00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:02:50,893 --> 00:02:53,393 I'm kinda lonesome back here. 2 00:02:54,893 --> 00:03:01,193 - Little help... - Just... I have to keep my hands on the wheel. 3 00:03:02,264 --> 00:03:03,264 Excuse me! 4 00:03:05,887 --> 00:03:08,387 - Dopinder. - Pool. Dead. 5 00:03:10,887 --> 00:03:13,764 - Nice! - Smells good, no? 6 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:15,640 Not the daffodil daydream. The girl. 7 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:19,340 Yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. 8 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:23,240 She would have made me a very agreeable wife. But... 9 00:03:23,340 --> 00:03:27,140 Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin, Bandu. 10 00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:31,740 He is as dishonorable as he is attractive. 11 00:03:32,340 --> 00:03:36,740 Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's a reason I'm in this cab today. 12 00:03:36,940 --> 00:03:40,840 - Yes, sir, you called for it, remember? - No, my slender, brown friend. Love... 13 00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:46,840 ... is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the whole world tastes like daffodil daydream. 14 00:03:46,940 --> 00:03:50,640 So you gotta hold on to love. Tight! 15 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,840 And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did, got it? 16 00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:58,940 Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga. 17 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,740 Sir, what does Ms Mama June taste like? 18 00:04:01,940 --> 00:04:07,840 Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is it's bad. 19 00:04:09,340 --> 00:04:12,140 Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? 20 00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:16,740 Oh, that's because it's Christmas day, Dopinder, and I'm after someone on my naughty list. 21 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:23,840 I've been waiting, 1 year, 3 weeks, 6 days and--- 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me. 22 00:04:23,913 --> 00:04:27,913 - And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool? - This shit. 23 00:04:29,913 --> 00:04:30,813 Boo! 24 00:04:50,913 --> 00:04:54,913 - They won't disappoint. - They'd better not! 25 00:04:55,013 --> 00:04:58,313 - What about next month's shipment? - There won't be one. 26 00:04:59,073 --> 00:05:01,383 You're not the only one with a war to win. 27 00:05:01,913 --> 00:05:04,113 That won't do. 28 00:05:05,913 --> 00:05:10,613 See, we've had this small disruption to our supply trade. 29 00:05:13,968 --> 00:05:17,968 We'd appreciate your patience. 30 00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:20,568 Okay... 31 00:05:20,595 --> 00:05:22,495 We'll deliver in full the following month. 32 00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:28,393 Pleasure doing business with you. 33 00:05:31,393 --> 00:05:33,393 Fucking mutant! 34 00:05:43,393 --> 00:05:46,393 Shit! I forgot my ammo bag! 35 00:05:46,493 --> 00:05:50,893 - Shall we turn back? - No time. Fuck it. I got this. 36 00:05:51,093 --> 00:05:55,393 9, 10, 11, 12 bullets. Or bust. Right here! 37 00:05:57,393 --> 00:05:59,793 That's $27.50. 38 00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:03,893 I never carry a wallet while I'm working. Ruins the lines of my suit. 39 00:06:04,393 --> 00:06:07,066 - But how 'bout a crisp high-five? - Okay. 40 00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:08,483 Merry Christmas! 41 00:06:09,018 --> 00:06:12,118 And a convivial Tuesday and April to you, Pool! 42 00:06:32,327 --> 00:06:35,127 Oh! Oh, hello! 43 00:06:35,327 --> 00:06:41,327 I know, right? Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? 44 00:06:41,427 --> 00:06:46,227 I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "Pulverine". And lemme tell you... 45 00:06:46,427 --> 00:06:50,327 He's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under! 46 00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:54,377 Anyway. I got places to be. A face to fix. And, oh! 47 00:06:54,427 --> 00:06:56,627 Bad guys to kill. 48 00:07:02,327 --> 00:07:04,327 Maximum effort. 49 00:07:13,327 --> 00:07:14,927 Cock shot! 50 00:07:22,327 --> 00:07:25,327 Rich! Corinthian leather! 51 00:07:26,327 --> 00:07:28,927 I'm looking for Francis! 52 00:07:29,127 --> 00:07:31,027 Have you seen this man? 53 00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:42,827 Yanking, yanking! 54 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,027 I've never said this, but don't swallow. 55 00:08:38,327 --> 00:08:41,927 Shit. Did I leave the stove on? 56 00:08:59,227 --> 00:09:01,127 Now, breaking news. 57 00:09:01,327 --> 00:09:05,327 A multi-car collision turned shots fired on the crosstown expressway this morning. 58 00:09:05,427 --> 00:09:10,027 Gridlock has kept police from the scene. Residents are advised to remain in their homes. 59 00:09:10,327 --> 00:09:13,327 The assailant appears to be armed, dangerous, and wearing a... 60 00:09:13,427 --> 00:09:16,327 Red suit. Deadpool. 61 00:09:16,427 --> 00:09:19,527 Negasonic! Come. We have mission. 62 00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:22,227 Colossus, wait up. 63 00:09:22,327 --> 00:09:25,827 I've given Deadpool every chance to join us. 64 00:09:26,027 --> 00:09:30,827 But he'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. 65 00:09:31,027 --> 00:09:34,727 When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man? 66 00:09:34,927 --> 00:09:39,027 Which benefits, the matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years? 67 00:09:39,327 --> 00:09:42,327 Please. House blowing up builds character. 68 00:09:42,427 --> 00:09:47,727 You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. 69 00:09:47,927 --> 00:09:52,027 Here. Protein bar. Good for bones. 70 00:09:52,227 --> 00:09:54,827 Deadpool may try to break yours. 71 00:10:22,327 --> 00:10:23,927 Hey! 72 00:10:34,527 --> 00:10:38,427 Wait! You may be wondering why the red suit. 73 00:10:38,627 --> 00:10:41,227 Well that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. 74 00:10:41,327 --> 00:10:44,227 This guy's got the right idea. He wore the brown pants. 75 00:10:46,327 --> 00:10:50,027 Fine! I only have 12 bullets, so you're gonna have to share! 76 00:10:50,227 --> 00:10:51,827 Let's count 'em down! 77 00:11:11,927 --> 00:11:17,227 Shit, motherfucker! 78 00:11:17,327 --> 00:11:19,127 Ten! Shit. 79 00:11:19,327 --> 00:11:23,927 Nine! Fuck. Eight. Shit-fuck! 80 00:11:27,127 --> 00:11:28,927 Bad Deadpool. 81 00:11:29,727 --> 00:11:32,327 Seven. Good Deadpool! 82 00:11:54,127 --> 00:11:56,127 Someone's not counting. 83 00:11:56,227 --> 00:11:57,327 Six! 84 00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:25,327 Four... 85 00:12:27,027 --> 00:12:28,327 Gotcha! 86 00:12:29,327 --> 00:12:31,827 Right up main street! 87 00:12:35,327 --> 00:12:39,027 Three, two! Stupid! Worth it. 88 00:13:04,327 --> 00:13:07,327 I'm touching myself tonight. 89 00:13:07,427 --> 00:13:10,327 Francis! Francis! 90 00:13:12,327 --> 00:13:16,927 What the shitbiscuit! Where you at, Francis? 91 00:13:25,327 --> 00:13:27,327 You're not Francis! 92 00:13:34,327 --> 00:13:37,327 Really? Rolling up the sleeves? 93 00:13:46,327 --> 00:13:55,027 You're probably thinking, "my boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking 94 00:13:55,127 --> 00:13:58,927 Well, I may be super. But I'm no hero. 95 00:13:59,327 --> 00:14:03,927 Anyhow, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. 96 00:14:04,127 --> 00:14:08,177 And that's exactly what this is: a love story. And to tell it right, 97 00:14:08,277 --> 00:14:13,127 I gotta take you back to long before I squeeze this ass into red spandex. 98 00:14:13,327 --> 00:14:18,927 Look, would it help if I slow it down for you? I didn't order the pizza. 99 00:14:19,127 --> 00:14:22,227 Is this 7348 Redledge Drive? 100 00:14:22,327 --> 00:14:27,127 - Are you Mr. Merchant? - The Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie! 101 00:14:27,427 --> 00:14:29,927 - Who placed the call? - I did! 102 00:14:31,327 --> 00:14:36,927 Pineapple and olive? Sweet and salty! 103 00:14:37,027 --> 00:14:39,927 The fuck are you? The fuck are you doing in my crib? 104 00:14:40,127 --> 00:14:43,527 - Is that bread crust? Don't move! - God, I hope not. 105 00:14:43,627 --> 00:14:47,327 Look, is this about that poker game? I told Howie... 106 00:14:49,327 --> 00:14:52,327 - Just take whatever you want. - Thanks! 107 00:14:52,727 --> 00:14:56,527 Sir, before you do anything to him, do you mind if I get a big tip? 108 00:14:58,327 --> 00:15:01,327 - Jeremy, is it? Wade Wilson. - Yeah. 109 00:15:01,427 --> 00:15:05,027 That is a no go on the tip-aroo, Jer. 110 00:15:05,127 --> 00:15:08,327 I'm not here for him. I'm here for you. 111 00:15:09,327 --> 00:15:14,127 - I dodged a big-time bullet on that one! - Not, out of the woods yet. 112 00:15:14,327 --> 00:15:19,127 You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They're jeans, not a chandelier. 113 00:15:19,227 --> 00:15:21,327 P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kind of give it to me. 114 00:15:21,527 --> 00:15:26,027 - Just look, man, can I have my--- - I will shoot your fucking cat. 115 00:15:26,327 --> 00:15:28,327 I don't really know what that means, I don't have a cat. 116 00:15:28,627 --> 00:15:31,327 Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in? 117 00:15:34,327 --> 00:15:35,627 Anywho... 118 00:15:35,927 --> 00:15:40,327 Tell me something. What situation isn't improved by pizza? 119 00:15:40,627 --> 00:15:44,927 Do you happen to know a Megan Orflosky? Get that right? Orflovsky? 120 00:15:47,327 --> 00:15:50,027 'Cause she knows you. Jeremy... 121 00:15:50,327 --> 00:15:53,727 I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. 122 00:15:53,927 --> 00:15:58,527 And little Megan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot. 123 00:15:59,327 --> 00:16:01,327 - I'm..... - A stalker. 124 00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:06,327 Threats hurt, Jer. Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel. 125 00:16:06,427 --> 00:16:12,327 - So keep away from Megan. Cool? - Yes, sir. 126 00:16:12,427 --> 00:16:15,327 - And we're done. - Wait, we are? 127 00:16:15,427 --> 00:16:19,127 Totally done. You should've seen your face! 128 00:16:19,327 --> 00:16:22,327 - I didn't know what to do, I was so scared... - Soft spot, remember? 129 00:16:23,327 --> 00:16:29,327 Even look in her general direction again and you will learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots, too. 130 00:16:30,327 --> 00:16:32,327 That came out wrong. 131 00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:35,327 Or did it? 132 00:16:47,327 --> 00:16:49,327 Megan. 133 00:16:51,327 --> 00:16:54,527 You've heard the last of Jeremy. He's sorry. 134 00:16:54,827 --> 00:16:57,327 No friggin' way. 135 00:17:01,327 --> 00:17:04,327 Should've brought my roller blades. Show these kids how it's done. 136 00:17:04,527 --> 00:17:07,327 And that's why we do it. But mostly the money. 137 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,327 Hey. Think you can fuck up my step dad? 138 00:17:09,527 --> 00:17:12,327 If I can give the guy a pavement facial, it's 'cause he's earned it. 139 00:17:12,627 --> 00:17:14,327 Hey, wait. 140 00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:19,327 - You're my hero. - No, no, no, no, no. That, I ain't. 141 00:17:21,327 --> 00:17:26,127 Nope. Never will be. - Fuck you, Wade. 142 00:17:26,227 --> 00:17:29,327 I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. 143 00:17:30,327 --> 00:17:35,327 Welcome to Sister Margaret's. It's like a job fair for mercenaries. 144 00:17:35,427 --> 00:17:40,027 Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. 145 00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:45,327 You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card. (Buck! Liefeld.) 146 00:17:45,527 --> 00:17:48,327 - Hey, Wade! - Wade Wilson. Patron Saint of the Pitiful. 147 00:17:48,427 --> 00:17:51,327 - What can I do for you? - I'd love a blowjob. 148 00:17:51,427 --> 00:17:55,627 - Oh, God, me too. - The drink. With snuggle. But first... 149 00:17:56,327 --> 00:18:01,327 - Hey, I ain't taking any babysitting money, make sure that gets back to Miss... - Orlovsky? 150 00:18:02,327 --> 00:18:04,327 - You sure? - Hmm. 151 00:18:04,427 --> 00:18:08,127 For a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. Bet you let the kid off easy, too. 152 00:18:08,327 --> 00:18:15,327 He's not a bad kid. Just a little light stalking. I was way worse when I was his age, travelling to exotic places... 153 00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:19,327 Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then.. 154 00:18:19,427 --> 00:18:24,627 Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your instagram. So what were special forces doing in Jacksonville? 155 00:18:24,827 --> 00:18:28,327 That's classified. They have wonderful TGIFridays! 156 00:18:28,427 --> 00:18:32,327 Alright, kahlua, baileys and whipped cream. 157 00:18:32,427 --> 00:18:34,327 I give you, a blowjob. I'm--- 158 00:18:34,427 --> 00:18:37,327 - Why do you make me make that? - Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... 159 00:18:37,427 --> 00:18:41,627 Take that over there to Buck, please and tell him it's from Booth. Little foreplay. 160 00:18:41,827 --> 00:18:46,327 - Remind me what good will come of this? - I don't take the shits, I just disturb them. 161 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,327 What you want? 162 00:18:51,327 --> 00:18:55,327 - Cheers. To your health. - Fuck you. 163 00:18:56,327 --> 00:18:58,327 That's a new stool. 164 00:19:03,327 --> 00:19:05,327 Stay the fuck down. 165 00:19:09,327 --> 00:19:11,427 Alright, move, move, move, move. 166 00:19:11,527 --> 00:19:12,527 Buck, go rest. 167 00:19:19,327 --> 00:19:21,327 He's still breathing. 168 00:19:23,327 --> 00:19:27,327 Nobody wins today. Nice try, Wade. 169 00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:30,327 You got me. I picked Booth in the dead pool. Who did you pick? 170 00:19:31,327 --> 00:19:36,327 - You know, Wade, about that.... - No. You did not bet on me to die. 171 00:19:38,327 --> 00:19:43,127 You bet on me to die. Wow. Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. 172 00:19:43,327 --> 00:19:48,327 Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. And then die. At the city of Detroit. 173 00:19:48,427 --> 00:19:52,127 Sorry. I wanted to win money. I never win anything. 174 00:19:52,327 --> 00:19:56,327 - Whatever. Soldiers of fortune, drink's on me! - Yeah! 175 00:19:57,327 --> 00:19:59,327 Domestic! Nothing imported. 176 00:20:01,327 --> 00:20:03,727 Woah, woah, woah. Baby... 177 00:20:04,327 --> 00:20:06,327 Are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad? 178 00:20:09,327 --> 00:20:11,327 Tight. 179 00:20:11,827 --> 00:20:13,827 - Vanessa. - Wade. 180 00:20:14,327 --> 00:20:17,327 What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this? 181 00:20:17,427 --> 00:20:19,327 I'd hit that. 182 00:20:20,327 --> 00:20:24,327 Buck, you'd best apologize before--- yeah. That. 183 00:20:24,427 --> 00:20:27,327 - Say the magic words, fat Gandalf. - I'm sorry. 184 00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:31,327 - Breathe through the nose. - I don't have a filter between my brain and my... 185 00:20:31,427 --> 00:20:35,327 Okay, hey. Hakuna his tatas, he's sorry! 186 00:20:35,427 --> 00:20:40,327 - Get outta here. Go cast a spell. - Hey, hands off the merchandise. 187 00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:45,327 Merchandise, huh. So you... 188 00:20:45,427 --> 00:20:48,327 - Fun fuzzies for money? - Yup. 189 00:20:48,427 --> 00:20:52,127 - Rough childhood? - Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born. 190 00:20:52,327 --> 00:20:55,327 Daddy left before I was conceived. 191 00:20:55,427 --> 00:20:58,327 - Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? - Where else do you put one out? 192 00:20:58,427 --> 00:21:01,127 - I was molested. - Me, too. Uncle. 193 00:21:01,327 --> 00:21:07,327 - Uncles. They took turns. - I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet which also happens to be my... 194 00:21:07,427 --> 00:21:11,327 Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box. 195 00:21:11,427 --> 00:21:18,627 You had a dishwasher. I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball kegs, brownie mix and clown porn. 196 00:21:21,327 --> 00:21:23,327 Who would do such a thing? 197 00:21:24,327 --> 00:21:28,327 Hopefully, you. Later tonight? 198 00:21:31,327 --> 00:21:38,327 What can I get for 275 dollars and a yogurt rewards card? 199 00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:41,327 Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. 200 00:21:42,327 --> 00:21:45,327 And a low-fat dessert. 201 00:21:51,327 --> 00:21:54,327 Did she just put a gift card in your mouth? 202 00:21:55,327 --> 00:21:58,327 It's time to put balls in holes. 203 00:21:58,427 --> 00:22:01,327 - You said whatever I want. - I get it. 204 00:22:02,327 --> 00:22:07,327 - You love ski ball. Apparently more than you love vagina. - That's a tough call. 205 00:22:07,627 --> 00:22:14,327 I just wanna get to know the real you. Not the short- shorted 2-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood. 206 00:22:15,327 --> 00:22:17,327 Balls in holes. 207 00:22:18,327 --> 00:22:21,327 - Prepare to lose tragically. - Bring it, big man. 208 00:22:28,327 --> 00:22:35,327 A limited edition Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. 209 00:22:33,327 --> 00:22:35,327 Okay. Here you go. 210 00:22:36,327 --> 00:22:38,327 I had this sucker for a while. 211 00:22:38,427 --> 00:22:40,827 - And I will take the pencil eraser. - Okay. 212 00:22:41,327 --> 00:22:48,327 You are now the proud protector of the planet Arus. And you, can erase stuff. Written in pencil. 213 00:22:48,427 --> 00:22:53,327 - Milady. - I hate to break it to you, but your 48 minutes are up. 214 00:22:53,827 --> 00:22:56,327 How many more minutes could I get for this? 215 00:22:56,427 --> 00:23:01,327 FYI, 5 mini lion bots come together to form 1 superbot. 216 00:23:01,427 --> 00:23:08,627 - 5 mini lion bots? 3 minutes. - Deal. What do we do with the remaining 2:37? 217 00:23:08,827 --> 00:23:09,827 Cuddle? 218 00:23:14,327 --> 00:23:18,327 - How long can we keep this up? - All year? 219 00:23:27,327 --> 00:23:30,327 Happy Valentines' Day. 220 00:23:36,327 --> 00:23:40,327 - Happy Chinese New Year. - Year of the Dog. 221 00:23:45,327 --> 00:23:50,327 Relax... and happy International Women's Day. 222 00:23:59,327 --> 00:24:01,327 Happy Lenten. 223 00:24:05,327 --> 00:24:10,327 - Wade! - Sorry. Happy Halloween! 224 00:24:18,327 --> 00:24:21,327 Happy Thanksgiving. 225 00:24:22,327 --> 00:24:24,327 I love you. 226 00:24:27,327 --> 00:24:31,327 If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas... 227 00:24:31,927 --> 00:24:35,327 Can I visit you between the holidays? 228 00:24:35,427 --> 00:24:38,327 That sweater is terrible! 229 00:24:39,327 --> 00:24:41,327 But red looks good on you. 230 00:24:41,427 --> 00:24:44,327 Red's your color. Mine's like the bloodshot in your eyes. 231 00:24:44,727 --> 00:24:46,627 - Listen. I've been thinking. - Really? 232 00:24:48,327 --> 00:24:51,327 - 'Bout why we're so good together. - Why is that? 233 00:24:52,327 --> 00:24:56,327 Your crazy matches my crazy. Bigtime. 234 00:24:57,327 --> 00:25:01,327 And we're like 2 jigsaw pieces. Weird curvy edges? 235 00:25:01,427 --> 00:25:05,327 - You put them together and you can see the picture on top. - Right. 236 00:25:06,327 --> 00:25:10,327 Wade... There's something I've been meaning to ask you. 237 00:25:10,427 --> 00:25:13,327 But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me. 238 00:25:14,327 --> 00:25:16,327 Will you... 239 00:25:17,327 --> 00:25:20,327 - Stick it up my--- - ...Marry me? 240 00:25:21,327 --> 00:25:23,327 Uh... Jinx? 241 00:25:25,327 --> 00:25:27,327 - Where were you hiding that? - Nowhere. 242 00:25:27,427 --> 00:25:30,727 - They said 1-month salary, so ... - You mean... 243 00:25:30,927 --> 00:25:33,327 - I do. - That's my line. 244 00:25:36,327 --> 00:25:40,027 - I love you, Wade Wilson. - You're supposed to... So that's a... 245 00:25:40,327 --> 00:25:42,327 - Yes! - Woo! Yes! 246 00:25:45,327 --> 00:25:47,327 I feel just like a little girl! 247 00:25:52,327 --> 00:25:58,327 - What if I just held on and never let go? - Just ride the bitch's back like Yoda on Luke. 248 00:25:58,427 --> 00:26:02,327 - Star Wars jokes! - Empire! 249 00:26:03,327 --> 00:26:06,327 Jesus Christ, it's like I made you in a computer! 250 00:26:12,327 --> 00:26:14,327 Perfect. 251 00:26:18,327 --> 00:26:21,327 Pee break. Shake it, yeah. 252 00:26:26,327 --> 00:26:28,327 Here's the thing: 253 00:26:28,427 --> 00:26:33,327 Life is an endless series of train wrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. 254 00:26:34,327 --> 00:26:38,327 This had been the ultimate commercial break. 255 00:26:39,327 --> 00:26:43,327 Which meant it was time to return, to our regularly scheduled programme. 256 00:26:43,627 --> 00:26:46,327 - What the fu..... - Oh my God, Wade! 257 00:26:52,327 --> 00:26:57,327 You're clowning. You're not clowning. I sense clowns. 258 00:26:57,827 --> 00:27:01,327 People react to news of late- stage cancer differently. 259 00:27:01,427 --> 00:27:06,327 There are certainly options we can look into. New drugs are being developed every day. 260 00:27:09,327 --> 00:27:14,327 So what do we do? Surely, there is something we can do. 261 00:27:14,427 --> 00:27:20,627 My Uncle Ivan was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer and there were all these experimental drugs from Germany... 262 00:27:20,827 --> 00:27:24,327 Vanessa's already working on plan A, B, all the way through Z. 263 00:27:25,327 --> 00:27:31,527 Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. Like it's the first time I'm seeing it. 264 00:27:31,927 --> 00:27:34,327 - Or the last... - Mr. Wilson, Mr. Wilson? 265 00:27:36,327 --> 00:27:42,327 Take your time to process this. It's important not to do anything rash. 266 00:27:53,327 --> 00:27:58,327 Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide? 267 00:28:24,327 --> 00:28:32,327 "A hush falls over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot." 268 00:28:33,327 --> 00:28:35,327 "His form looks good." 269 00:28:37,327 --> 00:28:41,827 "And that's why Regina rhymes with fun." 270 00:28:42,027 --> 00:28:46,627 "Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing is sweet, dick-kicking revenge!" 271 00:28:47,327 --> 00:28:51,327 "Giving him the business! Incoming!" 272 00:28:51,427 --> 00:28:55,327 "This is taking unsportsman-like conduct to a whole new level!" 273 00:29:00,327 --> 00:29:04,127 Looking good, Francis. Well-rested. Like you've been pitching, not catching. 274 00:29:04,327 --> 00:29:07,327 Ringing any bells? No? 275 00:29:11,327 --> 00:29:13,327 How 'bout now? 276 00:29:16,927 --> 00:29:19,327 Wade fucking Wilson. 277 00:29:21,327 --> 00:29:26,327 - Well, hello, gorgeous. - Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar Pei. 278 00:29:26,427 --> 00:29:31,327 And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? Time to undo what you did to this butter face. 279 00:29:31,327 --> 00:29:36,327 You should thank me. Apparently, I've made you immortal. I'm actually quite jealous. 280 00:29:36,427 --> 00:29:39,827 Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it? Now... 281 00:29:40,327 --> 00:29:45,327 I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90's. 282 00:29:46,327 --> 00:29:48,327 Dad? 283 00:29:51,327 --> 00:29:55,327 I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way. 284 00:29:56,327 --> 00:29:58,927 Well, maybe not the most. 285 00:29:59,927 --> 00:30:02,827 Now this, is my most prized possession. 286 00:30:03,327 --> 00:30:06,827 - Wham? - No, no, no, no. WHAM! 287 00:30:07,086 --> 00:30:10,327 Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point. 288 00:30:10,427 --> 00:30:14,327 So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door? 289 00:30:14,427 --> 00:30:17,327 Think of it like spring cleaning. Only if spring was death. 290 00:30:17,427 --> 00:30:21,327 God, if I had a nickel for everytime I spanked at the Bernadette Peters. 291 00:30:22,327 --> 00:30:25,360 Sounds like you have. Bernadette is not going... 292 00:30:25,385 --> 00:30:28,351 ...anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. 293 00:30:28,994 --> 00:30:30,294 - Drink. - You're right. 294 00:30:30,494 --> 00:30:33,994 Cancer's only in my liver, lungs, prostate and brain. All things I can live without. 295 00:30:35,994 --> 00:30:41,894 You belong here at home. Surrounded by your Voltron, and your Bernadette and your me. 296 00:30:41,994 --> 00:30:46,994 Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit show. 297 00:33:34,774 --> 00:33:37,874 Not a good one, like Slapchop, more Shakeweighty. 298 00:33:38,074 --> 00:33:43,074 The world needs extraordinary soldiers. We won't just make you better. 299 00:33:43,474 --> 00:33:46,274 We will make you better than better. 300 00:33:47,774 --> 00:33:49,349 A superhero. 301 00:33:49,374 --> 00:33:54,098 Look, Agent Smith, I tried the hero business and it left a mark. 302 00:33:54,174 --> 00:33:57,074 But if I ever hit fuck -it, I'll look you up. 303 00:33:58,074 --> 00:33:59,874 Oh. Shit. 304 00:34:00,074 --> 00:34:04,074 We're within 500 yards of the school. So you may wanna, you know... 305 00:34:07,074 --> 00:34:09,074 His drink's on him. 306 00:34:14,074 --> 00:34:16,074 What'd he say? 307 00:34:37,394 --> 00:34:38,812 Hey, what's going on? 308 00:34:39,907 --> 00:34:44,507 Hey, sorry. I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. 309 00:34:45,507 --> 00:34:48,807 I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. 310 00:34:58,807 --> 00:35:00,807 They made 3 of those movies. 311 00:35:01,807 --> 00:35:04,807 At some point, you'd have to wonder if he's just a bad parent. 312 00:35:18,807 --> 00:35:22,107 The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you. 313 00:35:22,807 --> 00:35:24,807 But what it does to the people you love. 314 00:35:26,807 --> 00:35:32,807 Who knew if this guy could save my life? But I knew there's only one way that I could save hers. 315 00:35:35,807 --> 00:35:38,397 Isn't that what superheroes do? 316 00:35:52,101 --> 00:35:56,101 Okay. Let's pro/con this superhero thing. 317 00:35:57,101 --> 00:36:02,901 Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass, local dry cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals, 318 00:36:03,101 --> 00:36:06,101 both origin stories and larger, ensemble team movies. 319 00:36:06,601 --> 00:36:09,701 Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets! 320 00:36:09,902 --> 00:36:14,002 - You know I can hear you. - Wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them. 321 00:36:14,101 --> 00:36:19,101 Stay right here. You've been warned before, Deadpool. 322 00:36:19,201 --> 00:36:24,601 This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will both be coming with us. 323 00:36:24,701 --> 00:36:31,101 Look Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now. And you are? 324 00:36:32,101 --> 00:36:34,101 Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 325 00:36:34,201 --> 00:36:37,701 Negasonic Teenage--- What the shit?! 326 00:36:37,902 --> 00:36:40,102 That's the coolest name ever! 327 00:36:41,101 --> 00:36:45,101 - So what, you're like his sidekick? - No. Trainee. 328 00:36:45,201 --> 00:36:50,601 - Let me guess, X-Men left you behind on what, shit detail? - What does that make you? 329 00:36:50,901 --> 00:36:54,101 Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Can we trade names? 330 00:36:55,101 --> 00:36:58,901 - Can we go? - "Look! I'm a teenage girl!" 331 00:36:59,101 --> 00:37:06,101 "I'd rather be anywhere than here. I'm all about long, sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences." 332 00:37:07,101 --> 00:37:12,101 So what's it gonna be? Long, sullen silence? Or mean comment? Go on. 333 00:37:14,101 --> 00:37:20,101 - You got me in a box here. - We can't allow this, Deadpool. Please, come quietly. 334 00:37:20,201 --> 00:37:23,101 - You big, chrome cockgobbler! - That's not nice. 335 00:37:23,201 --> 00:37:26,101 You really got to fuck this up for me? Trust me... 336 00:37:26,201 --> 00:37:32,101 That wheezing bag of dick-tits has it coming! He's pure evil! 337 00:37:32,201 --> 00:37:36,101 Besides, nobody's getting hurt. 338 00:37:41,101 --> 00:37:44,101 That guy was already up there when I got here. 339 00:37:44,201 --> 00:37:48,626 Wade, you are better than this. Join us, use your powers for good. 340 00:37:48,651 --> 00:37:50,125 Heads up! 341 00:37:50,201 --> 00:37:54,901 - Be a superhero. - Listen! The day I decide to be a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, 342 00:37:55,101 --> 00:38:03,701 who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners, at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, heaven's gate looking motherfucker, 343 00:38:03,901 --> 00:38:10,101 on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request. But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do. 344 00:38:10,201 --> 00:38:12,101 - Either that, or slap the bitch out of you! - Wade... 345 00:38:13,101 --> 00:38:16,701 - Hey. Hey, Douchepool! - Zip it, Sinead! 346 00:38:16,901 --> 00:38:19,101 And I hope you're watching... 347 00:38:22,101 --> 00:38:24,101 Quite unfortunate. 348 00:38:27,101 --> 00:38:30,101 That does it! 349 00:38:33,101 --> 00:38:35,101 Canada! 350 00:38:36,601 --> 00:38:40,101 - That's not good. Cock shot! - Wade, please. 351 00:38:41,101 --> 00:38:44,101 Oh, your poor wife! 352 00:38:44,201 --> 00:38:46,101 You really should stop. 353 00:38:48,401 --> 00:38:51,501 All the dinosaurs fear the T-Rex. 354 00:38:55,101 --> 00:38:59,101 - I promise this gets worse for you, big boy! - This is embarassing. 355 00:39:00,101 --> 00:39:02,101 Please. Stay down. 356 00:39:03,101 --> 00:39:05,801 Did you ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest? 357 00:39:05,901 --> 00:39:09,801 - Do you have 'off' switch? - Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the 'on' switch? 358 00:39:10,101 --> 00:39:11,401 Enough! 359 00:39:20,101 --> 00:39:22,101 Let us go talk to the Professor. 360 00:39:23,101 --> 00:39:27,701 McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing... 361 00:39:28,101 --> 00:39:33,501 - Dead or alive, you're coming with me! - You will recover, Wade. You always do. 362 00:39:39,101 --> 00:39:42,101 Did you ever see "127 Hours"? Spoiler alert! 363 00:39:46,101 --> 00:39:49,101 Oh my God. Nasty. 364 00:39:51,101 --> 00:39:57,101 Oh, there's the money shot, baby. Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. 365 00:40:07,101 --> 00:40:09,101 Rock, meet bottom. 366 00:40:10,101 --> 00:40:17,101 When life ends up breathtakingly fucked, you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. 367 00:40:17,201 --> 00:40:20,101 The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburg. 368 00:40:20,201 --> 00:40:23,101 This, well, this was mine. 369 00:40:24,101 --> 00:40:30,101 Mr. Wilson. Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. 370 00:40:31,101 --> 00:40:34,101 You've finally hit fuck-it. 371 00:40:34,201 --> 00:40:40,101 - Just promise you'll do right by me. So I can do right by someone else. - Of course. 372 00:40:41,101 --> 00:40:46,101 And please don't make the super-suit green. Or animated! 373 00:41:06,101 --> 00:41:11,101 This place seems sanitary. My first request is warmer hands. 374 00:41:11,201 --> 00:41:15,101 And Jesus! A warmer table. 375 00:41:16,101 --> 00:41:21,101 You should really come up with a safe word, fellas. I'm thinking 'pork and beans'. 376 00:41:23,576 --> 00:41:25,576 Easy! 377 00:41:26,576 --> 00:41:28,417 Aren't you a little strong for a lady? 378 00:41:29,395 --> 00:41:32,395 I'm calling Wang. 379 00:41:34,395 --> 00:41:39,395 What's up with the matches? Oral fixation? Or just a big Stallone fan? 380 00:41:40,395 --> 00:41:46,393 - Patience, Angel. All in good time. - Are you here for the turn down service or what? 381 00:41:47,660 --> 00:41:51,140 - We have another talker. - I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp. 382 00:41:51,340 --> 00:41:53,354 Shut the fuck up. 383 00:41:56,395 --> 00:42:01,395 Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax. I manage this workshop. 384 00:42:02,495 --> 00:42:05,395 All of my welcome speeches used to be filled with euphemisms like, 385 00:42:05,395 --> 00:42:09,395 "this may hurt a little," or "this might cause you some discomfort." 386 00:42:09,495 --> 00:42:13,795 But I'm going blunt. This workshop is not a government-led program. 387 00:42:14,395 --> 00:42:18,695 It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself into men of.... 388 00:42:19,395 --> 00:42:22,395 Extraordinary abilities. 389 00:42:23,395 --> 00:42:28,395 But if you think superhuman powers are acquired painlessly... Wrong. 390 00:42:28,895 --> 00:42:33,095 I'm injecting you with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. 391 00:42:33,295 --> 00:42:38,395 For it to work, we need to subject you to extreme stress. 392 00:42:42,395 --> 00:42:46,395 You've heard the whole, "make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, I hope. 393 00:42:46,795 --> 00:42:51,395 I'm about to hurt you, Wade. I was a patient here once myself, you know. 394 00:42:52,395 --> 00:42:57,395 The treatment affects everyone differently. It made Angel inhumanly strong. 395 00:42:58,395 --> 00:43:05,695 In my case, it enhanced my reflexes, also scorched my nerve endings so I no longer feel pain. 396 00:43:07,395 --> 00:43:10,995 And in fact, I no longer feel anything. 397 00:43:20,395 --> 00:43:24,395 Thank-- thank you! You have something in your teeth. 398 00:43:25,395 --> 00:43:30,395 Right in the middle there, just... Nugget of romaine lettuce or something. 399 00:43:32,395 --> 00:43:34,395 It's been bothering me for a long time. 400 00:43:36,395 --> 00:43:41,895 Made you look. Hey, is Ajax your actual name, because it sounds suspiciously made up. 401 00:43:41,995 --> 00:43:49,595 What is it really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott? Mitch? Rickster? Is it Basil Faulty? 402 00:43:49,704 --> 00:43:54,295 Joke away. One thing that never survives this place is your sense of humor. 403 00:43:54,395 --> 00:43:57,395 - We'll see about that. - I suppose we will. 404 00:43:58,395 --> 00:44:05,395 - He's all yours. - C'mon. You're gonna leave me all alone here with less angry Rosie O'Donnell? 405 00:44:09,395 --> 00:44:17,395 This is how it's going to work. Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so we're gonna have to make you suffer. 406 00:44:18,395 --> 00:44:23,395 If you're lucky, your mutant genes will activate and manifest in a spectacular fashion. 407 00:44:28,395 --> 00:44:31,395 If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you. 408 00:44:32,395 --> 00:44:36,395 In new and different ways, each more painful than the last. 409 00:44:38,395 --> 00:44:41,395 Until you finally mutate... 410 00:44:42,395 --> 00:44:44,345 ... or die. 411 00:44:50,395 --> 00:44:57,395 - You mean like a bucket list? - Like a fuck it list, I'd like to light a spiff off the Olympic torch. 412 00:44:57,495 --> 00:44:59,995 Acid to me, right after. 413 00:45:00,095 --> 00:45:06,395 Let's not forget: naked tandem base-jumping with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs. 414 00:45:06,495 --> 00:45:09,395 Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity. 415 00:45:10,395 --> 00:45:13,395 Finally, giving Meredith Baxter Birney a dutch oven. 416 00:45:13,495 --> 00:45:16,995 No, receiving a dutch oven from Meredith Baxter Birney. 417 00:45:20,395 --> 00:45:24,395 Making banana pancakes... For my kids... 418 00:45:27,795 --> 00:45:30,395 Vanessa... 419 00:45:33,395 --> 00:45:36,395 I wanna see Vanessa. 420 00:45:36,495 --> 00:45:40,395 Oh, lovely. I don't know about anyone else but, I'm touched. 421 00:45:40,495 --> 00:45:47,395 - We're just joking. - No, no. It's okay. I encourage distractions. 422 00:45:47,495 --> 00:45:50,395 Wouldn't want you giving up on us now, would we? 423 00:45:50,395 --> 00:45:54,395 Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. How tough can he be... 424 00:45:55,395 --> 00:45:59,395 - ... with a name like Francis? - Francis? 425 00:46:00,395 --> 00:46:05,395 It's his legal name. He got Ajax from a dish soap. 426 00:46:07,395 --> 00:46:12,395 F-R-A-N-C-I--- oops! 427 00:46:15,095 --> 00:46:18,395 Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat. 428 00:46:18,495 --> 00:46:22,395 FYI, I can probably get you a superhero discount. 429 00:46:22,495 --> 00:46:26,395 - You are so relentlessly annoying. - Thanks. Never heard that before. 430 00:46:26,495 --> 00:46:31,395 Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up? Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut. 431 00:46:31,495 --> 00:46:35,295 Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. 432 00:46:35,395 --> 00:46:41,395 See, here's the problem with round-the-clock torture, it's that you can't really step it up from there. 433 00:46:43,395 --> 00:46:46,395 Is that what you think? 434 00:46:51,395 --> 00:46:56,095 If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well, nothing will. 435 00:46:56,395 --> 00:47:02,395 What we're gonna do is lower the oxygen concentration in the air to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. 436 00:47:02,495 --> 00:47:08,395 If your brain wave's slowing and you're about to pass out, then we'll turn up the O2. 437 00:47:08,495 --> 00:47:13,395 If your heart rate slows meaning you're able to catch your breath, we'll turn it back down. 438 00:47:14,395 --> 00:47:18,395 And that's where we'll leave you. Right there. 439 00:47:19,395 --> 00:47:23,395 - I thought you guys were dicks before... - You know the funniest part of this? 440 00:47:24,395 --> 00:47:27,395 You still think we're making you a superhero. 441 00:47:27,495 --> 00:47:34,195 You? A dishonorable discharge? Hip deep in hookers? 442 00:47:34,395 --> 00:47:39,395 You're nothing. A little secret, Wade... 443 00:47:39,495 --> 00:47:43,395 This workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make superslaves. 444 00:47:44,395 --> 00:47:49,395 We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. 445 00:47:49,495 --> 00:47:54,395 And that's what they'll have you doing. Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. 446 00:47:56,395 --> 00:47:59,395 Maybe just mow the occasional lawn. 447 00:48:00,395 --> 00:48:02,395 What the fuck is wrong with you? 448 00:48:07,395 --> 00:48:13,095 You're never going home after this. Now there's a brave face. 449 00:48:13,395 --> 00:48:16,395 Wait, wait, wait... 450 00:48:17,395 --> 00:48:22,395 Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now. 451 00:48:23,395 --> 00:48:29,395 - Enjoy your weekend. - Weekend? Back up, weekend? 452 00:49:10,395 --> 00:49:15,395 Did I say this was a love story? No. It's a horror movie. 453 00:49:31,395 --> 00:49:36,395 Fucking hell! Looks like someone lost a shot at homecoming king. 454 00:49:36,495 --> 00:49:42,395 - What have you done to me? - I've mainly raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation. 455 00:49:42,495 --> 00:49:47,395 - You sadistic fuck! - I've cured you, Wade. 456 00:49:47,495 --> 00:49:53,395 Now your mutated cells can heal anything. Striking your cancer as fast as it can form. 457 00:49:54,395 --> 00:49:59,395 Yeah, I've seen some other side effects before... I could cure them. 458 00:50:02,395 --> 00:50:04,395 But where's the fun in that? 459 00:50:06,395 --> 00:50:09,395 Now I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade. 460 00:50:10,885 --> 00:50:14,395 Not because I need to. 461 00:50:17,395 --> 00:50:19,395 Because I want to. 462 00:50:33,395 --> 00:50:36,395 Farewell. Go ahead. 463 00:50:38,395 --> 00:50:41,395 You already smell like shit. 464 00:50:44,395 --> 00:50:48,395 - Motherfucker... - That's alright, it's alright... 465 00:50:48,495 --> 00:50:55,395 I think we have earned that one. You take off. Go on, off you go. 466 00:51:06,395 --> 00:51:08,395 Quick question: 467 00:51:10,395 --> 00:51:12,395 What's my name? 468 00:51:17,395 --> 00:51:20,395 Didn't think so. 469 00:51:21,395 --> 00:51:24,395 Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed. 470 00:53:19,955 --> 00:53:24,395 You don't wanna kill me. I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug! 471 00:54:20,395 --> 00:54:22,395 What's my name? 472 00:54:28,395 --> 00:54:30,395 Wade... 473 00:55:36,395 --> 00:55:44,395 I didn't just get the cure to el cancer... I got the cure to el everything. 474 00:55:47,395 --> 00:55:52,395 But there was only one thing that really mattered. 475 00:57:13,395 --> 00:57:17,095 No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine. 476 00:57:17,295 --> 00:57:22,395 - Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad. - Bullshit! I'm a monster inside now. 477 00:57:22,495 --> 00:57:26,095 - I belong in a fucking circus. - Wade, Vanessa loves you. 478 00:57:26,295 --> 00:57:29,395 - She doesn't care what you--- Oh! - Do you like what you see? 479 00:57:29,495 --> 00:57:36,195 No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado. 480 00:57:36,395 --> 00:57:44,395 Not gently. He was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was their only catharsis without violence. 481 00:57:44,495 --> 00:57:51,995 And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he's gone--- Poof! 482 00:57:52,195 --> 00:57:55,895 You gotta do something to remedy this. 'Cause as of now, you only have one course of action: 483 00:57:56,395 --> 00:57:59,995 - Damn straight. Find Francis. - Star in horror fims. 484 00:58:00,195 --> 00:58:03,195 - What? - Star in your own horror films. 485 00:58:03,295 --> 00:58:06,895 'Cause you look like Freddy Krueger face- fucked a topographical map of Utah. 486 00:58:07,795 --> 00:58:09,195 Here's what I'm actually gonna do: 487 00:58:09,295 --> 00:58:16,395 I'm gonna work thru his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, put a bullet in his skull, and fuck the brainhole. 488 00:58:16,495 --> 00:58:19,395 I don't wanna see that, or think of it again. But, 489 00:58:19,495 --> 00:58:22,395 - the douchebag does think you're dead, right? - Yeah. 490 00:58:22,495 --> 00:58:26,395 - That's good. You should keep it that way. - What, like, wear a mask? 491 00:58:26,495 --> 00:58:33,395 Yes, a very thick mask. All the time. I'm sorry, you're haunting. 492 00:58:33,495 --> 00:58:37,095 - Your face is the stuff of nightmares. - Like a testicle with teeth. 493 00:58:37,195 --> 00:58:43,395 You will die alone. I mean if you could die. Ideally. For others' sake. 494 00:58:43,495 --> 00:58:48,395 - That'll do. - What you need now is a suit and a nickname, like Wade the Wisecracker... 495 00:58:48,495 --> 00:58:55,395 - ... or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie. Oh, shit. - What? 496 00:58:56,395 --> 00:59:01,395 - I put all my money on you, and now I just realized I'm never gonna win the.... - Deadpool... 497 00:59:04,395 --> 00:59:07,395 Captain Deadpool. 498 00:59:08,395 --> 00:59:11,395 No. Just-just Deadpool. Yeah. 499 00:59:11,495 --> 00:59:17,395 To you, Mr. Pool. Deadpool. That sounds like a fuckin' franchise. 500 00:59:31,395 --> 00:59:33,395 This shit's gonna have nuts in it! 501 00:59:34,395 --> 00:59:36,395 Where's Francis? 502 00:59:59,395 --> 01:00:06,395 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Or wear red. Dumbass! 503 01:00:24,395 --> 01:00:26,395 Don't make me ask twice. 504 01:00:27,395 --> 01:00:30,395 Where is Francis? 505 01:00:30,495 --> 01:00:35,395 He made me ask twice. Is the mask muffling my voice? 506 01:00:54,395 --> 01:00:57,395 You're about to be killed by a Zamboni! 507 01:01:00,395 --> 01:01:05,395 - No, please... - Oh, God. I'm so sorry. 508 01:01:06,395 --> 01:01:09,395 Little spider-monkey! 509 01:01:16,395 --> 01:01:23,395 This is confusing! Is it sexist to hit you, is it more sexist to not hit you, the line gets real blurry! 510 01:01:23,495 --> 01:01:25,395 Donde esta Francesca? 511 01:01:26,395 --> 01:01:32,395 Tell me where your fucking boss is! Or you're gonna die! In 5 minutes! 512 01:01:59,395 --> 01:02:06,395 Nice to see you, Jared. I'll take a foot long. Fully loaded. 513 01:02:21,395 --> 01:02:27,895 - 41 confirmed kills. Now it's 89, about to be 90. - Mr. Wilson? 514 01:02:29,395 --> 01:02:34,395 - You're looking very alive. - Hah! Only on the outside. 515 01:02:34,495 --> 01:02:37,395 - This is not going to end--- - This is not gonna end well for you, no. 516 01:02:37,495 --> 01:02:40,395 - Where's your boss? - I can tell you exactly where--- 517 01:02:41,395 --> 01:02:48,395 You'll tell me. But first, you might wanna look away for this. Now this little piggy went to... 518 01:02:50,145 --> 01:02:51,895 Thank you, Agent Smith. 519 01:02:55,395 --> 01:02:57,395 Taxi! 520 01:02:58,395 --> 01:03:01,395 Hop in! Great day for a ride. 521 01:03:02,395 --> 01:03:04,395 And we all know how this turned out. 522 01:03:07,395 --> 01:03:09,395 Whoops! You weren't meant to see that. 523 01:03:16,395 --> 01:03:19,395 There. All caught up. 524 01:03:29,395 --> 01:03:33,395 Sorry! About bleeding at all your garbage. 525 01:03:38,395 --> 01:03:41,395 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 526 01:03:43,395 --> 01:03:45,995 Some kinds of anger can't be managed. 527 01:03:46,095 --> 01:03:51,395 Like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! 528 01:03:51,495 --> 01:03:56,395 That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home. 529 01:03:58,395 --> 01:04:00,395 Morning, sleepyhead. 530 01:04:01,395 --> 01:04:06,095 - It smells like old lady pants in here. - Yes I'm old, I wear pants. 531 01:04:06,195 --> 01:04:09,395 But you're no lady. Oh, so comfy. 532 01:04:11,395 --> 01:04:16,095 - Upside of being blind, I've never seen you in crocs. - You mean my big, rubber, masturbating shoes? 533 01:04:16,195 --> 01:04:22,395 Yes I know. Downside of being blind, I hear everything in this duplex. 534 01:04:24,295 --> 01:04:27,395 - Sit on a stick. - Bactine? 535 01:04:28,395 --> 01:04:30,395 Bactine should do it. 536 01:04:31,395 --> 01:04:36,395 How's that () coming along? Ikea doesn't assemble itself, you know. 537 01:04:36,495 --> 01:04:41,395 You're telling me. I don't mind the (). It's an improvement on the (). 538 01:04:41,395 --> 01:04:43,995 Anything's an improvement over the (). 539 01:04:44,395 --> 01:04:47,395 I'd taken an () or a () over the (). 540 01:04:49,395 --> 01:04:51,195 No, I didn't get excited 'till I saw (). 541 01:04:51,395 --> 01:04:55,195 - Screw, please. - Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades. 542 01:04:55,295 --> 01:04:58,395 - You'd be surprised. - Pretty grossed out. 543 01:04:59,395 --> 01:05:02,395 Ta------da... 544 01:05:08,175 --> 01:05:11,395 I wish I never heard, of Craigslist. 545 01:05:11,495 --> 01:05:18,095 And I quote, "Looking for roommate, blind, and likes imperfections. Must be good with hands." Or would you rather I build the Ikea and you pay rent? 546 01:05:18,195 --> 01:05:21,395 - Why such a douche this morning? - Let's recap: 547 01:05:21,495 --> 01:05:26,395 The cock-fizzle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today. 548 01:05:27,395 --> 01:05:28,795 Arm. 549 01:05:28,995 --> 01:05:34,395 Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super -sexy ex back and prevent this from happening to someone else. 550 01:05:34,495 --> 01:05:37,395 So yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. 551 01:05:40,095 --> 01:05:41,895 #drive-by. 552 01:05:59,395 --> 01:06:02,395 Found out who our friend in the red suit is. 553 01:06:03,395 --> 01:06:09,395 Fucking Wade Wilson. Suppose I'd wear a mask, too, if I had a face like that. 554 01:06:09,495 --> 01:06:11,395 I only wish I'd heal the same. 555 01:06:14,995 --> 01:06:18,395 Still, we'll put him out of our misery. On our terms. 556 01:06:19,395 --> 01:06:25,395 - Right. And when he heals? - He can't. Not if there's nothing left of him to heal. 557 01:06:25,495 --> 01:06:30,395 You know, it's funny. I almost missed the fucker. 558 01:06:31,395 --> 01:06:37,695 I like a challenge. But he's bad for business. Now let's go find him. 559 01:06:42,395 --> 01:06:46,395 - Tylenol PM? - It sticks back where you stuck the Bactine. 560 01:06:46,495 --> 01:06:53,395 I raided my stash of wisdom just to take a sec and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now. 561 01:06:55,995 --> 01:06:58,395 But I appreciate the gesture. 562 01:06:59,395 --> 01:07:03,395 Am I crazy? Or is your hand really small? 563 01:07:03,495 --> 01:07:06,395 About the size of a KFC spork. 564 01:07:07,395 --> 01:07:13,895 I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna brighten 'till you find this woman and tell her how you feel. 565 01:07:13,995 --> 01:07:19,395 What do I keep telling you, Mrs. McGoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand. 566 01:07:19,495 --> 01:07:23,895 - Looks aren't everything. - Looks are everything! Ever heard David Beckham speak? 567 01:07:23,995 --> 01:07:29,895 It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method? 568 01:07:29,995 --> 01:07:31,895 - Love is blind, Wade. - No... 569 01:07:32,395 --> 01:07:34,395 You're blind. 570 01:07:34,495 --> 01:07:37,395 So you're just gonna lie there and whimper? 571 01:07:37,495 --> 01:07:42,995 No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through puberty and then I'll come up with a whole, new Christmas day plan. 572 01:07:43,195 --> 01:07:48,395 In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand. 573 01:07:49,395 --> 01:07:52,395 Go, go, go, go, go... 574 01:07:53,395 --> 01:07:58,195 So the doctor says, the bad news is you don't have that long to live. So the patient says, how long do I have? 575 01:07:58,295 --> 01:08:01,395 The doctor says, five. The guys says, five what? 576 01:08:01,495 --> 01:08:05,395 The doctor says, 4, 3, 2... 577 01:08:11,395 --> 01:08:13,995 Can I help you ladies? 578 01:08:16,395 --> 01:08:18,395 Oh, I do hope so. 579 01:08:21,395 --> 01:08:26,395 Now, I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a, a friend of mine. 580 01:08:26,495 --> 01:08:28,395 Name of Wade Wilson. 581 01:08:29,395 --> 01:08:32,395 Sorry, I don't know the name. 582 01:08:39,395 --> 01:08:42,265 Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar. 583 01:08:45,395 --> 01:08:50,395 - I've seen this girl. - This must be Vanessa. I've heard so much about you. 584 01:08:54,395 --> 01:08:59,395 Sweetheart, you might wanna look around. This isn't really the place to do something like that. 585 01:09:00,395 --> 01:09:04,395 Easy, Angel. Put the little man down. 586 01:09:05,395 --> 01:09:08,395 - We have everything we need now. - You sure? 587 01:09:09,395 --> 01:09:12,395 You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? 588 01:09:12,495 --> 01:09:15,395 There's a midnight showing of Blade II. 589 01:09:18,395 --> 01:09:21,395 Thanks for having my back, guys. 590 01:09:25,995 --> 01:09:29,895 Wade, we have a fucking problem, and by we, I mean you. 591 01:09:31,095 --> 01:09:36,395 I can't believe we're doing this. Is there a word for half-afraid, half-angry? 592 01:09:36,495 --> 01:09:39,395 "Afrangry", I guess. Have you decided what you're gonna say to her? 593 01:09:39,475 --> 01:09:44,095 - Fuck me! - Maybe not start with that. 594 01:09:49,395 --> 01:09:55,395 Hey, coming on to our stage right now, give it up for Chastity! 595 01:09:58,395 --> 01:10:03,395 - Or as I like to call her, Irony. - I gotta find her fast, before numb nuts does. 596 01:10:03,495 --> 01:10:08,395 - How do you know she's in here? - Some customer stalking that fox. 597 01:10:32,395 --> 01:10:36,395 Every time I see her, it's like the first time. 598 01:10:36,895 --> 01:10:39,395 Especially from this angle. 599 01:11:02,395 --> 01:11:06,395 You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes. 600 01:11:09,395 --> 01:11:12,395 You weak motherfucker! 601 01:11:13,395 --> 01:11:18,395 C'mon. Get it together, this isn't about you, this is about Vanessa. 602 01:11:22,395 --> 01:11:24,395 Here we go. 603 01:11:26,395 --> 01:11:28,395 Maximum effort. 604 01:11:31,395 --> 01:11:32,995 Vanessa! 605 01:11:35,395 --> 01:11:41,395 Someone out back asking for you. Something about... an old boyfriend? 606 01:12:07,395 --> 01:12:12,395 I knew it was you. 'Cause we're weird curvy edges. 607 01:12:13,395 --> 01:12:15,395 Like a jigsaw puzzle. 608 01:12:25,395 --> 01:12:28,395 You have Wade Wilson to thank for this. 609 01:12:36,395 --> 01:12:41,395 - Hey, where did she go? - I saw her head to the back. Go get her, tiger. 610 01:13:08,795 --> 01:13:10,395 Motherfucker! 611 01:13:10,395 --> 01:13:13,195 - Wade, Wade, Wade, Wade... - Cunt! Chocolate--- 612 01:13:13,395 --> 01:13:18,395 - Jiminy---- Fuck! Fuck! - We can talk... or you can hit that... 613 01:13:23,395 --> 01:13:26,395 - Whoa! Whoa! - Relax, relax. Okay... 614 01:13:26,395 --> 01:13:33,395 I'm gonna rip his motherfucking-- find that, find it, or I'm gonna get angry. 615 01:13:35,395 --> 01:13:39,295 Here, this is Vanessa. No, wait, it's Francis. 616 01:13:39,395 --> 01:13:42,395 - He wants you to come to him. - What is that? 617 01:13:42,495 --> 01:13:48,395 That's the shit emoji. It's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long. 618 01:13:48,695 --> 01:13:51,395 - I need guns. - Okay, which ones? 619 01:13:51,495 --> 01:13:54,395 - I need all the guns! - All right, okay. 620 01:14:13,795 --> 01:14:18,795 - That's about 3000 rounds. - And we all know what I can do with 12. 621 01:14:19,095 --> 01:14:22,395 Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap, we're downrange. 622 01:14:23,395 --> 01:14:28,395 I was gonna spend the night assembling the () but this is holding my interest. 623 01:14:28,495 --> 01:14:34,395 - I told you, we're going with the (), not the (), get it thru your head or get outta Fucktown! - Shit. 624 01:14:34,495 --> 01:14:38,395 - That's all the pieces in the house. - No, no, no, come on. Let's go. Cough it up. 625 01:14:41,395 --> 01:14:44,395 - Down, down, down, down. - Fuck you. 626 01:14:45,395 --> 01:14:48,395 25 cal. I like it. 627 01:14:50,295 --> 01:14:51,395 Wade... 628 01:14:52,395 --> 01:14:56,395 I'd go with you, but... I don't wanna. 629 01:14:58,395 --> 01:15:01,395 Oh, listen, Al... 630 01:15:02,395 --> 01:15:07,395 If I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. 631 01:15:08,395 --> 01:15:15,395 And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in the apartment, right next to the cure for blindness. 632 01:15:15,495 --> 01:15:17,395 Good luck. 633 01:15:21,395 --> 01:15:24,395 You wanna get fucked up? 634 01:15:32,895 --> 01:15:35,395 Put her down over here. 635 01:15:44,395 --> 01:15:46,395 Go on, then. 636 01:15:48,395 --> 01:15:54,395 - Thanks, dickless. And I mean you. - You're a talker, too. You and Wade. 637 01:15:54,495 --> 01:15:59,395 I've been trying to tell you assholes you got the wrong girl. My old boyfriend, he's dead. 638 01:15:59,495 --> 01:16:07,395 See, I thought that, too. But he keeps on coming back. Like a cockroach, but uglier. 639 01:16:07,495 --> 01:16:14,895 Now, I may not feel, but he does. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block. 640 01:16:22,395 --> 01:16:26,395 - Ripley! From Alien 3! - Fuck, you're old. 641 01:16:27,395 --> 01:16:34,495 - Fake laugh! Hiding real pain! Go get Silver balls. - You guys going for a bite? Early bird special? 642 01:16:34,695 --> 01:16:37,895 Like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No. 643 01:16:38,095 --> 01:16:42,395 You know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. 644 01:16:43,395 --> 01:16:47,145 - You're gonna help me get her back. - Wade? Is that you? 645 01:16:47,245 --> 01:16:51,395 Yeah, it's me Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse! 646 01:16:53,995 --> 01:16:55,995 I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house! 647 01:16:56,095 --> 01:17:01,395 It's funny that I only ever see 2 of you. It s almost like, the studio couldn't afford another X-Man. 648 01:17:01,525 --> 01:17:06,825 And that, is why in my opinion, the movie Cocoon, is pure pornography. 649 01:17:07,825 --> 01:17:11,825 - Who brought this twinkly man? - Twinkly, but deadly. 650 01:17:11,925 --> 01:17:20,525 My chrome-penised friend back there, has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I said I would consider joining his boy band. 651 01:17:20,625 --> 01:17:23,825 - It's not boy band. - Sure, it's not. 652 01:17:23,825 --> 01:17:32,825 - So, any luck winning Gita back? - I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool, but Bandu is more craftier and handsomer than me. 653 01:17:32,925 --> 01:17:35,825 Well, I think you're pretty darn cute. 654 01:17:40,825 --> 01:17:42,825 - Dopinder? - Hmm? 655 01:17:44,425 --> 01:17:53,525 - What was that? - That was........ Bandu, in the trunk? 656 01:17:53,625 --> 01:17:56,825 - Ban-who? - My romantic rival, Bandu. 657 01:17:56,925 --> 01:18:03,825 He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing as you said, DP, I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep. 658 01:18:03,925 --> 01:18:08,825 I did not tell him to do that! Absolutely not! We got lost in translation! 659 01:18:08,925 --> 01:18:13,125 Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back! (I'm so proud of you.) 660 01:18:13,225 --> 01:18:16,525 Drop Bandu off safe and gentle-like. (Kill him.) 661 01:18:16,625 --> 01:18:22,825 And then, win Gita back the old-fashioned way, with your boyish charm! (Kidnap her.) 662 01:18:23,825 --> 01:18:25,825 He's super dead. 663 01:18:30,825 --> 01:18:34,825 - I presume a crisp high-five? - For you? Ten! 664 01:18:35,325 --> 01:18:39,825 Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference! (You know what to do.) 665 01:18:41,225 --> 01:18:42,825 Knock 'em dead, pool boy! 666 01:18:44,825 --> 01:18:47,425 Time to make the chimi-fucking-changas. 667 01:18:48,525 --> 01:18:57,325 Not often a dude ruins your face, skullstomps your sanity, grabs your baby mama and personally sees thru 4 of your 5 shittiest moments. 668 01:18:57,425 --> 01:19:01,825 Let's just say it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. 669 01:19:14,425 --> 01:19:17,825 Hey, where's your duffel bag? 670 01:19:40,825 --> 01:19:45,825 Goddammit! We'll do this the old- fashioned way. With two swords.. 671 01:19:46,925 --> 01:19:48,325 ... and maximum effort. 672 01:19:48,425 --> 01:19:50,825 Cue the music. 673 01:20:05,825 --> 01:20:07,825 Wade Wilson! 674 01:20:08,825 --> 01:20:12,825 - What's my name? - Ooh, I'mma fucking spell it out for 'ya. 675 01:20:14,825 --> 01:20:19,825 - Go get some. - Superhero landing. She's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it! 676 01:20:23,825 --> 01:20:28,825 Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it. 677 01:20:28,925 --> 01:20:33,525 You're a lovely lady but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him. 678 01:20:33,675 --> 01:20:37,825 I'd prefer not to hit a woman, so please---- 679 01:20:43,825 --> 01:20:46,825 I mean, that's why I brought her? 680 01:20:48,525 --> 01:20:53,825 Oh no. Finish your tweet. Just give us a second. Here you go. Hash tag it. 681 01:20:54,825 --> 01:20:56,825 Go get her, tiger. 682 01:21:03,825 --> 01:21:07,825 I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex. 683 01:21:07,925 --> 01:21:10,125 Alright then. Fire! 684 01:21:21,325 --> 01:21:23,015 Finish fucking her the fuck off! 685 01:21:23,225 --> 01:21:25,325 - Language, please. - Suck a cock! 686 01:21:51,375 --> 01:21:55,125 Look away, child. Look away! 687 01:22:01,825 --> 01:22:06,825 - Wait! Wait! - Cease fire! Cease fire! 688 01:22:06,925 --> 01:22:13,825 Fellas, hey, you only work for that shit-spackled Muppet fart. 689 01:22:13,925 --> 01:22:22,625 So, I'mma give you a chance for y'all to lay down your firearms in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle, possibly... 690 01:22:22,825 --> 01:22:25,225 ... even lover-like treatment. 691 01:22:26,825 --> 01:22:29,425 Fine! Commando! 692 01:23:41,425 --> 01:23:42,825 Teabag! 693 01:23:45,825 --> 01:23:49,225 - Bob? - Wade? 694 01:23:49,425 --> 01:23:53,225 - Oh my God, I haven't seen you since, TGIFridays! - Jacksonville. Fridays. 695 01:23:53,825 --> 01:23:58,425 What the hell! God! Come here, you. 696 01:23:59,825 --> 01:24:06,825 How are the kids? Good? And Gail, is she still fixing that tuna casserole? It's so good, but bad for... 697 01:24:13,825 --> 01:24:22,825 - Your... on the left... You are beautiful... - That is so sweet! Thanks! 698 01:24:32,825 --> 01:24:36,825 Does he write you notes, too? He's such a romantic. 699 01:24:36,925 --> 01:24:38,825 Don't worry, baby. I'm coming. 700 01:24:39,825 --> 01:24:41,125 Fire! 701 01:24:47,825 --> 01:24:51,825 Hey! Climb on. 702 01:25:40,825 --> 01:25:44,825 Motherfucker shoulda worn his brown pants. 703 01:25:45,825 --> 01:25:51,425 - You were right, beautiful. Red really is my color. - Wade? 704 01:25:51,525 --> 01:25:55,475 Don't worry, baby. I'mma get you outta that shitbox. 705 01:25:55,625 --> 01:25:59,825 - What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours. - Oh, you never left. 706 01:25:59,925 --> 01:26:03,825 - But you did, asshole! - Deep breath, darling. 707 01:26:04,825 --> 01:26:09,825 No wait.... Wrong choice of words. 708 01:26:10,825 --> 01:26:15,225 Well I hope they've blocked pain to your every last nerve. 'Cause I'mma go looking! 709 01:26:16,625 --> 01:26:21,925 I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. When I'm finished, what's left to grow back you? 710 01:26:22,075 --> 01:26:25,825 Good one.... Yup. That was a good one. 711 01:26:25,925 --> 01:26:31,325 Let's dance. And by "dance", I mean let's try to kill each other. 712 01:27:25,425 --> 01:27:30,825 - Fine. Fists. - Sounds like your last Saturday night. 713 01:28:50,825 --> 01:28:54,825 Asshole! 714 01:29:49,825 --> 01:29:54,825 - Hang in there, baby. I got you. - Wade! 715 01:29:56,825 --> 01:29:59,525 I got a plan. You're not gonna like it. 716 01:30:08,825 --> 01:30:11,825 Shit, shit, shit! 717 01:30:15,825 --> 01:30:19,825 Don't worry! I'm totally on top of this. 718 01:30:34,825 --> 01:30:39,825 Dammit! Maximum effort! 719 01:31:21,825 --> 01:31:23,825 Thanks. 720 01:31:27,825 --> 01:23:30,825 Just take it slow. 721 01:31:40,225 --> 01:31:43,525 Oh, my God! That was so awe--- 722 01:32:16,225 --> 01:32:22,625 - Me and you, are headed to fix this butter face! - What? 723 01:32:23,825 --> 01:32:27,125 You sure are a fucking idiot. 724 01:32:27,325 --> 01:32:33,425 Did you really think there was a cure, for that? 725 01:32:33,825 --> 01:32:37,825 - What? - You heard me. 726 01:32:37,925 --> 01:32:40,825 No, no! 727 01:32:47,825 --> 01:32:56,125 So, you mean to say... After all this, you can't fix me? 728 01:32:56,325 --> 01:32:59,025 It sounds even stupider when you say it. 729 01:32:59,225 --> 01:33:03,825 Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for? 730 01:33:07,825 --> 01:33:09,825 Any last words? 731 01:33:10,825 --> 01:33:14,825 - What's my name? - Who fucking cares! 732 01:33:14,925 --> 01:33:16,425 Wade! 733 01:33:16,825 --> 01:33:20,825 - Four or five moments. - I'm sorry? 734 01:33:20,925 --> 01:33:25,825 - Four or five moments, that's all it takes. - To...? 735 01:33:25,925 --> 01:33:27,825 Be a hero. 736 01:33:29,225 --> 01:33:38,625 Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true. 737 01:33:38,825 --> 01:33:43,825 Over a lifetime, there are only 4 or 5 moments that really matter. 738 01:33:43,925 --> 01:33:46,625 Moments when you're offered a choice. 739 01:33:46,825 --> 01:33:50,825 To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend... 740 01:33:51,325 --> 01:33:54,825 ... spare an enemy. 741 01:33:54,925 --> 01:33:59,825 In these moments, everything else falls away. 742 01:33:59,925 --> 01:34:04,825 The way the world sees us. The way we--- 743 01:34:42,691 --> 01:34:47,591 - What the fuck am I gonna tell her? - Well, you better figure it out. 744 01:34:49,591 --> 01:34:54,091 I can't even tell you... I deserve that... that too.. No, no, no, maybe not the nethers. 745 01:34:54,391 --> 01:34:56,591 Start talking! 746 01:34:57,991 --> 01:35:05,191 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for leaving, 747 01:35:05,591 --> 01:35:12,591 - I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner... It's been a rough couple of years. - Rough? 748 01:35:18,591 --> 01:35:23,591 I live in a crackhouse. With a family of 12... 749 01:35:24,991 --> 01:35:29,591 Every night we spoon for warmth, everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest. 750 01:35:29,691 --> 01:35:35,591 There is nothing that we don't share. Floor space, dental floss, even condoms. 751 01:35:43,591 --> 01:35:46,271 So you live in a house? 752 01:35:54,591 --> 01:35:57,591 I should've come and found you sooner. 753 01:35:58,591 --> 01:36:03,591 But everything under this mask, he ain't the same one you remember. 754 01:36:07,591 --> 01:36:09,591 You made this mask? 755 01:36:28,591 --> 01:36:33,891 And this one. In case the other fell off. 756 01:36:38,591 --> 01:36:45,591 Like a band-aid. Just... Audi 5000. Wait, wait, wait, wait. 757 01:36:45,691 --> 01:36:47,591 Are you sure? 758 01:36:48,591 --> 01:36:50,591 I'm sure. 759 01:37:00,591 --> 01:37:03,591 - Wow. - Yeah. 760 01:37:10,689 --> 01:37:15,689 After a brief adjustment period, and a bunch of drinks.. 761 01:37:15,779 --> 01:37:18,689 It's a face... 762 01:37:21,689 --> 01:37:24,689 I'd be happy to sit on. 763 01:37:31,689 --> 01:37:38,689 But I'm not the same underneath this suit either. Super-penis. 764 01:37:38,789 --> 01:37:42,689 Come on, Wade, language. Young one is present. 765 01:37:43,689 --> 01:37:47,689 What are you still doing ---- Get outta here, go make yourself useful. 766 01:37:47,789 --> 01:37:52,789 You, go be a really big brother to someone. Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. 767 01:37:52,889 --> 01:37:58,589 And you, chicken noodle. Nothing Compares 2 U. Sinead O'Connor, 1990. Sorry. 768 01:37:58,689 --> 01:38:04,689 - That's all right. You're cool. - What in the ass? 769 01:38:04,789 --> 01:38:11,689 - That was not mean! I'm proud of you! - We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade. 770 01:38:11,789 --> 01:38:17,689 You know, for a second there, it felt like we were 3 mini lion robots coming together to form one super robot. 771 01:38:17,689 --> 01:38:20,689 - This was stupid. - Yeah. 772 01:38:23,689 --> 01:38:28,689 And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for. 773 01:38:31,689 --> 01:38:33,689 Come here. 774 01:38:42,689 --> 01:38:46,689 WHAM! As promised. 775 01:38:58,689 --> 01:39:02,689 See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. 776 01:39:03,689 --> 01:39:06,689 The right girl will bring out the hero in you. 777 01:39:06,789 --> 01:39:14,989 Now, let's finish this epic wide shot, pull out, here we go... Looks nice, not gonna be the only thing that's pulling out tonight. 778 01:39:15,089 --> 01:39:21,689 Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood Pool guy singing... 779 01:39:45,786 --> 01:39:47,786 You're still here. 780 01:39:49,786 --> 01:39:53,086 It's over! Go home! 781 01:39:54,336 --> 01:39:59,386 Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. 782 01:39:59,586 --> 01:40:07,786 What were you expecting, Sam Jackson'll show up? Eye patch? Saucy leather? Go, go. 783 01:40:12,186 --> 01:40:15,786 Oh! But I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. 784 01:40:15,786 --> 01:40:22,786 In the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time-travel. We have no idea who to cast yet, 785 01:40:22,886 --> 01:40:25,386 but it could be anybody. Just take a big guy with a flat top. 786 01:40:25,486 --> 01:40:31,786 Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley. She's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret. 787 01:40:31,986 --> 01:40:37,386 And don't leave your garbage rotting around. It's a total dick move. Go. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.moviesubtitles.org