Orville!
After you finish flying the jet ship for the children,
bring them back to the orphanage.
Then cut the lawn and water the plants.
All right, Miss Pliny.
All right, gang, now keep your eye on the jet plane.
Orville, do you know how a jet works?
Off sure, I know how a jet plane works
and rocket ships and spaceships.
How does a spaceship work?
Sure, a spaceship?
A spaceship.
Well, first you gotta have a lot of space, and then you.
You want me to learn you how to spin a top?
How does a spaceship work?
Spaceship.
All you do is pull a string and away it goes.
Nonsense.
Anyone who has studied nuclear physics
knows its engine operates according to thermodynamic laws,
using a working fluid of liquid hydrogen as a propellant.
This is accelerated and expelled by a nuclear reactor,
enriched largely by the use of a fissible U-235 isotope,
giving the necessary thrust to the interplanetary mission.
Do we make ourselves clear?
Sure, just like I said,
all you do is pull a string and away it goes, like that.
No, that's right around the corner.
Cheese it, the cop!
Oh, it's that Orville again.
A spaceship.
Hey, how'd you get here?
I sneaked into your truck.
What are you doing?
I'm drawing pictures of the spaceship
so I can show it to the gang.
The gang?
A spy, huh?
What's your name?
Orville.
Orville, where are you from?
The Hideaway.
The Hideaway?
That does it, I'm taking you down to see Dr. Wilson.
Come on.
May I see your identification, please?
I am Dr. Orvilla.
I want to see Dr. Wilson.
Just a moment.
Dr. Wilson's office.
Miss Howe speaking.
Oh, will you send him in, please?
Come in.
Beautiful, isn't it?
I think frightening is a better word.
Don't tell me you wouldn't like to spend
your honeymoon on Mars?
I'll settle for Niagara Falls.
Dr. Orvilla's on his way in.
Fine, I'm anxious to get the meeting started.
How about the newspapers?
They're still insistent on a press release.
Tell them we're not ready yet.
Will you stop pushing me?
You push me once more, I'm gonna haul off and...
Have you had enough?
Come on.
Where's the Doc?
In the conference room.
Well, call him up, tell him I caught a spy.
His name's Orville.
Orville?
Oh, you mean Dr. Orvilla.
He isn't a spy.
Dr. Wilson's been waiting for you.
For me?
Yes, he didn't want to start the meeting
without you, Doctor.
I'm, I'm no doctor.
I know, you're listed in Who's Who
as a professor of aeronautical science.
Lester, would you please tell Dr. Wilson
that Dr. Orvilla's here?
All right, but someone's making a terrible mistake.
Professor of aeronautical science.
What makes a balloon go up?
Hot air?
What's keeping you down?
Hey, who are you?
I am Dr. Orvilla.
Oh, that's all right.
Wait a minute!
For your information, I just left Dr. Orvilla
in Dr. Wilson's office.
And for your information,
Dr. Orvilla is standing right here!
Now wait, I just left Dr. Orvilla.
He's short, fat and dumb.
I am Dr. Orvilla.
The only people is a-dumb is a-you.
Wait, we'll let Dr. Wilson decide that.
Come on.
I walk by myself.
Dr. Wilson will be right in.
There you are.
There's Dr. Orvilla!
How dare you tell the people you're Dr. Orvilla.
I didn't tell 'em, they told me.
You told a big lie.
I didn't tell a lie, they told a lie.
I'm Orville.
See, Orville.
He don't even know how to say the name.
The name is Orvilla.
No, Orville.
You mind hold this, please?
No, sir.
The name is Orvilla.
Now I don't go for that kind of stuff.
Now cut it out.
My name is Orville.
I'm gonna give you a.
Ooh.
The name is Orvilla!
Now you hold that.
Now you cut it out slapping
me in the face like that.
My name is Orville.
You make me lose my temper.
The name is Orvilla!
Now you hold that.
Now I'm gettin' sick and tired
of that stuff.
Let Dr. Wilson decide.
And the one who isn't Dr. Orvilla
is gonna go to jail for a long, long time.
I'm Orvilla.
How can he be Orvilla?
He don't even speak like me.
I think I even speak better than you.
No mock me.
Who's mockin' you?
Here, here, here, here, none of that, none of that.
Dr. Orvilla, I don't know how this happened,
but I want to apologize.
Don't you mention it, that's all right.
Take this impostor, this impostor fagioli.
Take him to the house of jail.
Oh, no she don't.
Anyone she's gonna go to jail is gonna be you.
Don't you mock me.
I don't think we should put him in jail.
He hasn't done any harm.
He saw the spaceship.
Oh, that's too bad.
Now that it's completed,
I'd hate to have the news leak out.
I won't tell anyone.
I think we better keep you with us,
at least for the time being.
Lester will take good care of you.
I'll take care of him, Doc.
This way, Dr. Orvilla.
You little foreigner, you.
Oh, no you don't.
Uh oh, here I go again.
- Good morning, gentlemen. - Morning.
You all know Dr. Orvilla.
How do you do, Doctor?
Won't you be seated, please?
I appreciate the fact that some of you
have traveled a great distance to be here.
And I'm very happy to say that after years
of research and effort, our project has finally
reached a state of completion.
The spaceship is ready to fly?
As Dr. Wilson say, if it wasn't for the matter,
we'd put a few supplies on board,
she could be launched today.
The problems that confront us now
are the choice of destination and the selection of a crew.
Since all of us are eminently qualified to be observers,
I suggest that a crew be selected by drawing lots.
Gentlemen, the moon is the closest
of all astronomical bodies.
But due to its proximity, there's a wealth of detail
visible through powerful telescopes.
Within our fuel range are the planets Venus and Mars.
One of these should be our destination.
Each of you gentlemen have before you a sheet of paper
on which you will write the choice of your destination
and a brief explanation of why you've chosen
this particular planet.
Orville, help me unload the truck.
Okay.
Why didn't you take a box from up there?
Well, this here one was closer.
Oh, give me a hand.
Yes, sir.
Move!
Get on board, get on board!
All right, all right!
I'll hand you this box.
Go on, get up there.
Here you are, get a hold of it.
If there's anything else I want you to do,
I'll do it myself.
What happened at the meeting?
We selected our crew.
I suppose you're among the lucky ones.
I built the ship, Janie.
And you wouldn't ask anyone to do anything
you wouldn't do yourself.
Where do we go from here?
Mars.
When are you going?
As soon as we get all our supplies aboard.
Hey, what are they, football uniforms?
Certainly not, they're space suits.
Hey, Les, don't I look like a piece of bubble gum?
Now put that back.
The doctor and his crew are gonna need those
when they get up where there's no oxygen.
Put it up there.
Didn't I tell you not to wear those helmets?
Now take it off.
Soon as my back is turned, you put 'em on.
Now you're a fine friend.
You won't let me put it on, but you put it on.
Ah, stow away those boots!
Stow away those boots!
Go on!
Baffled, eh?
Yeah, those shoes are heavy.
Well, certainly.
The gravity plates on the soles
of those boots are magnetized.
Oh.
Now stow them away.
Stow them away!
I told you to stow those boots away.
I thought you said throw them away.
Oh, my head!
Oh, Dr. Wilson, let me help you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Well, how's it going, Lester?
Everything's loaded, Doc.
Ready to take off.
Fine, would you mind helping me check the control panel?
Oh, sure.
- Fuel. - Fuel.
Okay.
Oxygen.
Okay.
Interplanetary communicator.
Oxygen.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Here comes the crew.
I want to bring them aboard for a final check.
Say, Dr. Wilson, is there anything else I can do?
I'm afraid not, Orville.
This kind of work requires a high I.Q.
A what?
High I.Q.
Hi I.Q. too.
Let me help you.
That's all right, thank you.
Hey, this Dr. Wilson, he's pretty good goin' up...
Huh, what's the matter?
What's the matter?
Hey, Les.
- Huh? - Oh Les.
What?
The doctor, he forgot to check this one.
Get your hand off there!
Dr. Wilson, look.
Don't touch these switches.
Hey, the doctor didn't check these.
What did you do?
What did you touch?
Oh Les!
Les!
This is disastrous!
Hey, come on back, you no can do this!
What are you gonna do?
Contact Lester by shortwave and tell him how to land.
Hey, what happened, earthquake?
Must've been.
It's a lucky thing for us, boy, that you didn't press
the right button.
You'd have launched us into space.
We better get out of here before something happens.
Lester!
I don't wanna go to the moon.
If I wanted green cheese, I'd go to the delicatessen.
We're not going to the moon.
We're heading for Mars.
KA5749 calling Rocket Ship M-1.
Rocket Ship M-1, come in, over.
It's no use.
I don't suppose either of them
knows how to operate a radio.
What'll happen to them?
Unless they accidentally enter a gravitational sphere of
another planet, they may just drift around in space forever.
How awful.
Calling Experimental Laboratory.
We're up in the air, how do we get down?
Over.
Over where?
Calling Experimental Laboratory, come in, over.
If you don't come in, it's gonna be all over.
Come, come in.
Come in, come in, right away!
Les!
Turn it, turn it.
Will you get in that seat?
KA5749 calling Rocket Ship M-1.
Rocket Ship M-1, come in, over.
Calling Experimental Laboratory.
Get me down, will ya?
I want to collect my Social Security.
You can't collect your Social Security until you're 65.
I just aged 30 years.
I'm a nervous, hey, Les.
What?
Look, look, Les.
The thing is broken.
Oh, I'm gonna get outta here.
I'm not gonna...
I'm trying to find out how to operate...
Turn it.
Here we go again.
Gimme 50 cents.
What for?
We're going through the Lincoln Tunnel.
Jenkins is really hot today.
- What's with you? - Consistently hitting those...
Just saw a rocket ship come out of the Lincoln Tunnel.
Brother, you've had enough.
We interrupt the ball game to announce
that a rocket ship just flew through the Lincoln Tunnel.
- You hear that? - You see that?
Hey, you, the next time you come so close
to the ground, I'm gonna get out.
Ladies and gentlemen, our mayor
has asked that we all remain calm in this emergency.
Everything possible will be done to protect you.
On orders from Washington,
the Commander of Strategic Defense has alerted all branches
of the service.
This is not the usual flying saucer scare.
This unidentified aircraft was seen by thousands
as it flew through the Lincoln Tunnel.
Hey, if they no careful, they gonna have accident.
Anyone sighting a strange aircraft
phone your nearest branch of Civilian Air Defense.
What are we gonna do now?
We either go to Mars or get shot down.
So we'll go to Mars.
We'll go to Mars.
Hope she's expectin' me.
What am I sayin'?
Hear this, hear this.
Attention all pilots, concentrate on air search.
Navy will cover land and sea.
How you gonna know when we hit Mars?
How do I know?
The whole thing wouldn't have happened
if I don't push those buttons.
Don't touch 'em again!
Hey, what's this one for?
Help!
The unidentified aircraft
which terrified New Yorkers is now definitely known
to have landed in an isolated region near New Orleans.
They're rushing the militia to the location.
You'd better call Washington and identify your ship.
What, and be made the laughingstock of the world
for letting a couple of nitwits steal my ship?
Well, so far they no do no harm.
The excitement they have caused may arouse
our people from their lethargy and show them
the need for civilian defense.
Janie, get me plane reservations for New Orleans.
Lester!
Don't ever leave me alone.
Orville, do you realize that we are the first persons
to land on Mars?
Hey, I hereby claim Mars in the name
of the United States of America.
Me too.
Ooh.
Grapes, big grapes.
Hey, no, don't take that off.
Mars might be just like the moon, no atmosphere.
And without oxygen, you could drop dead.
Here, turn around.
Just as I thought, you big dope.
You forgot to turn on your oxygen generator, there.
Hey, suppose my tank gets empty.
Then you have donated your life
to the advancement of science.
No, sir, not me.
I'm not gonna donate anything like that
that I can't deduct from my income tax.
I don't hear no sound of them prisons screws.
Looks like we lost 'em.
Yeah, I think we lost ourselves doin' it.
Hey, go find out what made that noise.
Uh uh, you go.
Now wait a minute,
didn't you tell me not to leave you alone?
Yeah.
Well, If I go, you'll be here all alone.
That's right, I never thought of that.
What was it?
A zebra without any tail.
Hey, maybe Mars is only inhabited by animals.
Let's look around.
- Take it easy. - Go ahead.
What'd I see?
Them guys are dressed for the Mardi Gras.
They sure must've got loaded.
They're a long way from Canal Street.
Yeah, I wish we was on Canal Street.
Maybe we could get some clothes.
Come on, we'll find some.
I am with you.
What's that?
If I didn't see it with my own eyes,
I wouldn't believe it.
Well, what is it?
Are you kiddin'?
That's a spaceship.
Them guys weren't from the Mardi Gras.
They're from Mars.
What's Mars?
Is that anywheres near Hoboken?
What's Mars?
Mars is a planet.
The planet is the thing that goes revolving around in space.
Well, how'd it get up there?
Well, it all depends on whether you subscribe
to the Laplacian Theory of 1796
or whether you subscribe
to the Tidal Theory formulated by somebody in 1919.
Gee, it must be wonderful to have education.
Hey, you don't suppose maybe they got any clothes on board
we could steal, do you?
For the first time since I know you,
you are showing a gleaming of intelligence.
I am with you.
Hey, I thought you told me things on Mars was different.
Their houses are the same as ours.
Now listen, we've got to find the boss man.
Let him know who we are.
Go up there and find out where he is.
Go ahead.
Hey, you.
Take a look up there.
What'd you find out?
Take a look.
Hey, there's a girl.
Go over and talk to her.
- Should I? - Oh, go ahead.
She won't hurt you.
I'll ask somebody else.
Okay.
Good morning.
Oh, hello, good morning.
Will you not join me in a cup of coffee?
You speak English up here.
Of course, we all speak English.
Mm, your costume is wonderful.
Are you going to join us in our party in honor of Rex?
Who's Rex?
Rex is king.
The king, he's the man I want to see.
There will be a big crowd.
But if I cannot see good, I will raise my head higher.
If I cannot see that way, I will turn my head this way.
Jules, Jules, come quick.
A glass of wine.
He is faint.
Lester!
Orville!
Lester, Les!
Hold on, what's the matter?
All right, take it easy.
- Hey, Les. - What?
You talk to that girl over there and her head goes higher.
And then you talk to her again,
and zip, her head goes sideways.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Nobody can do that with their head.
I saw it myself.
Drink of wine?
It will make you feel better.
Don't give him wine.
It makes his head go 'round.
Mine too.
Little man, shall we dance?
You better go ahead dance with her.
It'll promote our diplomatic relations.
Why don't you dance with her?
What, and set our relations back 50 years?
Not, not...
I'll do my share.
May I have this dance?
Be my guest.
No, thanks, I don't care to dance
with any of your relations.
I got my own over here.
Lester!
Lester, Lester, I broke the girl in half, look!
Now you did get us in trouble.
Let's get out of here.
Hey Mugsy, we gotta wear these suits?
You know this thing don't do nothin' for my figure.
I would like to ask you one simple question.
How many states are you wanted in?
How many are there?
48.
That's how many.
That just proves my point, you ain't safe in this country.
- You know what you're gonna do? - What?
You're gonna leave it.
It's as simple as all that.
Where are we goin'?
We're gonna hijack this rocket ship
and make them take us to Mars.
Ain't there any coppers up there?
Not that I ever read about.
I am with you.
First of all, we gotta get some walking around town money.
Where are we gonna get it?
We heist a bank.
In these clothes?
Didn't I tell you it's Mardi Gras and all the citizens
are walking around in funny-looking costumes?
We just walk in and the cops won't even give us a rumble.
What are we gonna use for rods?
This popgun isn't any good.
Here, get a load of this.
Did I do that?
Sure, it's a ray gun.
It shoots paralysis rays.
You hit a fink with them and you're stiffen 'em out
like a plank momentarily.
Later on he comes out of it and he's all right again.
Flash Gordon uses one of them.
Yeah, what mob does he run with?
He ain't with no mob.
You see him in the comic strips all the time.
Oh.
Come on, let's put on our helmets.
We want to be back here before them Martians return.
Now listen, you're in a strange country,
so watch your step.
Look around.
I can always...
What's the matter?
I'm stuck.
I told you those shoes were magnetized.
Come on, get up.
Get up!
Pick it up!
Allow me.
Can I help you, sir?
This is a stickup.
Hand over all the big bills.
For a minute I thought you were serious.
But I am serious.
Start sackin' up the loot.
My dear fellow, if you think you can frighten me
with a toy pistol...
Don't give us no trouble.
Guard!
Okay, Harry, let's get the cash.
This is all we can carry.
Let's get goin'.
Thanks, pal.
Looks quiet enough to me.
They must be having their afternoon siesta.
Hey, Grogan, what happened?
Grogan.
Grogan!
He's stiffer than a new boot.
And he don't even drink.
What happened to them?
Find out.
What happened to you, buddy?
Buddy!
Police, police!
What happened here?
We, we, we, we was invaded!
Invaded by who?
By two men from Mars with space suits and everything,
just like you see in the funny paper.
If you don't believe me, ask Mr. Lucas.
What happened to you, Miss Frances?
Is y'all all right?
Mr. Lucas.
What, what happened?
What's this about two men from Mars?
The bank was held up by two men in space suits.
If you'll call headquarters, I can give a good description.
Gimme police headquarters.
Hello, headquarters, Hartman reporting.
The State Bank was held up by two men from Mars
wearing space suits.
No, I'm not talking from a bar.
I'm in the bank.
Okay, I got it all down so far, but I don't believe it.
Men from Mars in space suits.
Say, was there anyone hurt?
Was anybody hurt?
No, they shot us all with ray guns.
Please, mister, I can't tell him that.
Well, that's exactly what happened,
and I think it should be reported at once.
Everybody was shot with a ray gun.
Ray gun?
Get outta that barroom, you gin-guzzling,
whiskey-swiggin' rum hound!
Hey, now that we're here,
how am I gonna eat with this fishbowl on my head?
The Limburger is excellent today.
Oh, that's just what I like.
Oh, waiter, have you got atmosphere here?
If it is on the menu, we have it.
No, is the air here the same as on Earth?
Our air is the same as anyplace in the country.
I get a menu.
Well, go ahead and take the helmet off.
Let's see what happens.
Hey, that's strong atmosphere around here.
Are you sure we didn't land on the moon?
Certainly not.
Didn't you say the moon was made out of green cheese?
This is no rose garden I smell.
Oh, ignore the atmosphere.
We don't want to antagonize these Martians.
Now take off your helmet.
We've got to eat.
No.
Take it off!
How was the Limburger, sir?
Oh, it was excellent.
Oh, thank you.
Here you are, gentlemen.
Our food is out of this world.
So is the atmosphere.
Give me one of your native dishes and a little wine.
What will you have?
Bring me some chlorophyll.
What kind of wine?
A small bottle of Moselle, Bordeaux or Chambertin?
What would you like to have me open?
Open the window!
The window.
How do you like this one?
It doesn't do enough for you.
It doesn't have enough chick like they say in French.
That's what you get for tryin' to peddle merchandise
what's got no chick.
Hey, I like this one.
Now you got some class.
You look like the warden.
That's the nicest thing you said to me all day.
Well, let us get the loot and be on our merry way.
I am with you.
This year's attendance has broken all Mardi Gras records.
The Crescent City...
Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this program
for a bulletin from the police department.
Two men believed by police to be the inter-space travelers
who created such havoc in New York and for whom
the militia is searching are spreading a reign of terror
in the city streets.
According to the police, these men are dressed
in green pressure suits and are wearing transparent helmets.
I'll repeat the description.
These men are dressed in green pressure suits
and are wearing transparent plastic helmets.
All police officers are under orders to shoot on sight.
Hey, they should be easy to find if they're wearing
green suits like this and a plastic helmet.
Hey, that's us!
You are the bank robbers!
Hey, wait!
That's it, Orville, hold him.
I'll meet you at the space ship.
Hold him?
Lester!
Help, police!
Police, help!
With all the militia busy searching
for their space ship and our police force unable to cope
with the crowds that are here for the Mardi Gras,
our mayor has asked that citizens
join in a house-to-house search.
- We'll run 'em down! - They oughta be in jail!
What are we waitin' for?
Let's look for 'em!
Is there anything wrong, officer?
We're getting up a posse to run down those guys from Mars.
They held up a bank and a clothing store.
My my, Harry, imagine that.
Men breaking the law.
Yeah, that is disgusting.
You'd better get off the streets.
I concur.
A splendid suggestion.
I think we should get out of town.
I am with you.
It beats me.
The minute we get the call that those guys
are in the La Parisienne Cafe, we surrounded the block,
and yet they disappeared.
Hey, you.
Have you seen anything of two guys dressed in suits
like they were from Mars?
You mean with green space suits
and plastic helmets?
That's them.
Sorry, didn't see 'em.
How did he know they had green space suits?
Come on.
Come on, let's get back to the spaceship.
Boy am I glad to get away from those Mars people.
Hey, it's a good thing there was no water in there.
All right, no trace of them yet.
I can't understand why even the militia
has been unable to locate that rocket ship of mine.
Well, it's possible your ship landed in one of the bayous
and is completely submerged in the water.
Those two criminals must've been lucky enough to escape.
I can't picture Lester or Orville
in the role of a desperate criminal.
Nor can I.
Lester's worked for me faithfully for five years.
And I checked on Orville.
He had a good record at the asylum, orphan asylum.
Orville just came from there two days ago.
Isn't a kid that's only been out of the orphanage
for two days a little young to be flying a rocket ship?
Oh, Orville's 38.
38!
When I put him in jail,
remind me to give him his pablum.
Gimme that gun you swiped.
Them guys may be rough.
Here.
Don't ever point a gun at nobody.
What are you worrying about?
I never shot nobody by accident.
Stop fooling around with them instruments.
We'll wait for them Martians to come
and let them run the ship.
Hey, talk about foolin' around,
they got any dames in this Mars place?
Naturally they got dames.
I seen pictures from there.
They got big heads, four arms,
and wireless aerials growin' outta their ears.
That don't sound very entrancing to me.
They don't sound no worse than some of them beagles
I seen you keeping company with.
Shh.
Leave your space suit out here to dry.
Come on, hurry up the ladder.
Come on, make it snappy.
I wanna close that trap so they can't catch us.
Which one do you do?
You gotta touch one of these things.
What are you doing?
I just about missed it.
Come on, get out of the way.
And take off those magnetized boots
and put on your shoes.
Never mind the shoes.
I told you to take off the boots
and put on your shoes.
You told me never mind the shoes.
I didn't say anything of the kind.
Now put on your shoes.
Okay.
And don't okay.
Everything is okay with you.
Hey, who are you?
You're the first persons we've seen
who look like human beings.
Frisk 'em, Harry.
It's my turn now.
No ray gun.
This one's clean too.
Come on, let's get this rocket ship started
and let's take off for Mars.
How can we take off for Mars?
We're already on Mars.
How'd you fellas get up here?
I hate to say it, Mac.
But it's obvious to me that you have flipped your wig.
Boy are these guys screwy.
They think that New Orleans is Mars.
New Orleans?
- Open up that trap door. - No, you don't.
Get started before my patience is tried.
Honest, mister, we don't know how to operate this ship.
Then how did you get here?
All he did was push this button, like that.
Oh no, it wasn't that button.
It wasn't this here one.
It was this one.
What could've happened?
I don't know.
How could they be stupid enough to take off again
after they landed safely?
Dr. Wilson.
Hey, what's that ball down there?
That's the Earth.
Yeah?
Boy I wish the boys at the Louisiana Penitentiary
could look up and see me here.
I wish I could look down and see you there.
Why you...
Hold it, Harry.
Take it easy, pudgy.
You know, this ship can travel much faster
if we get rid of the excess weight.
Get it?
I'm with you.
Have you verified your calculations?
Yes.
I checked Palomar and McDonald Observatories.
Their findings agree with mine.
Then according to your calculations, the ship is about to
escape the gravitational pull of the Earth.
Its course from there will naturally be determined
by its proximity to the other planets.
The nearest planet would be Venus.
Hey, what did that?
We've hit outer space.
There's no gravity left anymore.
Hey, you guys are talkin' funny.
How high is it up to Mars?
35 million miles.
Lester?
Lester.
Sometimes I don't feel so good.
I wanna get down.
Well, come on down.
Those gravity shoes will keep you
from floating like that hat.
Don't try to pull anything.
You won't get away with it while I have this.
Oh yeah?
Now the gun is on the other foot.
Get him, Harry.
You make a move, and I'll shoot.
Well, go ahead, shoot.
Are you goin' batty?
Don't tell the guy to shoot.
What are you waiting for?
Shoot.
Gee, Pudgy, according to all astronomical theories,
the missile you just fired from a loaded weapon had no
propulsive acceleration due to the absence of gravity.
Therefore we were in no danger.
Get him, Harry, we're back to normal.
Pull the trigger.
I guess that makes a monkey out of your
repulsive exhalation-tation of your graviation.
And it's the high attitude that's got ya.
Flying saucer.
Oh, you're seeing things.
Oh, no you don't.
Okay, pudgy, you're the boss man now.
But when the chance comes,
I'm gonna push you right off the planet Mars.
That's what you think.
As long as I have this thing, we're not going to Mars.
We're going back to Earth.
There's no doubt about it, Dr. Wilson.
At this point, I can assure you your spaceship
is about to land on Venus.
Amazing.
Congratulations, Doctor, you've made
a magnificent contribution to the history of science.
Not me, them.
They did by accident what I wanted to do on purpose.
Being in no mood for conversation
but desirous of information, would it be asking too much
if I requested to know our present locale?
Being as I can't see a foot in front of me,
I'd say we're in Los Angeles.
Well, I'd say it's lucky for us that we landed on Earth.
We've run out of fuel.
Orville, get a cop.
We're gonna fix you guys for getting us blamed
for all those robberies in New Orleans.
Hold the gun.
That must be one of those jet pilots.
Step on it and don't spare the atoms.
We must warn the queen.
Our planet Venus has been invaded.
What kind of hot rod was that?
Allura.
Yes?
Captain Olivia, Flying Saucer Patrol X-R-2, reporting.
A rocket ship model R-M has been sighted
landing on our planet.
All patrols have been alerted.
Must have come from the Earth.
We discarded that model 20 years ago.
See that its occupants are captured and brought to me.
Yes, Allura.
Double the palace guard.
If our invaders should happen to be men...
What does a man look like?
It's been so long, I've forgotten.
I haven't.
Nor have I forgotten that my man
was the lyingest, cheatingest, double-crossingest male
that ever inhabited Venus.
And so were all the rest of them.
But that happened 400 years ago.
They couldn't have changed.
Guards, guards!
Corporal, Corporal!
They've captured one of the invaders
right here in the palace.
What is it?
I could be wrong, but I think it's a man.
That's a man?
As I remember it, they look something like this.
Although this seems to be a pretty poor specimen.
Jerry, check with the patrol on the space phone
and see if they've captured any others.
Yes, Allura.
Can I get up?
Go ahead.
Thank you.
He looks worse standing up than he did lying down.
Bow to the queen.
Bow to the queen!
Bow bow!
Ow!
What do you want here?
I was lookin' for a policeman.
I didn't know this was a movin' picture studio.
You're a bit confused.
This is the planet Venus.
Oh no, they were trying to kid me before.
When I was in New Orleans,
they were trying to tell me that that was Mars.
And now that I'm on Earth,
you're gonna try to tell me that this is Venus?
Aisha, beam the vis-a-screen.
That must be the Earth, all right.
Harry is still practicing his piano lessons.
I wanna tell ya, I'm really mixed up around here.
I'm mixed up all over.
All I've been doin' is flyin' up and flyin' down
and goin' sideways and backwards.
It's getting so that I'm tired.
I gotta sit down.
Look, the celestial beam of light.
It faded out 400 years ago when men were banished
from our planet.
Could it be a sign that men are to return to us again?
Maybe it's an omen.
An omen?
Omen?
Oh men.
Silence, all of you.
We've done well without men.
Our science, art, medicine and culture
surpass that of any other civilization.
We have discovered the secret of eternal life.
We live in tranquility and peace.
Are we to destroy this by bringing men back?
But the celestial beam has crowned him king.
We want a king, we want a king!
Stop!
What can a king do that a queen can't do?
Be the father of a large family.
All right, if you wish it, you shall have a king.
You mean I'm gonna be the king?
In a way.
What is your name, man?
Orville.
King Orville.
If you'll step into the king's quarters,
you'll find some of his old apparel.
Isn't it customary for a king to have a bodyguard?
With you, I'm afraid the bodyguard would have
to have a bodyguard.
Now run along and dress.
Yes, my queen.
And thank you, my royal subjects,
all of my royal subjects.
Another subject.
King Orville.
Yes, my queen?
Long live the king!
Thank you, my royal...
Oh, the king!
Boy, if our minions of the law possessed
the feminine pulchritude that you girls do,
I would have no objections to incarceration
in the Bastille.
If that is the same as being pinched by a broad,
I am with you.
Don't any of you dare try to escape.
Don't worry, honey.
That would be like resisting an officer.
How do I look?
Delightfully revolting.
Thank you.
Say, how about something to eat?
Maybe could I get a nice steak, a broiled steak?
The preparation of food that way is outmoded.
Food pills are much easier.
We have a pill for everything.
Oh.
She's 400 years old.
A 400-year-old kid!
Where did you capture them?
In the spaceship.
And this one gave me quite a struggle.
That is evident.
I must talk this over with the king.
He's the king?
Take them to the dungeon.
Ah, my Queen.
Just take them two to the dungeon.
Leave my pal Lester here.
You, Lester, may remain with us.
Take the other two away.
Yes, Allura.
Ain't you gonna do nothin' about this?
Just a moment.
Ah, fair flower of Venus.
The sight of you makes my lips burn for your kisses.
It kindles the fires of love in my heart.
The flames sear my soul.
Squirt the hose on him, put the fire out,
and put him in the dungeon.
Yes, oh mighty king.
Queen Allura, I'd like to have you meet my pal Lester.
Are you kidding?
Ouch.
Guards, guards, guards, help, help!
Kiss my hand.
Now you know who's boss.
Who's the boss?
You are.
Say, just a minute.
Would you mind tellin' us why
the queen put us in the pokey?
Yeah, we ain't even pulled a job here yet.
Our queen distrusts all men.
400 years ago, she caught her consort kissing a handmaiden.
She banished all men from our planet.
You mean there's all dames here
and just us four men?
What a spot for a black market.
What a spot for me to be king.
Look, if the Queen banished one king
for kissin' a dame,
it figures she'll do the same thing to Orville.
You think them tights will fit you?
Listen, kid, here's what I want you to do.
I want you to get a hold of all the rest of the chicks.
I must say, it's rather nice to have a man
around the house again.
Are you married?
Engaged?
Have you a sweetheart?
Do you go around with anyone?
Lester.
Are you married?
No.
I've been lonely for so long.
If I could only trust you.
But with so many females,
I fear temptation would be too great.
Oh, you don't have to worry.
I'll let you trust me.
Queen Allura, there's an interplanetary call for you
on the stratophone.
Will ya tell 'em we're busy?
What did you say, Queen Allura?
I'll place you on your honor.
Walk this way.
Hey, what are you doing?
Nothing.
Hold this, let me sit down.
King Orville!
I'll stand for no trifling, King.
Hold these.
What are they?
Those are Venusian balloons
developed in our laboratory of cybernetics.
They possess extrasensory perception.
Your slightest thought of a woman will be transmitted
to the balloon, causing it to break.
Have no fear.
I won't think of another woman.
See that you don't.
For if I return and find one balloon broken,
I'll know you've trifled.
And I'll cast you from the planet,
and you'll drift in space forever.
Just a minute, Queen.
What did you say they were?
Venusian balloons.
Venuza balloons.
Girls, go to your quarters.
You better watch your step, or you're gonna be a goner.
You're right, I don't want the queen to get mad at me.
Uh oh.
Gimme those balloons.
Now you've got nothing to worry about, see?
Gimme the balloons back before the queen
hurtles me through space.
I've got an idea.
Put this glove on, it'll break the contact.
Are you sure?
Am I sure?
Don't electricians wear gloves to protect them from voltage?
- You're right. - Same thing.
I'll put this in that hand.
Put it in that hand.
Now nothing can happen.
I'll take a look at her.
Go ahead.
See, nothing happens.
- It works! - Certainly.
Hold this, I'm gonna kiss her.
Well.
Uh oh.
Here, gimme that, I'm the king.
- No, I don't want it. - No, I'm the king.
- I don't want it. - I'm the king.
No, gimme this.
I knew I should never trust a man.
Hey, the balloons, where's the balloons?
You'll pay dearly for this.
It wasn't me, it was him, honest.
I'll find out how honest you really are.
Sit down.
What are you?
I'm the king.
Well then, show her who's boss.
Sit down!
This is also a machine of extrasensory perception
based on the principle of the positronic brain.
It's able to decipher between the true and the false.
Oh, this is your type of a lie detector.
I have nothing to worry about.
I don't tell any lies.
Are you gonna ask me questions or serve me at a barbecue?
I'm going to find out the truth.
Sit down.
You heard the queen, sit down.
My pal.
What did you think of when that girl came to you?
Nothing.
Stop hollering.
I'm burnt up.
Now, look, Queenie.
If you want to cook me, turn me over.
I'm done on one side.
- Sit down! - Not until I'm ready.
I'm ready, I'm ready!
She's a vicious queen.
The queen of spades, Dirty Dora, must be.
Did you kiss that girl?
Yes, I did.
When you kissed her, what did you think of?
I was thinkin' of you.
Guards, guards!
Seize them.
Refuel the ship and get them off this planet.
Have the two brought from the dungeon.
They'll go also.
I wouldn't make book on that!
Me and my constituents just had a caucus,
and I don't think they're gonna go for your order
of male departure.
We demand a vote!
Just a minute.
Queenie, I request that this delegation be polled.
Silence!
Very well.
Before we put the matter to a vote,
first look at these men, and I use the term loosely.
And now see what men really look like.
Angelica, turn the vis-a-screen to retrospect.
The Secretary of the Interior.
Oh!
The Secretary of the Treasury.
Oh!
The Secretary of War.
Oh!
The king.
Oh!
Fine figure of a man he was.
You can turn it off now, Angelica.
I think I've proved my point.
The question is,
do we keep these sad-looking specimens or not?
All those in favor of sending them back,
please signify by saying aye.
Aye!
Opposed?
No.
You're out of order.
The ayes have it.
Meeting adjourned.
The space ship is refueled and ready to go.
Then get them aboard and speed their departure.
Queen, if it wasn't for these, I'd still be king.
It's over, so let's not talk about it.
If you should happen to think of me,
will you let me hear from you?
Oh, I'll keep my eye on you.
Thank you.
And when I get down to Earth, I'm gonna tell 'em
down there how beautiful you and the girls are.
Thank you.
May I take along a few samples to show 'em?
No!
I'm sorry about the girl.
It could've happened to you.
Ridiculous, I have no feeling for you or any other man.
Get him out of here!
Get him out!
Too bad I couldn't trust him.
He was such a cute little fellow.
You mean me, Queenie?
Get out!
From now on, a curse on any woman who kisses a man.
She'll lose the secret of eternal youth.
Orville, Orville please take me with you.
Oh, I can't.
Lester would be mad at me.
Well, then kiss me good-bye.
- Les. - What?
Les.
Take it easy.
Hey, I just kissed a girl,
and she turned into an old woman.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
How could that happen?
These Venusians are very strange people.
Maybe the queen put a curse on the girls.
Hey, if I kissed a girl on Earth,
would that happen to me again?
It's highly improbable.
That's right.
Anytime I ever kissed a girl, nothin' ever happened.
That I can believe.
Get in that seat.
Now what's wrong?
Captain Olivia,
Flying Saucer Patrol X-R-2, speaking.
What's delaying your takeoff?
Over.
I don't know.
It just won't take off, over.
Check for excess weight, over.
Roger.
Hey, see if there's anything in those lockers
that we don't need.
Everything in those lockers, I need.
I'll do it myself.
No wonder we couldn't take off.
Get 'em out.
I'm sorry, girls, come on.
You gotta go.
I'm awfully sorry.
Any more?
No, sir.
Out, girls.
Hey, some first aid.
Put you go, come on.
Acres and acres of 'em and all goin' to waste.
All right, stand by.
What's happening now?
Oh, they've taken off from Venus,
and they're headed for Earth.
Is there anything you can do to help them?
So far they've done all right without my help.
Hey, pal, I think you burned out a bearing.
Janie, order plane reservations.
They're over New York now.
Liberty, duck!
You missed her.
Captain, send him my regards.
Love has hit me again.
She crowned me again.