1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
1
00:00:02,035 --> 00:00:04,003
So I go into the bathroom with Tom,
2
00:00:04,204 --> 00:00:07,230
and we both, you know,
take them out.
3
00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:11,934
And I say, "Size more?
Try size less." Ha-ha-ha.
4
00:00:12,178 --> 00:00:13,702
[GROUP CHUCKLING WEAKLY]
5
00:00:13,913 --> 00:00:17,371
Oh. I wanna go to rehab and compare
penises with people.
6
00:00:17,650 --> 00:00:18,878
All in good time, kiddo.
7
00:00:19,085 --> 00:00:22,452
Well, uh, Pierce,
we're very glad to have you back.
8
00:00:22,655 --> 00:00:23,747
I'm assuming. Yeah?
9
00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:25,014
Yeah.
ANNIE: Yeah.
10
00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:27,384
So, what should we do now?
11
00:00:30,330 --> 00:00:33,993
I don't wanna be that guy, but I guess
we should start studying anthropology.
12
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,327
SHIRLE Y: Yes.
Yeah.
13
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:39,004
Okay. Um...
14
00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:42,907
Chapter four.
15
00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:45,771
Hello.
ANNIE: Oh, thank God.
16
00:00:46,012 --> 00:00:48,845
Oh. Yes.
Oh, my God.
17
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:50,516
Thank you.
What is it, dean?
18
00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:52,877
Oh, ha-ha, I have exciting news.
19
00:00:53,086 --> 00:00:54,519
Vice president Joe Biden
20
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,815
has been visiting community colleges
across the country
21
00:00:58,024 --> 00:01:00,857
as part of his Biden Time
Talking About Teaching tour.
22
00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:03,995
Hmm. Folksy, yet progressive.
It does walk that line.
23
00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:07,098
Anyway, his tour is taking him
in this neck of the woods
24
00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:10,325
and at 5:00 p.m. Today,
he is stopping by Greendale.
25
00:01:10,970 --> 00:01:14,599
Eat that, city college and wash it down
with a nice tall glass of suck it.
26
00:01:14,874 --> 00:01:16,501
The vice president is coming.
27
00:01:16,709 --> 00:01:19,678
That explains the people
covertly surveilling the campus.
28
00:01:19,879 --> 00:01:22,712
Must be Secret Service.
Will your reality ever come out
29
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,851
on Blu-ray so we can enjoy it?
We've been made.
30
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:30,022
Only problem, Mr. Biden is supposed
to be meeting with the dean, hmm,
31
00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:34,192
and the head of our student
government which doesn't exist.
32
00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:37,885
So we have seven hours
to elect a student president.
33
00:01:38,498 --> 00:01:40,022
Ah. What am I gonna wear?
34
00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:43,702
I mean, I could borrow
my sister's Uncle Sam outfit.
35
00:01:43,903 --> 00:01:45,200
It's tailored for ladies,
36
00:01:45,405 --> 00:01:47,873
but what else can I do
on such short notice?
37
00:01:48,074 --> 00:01:50,269
Well, you cannot dress up
like Uncle Sam.
38
00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:54,038
Or admit you don't have a sister.
We're electing a student president.
39
00:01:54,247 --> 00:01:57,045
I wanna run. I have so many ideas
for improving the school.
40
00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:59,548
Improving Greendale
takes more than ideas, Annie.
41
00:01:59,752 --> 00:02:02,346
It takes time, gasoline, matches.
42
00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:04,489
Mm. Nice.
43
00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:06,420
ANNIE:
Jeff, some of us care about more
44
00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:09,060
than just fixing our hair
and sculpting our abs.
45
00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:12,823
Wow, you got me pegged.
BRITTA: Democracy. What a ruse.
46
00:02:13,032 --> 00:02:15,626
There's no such thing as a system
in which the masses...
47
00:02:15,835 --> 00:02:18,770
Everyone wants you to shut up.
And yet I won't.
48
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:19,996
Case in point.
49
00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:21,740
[CHUCKLES]
50
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,869
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
51
00:02:50,537 --> 00:02:50,603
We tend to take democracy
for granted in America.
52
00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:53,538
We tend to take democracy
for granted in America.
53
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:57,198
But the fact is,
men have fought and died
54
00:02:57,443 --> 00:03:01,675
for the sacred right
we exercise today.
55
00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:04,816
So anyone
who wants to be president,
56
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,543
line up by the ice cream machine.
57
00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:10,653
Your applause will determine
who gets into the primaries.
58
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:13,951
And yes,
this is a ladies' Uncle Sam outfit.
59
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:15,354
It's my sister's.
60
00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:17,689
It was last minute. I had no choice.
61
00:03:17,897 --> 00:03:20,365
I wonder if that's the same sister
that tweets me
62
00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:22,694
to ask if I think her brother's cute.
63
00:03:22,902 --> 00:03:25,302
What happened to that pile
of campaign fliers?
64
00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:27,506
I hung them all up.
65
00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:31,973
Real nice.
Is it too much to ask you to pitch in?
66
00:03:32,178 --> 00:03:34,510
I'm sorry, Annie.
I'm not the worker bee type.
67
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:37,547
I'm more of a silverback gorilla
with the claws of a lion,
68
00:03:37,750 --> 00:03:40,480
the teeth of a shark,
and quiet dignity of a tortoise.
69
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,416
PELTON: All right, first up is this fella.
Let's go, come on.
70
00:03:43,623 --> 00:03:45,591
All right, tell everybody your name.
71
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,157
Garrett.
Okay, Garrett.
72
00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:49,190
And why do you wanna be president?
73
00:03:49,429 --> 00:03:52,023
I wanted ice cream, so I got in line...
74
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,996
Okay, okay. He wanted ice cream.
75
00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:56,361
So, what do we say, gang?
76
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:59,595
Does he make it to the next round?
By applause.
77
00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:02,536
Oh, we've got our first nominee.
78
00:04:02,775 --> 00:04:03,901
The bar has been set.
79
00:04:04,143 --> 00:04:07,044
All right, stand to the side.
Stand to the side.
80
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:10,080
At least worker bees
can set aside their egos
81
00:04:10,283 --> 00:04:12,513
and join together
to support a larger cause.
82
00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:16,449
Oh, right, because politics
are all about larger causes.
83
00:04:16,656 --> 00:04:17,918
Face it, Annie.
84
00:04:18,124 --> 00:04:22,390
Politics are all about ego,
popularity, and parlor tricks.
85
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:23,619
Don't kid a lawyer.
86
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:26,929
Well, if I see one, I won't.
87
00:04:28,401 --> 00:04:31,063
Oh, it's a girl. Look at this.
88
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:34,468
She's got a yellow shirt and a hat.
Who are you, sweetie?
89
00:04:34,674 --> 00:04:37,541
Uh... Vicki.
Who's up for some Vicki?
90
00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:40,143
Abed Nadir,
I'm Special Agent Robin Vohlers.
91
00:04:40,346 --> 00:04:42,906
This is Special Agent Keenlan
of the Secret Service.
92
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,311
Will you submit to a search
of your belongings?
93
00:04:45,551 --> 00:04:46,882
Sure.
94
00:04:49,188 --> 00:04:51,884
How did you notice
the campus was being observed?
95
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,252
I guess I noticed because
I'm used to being the only observer.
96
00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:59,090
Well, we're not used to being noticed.
That sounds a little sad.
97
00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:03,059
He's clean.
98
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:07,770
Although I could issue a warning
for this bootleg of The Last Airbender.
99
00:05:08,007 --> 00:05:09,804
Where were you a week ago?
100
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,272
You can keep it.
101
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,643
Well, another one makes the cut.
Congratulations, Leonard.
102
00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:20,250
Pbbt!
PELTON: Oh, yes, wonderful.
103
00:05:20,853 --> 00:05:23,549
Next up, Annie Edison.
104
00:05:23,790 --> 00:05:25,917
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
105
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,786
My name is Annie Edison.
106
00:05:28,027 --> 00:05:30,860
And if elected,
I promise to make Greendale
107
00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:33,861
the signature community college
of the entire western
108
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:38,002
three quarters of the Greendale area.
Annie!
109
00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:39,432
Oh!
110
00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:41,607
Looks like you're in the running,
Annie.
111
00:05:41,808 --> 00:05:43,969
Looks like it is hard not to be.
112
00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:46,508
Next up.
I'm sorry, I got the heat, I gotta go.
113
00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:51,782
I believe that humankind
need not be governed.
114
00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:57,486
I don't care.
115
00:05:58,257 --> 00:06:01,158
Well, it's good to know
there's a floor on this thing. So...
116
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,851
Thank you, Ms. Perry.
117
00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:05,393
Okay.
Oh, Annie, I'm so proud of you.
118
00:06:05,631 --> 00:06:07,155
Thanks.
People love you.
119
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,563
I believe this campus is a good place,
filled with good people
120
00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:13,534
who just need someone
to protect their interests.
121
00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:17,300
PELTON: Jeff Winger.
CROWD: Oh.
122
00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:20,239
My name is Jeff. I'm no politician.
123
00:06:20,513 --> 00:06:22,242
I'm just a fella.
124
00:06:22,515 --> 00:06:25,541
I think that beer should be cold
and boots should be dusty.
125
00:06:26,285 --> 00:06:28,185
I think 9l11 was bad.
126
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:32,654
And freedom, well, I think
that's just a little bit better.
127
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,757
STUDENTS: Yeah.
128
00:06:35,027 --> 00:06:36,153
Whoo!
129
00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:39,095
[###]
130
00:06:39,298 --> 00:06:40,663
[CROWD CHEERING LOUDLY]
131
00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:42,494
Yeah.
132
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:54,668
ABED: Countdown has begun.
Tonight, one student will be president,
133
00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:58,078
while the rest will simply be.
For Greendale Campus TV, I'm Abed Nadir.
134
00:06:58,284 --> 00:07:01,344
I'm Troy "Butt Soup" Barnes.
That's my name.
135
00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:04,852
As we head into the first round,
there are eight candidates.
136
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,080
TRO Y:
Annie Edison.
137
00:07:06,292 --> 00:07:08,123
ABED: Smart, attractive, but easily vexed.
Leonard Rodriguez.
138
00:07:08,327 --> 00:07:09,385
TRO Y:
Did he change his last name?
139
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,063
ABED: He's trying to court the Hispanic vote.
Alex "Star-Burns" Osbourne.
140
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:14,426
TRO Y: Creepy, seems Greek
, possible drug dealer.
141
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:16,067
Jeff Winger.
ABED: Crowd favorite.
142
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,964
They call him Hot Wings.
TRO Y: Magnitude.
143
00:07:18,204 --> 00:07:19,762
ABED:
He's a one-man party.
144
00:07:19,972 --> 00:07:21,940
Pierce Hawthorne.
The wizard of wet wipes.
145
00:07:22,141 --> 00:07:24,302
TRO Y: I live with that dude.
He's got night terrors.
146
00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:26,410
ABED: Garrett.
TRO Y: That guy's just a mess.
147
00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:28,637
It's like God spilled a person.
ABED: And Vicki.
148
00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:34,411
Yellow shirt, hat, girl. You know, you
gotta ask yourself right now, Abed,
149
00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:36,918
what's up with politics?
Yeah, yeah.
150
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:40,115
You're right, Troy.
I hear they're getting ready to start.
151
00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:42,590
We'll turn it over
to coverage of the debates.
152
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:47,827
Who's that?
Special Agent Vohlers.
153
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:49,331
United States Secret Service.
154
00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:52,070
Do you just constantly have
your own side adventures?
155
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,795
Yep.
156
00:07:54,006 --> 00:07:55,803
Me too.
157
00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:03,004
Knock it off.
You're not running sincerely.
158
00:08:03,249 --> 00:08:05,513
You're not even interested
in student government.
159
00:08:05,785 --> 00:08:07,480
I know, and yet, the people love me.
160
00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:09,746
It's almost as if politics
were a huge joke.
161
00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:11,513
Okay, look.
162
00:08:11,757 --> 00:08:15,989
I'm sorry I asked you to hang my fliers,
but I suggest you drop out right now,
163
00:08:16,262 --> 00:08:19,026
because not only will I beat you,
I will make you cry.
164
00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:22,530
Oh, I feel a slight ego
blowing in from the east.
165
00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:24,429
You're gonna feel my foot
blowing in from the south.
166
00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:27,332
Bring it on, Ponce de Leon.
I'm gonna, Greg Muldunna.
167
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:29,663
It's a real guy.
168
00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:32,640
He owns a mattress store downtown.
You can look it up.
169
00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:35,811
Hey, Vicki. Psst.
170
00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:39,481
Vicki, look at me. Psst.
171
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:42,651
I'm going to crush you.
Pierce.
172
00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:45,016
ANNIE: Stop that.
I'm gonna eat your brains, Vicki.
173
00:08:45,224 --> 00:08:47,852
I'm gonna slurp them
out of that melon you call a head.
174
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:51,461
A reminder to all candidates,
your microphones are currently on.
175
00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:54,325
Well, they better be,
because I'm on fire up here.
176
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,769
You freak people out, you know that?
You look weird.
177
00:08:59,171 --> 00:09:02,538
Because of your overbite.
Okay, let's just get started.
178
00:09:02,742 --> 00:09:06,803
Welcome to the Greendale Community
College presidential debate.
179
00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:10,380
Candidates, if elected,
what will you do?
180
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:12,243
Oh, Annie.
181
00:09:12,451 --> 00:09:14,817
I'm running on a platform
of school improvement.
182
00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:19,321
If I'm elected, the black mold will
be removed from the east stairwell.
183
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,084
The assailant known only
as The Ass Crack Bandit
184
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:23,886
will be brought to justice.
185
00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:26,223
And I will balance
the school's budget
186
00:09:26,432 --> 00:09:28,730
by eliminating
administrative redundancies.
187
00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:30,197
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
188
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,064
Okay. I'm in the room.
189
00:09:32,271 --> 00:09:33,932
Thank you, Ms. Edison.
190
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:36,938
Mr. Winger?
Well, that's an important question.
191
00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:40,010
And it's important
to students like Jeremy,
192
00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,714
who told me
that he is majoring in astronomy
193
00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:44,883
and is supporting two children.
194
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:47,575
It's an important question to Maria,
195
00:09:47,853 --> 00:09:50,378
who's a beautiful Latina
born in Nicaragua
196
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,581
working in the cafeteria.
MAN: Yeah.
197
00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:54,191
JEFF:
What will I do, dean?
198
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:57,191
Well, these people don't want me
to say what I'll do.
199
00:09:57,396 --> 00:10:00,854
They want me to do what I'll say.
Aw.
200
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:03,228
[CROWD CHEERING]
201
00:10:04,003 --> 00:10:06,233
They love it when you shuffle
the words around.
202
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,428
MAN: Go, Jeff.
Magnitude?
203
00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:09,937
Pop, pop.
Oh, no.
204
00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:12,474
[CROWD LAUGHING & APPLAUDING]
205
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:15,078
Same question.
Same answer.
206
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:16,407
Pop. Pop.
207
00:10:16,649 --> 00:10:18,776
[CROWD LAUGHING & APPLAUDING]
208
00:10:19,418 --> 00:10:22,285
Mind if I ask you a few questions?
Okay.
209
00:10:22,521 --> 00:10:25,490
Was there a specific reason
you had to repeat the first grade?
210
00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:28,990
I didn't know how to use scissors.
I sat in the middle of the seesaw.
211
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:31,925
I found the distinction between
duck and goose arbitrary.
212
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:35,259
Couldn't you just pick the sixth kid
every time? That's what I...
213
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,766
Would have done.
I went with four.
214
00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:42,097
Jeez, get a room, you two.
215
00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:44,838
Pierce Hawthorne, your platform?
216
00:10:45,044 --> 00:10:48,480
My platform will be one high enough
to push Vicki off to her death.
217
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:51,878
Ugh!
PELTON: Vicki?
218
00:10:52,118 --> 00:10:55,053
It looks like Vicki is out of the race.
Well, then I am too.
219
00:10:55,254 --> 00:10:57,620
I was only here to get back at her
for not lending me a pencil.
220
00:10:57,823 --> 00:11:00,485
Oh. Wow. Well...
221
00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:05,858
Can we get back on track here? I just wanna
get the black mold out of the east stairwell.
222
00:11:06,065 --> 00:11:09,796
I just want to clean up Greendale.
223
00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:11,799
Are you saying Greendale is dirty?
224
00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:14,165
Oh, boo.
225
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,169
CROWD: Boo.
Well,
226
00:11:16,375 --> 00:11:18,809
of course it's dirty.
Everyone knows that.
227
00:11:19,045 --> 00:11:21,809
I don't, Annie. I think it's clean.
228
00:11:22,048 --> 00:11:25,040
I think it's the cleanest school
in the entire country.
229
00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:26,784
You know it is.
230
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:28,816
TRO Y:
Jeff Winger's got this thing in the bag.
231
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:32,184
ABED: Sure does. Say what you will
, but people just like the guy.
232
00:11:32,458 --> 00:11:36,053
Read my lips.
233
00:11:36,328 --> 00:11:41,960
No matter what you're told,
we have to clean the mold.
234
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:47,063
No matter what you're told,
we have to clean the mold.
235
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:48,865
That's right, people.
236
00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:52,841
ALL [CHANTING]: No matter what you're
told, we have to clean the mold.
237
00:11:53,079 --> 00:11:54,239
No matter what you're...
238
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:57,972
ABED: This is interesting, Annie Edison
has reduced her platform to one issue
239
00:11:58,184 --> 00:12:00,175
and turned that issue
into a sound bite.
240
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:02,547
TRO Y:
And it rhymes. People love it.
241
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:04,221
This election's become a race.
242
00:12:04,423 --> 00:12:07,256
According to our polls,
the campus is almost evenly divided.
243
00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:09,927
Keep in mind the margin of error
is about 98 percent.
244
00:12:10,129 --> 00:12:13,098
Could be higher. We don't even know
how to do margins of error.
245
00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:15,697
We're taking a break. Stay tuned.
They have to.
246
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:17,698
It's closed-circuit television.
247
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:20,064
Don't know what that means.
MAN: And we're out.
248
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:22,999
Can I get an apple juice, please?
249
00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:25,370
Freshly squeezed,
or so help me God, Maurice.
250
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:30,015
Abed, those guys in the suits are
trashing your dorm room real bad, bro.
251
00:12:31,951 --> 00:12:33,612
[###]
252
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:40,258
What are you doing?
Random spot check.
253
00:12:40,459 --> 00:12:42,518
Stay out of our way.
Nothing suspicious.
254
00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:44,696
Glenn, bring the car around.
255
00:12:49,068 --> 00:12:52,094
What are you looking for?
Fertilizer, car battery, PVC piping.
256
00:12:52,304 --> 00:12:55,296
Anything suspicious.
Because you think I'm suspicious?
257
00:12:56,742 --> 00:13:00,405
Or you wish I was suspicious so that
you would have an excuse to see me.
258
00:13:00,646 --> 00:13:02,739
This was a spot check.
Do you like me?
259
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:04,279
That's not really relevant.
260
00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:07,415
That's close enough.
261
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,212
Are you sure?
262
00:13:10,089 --> 00:13:12,023
You smell like nice soap.
263
00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:13,583
I have to go.
264
00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:20,765
I'm sorry you weren't a more obvious
potential threat to the country.
265
00:13:25,204 --> 00:13:28,002
People are pretty excited
about this black mold issue.
266
00:13:28,207 --> 00:13:29,674
For my closing statement,
267
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:31,934
I'm thinking about smashing
a watermelon.
268
00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:35,944
Jeff, if I admit politics are stupid,
will you stop making them stupid?
269
00:13:36,182 --> 00:13:38,241
You're gonna split the vote and
Star-Burns is gonna end up president.
270
00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:40,918
I'm the only one who's trying
to get something done.
271
00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:43,314
And you deserve
to be allowed to do it?
272
00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:45,547
You're entitled to be president?
273
00:13:45,791 --> 00:13:48,259
The gloves are coming off.
You understand me?
274
00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:51,588
I have an audio-visual presentation.
Wow, I'm shaking.
275
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,628
You should be. You should be.
276
00:13:53,866 --> 00:13:56,426
All right, let us resume.
277
00:13:56,669 --> 00:14:00,127
Star-Burns, we haven't heard from
you on this black mold issue.
278
00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:02,603
Yeah,
I actually withdraw my candidacy.
279
00:14:02,808 --> 00:14:07,006
I fear a political career will shine
a negative light on my drug dealing.
280
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:08,703
Thank you.
CROWD: Boo.
281
00:14:08,914 --> 00:14:11,815
Dean, before this election
stops being about the issues,
282
00:14:12,017 --> 00:14:14,542
I have a question
for my opponents.
283
00:14:14,753 --> 00:14:16,277
What's your favorite color?
284
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:17,716
Mine's a three-way tie.
285
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:21,520
Red, white and blue.
286
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:22,784
[CROWD CHEERING & APPLAUDING]
287
00:14:22,995 --> 00:14:24,394
Magnitude, a response?
288
00:14:24,663 --> 00:14:27,496
I think you know, dean.
289
00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:29,394
ALL:
Pop, pop.
290
00:14:29,668 --> 00:14:32,728
[CROWD LAUGHING & APPLAUDING]
291
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:34,166
I set him up.
292
00:14:34,406 --> 00:14:36,874
I have an audio-visual presentation,
dean.
293
00:14:37,142 --> 00:14:39,702
Oh, that sounds interesting.
What's your presentation?
294
00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:42,140
My presentation
is a copy of Jeff Winger's
295
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:45,475
1997 audition tape
for MTV's The Real World.
296
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:46,980
What? What?
297
00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:50,120
Let's just roll it. Thanks.
298
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:55,587
Hey, I'm Jeff Winger and I'd love
to be on MTV's Real World: Seattle.
299
00:14:55,794 --> 00:14:57,921
So check this out.
300
00:14:58,197 --> 00:15:00,995
[PLAYING GEORGE MICHAEL'S
"FAITH" ON GUITAR]
301
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:06,331
♪ Well, I guess it would be nice
If I could be on MTV ♪
302
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:10,508
♪ So please, please take a look at me
For The Real World ♪
303
00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:12,370
♪ Oh, I'm gonna apply twice ♪
304
00:15:12,611 --> 00:15:14,078
[WHISPERING]
Where did you get that?
305
00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:18,249
Folks, who do you want
shaking Joe Biden's hand at 5 p. M?
306
00:15:18,450 --> 00:15:20,213
Me or...?
307
00:15:20,452 --> 00:15:21,510
[CROWD LAUGHING]
308
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:24,018
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Shut up. I was like 19.
309
00:15:24,256 --> 00:15:27,225
We've all been 19, Jeff,
and none of us did this.
310
00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:29,394
None of us.
311
00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:31,960
Pop, pop.
312
00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:35,291
I hate you. I hate this school.
313
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:37,901
And I hope you all get
black mold poisoning.
314
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:40,071
PELTON: Oh, Jeffrey, no.
JEFF: I hate you!
315
00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:43,469
I hate you!
No, Jeffrey, no.
316
00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:45,700
♪ You gotta have Jeff, Jeff, Jeff ♪♪
317
00:15:49,315 --> 00:15:51,374
[###]
318
00:15:52,318 --> 00:15:53,808
Are you in here?
319
00:15:54,486 --> 00:15:56,249
JEFF:
Yeah, to be alone.
320
00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:59,219
I've already established
the men's room doesn't work.
321
00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:00,414
You have an apartment.
322
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:03,686
JEFF: There are people in the
parking lot singing that song.
323
00:16:03,929 --> 00:16:06,659
I went too far. I'm sorry.
324
00:16:06,865 --> 00:16:08,799
I didn't know it would be that bad.
325
00:16:09,001 --> 00:16:10,969
You knew. You didn't care.
326
00:16:11,837 --> 00:16:14,965
But don't apologize.
I got what I deserved.
327
00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:19,110
I am a gross, jaded adult
with control issues
328
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:24,442
that couldn't let a young, bright,
idealistic kid run for president.
329
00:16:27,252 --> 00:16:29,618
Wait,
isn't there a final round of debates?
330
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,119
Yeah. L...
331
00:16:32,291 --> 00:16:33,622
You guys. You're missing it.
332
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:36,191
Troy, I'm out.
Me too.
333
00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:37,623
I withdrew my candidacy.
334
00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:42,290
Nobody that treats a friend the way I did
is fit to represent the student body.
335
00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:45,299
Yeah, I know you're both out.
I'm saying you're missing it.
336
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:48,132
It's the political showdown
of the century. Come on.
337
00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:50,365
Pop. Pop.
Pbbt!
338
00:16:50,642 --> 00:16:51,768
Pop. Pop.
339
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,878
Pbbt! Pbbt!
MAGNITUDE: Pop. Pop.
340
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,377
Pop. Pop.
341
00:16:56,648 --> 00:17:00,049
You should have stayed in the running.
You're the only real candidate.
342
00:17:00,285 --> 00:17:02,845
No, I was just another jerk
trying to win a contest.
343
00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:04,488
You were right the whole time.
344
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,625
I just couldn't admit it
until I saw you running away crying.
345
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:10,688
Yay.
I care what you think about me,
346
00:17:10,896 --> 00:17:12,056
you know?
347
00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:15,528
Yeah, well,
I care what you think about me.
348
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:18,897
That's why this happened.
Okay, well...
349
00:17:19,738 --> 00:17:21,899
Resolved, then.
350
00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:23,874
Resolved.
351
00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:26,509
[###]
352
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:31,411
When we seek to destroy others,
we often hurt ourself,
353
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:35,414
because it is the self
that wants to be destroyed.
354
00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:38,589
Pierce,
you're not usually so poignant.
355
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:42,521
Well,
Vicki finally lent me her pencil.
356
00:17:42,761 --> 00:17:45,559
Oh, my God, Pierce.
Go to the health center.
357
00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:47,792
Yeah.
358
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:50,331
TRO Y: We've reached
the end of election road.
359
00:17:50,536 --> 00:17:52,766
Arguments have been made,
pops have been popped.
360
00:17:52,971 --> 00:17:55,030
Hearts have been stirred,
perhaps broken.
361
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,674
The only thing that remains
is to tally the vote
362
00:17:57,876 --> 00:18:01,243
in this matchup between the youthful,
charismatic Magnitude
363
00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:03,074
and Leonard Rodriguez.
364
00:18:03,282 --> 00:18:05,443
Two men fighting
for the same piece of earth.
365
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:07,414
One recently born, one soon to die.
366
00:18:07,619 --> 00:18:10,850
A competition reflecting
the pointlessness of life.
367
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,887
Pull up, Abed. You're in a nose dive.
368
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:15,890
I'm told that Dean Pelton is prepared
to announce a winner.
369
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,722
We take you live
to across the room.
370
00:18:17,963 --> 00:18:20,090
Okay. Here we go.
371
00:18:20,365 --> 00:18:21,855
Thank you, Sergio.
372
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:26,902
With 11 votes cast...
Eleven, come on, people.
373
00:18:27,739 --> 00:18:31,072
The landslide winner
of the student election
374
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:35,303
with seven votes is
375
00:18:35,514 --> 00:18:37,539
South Park.
376
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,648
Okay. You know what?
377
00:18:39,918 --> 00:18:43,445
I recall this is why we abolished
student government in the first place.
378
00:18:43,655 --> 00:18:46,351
This is exactly
what happened 10 years ago.
379
00:18:47,259 --> 00:18:50,057
Hey, how hard is it
to get rid of black mold?
380
00:18:50,262 --> 00:18:52,730
What do we need,
buckets and sponges?
381
00:18:52,931 --> 00:18:55,058
I don't actually know.
382
00:18:55,934 --> 00:18:57,595
I'll look it up.
383
00:18:58,437 --> 00:18:59,665
Milady.
384
00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:01,133
TRO Y:
Well, there you have it.
385
00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:04,842
In a shocking write-in upset,
Comedy Central series South Park
386
00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:07,910
has been elected president
of the Greendale student body.
387
00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:11,776
Not that shocking to me, I voted for it.
For real? Me too.
388
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,918
We can never stop being friends.
389
00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:16,815
As we begin gearing up
for next year's election,
390
00:19:17,022 --> 00:19:18,990
for GC TV, I'm Abed Nadir saying:
391
00:19:19,191 --> 00:19:22,490
Did you know you could make napalm
out of dish soap and cat food?
392
00:19:22,694 --> 00:19:25,629
What? Why would you say that?
Hmm?
393
00:19:25,864 --> 00:19:27,661
[###]
394
00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:31,164
[SIREN WAILS]
[RINGS]
395
00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:35,270
Vohlers. Yeah.
396
00:19:36,975 --> 00:19:39,273
Sir, we're gonna have
to move on to city college.
397
00:19:39,478 --> 00:19:42,447
There's an elevated threat level
at Greendale. But don't worry.
398
00:19:42,648 --> 00:19:44,445
I'll check it out. Personally.
399
00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:46,481
BIDEN:
Whatever.
400
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:52,650
BIDEN: I just had a dream that
I was a regular president.
401
00:19:55,661 --> 00:19:57,891
[DRAMATIC MUSIC
PLAYING ON TV]
402
00:19:58,096 --> 00:19:59,961
WOMAN [ON TV]:
You've done so much for our city.
403
00:20:00,165 --> 00:20:04,829
Kickpuncher, is there anything
that we can give you?
404
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:10,440
Don't call me Kickpuncher.
Call me David.
405
00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:17,041
[MUSIC ENDS]
406
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,249
This was fun.
407
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,589
Maybe you can observe me
having dinner next time.
408
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:28,384
Honk twice for yes, once for no.
409
00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:31,188
[VAN HORN HONKS TWICE]
410
00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:32,863
Cool.
411
00:20:33,932 --> 00:20:35,559
Cool, cool, cool.