00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
1
00:02:50,893 --> 00:02:53,393
I'm kinda lonesome back here.
2
00:02:54,893 --> 00:03:01,193
- Little help...
- Just... I have to keep my hands on the wheel.
3
00:03:02,264 --> 00:03:03,264
Excuse me!
4
00:03:05,887 --> 00:03:08,387
- Dopinder.
- Pool. Dead.
5
00:03:10,887 --> 00:03:13,764
- Nice!
- Smells good, no?
6
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:15,640
Not the daffodil daydream. The girl.
7
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:19,340
Yes. Gita. She is quite lovely.
8
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:23,240
She would have made me
a very agreeable wife. But...
9
00:03:23,340 --> 00:03:27,140
Gita's heart has been
stolen by my cousin, Bandu.
10
00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:31,740
He is as dishonorable
as he is attractive.
11
00:03:32,340 --> 00:03:36,740
Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's
a reason I'm in this cab today.
12
00:03:36,940 --> 00:03:40,840
- Yes, sir, you called for it, remember?
- No, my slender, brown friend. Love...
13
00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:46,840
... is a beautiful thing. When you find it,
the whole world tastes like daffodil daydream.
14
00:03:46,940 --> 00:03:50,640
So you gotta hold on to love. Tight!
15
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,840
And never let go. Don't make the
same mistakes I did, got it?
16
00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:58,940
Or else the whole world tastes
like Mama June after hot yoga.
17
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,740
Sir, what does Ms Mama June taste like?
18
00:04:01,940 --> 00:04:07,840
Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss.
I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is it's bad.
19
00:04:09,340 --> 00:04:12,140
Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
20
00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:16,740
Oh, that's because it's Christmas day, Dopinder,
and I'm after someone on my naughty list.
21
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:23,840
I've been waiting, 1 year, 3 weeks, 6 days and---
14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
22
00:04:23,913 --> 00:04:27,913
- And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
- This shit.
23
00:04:29,913 --> 00:04:30,813
Boo!
24
00:04:50,913 --> 00:04:54,913
- They won't disappoint.
- They'd better not!
25
00:04:55,013 --> 00:04:58,313
- What about next month's shipment?
- There won't be one.
26
00:04:59,073 --> 00:05:01,383
You're not the only
one with a war to win.
27
00:05:01,913 --> 00:05:04,113
That won't do.
28
00:05:05,913 --> 00:05:10,613
See, we've had this small
disruption to our supply trade.
29
00:05:13,968 --> 00:05:17,968
We'd appreciate your patience.
30
00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:20,568
Okay...
31
00:05:20,595 --> 00:05:22,495
We'll deliver in full
the following month.
32
00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:28,393
Pleasure doing business with you.
33
00:05:31,393 --> 00:05:33,393
Fucking mutant!
34
00:05:43,393 --> 00:05:46,393
Shit! I forgot my ammo bag!
35
00:05:46,493 --> 00:05:50,893
- Shall we turn back?
- No time. Fuck it. I got this.
36
00:05:51,093 --> 00:05:55,393
9, 10, 11, 12 bullets.
Or bust. Right here!
37
00:05:57,393 --> 00:05:59,793
That's $27.50.
38
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:03,893
I never carry a wallet while I'm
working. Ruins the lines of my suit.
39
00:06:04,393 --> 00:06:07,066
- But how 'bout a crisp high-five?
- Okay.
40
00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:08,483
Merry Christmas!
41
00:06:09,018 --> 00:06:12,118
And a convivial Tuesday
and April to you, Pool!
42
00:06:32,327 --> 00:06:35,127
Oh! Oh, hello!
43
00:06:35,327 --> 00:06:41,327
I know, right? Whose balls did I
have to fondle to get my very own movie?
44
00:06:41,427 --> 00:06:46,227
I can't tell you, but it does rhyme
with "Pulverine". And lemme tell you...
45
00:06:46,427 --> 00:06:50,327
He's got a nice pair of
smooth criminals down under!
46
00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:54,377
Anyway. I got places to be.
A face to fix. And, oh!
47
00:06:54,427 --> 00:06:56,627
Bad guys to kill.
48
00:07:02,327 --> 00:07:04,327
Maximum effort.
49
00:07:13,327 --> 00:07:14,927
Cock shot!
50
00:07:22,327 --> 00:07:25,327
Rich! Corinthian leather!
51
00:07:26,327 --> 00:07:28,927
I'm looking for Francis!
52
00:07:29,127 --> 00:07:31,027
Have you seen this man?
53
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:42,827
Yanking, yanking!
54
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,027
I've never said this, but don't swallow.
55
00:08:38,327 --> 00:08:41,927
Shit. Did I leave the stove on?
56
00:08:59,227 --> 00:09:01,127
Now, breaking news.
57
00:09:01,327 --> 00:09:05,327
A multi-car collision turned shots fired
on the crosstown expressway this morning.
58
00:09:05,427 --> 00:09:10,027
Gridlock has kept police from the scene.
Residents are advised to remain in their homes.
59
00:09:10,327 --> 00:09:13,327
The assailant appears to be
armed, dangerous, and wearing a...
60
00:09:13,427 --> 00:09:16,327
Red suit. Deadpool.
61
00:09:16,427 --> 00:09:19,527
Negasonic! Come. We have mission.
62
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:22,227
Colossus, wait up.
63
00:09:22,327 --> 00:09:25,827
I've given Deadpool
every chance to join us.
64
00:09:26,027 --> 00:09:30,827
But he'd rather act like
a child. A heavily armed child.
65
00:09:31,027 --> 00:09:34,727
When will he grow up and see
benefits of becoming X-Man?
66
00:09:34,927 --> 00:09:39,027
Which benefits, the matching unitards?
The house that blows up every few years?
67
00:09:39,327 --> 00:09:42,327
Please. House blowing up builds character.
68
00:09:42,427 --> 00:09:47,727
You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast
is most important meal of day.
69
00:09:47,927 --> 00:09:52,027
Here. Protein bar. Good for bones.
70
00:09:52,227 --> 00:09:54,827
Deadpool may try to break yours.
71
00:10:22,327 --> 00:10:23,927
Hey!
72
00:10:34,527 --> 00:10:38,427
Wait! You may be wondering
why the red suit.
73
00:10:38,627 --> 00:10:41,227
Well that's so bad guys
can't see me bleed.
74
00:10:41,327 --> 00:10:44,227
This guy's got the right idea.
He wore the brown pants.
75
00:10:46,327 --> 00:10:50,027
Fine! I only have 12 bullets, so
you're gonna have to share!
76
00:10:50,227 --> 00:10:51,827
Let's count 'em down!
77
00:11:11,927 --> 00:11:17,227
Shit, motherfucker!
78
00:11:17,327 --> 00:11:19,127
Ten! Shit.
79
00:11:19,327 --> 00:11:23,927
Nine! Fuck.
Eight. Shit-fuck!
80
00:11:27,127 --> 00:11:28,927
Bad Deadpool.
81
00:11:29,727 --> 00:11:32,327
Seven. Good Deadpool!
82
00:11:54,127 --> 00:11:56,127
Someone's not counting.
83
00:11:56,227 --> 00:11:57,327
Six!
84
00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:25,327
Four...
85
00:12:27,027 --> 00:12:28,327
Gotcha!
86
00:12:29,327 --> 00:12:31,827
Right up main street!
87
00:12:35,327 --> 00:12:39,027
Three, two! Stupid!
Worth it.
88
00:13:04,327 --> 00:13:07,327
I'm touching myself tonight.
89
00:13:07,427 --> 00:13:10,327
Francis! Francis!
90
00:13:12,327 --> 00:13:16,927
What the shitbiscuit!
Where you at, Francis?
91
00:13:25,327 --> 00:13:27,327
You're not Francis!
92
00:13:34,327 --> 00:13:37,327
Really? Rolling up the sleeves?
93
00:13:46,327 --> 00:13:55,027
You're probably thinking, "my boyfriend said this was a
superhero movie but that guy in the red suit just turned
that other guy into a fucking
94
00:13:55,127 --> 00:13:58,927
Well, I may be super. But I'm no hero.
95
00:13:59,327 --> 00:14:03,927
Anyhow, technically, this is a murder. But some
of the best love stories start with a murder.
96
00:14:04,127 --> 00:14:08,177
And that's exactly what this is:
a love story. And to tell it right,
97
00:14:08,277 --> 00:14:13,127
I gotta take you back to long before
I squeeze this ass into red spandex.
98
00:14:13,327 --> 00:14:18,927
Look, would it help if I slow it down
for you? I didn't order the pizza.
99
00:14:19,127 --> 00:14:22,227
Is this 7348 Redledge Drive?
100
00:14:22,327 --> 00:14:27,127
- Are you Mr. Merchant?
- The Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie!
101
00:14:27,427 --> 00:14:29,927
- Who placed the call?
- I did!
102
00:14:31,327 --> 00:14:36,927
Pineapple and olive? Sweet and salty!
103
00:14:37,027 --> 00:14:39,927
The fuck are you? The fuck
are you doing in my crib?
104
00:14:40,127 --> 00:14:43,527
- Is that bread crust? Don't move!
- God, I hope not.
105
00:14:43,627 --> 00:14:47,327
Look, is this about that
poker game? I told Howie...
106
00:14:49,327 --> 00:14:52,327
- Just take whatever you want.
- Thanks!
107
00:14:52,727 --> 00:14:56,527
Sir, before you do anything to him,
do you mind if I get a big tip?
108
00:14:58,327 --> 00:15:01,327
- Jeremy, is it? Wade Wilson.
- Yeah.
109
00:15:01,427 --> 00:15:05,027
That is a no go on the tip-aroo, Jer.
110
00:15:05,127 --> 00:15:08,327
I'm not here for him.
I'm here for you.
111
00:15:09,327 --> 00:15:14,127
- I dodged a big-time bullet on that one!
- Not, out of the woods yet.
112
00:15:14,327 --> 00:15:19,127
You need to seriously ease up on the
bedazzling. They're jeans, not a chandelier.
113
00:15:19,227 --> 00:15:21,327
P.S. I'm keeping your wallet.
You did kind of give it to me.
114
00:15:21,527 --> 00:15:26,027
- Just look, man, can I have my---
- I will shoot your fucking cat.
115
00:15:26,327 --> 00:15:28,327
I don't really know what that
means, I don't have a cat.
116
00:15:28,627 --> 00:15:31,327
Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?
117
00:15:34,327 --> 00:15:35,627
Anywho...
118
00:15:35,927 --> 00:15:40,327
Tell me something. What situation
isn't improved by pizza?
119
00:15:40,627 --> 00:15:44,927
Do you happen to know a Megan
Orflosky? Get that right? Orflovsky?
120
00:15:47,327 --> 00:15:50,027
'Cause she knows you. Jeremy...
121
00:15:50,327 --> 00:15:53,727
I belong to a group of guys who
take a dime to beat a fella down.
122
00:15:53,927 --> 00:15:58,527
And little Megan, she's not made of
money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot.
123
00:15:59,327 --> 00:16:01,327
- I'm.....
- A stalker.
124
00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:06,327
Threats hurt, Jer. Though not
nearly as badly as serrated steel.
125
00:16:06,427 --> 00:16:12,327
- So keep away from Megan. Cool?
- Yes, sir.
126
00:16:12,427 --> 00:16:15,327
- And we're done.
- Wait, we are?
127
00:16:15,427 --> 00:16:19,127
Totally done. You should've seen your face!
128
00:16:19,327 --> 00:16:22,327
- I didn't know what to do, I was so scared...
- Soft spot, remember?
129
00:16:23,327 --> 00:16:29,327
Even look in her general direction again and you will learn
in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots, too.
130
00:16:30,327 --> 00:16:32,327
That came out wrong.
131
00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:35,327
Or did it?
132
00:16:47,327 --> 00:16:49,327
Megan.
133
00:16:51,327 --> 00:16:54,527
You've heard the last
of Jeremy. He's sorry.
134
00:16:54,827 --> 00:16:57,327
No friggin' way.
135
00:17:01,327 --> 00:17:04,327
Should've brought my roller blades.
Show these kids how it's done.
136
00:17:04,527 --> 00:17:07,327
And that's why we do it.
But mostly the money.
137
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,327
Hey. Think you can
fuck up my step dad?
138
00:17:09,527 --> 00:17:12,327
If I can give the guy a pavement
facial, it's 'cause he's earned it.
139
00:17:12,627 --> 00:17:14,327
Hey, wait.
140
00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:19,327
- You're my hero.
- No, no, no, no, no. That, I ain't.
141
00:17:21,327 --> 00:17:26,127
Nope. Never will be.
- Fuck you, Wade.
142
00:17:26,227 --> 00:17:29,327
I'm just a bad guy who gets
paid to fuck up worse guys.
143
00:17:30,327 --> 00:17:35,327
Welcome to Sister Margaret's.
It's like a job fair for mercenaries.
144
00:17:35,427 --> 00:17:40,027
Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies
except we knock out the teeth and take the cash.
145
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:45,327
You'd best hope we never
see your name on a gold card.
(Buck! Liefeld.)
146
00:17:45,527 --> 00:17:48,327
- Hey, Wade!
- Wade Wilson. Patron Saint of the Pitiful.
147
00:17:48,427 --> 00:17:51,327
- What can I do for you?
- I'd love a blowjob.
148
00:17:51,427 --> 00:17:55,627
- Oh, God, me too.
- The drink. With snuggle. But first...
149
00:17:56,327 --> 00:18:01,327
- Hey, I ain't taking any babysitting money,
make sure that gets back to Miss...
- Orlovsky?
150
00:18:02,327 --> 00:18:04,327
- You sure?
- Hmm.
151
00:18:04,427 --> 00:18:08,127
For a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded.
Bet you let the kid off easy, too.
152
00:18:08,327 --> 00:18:15,327
He's not a bad kid. Just a little light stalking. I was way
worse when I was his age, travelling to exotic places...
153
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:19,327
Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville,
meeting new and exciting people. And then..
154
00:18:19,427 --> 00:18:24,627
Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your instagram.
So what were special forces doing in Jacksonville?
155
00:18:24,827 --> 00:18:28,327
That's classified. They
have wonderful TGIFridays!
156
00:18:28,427 --> 00:18:32,327
Alright, kahlua, baileys
and whipped cream.
157
00:18:32,427 --> 00:18:34,327
I give you, a blowjob. I'm---
158
00:18:34,427 --> 00:18:37,327
- Why do you make me make that?
- Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...
159
00:18:37,427 --> 00:18:41,627
Take that over there to Buck, please and
tell him it's from Booth. Little foreplay.
160
00:18:41,827 --> 00:18:46,327
- Remind me what good will come of this?
- I don't take the shits, I just disturb them.
161
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,327
What you want?
162
00:18:51,327 --> 00:18:55,327
- Cheers. To your health.
- Fuck you.
163
00:18:56,327 --> 00:18:58,327
That's a new stool.
164
00:19:03,327 --> 00:19:05,327
Stay the fuck down.
165
00:19:09,327 --> 00:19:11,427
Alright, move, move, move, move.
166
00:19:11,527 --> 00:19:12,527
Buck, go rest.
167
00:19:19,327 --> 00:19:21,327
He's still breathing.
168
00:19:23,327 --> 00:19:27,327
Nobody wins today. Nice try, Wade.
169
00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:30,327
You got me. I picked Booth in
the dead pool. Who did you pick?
170
00:19:31,327 --> 00:19:36,327
- You know, Wade, about that....
- No. You did not bet on me to die.
171
00:19:38,327 --> 00:19:43,127
You bet on me to die. Wow. Motherfucker,
you're the world's worst friend.
172
00:19:43,327 --> 00:19:48,327
Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102.
And then die. At the city of Detroit.
173
00:19:48,427 --> 00:19:52,127
Sorry. I wanted to win money.
I never win anything.
174
00:19:52,327 --> 00:19:56,327
- Whatever. Soldiers of fortune, drink's on me!
- Yeah!
175
00:19:57,327 --> 00:19:59,327
Domestic! Nothing imported.
176
00:20:01,327 --> 00:20:03,727
Woah, woah, woah. Baby...
177
00:20:04,327 --> 00:20:06,327
Are you sure you wanna
shoot your whole wad?
178
00:20:09,327 --> 00:20:11,327
Tight.
179
00:20:11,827 --> 00:20:13,827
- Vanessa.
- Wade.
180
00:20:14,327 --> 00:20:17,327
What's a nice place like
you doing in a girl like this?
181
00:20:17,427 --> 00:20:19,327
I'd hit that.
182
00:20:20,327 --> 00:20:24,327
Buck, you'd best apologize
before--- yeah. That.
183
00:20:24,427 --> 00:20:27,327
- Say the magic words, fat Gandalf.
- I'm sorry.
184
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:31,327
- Breathe through the nose.
- I don't have a filter between my brain and my...
185
00:20:31,427 --> 00:20:35,327
Okay, hey. Hakuna
his tatas, he's sorry!
186
00:20:35,427 --> 00:20:40,327
- Get outta here. Go cast a spell.
- Hey, hands off the merchandise.
187
00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:45,327
Merchandise, huh. So you...
188
00:20:45,427 --> 00:20:48,327
- Fun fuzzies for money?
- Yup.
189
00:20:48,427 --> 00:20:52,127
- Rough childhood?
- Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.
190
00:20:52,327 --> 00:20:55,327
Daddy left before I was conceived.
191
00:20:55,427 --> 00:20:58,327
- Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
- Where else do you put one out?
192
00:20:58,427 --> 00:21:01,127
- I was molested.
- Me, too. Uncle.
193
00:21:01,327 --> 00:21:07,327
- Uncles. They took turns.
- I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole
of a locked closet which also happens to be my...
194
00:21:07,427 --> 00:21:11,327
Your bedroom. Lucky. I
slept in a dishwasher box.
195
00:21:11,427 --> 00:21:18,627
You had a dishwasher. I didn't even know sleep. It was
pretty much 24/7 ball kegs, brownie mix and clown porn.
196
00:21:21,327 --> 00:21:23,327
Who would do such a thing?
197
00:21:24,327 --> 00:21:28,327
Hopefully, you. Later tonight?
198
00:21:31,327 --> 00:21:38,327
What can I get for 275 dollars
and a yogurt rewards card?
199
00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:41,327
Baby, about 48 minutes of
whatever the fuck you want.
200
00:21:42,327 --> 00:21:45,327
And a low-fat dessert.
201
00:21:51,327 --> 00:21:54,327
Did she just put a gift
card in your mouth?
202
00:21:55,327 --> 00:21:58,327
It's time to put
balls in holes.
203
00:21:58,427 --> 00:22:01,327
- You said whatever I want.
- I get it.
204
00:22:02,327 --> 00:22:07,327
- You love ski ball. Apparently more than you love vagina.
- That's a tough call.
205
00:22:07,627 --> 00:22:14,327
I just wanna get to know the real you. Not the short-
shorted 2-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood.
206
00:22:15,327 --> 00:22:17,327
Balls in holes.
207
00:22:18,327 --> 00:22:21,327
- Prepare to lose tragically.
- Bring it, big man.
208
00:22:28,327 --> 00:22:35,327
A limited edition Voltron: Defender
of the Universe ring, por favor.
209
00:22:33,327 --> 00:22:35,327
Okay. Here you go.
210
00:22:36,327 --> 00:22:38,327
I had this sucker for a while.
211
00:22:38,427 --> 00:22:40,827
- And I will take the pencil eraser.
- Okay.
212
00:22:41,327 --> 00:22:48,327
You are now the proud protector of the planet Arus.
And you, can erase stuff. Written in pencil.
213
00:22:48,427 --> 00:22:53,327
- Milady.
- I hate to break it to you,
but your 48 minutes are up.
214
00:22:53,827 --> 00:22:56,327
How many more minutes
could I get for this?
215
00:22:56,427 --> 00:23:01,327
FYI, 5 mini lion bots come
together to form 1 superbot.
216
00:23:01,427 --> 00:23:08,627
- 5 mini lion bots? 3 minutes.
- Deal. What do we do with the remaining 2:37?
217
00:23:08,827 --> 00:23:09,827
Cuddle?
218
00:23:14,327 --> 00:23:18,327
- How long can we keep this up?
- All year?
219
00:23:27,327 --> 00:23:30,327
Happy Valentines' Day.
220
00:23:36,327 --> 00:23:40,327
- Happy Chinese New Year.
- Year of the Dog.
221
00:23:45,327 --> 00:23:50,327
Relax... and happy
International Women's Day.
222
00:23:59,327 --> 00:24:01,327
Happy Lenten.
223
00:24:05,327 --> 00:24:10,327
- Wade!
- Sorry. Happy Halloween!
224
00:24:18,327 --> 00:24:21,327
Happy Thanksgiving.
225
00:24:22,327 --> 00:24:24,327
I love you.
226
00:24:27,327 --> 00:24:31,327
If your left leg is Thanksgiving,
and your right leg is Christmas...
227
00:24:31,927 --> 00:24:35,327
Can I visit you
between the holidays?
228
00:24:35,427 --> 00:24:38,327
That sweater is terrible!
229
00:24:39,327 --> 00:24:41,327
But red looks good on you.
230
00:24:41,427 --> 00:24:44,327
Red's your color. Mine's like
the bloodshot in your eyes.
231
00:24:44,727 --> 00:24:46,627
- Listen. I've been thinking.
- Really?
232
00:24:48,327 --> 00:24:51,327
- 'Bout why we're so good together.
- Why is that?
233
00:24:52,327 --> 00:24:56,327
Your crazy matches
my crazy. Bigtime.
234
00:24:57,327 --> 00:25:01,327
And we're like 2 jigsaw
pieces. Weird curvy edges?
235
00:25:01,427 --> 00:25:05,327
- You put them together and you
can see the picture on top.
- Right.
236
00:25:06,327 --> 00:25:10,327
Wade... There's something I've
been meaning to ask you.
237
00:25:10,427 --> 00:25:13,327
But only because you haven't
gotten around to asking me.
238
00:25:14,327 --> 00:25:16,327
Will you...
239
00:25:17,327 --> 00:25:20,327
- Stick it up my---
- ...Marry me?
240
00:25:21,327 --> 00:25:23,327
Uh... Jinx?
241
00:25:25,327 --> 00:25:27,327
- Where were you hiding that?
- Nowhere.
242
00:25:27,427 --> 00:25:30,727
- They said 1-month salary, so ...
- You mean...
243
00:25:30,927 --> 00:25:33,327
- I do.
- That's my line.
244
00:25:36,327 --> 00:25:40,027
- I love you, Wade Wilson.
- You're supposed to... So that's a...
245
00:25:40,327 --> 00:25:42,327
- Yes!
- Woo! Yes!
246
00:25:45,327 --> 00:25:47,327
I feel just like a little girl!
247
00:25:52,327 --> 00:25:58,327
- What if I just held on and never let go?
- Just ride the bitch's back like Yoda on Luke.
248
00:25:58,427 --> 00:26:02,327
- Star Wars jokes!
- Empire!
249
00:26:03,327 --> 00:26:06,327
Jesus Christ, it's like I
made you in a computer!
250
00:26:12,327 --> 00:26:14,327
Perfect.
251
00:26:18,327 --> 00:26:21,327
Pee break. Shake it, yeah.
252
00:26:26,327 --> 00:26:28,327
Here's the thing:
253
00:26:28,427 --> 00:26:33,327
Life is an endless series of train wrecks with
only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness.
254
00:26:34,327 --> 00:26:38,327
This had been the
ultimate commercial break.
255
00:26:39,327 --> 00:26:43,327
Which meant it was time to return,
to our regularly scheduled programme.
256
00:26:43,627 --> 00:26:46,327
- What the fu.....
- Oh my God, Wade!
257
00:26:52,327 --> 00:26:57,327
You're clowning. You're
not clowning. I sense clowns.
258
00:26:57,827 --> 00:27:01,327
People react to news of late-
stage cancer differently.
259
00:27:01,427 --> 00:27:06,327
There are certainly options we can look into.
New drugs are being developed every day.
260
00:27:09,327 --> 00:27:14,327
So what do we do? Surely,
there is something we can do.
261
00:27:14,427 --> 00:27:20,627
My Uncle Ivan was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer and
there were all these experimental drugs from Germany...
262
00:27:20,827 --> 00:27:24,327
Vanessa's already working on plan
A, B, all the way through Z.
263
00:27:25,327 --> 00:27:31,527
Me? I'm memorizing the details of her
face. Like it's the first time I'm seeing it.
264
00:27:31,927 --> 00:27:34,327
- Or the last...
- Mr. Wilson, Mr. Wilson?
265
00:27:36,327 --> 00:27:42,327
Take your time to process this. It's
important not to do anything rash.
266
00:27:53,327 --> 00:27:58,327
Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of assholes
named Francis, where would I hide?
267
00:28:24,327 --> 00:28:32,327
"A hush falls over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W.
Wilson out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot."
268
00:28:33,327 --> 00:28:35,327
"His form looks good."
269
00:28:37,327 --> 00:28:41,827
"And that's why Regina
rhymes with fun."
270
00:28:42,027 --> 00:28:46,627
"Ladies and gentlemen, what you're
witnessing is sweet, dick-kicking revenge!"
271
00:28:47,327 --> 00:28:51,327
"Giving him the business! Incoming!"
272
00:28:51,427 --> 00:28:55,327
"This is taking unsportsman-like
conduct to a whole new level!"
273
00:29:00,327 --> 00:29:04,127
Looking good, Francis. Well-rested.
Like you've been pitching, not catching.
274
00:29:04,327 --> 00:29:07,327
Ringing any bells? No?
275
00:29:11,327 --> 00:29:13,327
How 'bout now?
276
00:29:16,927 --> 00:29:19,327
Wade fucking Wilson.
277
00:29:21,327 --> 00:29:26,327
- Well, hello, gorgeous.
- Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar Pei.
278
00:29:26,427 --> 00:29:31,327
And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? Time
to undo what you did to this butter face.
279
00:29:31,327 --> 00:29:36,327
You should thank me. Apparently, I've made
you immortal. I'm actually quite jealous.
280
00:29:36,427 --> 00:29:39,827
Yeah, but this ain't a
life worth living, is it? Now...
281
00:29:40,327 --> 00:29:45,327
I'm about to do to you what Limp
Bizkit did to music in the late 90's.
282
00:29:46,327 --> 00:29:48,327
Dad?
283
00:29:51,327 --> 00:29:55,327
I think we can all agree that shit just went
sideways in the most colossal way.
284
00:29:56,327 --> 00:29:58,927
Well, maybe not the most.
285
00:29:59,927 --> 00:30:02,827
Now this, is my most prized possession.
286
00:30:03,327 --> 00:30:06,827
- Wham?
- No, no, no, no. WHAM!
287
00:30:07,086 --> 00:30:10,327
Make It Big is the album that George and
Andy earned the exclamation point.
288
00:30:10,427 --> 00:30:14,327
So, am I supposed to just
smile and wave you out the door?
289
00:30:14,427 --> 00:30:17,327
Think of it like spring cleaning.
Only if spring was death.
290
00:30:17,427 --> 00:30:21,327
God, if I had a nickel for everytime I
spanked at the Bernadette Peters.
291
00:30:22,327 --> 00:30:25,360
Sounds like you have.
Bernadette is not going...
292
00:30:25,385 --> 00:30:28,351
...anywhere, because you're
not going anywhere.
293
00:30:28,994 --> 00:30:30,294
- Drink.
- You're right.
294
00:30:30,494 --> 00:30:33,994
Cancer's only in my liver, lungs, prostate
and brain. All things I can live without.
295
00:30:35,994 --> 00:30:41,894
You belong here at home. Surrounded by your
Voltron, and your Bernadette and your me.
296
00:30:41,994 --> 00:30:46,994
Listen, we both know
that cancer is a shit show.
297
00:33:34,774 --> 00:33:37,874
Not a good one, like Slapchop,
more Shakeweighty.
298
00:33:38,074 --> 00:33:43,074
The world needs extraordinary soldiers.
We won't just make you better.
299
00:33:43,474 --> 00:33:46,274
We will make you better than better.
300
00:33:47,774 --> 00:33:49,349
A superhero.
301
00:33:49,374 --> 00:33:54,098
Look, Agent Smith, I tried the
hero business and it left a mark.
302
00:33:54,174 --> 00:33:57,074
But if I ever hit fuck
-it, I'll look you up.
303
00:33:58,074 --> 00:33:59,874
Oh. Shit.
304
00:34:00,074 --> 00:34:04,074
We're within 500 yards of the school.
So you may wanna, you know...
305
00:34:07,074 --> 00:34:09,074
His drink's on him.
306
00:34:14,074 --> 00:34:16,074
What'd he say?
307
00:34:37,394 --> 00:34:38,812
Hey, what's going on?
308
00:34:39,907 --> 00:34:44,507
Hey, sorry. I had a
Liam Neeson nightmare.
309
00:34:45,507 --> 00:34:48,807
I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter
and he just wasn't having it.
310
00:34:58,807 --> 00:35:00,807
They made 3 of those movies.
311
00:35:01,807 --> 00:35:04,807
At some point, you'd have to
wonder if he's just a bad parent.
312
00:35:18,807 --> 00:35:22,107
The worst part about cancer
isn't what it does to you.
313
00:35:22,807 --> 00:35:24,807
But what it does to
the people you love.
314
00:35:26,807 --> 00:35:32,807
Who knew if this guy could save my life? But I
knew there's only one way that I could save hers.
315
00:35:35,807 --> 00:35:38,397
Isn't that what superheroes do?
316
00:35:52,101 --> 00:35:56,101
Okay. Let's pro/con
this superhero thing.
317
00:35:57,101 --> 00:36:02,901
Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass, local dry
cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals,
318
00:36:03,101 --> 00:36:06,101
both origin stories and larger,
ensemble team movies.
319
00:36:06,601 --> 00:36:09,701
Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets!
320
00:36:09,902 --> 00:36:14,002
- You know I can hear you.
- Wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them.
321
00:36:14,101 --> 00:36:19,101
Stay right here. You've been
warned before, Deadpool.
322
00:36:19,201 --> 00:36:24,601
This is a shameful and reckless use of your
powers. You will both be coming with us.
323
00:36:24,701 --> 00:36:31,101
Look Colossus, I don't have time for the goody
two-shoes bullshit right now. And you are?
324
00:36:32,101 --> 00:36:34,101
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
325
00:36:34,201 --> 00:36:37,701
Negasonic Teenage---
What the shit?!
326
00:36:37,902 --> 00:36:40,102
That's the coolest name ever!
327
00:36:41,101 --> 00:36:45,101
- So what, you're like his sidekick?
- No. Trainee.
328
00:36:45,201 --> 00:36:50,601
- Let me guess, X-Men left you behind
on what, shit detail?
- What does that make you?
329
00:36:50,901 --> 00:36:54,101
Pretending you're not here, Negasonic
Teenage Warhead. Can we trade names?
330
00:36:55,101 --> 00:36:58,901
- Can we go?
- "Look! I'm a teenage girl!"
331
00:36:59,101 --> 00:37:06,101
"I'd rather be anywhere than here. I'm all about long, sullen
silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences."
332
00:37:07,101 --> 00:37:12,101
So what's it gonna be? Long, sullen
silence? Or mean comment? Go on.
333
00:37:14,101 --> 00:37:20,101
- You got me in a box here.
- We can't allow this, Deadpool. Please, come quietly.
334
00:37:20,201 --> 00:37:23,101
- You big, chrome cockgobbler!
- That's not nice.
335
00:37:23,201 --> 00:37:26,101
You really got to fuck
this up for me? Trust me...
336
00:37:26,201 --> 00:37:32,101
That wheezing bag of dick-tits
has it coming! He's pure evil!
337
00:37:32,201 --> 00:37:36,101
Besides, nobody's getting hurt.
338
00:37:41,101 --> 00:37:44,101
That guy was already
up there when I got here.
339
00:37:44,201 --> 00:37:48,626
Wade, you are better than this.
Join us, use your powers for good.
340
00:37:48,651 --> 00:37:50,125
Heads up!
341
00:37:50,201 --> 00:37:54,901
- Be a superhero.
- Listen! The day I decide to be a crime-fighting shit-swizzler,
342
00:37:55,101 --> 00:38:03,701
who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners, at the Neverland
Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, heaven's gate looking motherfucker,
343
00:38:03,901 --> 00:38:10,101
on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend
request. But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do.
344
00:38:10,201 --> 00:38:12,101
- Either that, or slap the bitch out of you!
- Wade...
345
00:38:13,101 --> 00:38:16,701
- Hey. Hey, Douchepool!
- Zip it, Sinead!
346
00:38:16,901 --> 00:38:19,101
And I hope you're watching...
347
00:38:22,101 --> 00:38:24,101
Quite unfortunate.
348
00:38:27,101 --> 00:38:30,101
That does it!
349
00:38:33,101 --> 00:38:35,101
Canada!
350
00:38:36,601 --> 00:38:40,101
- That's not good. Cock shot!
- Wade, please.
351
00:38:41,101 --> 00:38:44,101
Oh, your poor wife!
352
00:38:44,201 --> 00:38:46,101
You really should stop.
353
00:38:48,401 --> 00:38:51,501
All the dinosaurs fear the T-Rex.
354
00:38:55,101 --> 00:38:59,101
- I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!
- This is embarassing.
355
00:39:00,101 --> 00:39:02,101
Please. Stay down.
356
00:39:03,101 --> 00:39:05,801
Did you ever hear of the one-legged
man in the ass-kicking contest?
357
00:39:05,901 --> 00:39:09,801
- Do you have 'off' switch?
- Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the 'on' switch?
358
00:39:10,101 --> 00:39:11,401
Enough!
359
00:39:20,101 --> 00:39:22,101
Let us go talk to the Professor.
360
00:39:23,101 --> 00:39:27,701
McAvoy or Stewart? These
timelines are so confusing...
361
00:39:28,101 --> 00:39:33,501
- Dead or alive, you're coming with me!
- You will recover, Wade. You always do.
362
00:39:39,101 --> 00:39:42,101
Did you ever see "127 Hours"?
Spoiler alert!
363
00:39:46,101 --> 00:39:49,101
Oh my God. Nasty.
364
00:39:51,101 --> 00:39:57,101
Oh, there's the money shot, baby. Are
you there, God? It's me, Margaret.
365
00:40:07,101 --> 00:40:09,101
Rock, meet bottom.
366
00:40:10,101 --> 00:40:17,101
When life ends up breathtakingly fucked, you can
generally trace it back to one big, bad decision.
367
00:40:17,201 --> 00:40:20,101
The one that sent you
down the road to Shitsburg.
368
00:40:20,201 --> 00:40:23,101
This, well, this was mine.
369
00:40:24,101 --> 00:40:30,101
Mr. Wilson. Nothing warms my heart
more than a change of someone else's.
370
00:40:31,101 --> 00:40:34,101
You've finally hit fuck-it.
371
00:40:34,201 --> 00:40:40,101
- Just promise you'll do right by me.
So I can do right by someone else.
- Of course.
372
00:40:41,101 --> 00:40:46,101
And please don't make the
super-suit green. Or animated!
373
00:41:06,101 --> 00:41:11,101
This place seems sanitary.
My first request is warmer hands.
374
00:41:11,201 --> 00:41:15,101
And Jesus! A warmer table.
375
00:41:16,101 --> 00:41:21,101
You should really come up with a safe
word, fellas. I'm thinking 'pork and beans'.
376
00:41:23,576 --> 00:41:25,576
Easy!
377
00:41:26,576 --> 00:41:28,417
Aren't you a little strong for a lady?
378
00:41:29,395 --> 00:41:32,395
I'm calling Wang.
379
00:41:34,395 --> 00:41:39,395
What's up with the matches?
Oral fixation? Or just a big Stallone fan?
380
00:41:40,395 --> 00:41:46,393
- Patience, Angel. All in good time.
- Are you here for the turn down service or what?
381
00:41:47,660 --> 00:41:51,140
- We have another talker.
- I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp.
382
00:41:51,340 --> 00:41:53,354
Shut the fuck up.
383
00:41:56,395 --> 00:42:01,395
Mr. Wilson, my name's
Ajax. I manage this workshop.
384
00:42:02,495 --> 00:42:05,395
All of my welcome speeches used
to be filled with euphemisms like,
385
00:42:05,395 --> 00:42:09,395
"this may hurt a little," or
"this might cause you some discomfort."
386
00:42:09,495 --> 00:42:13,795
But I'm going blunt. This workshop
is not a government-led program.
387
00:42:14,395 --> 00:42:18,695
It's a private institution that turns reclamation
projects like yourself into men of....
388
00:42:19,395 --> 00:42:22,395
Extraordinary abilities.
389
00:42:23,395 --> 00:42:28,395
But if you think superhuman powers
are acquired painlessly... Wrong.
390
00:42:28,895 --> 00:42:33,095
I'm injecting you with a serum that activates
any mutant genes lurking in your DNA.
391
00:42:33,295 --> 00:42:38,395
For it to work, we need to
subject you to extreme stress.
392
00:42:42,395 --> 00:42:46,395
You've heard the whole, "make an
omelet, break some eggs" bit, I hope.
393
00:42:46,795 --> 00:42:51,395
I'm about to hurt you, Wade. I was
a patient here once myself, you know.
394
00:42:52,395 --> 00:42:57,395
The treatment affects everyone differently.
It made Angel inhumanly strong.
395
00:42:58,395 --> 00:43:05,695
In my case, it enhanced my reflexes, also scorched
my nerve endings so I no longer feel pain.
396
00:43:07,395 --> 00:43:10,995
And in fact, I no
longer feel anything.
397
00:43:20,395 --> 00:43:24,395
Thank-- thank you! You
have something in your teeth.
398
00:43:25,395 --> 00:43:30,395
Right in the middle there, just...
Nugget of romaine lettuce or something.
399
00:43:32,395 --> 00:43:34,395
It's been bothering
me for a long time.
400
00:43:36,395 --> 00:43:41,895
Made you look. Hey, is Ajax your actual name,
because it sounds suspiciously made up.
401
00:43:41,995 --> 00:43:49,595
What is it really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott?
Mitch? Rickster? Is it Basil Faulty?
402
00:43:49,704 --> 00:43:54,295
Joke away. One thing that never survives
this place is your sense of humor.
403
00:43:54,395 --> 00:43:57,395
- We'll see about that.
- I suppose we will.
404
00:43:58,395 --> 00:44:05,395
- He's all yours.
- C'mon. You're gonna leave me all alone
here with less angry Rosie O'Donnell?
405
00:44:09,395 --> 00:44:17,395
This is how it's going to work. Adrenaline acts as a catalyst
for the serum, so we're gonna have to make you suffer.
406
00:44:18,395 --> 00:44:23,395
If you're lucky, your mutant genes will
activate and manifest in a spectacular fashion.
407
00:44:28,395 --> 00:44:31,395
If not, well, we'll have
to keep on hurting you.
408
00:44:32,395 --> 00:44:36,395
In new and different ways,
each more painful than the last.
409
00:44:38,395 --> 00:44:41,395
Until you finally mutate...
410
00:44:42,395 --> 00:44:44,345
... or die.
411
00:44:50,395 --> 00:44:57,395
- You mean like a bucket list?
- Like a fuck it list, I'd like to light a
spiff off the Olympic torch.
412
00:44:57,495 --> 00:44:59,995
Acid to me, right after.
413
00:45:00,095 --> 00:45:06,395
Let's not forget: naked tandem base-jumping
with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs.
414
00:45:06,495 --> 00:45:09,395
Anything on my bucket list
would involve public nudity.
415
00:45:10,395 --> 00:45:13,395
Finally, giving Meredith
Baxter Birney a dutch oven.
416
00:45:13,495 --> 00:45:16,995
No, receiving a dutch oven
from Meredith Baxter Birney.
417
00:45:20,395 --> 00:45:24,395
Making banana
pancakes... For my kids...
418
00:45:27,795 --> 00:45:30,395
Vanessa...
419
00:45:33,395 --> 00:45:36,395
I wanna see Vanessa.
420
00:45:36,495 --> 00:45:40,395
Oh, lovely. I don't know about
anyone else but, I'm touched.
421
00:45:40,495 --> 00:45:47,395
- We're just joking.
- No, no. It's okay. I encourage distractions.
422
00:45:47,495 --> 00:45:50,395
Wouldn't want you giving
up on us now, would we?
423
00:45:50,395 --> 00:45:54,395
Hey, don't take any shit from him,
Cunningham. How tough can he be...
424
00:45:55,395 --> 00:45:59,395
- ... with a name like Francis?
- Francis?
425
00:46:00,395 --> 00:46:05,395
It's his legal name. He
got Ajax from a dish soap.
426
00:46:07,395 --> 00:46:12,395
F-R-A-N-C-I--- oops!
427
00:46:15,095 --> 00:46:18,395
Snagged the dry cleaning
tag off your lab coat.
428
00:46:18,495 --> 00:46:22,395
FYI, I can probably get
you a superhero discount.
429
00:46:22,495 --> 00:46:26,395
- You are so relentlessly annoying.
- Thanks. Never heard that before.
430
00:46:26,495 --> 00:46:31,395
Why don't you do us all a favor and shut
the fuck up? Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.
431
00:46:31,495 --> 00:46:35,295
Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
432
00:46:35,395 --> 00:46:41,395
See, here's the problem with round-the-clock
torture, it's that you can't really step it up from there.
433
00:46:43,395 --> 00:46:46,395
Is that what you think?
434
00:46:51,395 --> 00:46:56,095
If this doesn't unlock your
mutation, then, well, nothing will.
435
00:46:56,395 --> 00:47:02,395
What we're gonna do is lower the oxygen concentration in
the air to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating.
436
00:47:02,495 --> 00:47:08,395
If your brain wave's slowing and you're about
to pass out, then we'll turn up the O2.
437
00:47:08,495 --> 00:47:13,395
If your heart rate slows meaning you're able
to catch your breath, we'll turn it back down.
438
00:47:14,395 --> 00:47:18,395
And that's where we'll
leave you. Right there.
439
00:47:19,395 --> 00:47:23,395
- I thought you guys were dicks before...
- You know the funniest part of this?
440
00:47:24,395 --> 00:47:27,395
You still think we're
making you a superhero.
441
00:47:27,495 --> 00:47:34,195
You? A dishonorable discharge?
Hip deep in hookers?
442
00:47:34,395 --> 00:47:39,395
You're nothing. A little secret, Wade...
443
00:47:39,495 --> 00:47:43,395
This workshop doesn't make
superheroes, we make superslaves.
444
00:47:44,395 --> 00:47:49,395
We're gonna fit you with a control collar
and auction you off to the highest bidder.
445
00:47:49,495 --> 00:47:54,395
And that's what they'll have you doing. Terrorizing
citizens, putting down freedom fighters.
446
00:47:56,395 --> 00:47:59,395
Maybe just mow
the occasional lawn.
447
00:48:00,395 --> 00:48:02,395
What the fuck is wrong with you?
448
00:48:07,395 --> 00:48:13,095
You're never going home after
this. Now there's a brave face.
449
00:48:13,395 --> 00:48:16,395
Wait, wait, wait...
450
00:48:17,395 --> 00:48:22,395
Seriously, you actually have
something in your teeth now.
451
00:48:23,395 --> 00:48:29,395
- Enjoy your weekend.
- Weekend? Back up, weekend?
452
00:49:10,395 --> 00:49:15,395
Did I say this was a love
story? No. It's a horror movie.
453
00:49:31,395 --> 00:49:36,395
Fucking hell! Looks like someone
lost a shot at homecoming king.
454
00:49:36,495 --> 00:49:42,395
- What have you done to me?
- I've mainly raised your stress levels
high enough to trigger a mutation.
455
00:49:42,495 --> 00:49:47,395
- You sadistic fuck!
- I've cured you, Wade.
456
00:49:47,495 --> 00:49:53,395
Now your mutated cells can heal anything.
Striking your cancer as fast as it can form.
457
00:49:54,395 --> 00:49:59,395
Yeah, I've seen some other side
effects before... I could cure them.
458
00:50:02,395 --> 00:50:04,395
But where's the fun in that?
459
00:50:06,395 --> 00:50:09,395
Now I'm gonna shut
you in again, Wade.
460
00:50:10,885 --> 00:50:14,395
Not because I need to.
461
00:50:17,395 --> 00:50:19,395
Because I want to.
462
00:50:33,395 --> 00:50:36,395
Farewell. Go ahead.
463
00:50:38,395 --> 00:50:41,395
You already smell like shit.
464
00:50:44,395 --> 00:50:48,395
- Motherfucker...
- That's alright, it's alright...
465
00:50:48,495 --> 00:50:55,395
I think we have earned that one.
You take off. Go on, off you go.
466
00:51:06,395 --> 00:51:08,395
Quick question:
467
00:51:10,395 --> 00:51:12,395
What's my name?
468
00:51:17,395 --> 00:51:20,395
Didn't think so.
469
00:51:21,395 --> 00:51:24,395
Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed.
470
00:53:19,955 --> 00:53:24,395
You don't wanna kill me. I'm the
only one who can fix your ugly mug!
471
00:54:20,395 --> 00:54:22,395
What's my name?
472
00:54:28,395 --> 00:54:30,395
Wade...
473
00:55:36,395 --> 00:55:44,395
I didn't just get the cure to el cancer...
I got the cure to el everything.
474
00:55:47,395 --> 00:55:52,395
But there was only one
thing that really mattered.
475
00:57:13,395 --> 00:57:17,095
No way. I'm not making
her life as ugly as mine.
476
00:57:17,295 --> 00:57:22,395
- Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad.
- Bullshit! I'm a monster inside now.
477
00:57:22,495 --> 00:57:26,095
- I belong in a fucking circus.
- Wade, Vanessa loves you.
478
00:57:26,295 --> 00:57:29,395
- She doesn't care what you--- Oh!
- Do you like what you see?
479
00:57:29,495 --> 00:57:36,195
No. You look like an avocado had sex
with an older, more disgusting avocado.
480
00:57:36,395 --> 00:57:44,395
Not gently. He was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was their only catharsis without violence.
481
00:57:44,495 --> 00:57:51,995
And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the British
shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he's gone--- Poof!
482
00:57:52,195 --> 00:57:55,895
You gotta do something to remedy this. 'Cause
as of now, you only have one course of action:
483
00:57:56,395 --> 00:57:59,995
- Damn straight. Find Francis.
- Star in horror fims.
484
00:58:00,195 --> 00:58:03,195
- What?
- Star in your own horror films.
485
00:58:03,295 --> 00:58:06,895
'Cause you look like Freddy Krueger face-
fucked a topographical map of Utah.
486
00:58:07,795 --> 00:58:09,195
Here's what I'm actually gonna do:
487
00:58:09,295 --> 00:58:16,395
I'm gonna work thru his crew until somebody gives up Francis,
force him to fix this, put a bullet in his skull, and fuck the brainhole.
488
00:58:16,495 --> 00:58:19,395
I don't wanna see that,
or think of it again. But,
489
00:58:19,495 --> 00:58:22,395
- the douchebag does think you're dead, right?
- Yeah.
490
00:58:22,495 --> 00:58:26,395
- That's good. You should keep it that way.
- What, like, wear a mask?
491
00:58:26,495 --> 00:58:33,395
Yes, a very thick mask. All the
time. I'm sorry, you're haunting.
492
00:58:33,495 --> 00:58:37,095
- Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
- Like a testicle with teeth.
493
00:58:37,195 --> 00:58:43,395
You will die alone. I mean if you
could die. Ideally. For others' sake.
494
00:58:43,495 --> 00:58:48,395
- That'll do.
- What you need now is a suit and a
nickname, like Wade the Wisecracker...
495
00:58:48,495 --> 00:58:55,395
- ... or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie. Oh, shit.
- What?
496
00:58:56,395 --> 00:59:01,395
- I put all my money on you, and now I
just realized I'm never gonna win the....
- Deadpool...
497
00:59:04,395 --> 00:59:07,395
Captain Deadpool.
498
00:59:08,395 --> 00:59:11,395
No. Just-just Deadpool. Yeah.
499
00:59:11,495 --> 00:59:17,395
To you, Mr. Pool. Deadpool. That
sounds like a fuckin' franchise.
500
00:59:31,395 --> 00:59:33,395
This shit's gonna
have nuts in it!
501
00:59:34,395 --> 00:59:36,395
Where's Francis?
502
00:59:59,395 --> 01:00:06,395
Seltzer water and lemon for
blood. Or wear red. Dumbass!
503
01:00:24,395 --> 01:00:26,395
Don't make me ask twice.
504
01:00:27,395 --> 01:00:30,395
Where is Francis?
505
01:00:30,495 --> 01:00:35,395
He made me ask twice.
Is the mask muffling my voice?
506
01:00:54,395 --> 01:00:57,395
You're about to be
killed by a Zamboni!
507
01:01:00,395 --> 01:01:05,395
- No, please...
- Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
508
01:01:06,395 --> 01:01:09,395
Little spider-monkey!
509
01:01:16,395 --> 01:01:23,395
This is confusing! Is it sexist to hit you, is it
more sexist to not hit you, the line gets real blurry!
510
01:01:23,495 --> 01:01:25,395
Donde esta Francesca?
511
01:01:26,395 --> 01:01:32,395
Tell me where your fucking boss is!
Or you're gonna die! In 5 minutes!
512
01:01:59,395 --> 01:02:06,395
Nice to see you, Jared. I'll
take a foot long. Fully loaded.
513
01:02:21,395 --> 01:02:27,895
- 41 confirmed kills. Now it's 89, about to be 90.
- Mr. Wilson?
514
01:02:29,395 --> 01:02:34,395
- You're looking very alive.
- Hah! Only on the outside.
515
01:02:34,495 --> 01:02:37,395
- This is not going to end---
- This is not gonna end well for you, no.
516
01:02:37,495 --> 01:02:40,395
- Where's your boss?
- I can tell you exactly where---
517
01:02:41,395 --> 01:02:48,395
You'll tell me. But first, you might wanna look
away for this. Now this little piggy went to...
518
01:02:50,145 --> 01:02:51,895
Thank you, Agent Smith.
519
01:02:55,395 --> 01:02:57,395
Taxi!
520
01:02:58,395 --> 01:03:01,395
Hop in! Great day for a ride.
521
01:03:02,395 --> 01:03:04,395
And we all know
how this turned out.
522
01:03:07,395 --> 01:03:09,395
Whoops! You weren't
meant to see that.
523
01:03:16,395 --> 01:03:19,395
There. All caught up.
524
01:03:29,395 --> 01:03:33,395
Sorry! About bleeding
at all your garbage.
525
01:03:38,395 --> 01:03:41,395
Seltzer water and
lemon for blood.
526
01:03:43,395 --> 01:03:45,995
Some kinds of anger
can't be managed.
527
01:03:46,095 --> 01:03:51,395
Like the kind where your year-long plan
ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered!
528
01:03:51,495 --> 01:03:56,395
That said, when it comes time to licking
wounds, there's no place like home.
529
01:03:58,395 --> 01:04:00,395
Morning, sleepyhead.
530
01:04:01,395 --> 01:04:06,095
- It smells like old lady pants in here.
- Yes I'm old, I wear pants.
531
01:04:06,195 --> 01:04:09,395
But you're no lady.
Oh, so comfy.
532
01:04:11,395 --> 01:04:16,095
- Upside of being blind, I've never seen you in crocs.
- You mean my big, rubber, masturbating shoes?
533
01:04:16,195 --> 01:04:22,395
Yes I know. Downside of being blind,
I hear everything in this duplex.
534
01:04:24,295 --> 01:04:27,395
- Sit on a stick.
- Bactine?
535
01:04:28,395 --> 01:04:30,395
Bactine should do it.
536
01:04:31,395 --> 01:04:36,395
How's that () coming along? Ikea
doesn't assemble itself, you know.
537
01:04:36,495 --> 01:04:41,395
You're telling me. I don't mind the ().
It's an improvement on the ().
538
01:04:41,395 --> 01:04:43,995
Anything's an improvement over the ().
539
01:04:44,395 --> 01:04:47,395
I'd taken an () or a () over the ().
540
01:04:49,395 --> 01:04:51,195
No, I didn't get
excited 'till I saw ().
541
01:04:51,395 --> 01:04:55,195
- Screw, please.
- Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades.
542
01:04:55,295 --> 01:04:58,395
- You'd be surprised.
- Pretty grossed out.
543
01:04:59,395 --> 01:05:02,395
Ta------da...
544
01:05:08,175 --> 01:05:11,395
I wish I never heard, of Craigslist.
545
01:05:11,495 --> 01:05:18,095
And I quote, "Looking for roommate, blind, and likes imperfections. Must be good with hands." Or would you rather I build the Ikea and you pay rent?
546
01:05:18,195 --> 01:05:21,395
- Why such a douche this morning?
- Let's recap:
547
01:05:21,495 --> 01:05:26,395
The cock-fizzle that turned me into this
freak slipped through my arms today.
548
01:05:27,395 --> 01:05:28,795
Arm.
549
01:05:28,995 --> 01:05:34,395
Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super
-sexy ex back and prevent this from happening to someone else.
550
01:05:34,495 --> 01:05:37,395
So yeah, today was about as
much fun as a sandpaper dildo.
551
01:05:40,095 --> 01:05:41,895
#drive-by.
552
01:05:59,395 --> 01:06:02,395
Found out who our
friend in the red suit is.
553
01:06:03,395 --> 01:06:09,395
Fucking Wade Wilson. Suppose I'd wear
a mask, too, if I had a face like that.
554
01:06:09,495 --> 01:06:11,395
I only wish I'd heal the same.
555
01:06:14,995 --> 01:06:18,395
Still, we'll put him out of
our misery. On our terms.
556
01:06:19,395 --> 01:06:25,395
- Right. And when he heals?
- He can't. Not if there's nothing left of him to heal.
557
01:06:25,495 --> 01:06:30,395
You know, it's funny. I
almost missed the fucker.
558
01:06:31,395 --> 01:06:37,695
I like a challenge. But he's bad
for business. Now let's go find him.
559
01:06:42,395 --> 01:06:46,395
- Tylenol PM?
- It sticks back where you stuck the Bactine.
560
01:06:46,495 --> 01:06:53,395
I raided my stash of wisdom just to take a sec
and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now.
561
01:06:55,995 --> 01:06:58,395
But I appreciate the gesture.
562
01:06:59,395 --> 01:07:03,395
Am I crazy? Or is
your hand really small?
563
01:07:03,495 --> 01:07:06,395
About the size of a KFC spork.
564
01:07:07,395 --> 01:07:13,895
I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna
brighten 'till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.
565
01:07:13,995 --> 01:07:19,395
What do I keep telling you, Mrs. McGoo? She wouldn't
have me. If you could see me, you'd understand.
566
01:07:19,495 --> 01:07:23,895
- Looks aren't everything.
- Looks are everything! Ever heard David Beckham speak?
567
01:07:23,995 --> 01:07:29,895
It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think
Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?
568
01:07:29,995 --> 01:07:31,895
- Love is blind, Wade.
- No...
569
01:07:32,395 --> 01:07:34,395
You're blind.
570
01:07:34,495 --> 01:07:37,395
So you're just gonna
lie there and whimper?
571
01:07:37,495 --> 01:07:42,995
No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through puberty
and then I'll come up with a whole, new Christmas day plan.
572
01:07:43,195 --> 01:07:48,395
In the meantime, you might wanna leave
the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand.
573
01:07:49,395 --> 01:07:52,395
Go, go, go, go, go...
574
01:07:53,395 --> 01:07:58,195
So the doctor says, the bad news is you don't have
that long to live. So the patient says, how long do I have?
575
01:07:58,295 --> 01:08:01,395
The doctor says, five.
The guys says, five what?
576
01:08:01,495 --> 01:08:05,395
The doctor says, 4, 3, 2...
577
01:08:11,395 --> 01:08:13,995
Can I help you ladies?
578
01:08:16,395 --> 01:08:18,395
Oh, I do hope so.
579
01:08:21,395 --> 01:08:26,395
Now, I heard you might be able to point
me in the direction of a, a friend of mine.
580
01:08:26,495 --> 01:08:28,395
Name of Wade Wilson.
581
01:08:29,395 --> 01:08:32,395
Sorry, I don't know the name.
582
01:08:39,395 --> 01:08:42,265
Hey, you're not supposed
to be behind the bar.
583
01:08:45,395 --> 01:08:50,395
- I've seen this girl.
- This must be Vanessa. I've
heard so much about you.
584
01:08:54,395 --> 01:08:59,395
Sweetheart, you might wanna look around. This
isn't really the place to do something like that.
585
01:09:00,395 --> 01:09:04,395
Easy, Angel. Put
the little man down.
586
01:09:05,395 --> 01:09:08,395
- We have everything we need now.
- You sure?
587
01:09:09,395 --> 01:09:12,395
You don't want any clothes
that are not monochromatic?
588
01:09:12,495 --> 01:09:15,395
There's a midnight showing of Blade II.
589
01:09:18,395 --> 01:09:21,395
Thanks for having my back, guys.
590
01:09:25,995 --> 01:09:29,895
Wade, we have a fucking
problem, and by we, I mean you.
591
01:09:31,095 --> 01:09:36,395
I can't believe we're doing this. Is there
a word for half-afraid, half-angry?
592
01:09:36,495 --> 01:09:39,395
"Afrangry", I guess. Have you
decided what you're gonna say to her?
593
01:09:39,475 --> 01:09:44,095
- Fuck me!
- Maybe not start with that.
594
01:09:49,395 --> 01:09:55,395
Hey, coming on to our stage
right now, give it up for Chastity!
595
01:09:58,395 --> 01:10:03,395
- Or as I like to call her, Irony.
- I gotta find her fast, before numb nuts does.
596
01:10:03,495 --> 01:10:08,395
- How do you know she's in here?
- Some customer stalking that fox.
597
01:10:32,395 --> 01:10:36,395
Every time I see her,
it's like the first time.
598
01:10:36,895 --> 01:10:39,395
Especially from this angle.
599
01:11:02,395 --> 01:11:06,395
You can't buy love, but you
can rent it for three minutes.
600
01:11:09,395 --> 01:11:12,395
You weak motherfucker!
601
01:11:13,395 --> 01:11:18,395
C'mon. Get it together, this isn't
about you, this is about Vanessa.
602
01:11:22,395 --> 01:11:24,395
Here we go.
603
01:11:26,395 --> 01:11:28,395
Maximum effort.
604
01:11:31,395 --> 01:11:32,995
Vanessa!
605
01:11:35,395 --> 01:11:41,395
Someone out back asking for you.
Something about... an old boyfriend?
606
01:12:07,395 --> 01:12:12,395
I knew it was you. 'Cause
we're weird curvy edges.
607
01:12:13,395 --> 01:12:15,395
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
608
01:12:25,395 --> 01:12:28,395
You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.
609
01:12:36,395 --> 01:12:41,395
- Hey, where did she go?
- I saw her head to the back. Go get her, tiger.
610
01:13:08,795 --> 01:13:10,395
Motherfucker!
611
01:13:10,395 --> 01:13:13,195
- Wade, Wade, Wade, Wade...
- Cunt! Chocolate---
612
01:13:13,395 --> 01:13:18,395
- Jiminy---- Fuck! Fuck!
- We can talk... or you can hit that...
613
01:13:23,395 --> 01:13:26,395
- Whoa! Whoa!
- Relax, relax. Okay...
614
01:13:26,395 --> 01:13:33,395
I'm gonna rip his motherfucking-- find
that, find it, or I'm gonna get angry.
615
01:13:35,395 --> 01:13:39,295
Here, this is Vanessa.
No, wait, it's Francis.
616
01:13:39,395 --> 01:13:42,395
- He wants you to come to him.
- What is that?
617
01:13:42,495 --> 01:13:48,395
That's the shit emoji. It's the turd with the smiling face and
the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.
618
01:13:48,695 --> 01:13:51,395
- I need guns.
- Okay, which ones?
619
01:13:51,495 --> 01:13:54,395
- I need all the guns!
- All right, okay.
620
01:14:13,795 --> 01:14:18,795
- That's about 3000 rounds.
- And we all know what I can do with 12.
621
01:14:19,095 --> 01:14:22,395
Hey, hey, careful with that,
Ronnie Milsap, we're downrange.
622
01:14:23,395 --> 01:14:28,395
I was gonna spend the night assembling
the () but this is holding my interest.
623
01:14:28,495 --> 01:14:34,395
- I told you, we're going with the (), not the (),
get it thru your head or get outta Fucktown!
- Shit.
624
01:14:34,495 --> 01:14:38,395
- That's all the pieces in the house.
- No, no, no, come on. Let's go. Cough it up.
625
01:14:41,395 --> 01:14:44,395
- Down, down, down, down.
- Fuck you.
626
01:14:45,395 --> 01:14:48,395
25 cal. I like it.
627
01:14:50,295 --> 01:14:51,395
Wade...
628
01:14:52,395 --> 01:14:56,395
I'd go with you, but...
I don't wanna.
629
01:14:58,395 --> 01:15:01,395
Oh, listen, Al...
630
01:15:02,395 --> 01:15:07,395
If I never see you again, I want you
to know that I love you very much.
631
01:15:08,395 --> 01:15:15,395
And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere
in the apartment, right next to the cure for blindness.
632
01:15:15,495 --> 01:15:17,395
Good luck.
633
01:15:21,395 --> 01:15:24,395
You wanna get fucked up?
634
01:15:32,895 --> 01:15:35,395
Put her down over here.
635
01:15:44,395 --> 01:15:46,395
Go on, then.
636
01:15:48,395 --> 01:15:54,395
- Thanks, dickless. And I mean you.
- You're a talker, too. You and Wade.
637
01:15:54,495 --> 01:15:59,395
I've been trying to tell you assholes you
got the wrong girl. My old boyfriend, he's dead.
638
01:15:59,495 --> 01:16:07,395
See, I thought that, too. But he keeps on
coming back. Like a cockroach, but uglier.
639
01:16:07,495 --> 01:16:14,895
Now, I may not feel, but he does. Let's see
how he fights with your head on the block.
640
01:16:22,395 --> 01:16:26,395
- Ripley! From Alien 3!
- Fuck, you're old.
641
01:16:27,395 --> 01:16:34,495
- Fake laugh! Hiding real pain! Go get Silver balls.
- You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
642
01:16:34,695 --> 01:16:37,895
Like there's something wrong with eating
before sundown or saving money. No.
643
01:16:38,095 --> 01:16:42,395
You know that bad guy that
you let go? He's got my girl.
644
01:16:43,395 --> 01:16:47,145
- You're gonna help me get her back.
- Wade? Is that you?
645
01:16:47,245 --> 01:16:51,395
Yeah, it's me Deadpool, and I got
an offer that you can't refuse!
646
01:16:53,995 --> 01:16:55,995
I'm gonna wait out here,
okay? It's a big house!
647
01:16:56,095 --> 01:17:01,395
It's funny that I only ever see 2 of you. It s almost
like, the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
648
01:17:01,525 --> 01:17:06,825
And that, is why in my opinion, the
movie Cocoon, is pure pornography.
649
01:17:07,825 --> 01:17:11,825
- Who brought this twinkly man?
- Twinkly, but deadly.
650
01:17:11,925 --> 01:17:20,525
My chrome-penised friend back there, has agreed to do me this
solid. In exchange, I said I would consider joining his boy band.
651
01:17:20,625 --> 01:17:23,825
- It's not boy band.
- Sure, it's not.
652
01:17:23,825 --> 01:17:32,825
- So, any luck winning Gita back?
- I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool, but Bandu
is more craftier and handsomer than me.
653
01:17:32,925 --> 01:17:35,825
Well, I think you're pretty darn cute.
654
01:17:40,825 --> 01:17:42,825
- Dopinder?
- Hmm?
655
01:17:44,425 --> 01:17:53,525
- What was that?
- That was........ Bandu, in the trunk?
656
01:17:53,625 --> 01:17:56,825
- Ban-who?
- My romantic rival, Bandu.
657
01:17:56,925 --> 01:18:03,825
He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing as you said, DP, I plan to gut
him like a tandoori fish then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep.
658
01:18:03,925 --> 01:18:08,825
I did not tell him to do that! Absolutely
not! We got lost in translation!
659
01:18:08,925 --> 01:18:13,125
Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's
heart back! (I'm so proud of you.)
660
01:18:13,225 --> 01:18:16,525
Drop Bandu off safe
and gentle-like. (Kill him.)
661
01:18:16,625 --> 01:18:22,825
And then, win Gita back the old-fashioned
way, with your boyish charm! (Kidnap her.)
662
01:18:23,825 --> 01:18:25,825
He's super dead.
663
01:18:30,825 --> 01:18:34,825
- I presume a crisp high-five?
- For you? Ten!
664
01:18:35,325 --> 01:18:39,825
Okay, guys, let's get out there and make
a difference! (You know what to do.)
665
01:18:41,225 --> 01:18:42,825
Knock 'em dead, pool boy!
666
01:18:44,825 --> 01:18:47,425
Time to make the
chimi-fucking-changas.
667
01:18:48,525 --> 01:18:57,325
Not often a dude ruins your face, skullstomps your sanity, grabs your baby mama and personally sees thru 4 of your 5 shittiest moments.
668
01:18:57,425 --> 01:19:01,825
Let's just say it's beginning
to look a lot like Christmas.
669
01:19:14,425 --> 01:19:17,825
Hey, where's your duffel bag?
670
01:19:40,825 --> 01:19:45,825
Goddammit! We'll do this the old-
fashioned way. With two swords..
671
01:19:46,925 --> 01:19:48,325
... and maximum effort.
672
01:19:48,425 --> 01:19:50,825
Cue the music.
673
01:20:05,825 --> 01:20:07,825
Wade Wilson!
674
01:20:08,825 --> 01:20:12,825
- What's my name?
- Ooh, I'mma fucking spell it out for 'ya.
675
01:20:14,825 --> 01:20:19,825
- Go get some.
- Superhero landing. She's gonna
do a superhero landing, wait for it!
676
01:20:23,825 --> 01:20:28,825
Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard
on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it.
677
01:20:28,925 --> 01:20:33,525
You're a lovely lady but I'm saving myself
for Francis. That's why I brought him.
678
01:20:33,675 --> 01:20:37,825
I'd prefer not to hit a
woman, so please----
679
01:20:43,825 --> 01:20:46,825
I mean, that's why I brought her?
680
01:20:48,525 --> 01:20:53,825
Oh no. Finish your tweet. Just give us
a second. Here you go. Hash tag it.
681
01:20:54,825 --> 01:20:56,825
Go get her, tiger.
682
01:21:03,825 --> 01:21:07,825
I so pity the dude who
pressures her into prom sex.
683
01:21:07,925 --> 01:21:10,125
Alright then. Fire!
684
01:21:21,325 --> 01:21:23,015
Finish fucking her the fuck off!
685
01:21:23,225 --> 01:21:25,325
- Language, please.
- Suck a cock!
686
01:21:51,375 --> 01:21:55,125
Look away, child. Look away!
687
01:22:01,825 --> 01:22:06,825
- Wait! Wait!
- Cease fire! Cease fire!
688
01:22:06,925 --> 01:22:13,825
Fellas, hey, you only work for
that shit-spackled Muppet fart.
689
01:22:13,925 --> 01:22:22,625
So, I'mma give you a chance for y'all to lay down your firearms
in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle, possibly...
690
01:22:22,825 --> 01:22:25,225
... even lover-like treatment.
691
01:22:26,825 --> 01:22:29,425
Fine! Commando!
692
01:23:41,425 --> 01:23:42,825
Teabag!
693
01:23:45,825 --> 01:23:49,225
- Bob?
- Wade?
694
01:23:49,425 --> 01:23:53,225
- Oh my God, I haven't seen you since, TGIFridays!
- Jacksonville. Fridays.
695
01:23:53,825 --> 01:23:58,425
What the hell! God!
Come here, you.
696
01:23:59,825 --> 01:24:06,825
How are the kids? Good? And Gail, is she still
fixing that tuna casserole? It's so good, but bad for...
697
01:24:13,825 --> 01:24:22,825
- Your... on the left... You are beautiful...
- That is so sweet! Thanks!
698
01:24:32,825 --> 01:24:36,825
Does he write you notes,
too? He's such a romantic.
699
01:24:36,925 --> 01:24:38,825
Don't worry, baby. I'm coming.
700
01:24:39,825 --> 01:24:41,125
Fire!
701
01:24:47,825 --> 01:24:51,825
Hey! Climb on.
702
01:25:40,825 --> 01:25:44,825
Motherfucker shoulda
worn his brown pants.
703
01:25:45,825 --> 01:25:51,425
- You were right, beautiful.
Red really is my color.
- Wade?
704
01:25:51,525 --> 01:25:55,475
Don't worry, baby. I'mma
get you outta that shitbox.
705
01:25:55,625 --> 01:25:59,825
- What better way to crawl back
inside that head of yours.
- Oh, you never left.
706
01:25:59,925 --> 01:26:03,825
- But you did, asshole!
- Deep breath, darling.
707
01:26:04,825 --> 01:26:09,825
No wait.... Wrong
choice of words.
708
01:26:10,825 --> 01:26:15,225
Well I hope they've blocked pain to your
every last nerve. 'Cause I'mma go looking!
709
01:26:16,625 --> 01:26:21,925
I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade.
When I'm finished, what's left to grow back you?
710
01:26:22,075 --> 01:26:25,825
Good one.... Yup.
That was a good one.
711
01:26:25,925 --> 01:26:31,325
Let's dance. And by "dance", I
mean let's try to kill each other.
712
01:27:25,425 --> 01:27:30,825
- Fine. Fists.
- Sounds like your last Saturday night.
713
01:28:50,825 --> 01:28:54,825
Asshole!
714
01:29:49,825 --> 01:29:54,825
- Hang in there, baby. I got you.
- Wade!
715
01:29:56,825 --> 01:29:59,525
I got a plan. You're
not gonna like it.
716
01:30:08,825 --> 01:30:11,825
Shit, shit, shit!
717
01:30:15,825 --> 01:30:19,825
Don't worry! I'm
totally on top of this.
718
01:30:34,825 --> 01:30:39,825
Dammit! Maximum effort!
719
01:31:21,825 --> 01:31:23,825
Thanks.
720
01:31:27,825 --> 01:23:30,825
Just take it slow.
721
01:31:40,225 --> 01:31:43,525
Oh, my God! That was so awe---
722
01:32:16,225 --> 01:32:22,625
- Me and you, are headed
to fix this butter face!
- What?
723
01:32:23,825 --> 01:32:27,125
You sure are a fucking idiot.
724
01:32:27,325 --> 01:32:33,425
Did you really think
there was a cure, for that?
725
01:32:33,825 --> 01:32:37,825
- What?
- You heard me.
726
01:32:37,925 --> 01:32:40,825
No, no!
727
01:32:47,825 --> 01:32:56,125
So, you mean to say...
After all this, you can't fix me?
728
01:32:56,325 --> 01:32:59,025
It sounds even
stupider when you say it.
729
01:32:59,225 --> 01:33:03,825
Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't
do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?
730
01:33:07,825 --> 01:33:09,825
Any last words?
731
01:33:10,825 --> 01:33:14,825
- What's my name?
- Who fucking cares!
732
01:33:14,925 --> 01:33:16,425
Wade!
733
01:33:16,825 --> 01:33:20,825
- Four or five moments.
- I'm sorry?
734
01:33:20,925 --> 01:33:25,825
- Four or five moments, that's all it takes.
- To...?
735
01:33:25,925 --> 01:33:27,825
Be a hero.
736
01:33:29,225 --> 01:33:38,625
Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero.
Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true.
737
01:33:38,825 --> 01:33:43,825
Over a lifetime, there are only 4
or 5 moments that really matter.
738
01:33:43,925 --> 01:33:46,625
Moments when you're offered a choice.
739
01:33:46,825 --> 01:33:50,825
To make a sacrifice, conquer
a flaw, save a friend...
740
01:33:51,325 --> 01:33:54,825
... spare an enemy.
741
01:33:54,925 --> 01:33:59,825
In these moments, everything else falls away.
742
01:33:59,925 --> 01:34:04,825
The way the world sees us.
The way we---
743
01:34:42,691 --> 01:34:47,591
- What the fuck am I gonna tell her?
- Well, you better figure it out.
744
01:34:49,591 --> 01:34:54,091
I can't even tell you... I deserve that...
that too.. No, no, no, maybe not the nethers.
745
01:34:54,391 --> 01:34:56,591
Start talking!
746
01:34:57,991 --> 01:35:05,191
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. For
everything. I'm sorry for leaving,
747
01:35:05,591 --> 01:35:12,591
- I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner...
It's been a rough couple of years.
- Rough?
748
01:35:18,591 --> 01:35:23,591
I live in a crackhouse.
With a family of 12...
749
01:35:24,991 --> 01:35:29,591
Every night we spoon for warmth, everybody
fights for Noelle. She's the fattest.
750
01:35:29,691 --> 01:35:35,591
There is nothing that we don't share.
Floor space, dental floss, even condoms.
751
01:35:43,591 --> 01:35:46,271
So you live in a house?
752
01:35:54,591 --> 01:35:57,591
I should've come
and found you sooner.
753
01:35:58,591 --> 01:36:03,591
But everything under this mask,
he ain't the same one you remember.
754
01:36:07,591 --> 01:36:09,591
You made this mask?
755
01:36:28,591 --> 01:36:33,891
And this one. In case
the other fell off.
756
01:36:38,591 --> 01:36:45,591
Like a band-aid. Just... Audi 5000.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
757
01:36:45,691 --> 01:36:47,591
Are you sure?
758
01:36:48,591 --> 01:36:50,591
I'm sure.
759
01:37:00,591 --> 01:37:03,591
- Wow.
- Yeah.
760
01:37:10,689 --> 01:37:15,689
After a brief adjustment period,
and a bunch of drinks..
761
01:37:15,779 --> 01:37:18,689
It's a face...
762
01:37:21,689 --> 01:37:24,689
I'd be happy to sit on.
763
01:37:31,689 --> 01:37:38,689
But I'm not the same underneath
this suit either. Super-penis.
764
01:37:38,789 --> 01:37:42,689
Come on, Wade, language.
Young one is present.
765
01:37:43,689 --> 01:37:47,689
What are you still doing ---- Get
outta here, go make yourself useful.
766
01:37:47,789 --> 01:37:52,789
You, go be a really big brother to someone.
Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn.
767
01:37:52,889 --> 01:37:58,589
And you, chicken noodle. Nothing
Compares 2 U. Sinead O'Connor, 1990. Sorry.
768
01:37:58,689 --> 01:38:04,689
- That's all right. You're cool.
- What in the ass?
769
01:38:04,789 --> 01:38:11,689
- That was not mean! I'm proud of you!
- We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade.
770
01:38:11,789 --> 01:38:17,689
You know, for a second there, it felt like we were 3 mini
lion robots coming together to form one super robot.
771
01:38:17,689 --> 01:38:20,689
- This was stupid.
- Yeah.
772
01:38:23,689 --> 01:38:28,689
And now, for the moment
I've all been waiting for.
773
01:38:31,689 --> 01:38:33,689
Come here.
774
01:38:42,689 --> 01:38:46,689
WHAM! As promised.
775
01:38:58,689 --> 01:39:02,689
See? You don't need to be
a superhero to get the girl.
776
01:39:03,689 --> 01:39:06,689
The right girl will bring
out the hero in you.
777
01:39:06,789 --> 01:39:14,989
Now, let's finish this epic wide shot, pull out, here we go...
Looks nice, not gonna be the only thing that's pulling out tonight.
778
01:39:15,089 --> 01:39:21,689
Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? Until next
time, this is your friendly neighborhood Pool guy singing...
779
01:39:45,786 --> 01:39:47,786
You're still here.
780
01:39:49,786 --> 01:39:53,086
It's over! Go home!
781
01:39:54,336 --> 01:39:59,386
Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2.
Well, we don't have that kind of money.
782
01:39:59,586 --> 01:40:07,786
What were you expecting, Sam Jackson'll
show up? Eye patch? Saucy leather? Go, go.
783
01:40:12,186 --> 01:40:15,786
Oh! But I can tell you one thing
and it's a bit of a secret.
784
01:40:15,786 --> 01:40:22,786
In the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character.
Bionic arm, time-travel. We have no idea who to cast yet,
785
01:40:22,886 --> 01:40:25,386
but it could be anybody. Just
take a big guy with a flat top.
786
01:40:25,486 --> 01:40:31,786
Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley.
She's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret.
787
01:40:31,986 --> 01:40:37,386
And don't leave your garbage rotting
around. It's a total dick move. Go.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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