
just before that, okay?

 

Edge of the atmosphere.

 

And once you've deployed,
you'll need to release for descent, fast.

 

Good luck.

 

-You can do this, okay?
-Yeah.

 

Eggsy, come on. Time is not our friend.

 

You're getting in
on Arthur's invitation.

 

You're gonna need to blend in.

 

I'm supposed to be Arthur?

 

His invitation is in his phone.
You give them this.

 

-Give his real name, Chester King.
-What about you?

 

I'm your pilot. I'm gonna stay here.

 

Is that gonna fit me?

 

A bespoke suit always fits.

 

Just be grateful
Harry had it made for you.

 

Get dressed.

 

What the fuck's wrong with them?

 

I don't know. Could have something to do
with the mass genocide.

 

Give me the mic.

 

Hey-oh!

 

Everybody, listen up! Hello, hello!

 

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

 

I just wanna remind you that today...

 

is a day of celebration.

 

We must put aside
all thoughts of death...

 

and focus on birth.

 

The birth of a new age.

 

We mustn't mourn those
who give their lives today.

 

We should honor their sacrifice...

 

Has she got my number to call me back?
I got a new phone.

 

...and their roles in saving
the human race.

 

We must put aside doubt and guilt.

 

You are the chosen people.

 

When folks tell their kids
the story of Noah's Ark...

 

is Noah the bad guy?

 

No!

 

Is God the bad guy?

 

No!

 

How about the animals
marching two by two?

 

No!

 

Of course not!

 

Yeah, that's it!

 

Let's turn those frowns upside down.

 

Eat, drink...

 

and Pam'!

 

And I will see you all in the new age.

 

Rox, it's me.

 

How's the view?

 

-Hideous
-Mine's pretty sweet.

 

-They made you one of these suits yet?
-No, not yet.

 

You've got something to
look forward to then.

 

We're coming up on Valentine's base.
Gotta go.

 

Good luck.

 

Looking good, Eggsy.

 

Feeling good, Merlin.

 

This is November-2-4-7-Charlie-Kilo...

 

requesting permission to land.

 

Permission is granted.

 

Fuck me.

 

Eggsy, we're on.

 

Chester King.

 

Mr. King, welcome.

 

I'm sure you've adhered to Valentine's
strict no-weapons policy...

 

-but if you don't object...
-Of course.

 

Thank you.

 

Do you have any luggage?

 

Congratulations, Mycroft,
you just graduated from my pilot to my valet.

 

-You cheeky-—
-Understood?

 

Good.

 

Thank you.

 

Eggsy, find a laptop, get me online.
The clock is ticking.

 

And remember, try to blend in.

 

Would sir care for a drink?

 

Martini.

 

Gin, not vodka, obviously.

 

Stirred for 10 seconds while glancing
at an unopened bottle of Vermouth.

 

Thank you.

 

Merlin, are you clocking this?

 

Yes, I am. Stay focused.

 

Lancelot, you're doing great.
Not much further to go.

 

Yes, Merlin.

 

Eggsy, get me online now.

 

Yep, I'm on it.

 

Lancelot, you're approaching
your altitude limit.

 

Those balloons won't last much longer.

 

Prepare to engage missile.

 

Society's dead.

 

Long live society.

 

Amen to that.

 

-I'm Morten Lindström.
-Chester King.

 

How'd you get online? I couldn't.

 

It's a closed network, you see.
Pre-authorized connections only.

 

I've got a fix on the satellite.

 

Do you have the correct time?

 

I think I'm still in my last time zone.

 

Yeah, yeah. Let's see now.

 

Eggsy, I'm in.

 

Get your arse back to the plane, now.

 

-On my way.
-Lancelot, good luck!

 

Firing in 3...2...

 

Nice and slow.

 

Fuck are you doing here?

 

Well, my family were invited, obviously.

 

Now, get the fuck up! Slowly.

 

Shit. Lancelot, hurry up and fire!

 

That other balloon is gonna blow!

 

Yes, Merlin. I've nearly got it.
Give me a second!

 

Valentine! I've caught a fucking spy!

 

V-Glass, zoom.

 

Oh, fuck! It's that young valet.

 

Son of a bitch.

 

Got it!

 

Oh, shit. Sound the alarm!

 

I'm not taking any chances.

 

Okay, you send out
the two-minute warning.

 

I'm starting the override.
All right, let's do this.

 

Countdown initiated.

 

-You see him?
-Right here.

 

Eggsy, take a left.

 

Two guards, up ahead.

 

Lancelot! Release now!

 

Eggsy, straight ahead, then right.

 

There's two more.

 

All right, everybody on your feet!

 

Countdown to V-day!

 

Welcome in the new age!

 

Flat spin.

 

Eggsy, next left,
down the narrow tunnel!

 

Here we go!

 

10...

 

9...

 

8...

 

7...

 

6...

 

5...

 

4...

 

3...

 

2...

 

1 !

 

Nice! Well done, both of you.

 

It's not working!

 

It's supposed to be working!
What the fuck?

 

Yes!

 

Well done, Rox. Good girl.

 

We've lost one of our satellites.

 

Oh, no, no.
There's no way I can hack past that.

 

What's going on?

 

Is there a problem?

 

Come on. There's no need for guns.

 

I'm just a pilot.

 

Fuck. Merlin!

 

Get in here!

 

Come on!

 

Let's get the fuck out of here!

 

We can't.

 

I can't get into Valentine's machine.

 

He's got biometric security.

 

You're gonna have to get in there and make
sure his hand never touches that desk.

 

Are you taking the fucking piss?

 

I'm afraid not.

 

Let's have that then.

 

This is mine.

 

I'll show you yours.

 

Good choice.

 

How long to re-link the satellite chain?

 

It'll take an hour, maybe two.

 

Bullshit! Just bring these two
closer together.

 

But that's not yours.

 

V-Glass, call E-man.

 

E, it's V.

 

Listen, man,
I got a little hiccup on this end.

 

I need to piggyback.

 

One of my satellites just went down,
but it's right next to one of yours.

 

You read my mind.

 

How long before you make that happen?

 

Go.

 

All right, we should be
coming back online.

 

10 percent.

 

Shit!

 

Eggsy, Valentine's using
someone else's satellite.

 

He's going to reconnect the chain.

 

It's going to take him no time at all.

 

It's at 20 percent.

 

Eggsy, it seems Valentine's got a present for you.
Get a move on!

 

Is that Kingsman kid dead yet?

 

Not yet, but he will be soon.

 

Good.

 

Merlin, I'm fucked.

 

As am I.

 

They're coming at me from both sides.
I'm out of options.

 

Rox, I need a favor.

 

Call my mum.

 

Tell her to lock herself away from Dean.

 

And the baby...

 

and tell her I love her.

 

For fuck's sake.

 

Merlin, remember those implants
you said were of no use to us?

 

Any chance you can turn them on?

 

All right.

 

My turn to play, Valentine.

 

Oh, no!

 

What the fuck is he doing?
I can't stop this.

 

Yes, please.

 

No!

 

Oh, my God!

 

That is fucking spectacular!

 

Merlin, you're a fucking genius!

 

What the fuck is happening out there?

 

Aren't you that princess
who went missing?

 

Can you get me out?

 

If I do, will you give me a kiss?

 

I've always wanted to kiss a princess.

 

If you get me out right now,
I'll give you more than just a kiss.

 

You motherfucker.

 

Did you really think
I was stupid enough...

 

to implant one of those
things in my own head?

 

What are you, fucking crazy?

 

All those innocent people killed
and for what?

 

You didn't stop shit!

 

Fine, I've looked the door.
What do you want me to do now?

 

As I said, put your daughter
in the bathroom and throw away the key.

 

It's still happening!

 

You're fucking insane!

 

Just do it.

 

Eggsy, the signal's started!

 

Get Valentine's hand off
that bloody desk now!

 

Sorry, love.

 

Got to save the world.

 

If you save the world...

 

we can do it in the asshole.

 

I'll be right back.

 

Good luck!

 

London.

 

Rio.

 

Get down!

 

You did it!

 

The glass is not gonna hold long.

 

You stay here.

 

Merlin, quickly, how do I get up there?

 

-Keep shooting, I'll find a route.
-Understood.

 

Holy fuck!

 

We're back up.

 

We're back up!

 

This is great!

 

Eggsy!

 

Fucking get on with it!

 

Kick his ass, Gazy!

 

Seoul, Caracas, Mumbai!

 

Kill that motherfucker!
He killed all our friends!

 

Eggsy, the world is going to shit!

 

-Is he dead yet?
-Not yet!

 

Stop playing with your food!

 

Kill him!

 

Gazelle!

 

Gazelle!

 

Come on! Come on!

 

Kill him!

 

Hey!

 

Well done, son!

 

Yes!

 

Yes, Eggsy!

 

Well done, Eggsy!

 

And you, Lancelot.

 

I'm so sorry.
Mummy would never hurt you.

 

Mummy would never hurt you.
I'm so sorry.

 

Are you okay?

 

Harry would be proud of you, Eggsy.

 

He was right.

 

What's up, man?

 

Is this the part where you say
some really bad pun?

 

Well, it's like you said to Harry.

 

This ain't that kind of movie, bruv.

 

Perfect.

 

Eggsy, where are you going?

 

There's no need for champagne.
We got loads in the plane.

 

Did you save the world?

 

Yes, I did.

 

So, you gonna come in?

 

Yes, I am.

 

Merlin, the cell's locked.
How do I get in?

 

26-25.

 

Merlin, you're the guvnor.

 

You owe me, Eggsy.

 

Eggsy?

 

Oh, my word.

 

Michelle, turn that shit off.
It's doing my nut in.

 

I rather like that song.

 

Leave it on, eh, Mum?

 

Mugsy's back.

 

You've finally come
to have that word with me, have you, son?

 

Or are you gonna run away again...

 

and pretend you're going to court,
dressed like that?

 

Oh, you mean this?

 

No.

 

I know this bloke who's just taken over
a tailor shop on Savile Row.

 

He's given me a job, Mum.

 

It comes with a lot of perks.

 

Including a house.

 

Come and live with me there, Mum.

 

Come on.

 

Sit down, you.

 

Only place she'll be visiting
is you in fucking hospital.

 

-Do you hear?
-Just leave him alone, Dean!

 

Eggsy, just go. Please, just go, babe.

 

All right.

 

That's it, do as Mummy says.

 

Why don't you ask that tailor friend of yours,
and knock up a nice chicken costume.

 

It'll suit you, you mug.

 

As a good friend once said...

 

"Manners...

 

"maketh...

 

"man."

 

-Dean?
-Shut the fuck up.

 

Eggsy, I'm gonna shove your manners
up your fucking--

 

So...

 

are we gonna stand around here all day,
or are we gonna fight?

 

Modify by Blue-Bird™

Sync & corrections by Blue-Bird™