My name is Ash, and I am a slave.
- Aah!
Close as I can figure it, the year is 1300 A.D.
and I'm being dragged to my death.
It wasn't always like this.
I had a real life once.
A job.
Ash to price check four.
Um, hardware, aisle 12.
Shop smart. Shop S-mart.
I had a wonderful girlfriend, Linda.
Together, we drove to a small cabin in the mountains.
It seems an archaeologist had come to this remote place...
to translate and study his latest find,
"Necronomicon Ex Mortis,"
"The Book of the Dead."
Bound in human flesh and inked in blood,
this ancient Sumerian text contained bizarre burial rites,
funerary incantations and demon resurrection passages.
It was never meant for the world of the living.
The book awoke something dark in the woods.
It took Linda.
- And then it came for me.
It got into my hand and it went bad.
So I lopped it off at the wrist.
But that didn't stop it. It came back.
- Big time.
Ah!
Aah!
My God!
How do you stop it?
- Surround the stranger!
All right, you men, fall in!
All o' ya, keep a pace!
Where in the hell--
Stand fast, hellhound!
No, no. Easy now, chief.
Uh, I don't know how I got here,
- and, uh, uh, I'm not looking for any trouble.
What a piece of armor this is!
- Wise man! - Fall back! Come on, all you men.
Back on your horses. Come on!
My lord, I believe he is the one written of in the Necronomicon.
He who's prophesied to fall from the heavens...
and deliver us from the terrors of the Deadites.
What, that buffoon?
Likely...
he's one of Henry's men!
- Kneel, rapscallions!
I say to the pit with him!
You shall soon learn the horrors of the pit.
- To the pit! - You miserable bast--
- Get him! - Get off of me!
- Let me go! - Chain him!
Ah, you're gonna have a little bit of wee fun, mate.
To the castle!
Pick up your feet! Stop draggin' your feet!
Come on! Move along!
Come on, now.
Come on, pick it up. Have a taste of this!
You men got something to look forward to...
when you get back to the castle.
Lord Arthur approaches!
Raise the portcullis!
Lord Arthur! Lord Arthur approaches!
That's lovely, isn't it? Move it in.
Move it, you worthless--
- Get on!
Move it up, boys. God save the king!
God save the king. We love him!
Arthur! He's back!
Lord Arthur, where is my brother? Did he not ride with you?
Aye, and fought valiantly.
But last night he fell in battle to Duke Henry's men.
I'm sorry, Sheila.
Come on.
You cretin! Ah, stop it, you bastard!
You barbarian!
- Oh, no! Stop it! Stop it!
Get outta here, you little brat!
Foul thing! A pox on you, brute!
Thou art a murderer! A black murderer!
My brother's death shall be avenged!
Company, halt!
Get that yoke off 'im!
Kill them!
Put them into the pit!
You, sir, are not one of my vassals.
Who are you?
Who wants to know?
I am Henry the Red,
Duke of Shael, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Well, hello, Mr. Fancy Pants.
I got news for you, pal. You ain't leadin' but two things right now--
Jack and shit, and Jack left town.
Shut your bleedin' hole!
Gentlemen, Lord Arthur!
There is an evil awakened in this land,
and while my people fight for their very souls against it,
you, Henry the Red, wage war on us!
Charlatan! Aah!
It was you who first turned your swords on us!
And this evil has befouled my people as well!
Your people are no better than the foul corruption...
that lies in the bowels of that pit.
Right, you're no better.
May God have mercy upon your souls.
God's name! What hell-spawned thing lurks there?
Into the pit with those bloodthirsty sons of 'hores!
No! No!
No, no! Aah!
Oh! Heavenly God!
He's escaping!
- Hold to! - Hold him!
- Who's next? - It's him. Aye, he trembles!
They don't look so clever now, do they?
He's frightened! He's frightened white!
Whoa! Whoa!
Wait a minute. Hold it.
W-Wait a minute. You gotta understand, man.
I never even saw these assholes before.
- Get him in there! - He trembles!
He's begging!
- What are you waitin' for? - Henry!
You gotta tell him you don't know me.
We never met. Tell him.
I do not think he'll listen, lad.
Look.
I'm tellin' you, you got the wrong guy.
Uh, wh-whoa.
- Aah!
How do you like the pit? Isn't the pit wonderful?
- Hai-ya!
- Why, you--
Ha!
Spikes.
Hey! He says, "Spikes." Give him spikes!
Make way! Strange one!
- Strange one!
Yaaah!
Yes!
Damn you. Damn you!
You know, your shoelace is untied.
All right.
Who wants some?
Who's next, huh?
How 'bout it?
Who wants some, huh?
Who wants to have a little?
You. You want some more?
Huh?
You want a little?
Do ya? Do ya? Do ya want some more?
Huh? Huh?
Now get on those horses and get outta here.
Let 'em go!
- Halt!
Thank you, generous hosts!
Sword boy!
For that arrogance, I shall see you dead.
Yeah.
All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up.
See this?
- This is my boom stick!
It's a 12-gauge, double-barreled Remington.
S-mart's top of the line.
You can find this in the sporting goods department.
That's right. This sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Retails for about $109.95.
It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel and a hair trigger.
That's right, shop smart.
Shop S-mart. You got that?
- Yes, sir. Right. - Yes, sir.
Now I swear,
the next one of you primates...
even touches me--
Now, let's talk about how I get back home.
I prithee to forgive me, m'lord.
I believed thee one of Henry's men.
First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me.
Blow.
So what's the deal? Can you send me back or not?
Only the Necronomicon has the power.
An unholy book which we also require.
Within its pages are passages that can send you back to your time.
Only you, The Promised One, can quest for it.
I don't want your book. I don't want your bullshit.
Just send me back to my own time. Pronto, today, chop--
- You shall die!
You shall never obtain the Necronomicon!
We shall feast upon your souls!
Oh!
- It's a trick. Get an axe.
- Guards, stop it!
- Catch the witch! - Death to the witch!
Have some porridge!
Ah, my eyes! I'm blind! Oh, God, I'm blind!
No, don't!
Yo, she-bitch.
- Let's go.
Ya-hoo!
Hee-ya!
- Hee-ya!
If the Necronomicon fell into the hands of the Deadites,
all mankind will be consumed by this evil.
Now will thou quest for the book?
That one.
Hee-ya!
Groovy.
What's the matter? You raised in a barn? Shut the door.
Probably was raised in a barn with all the other primitives.
The wise men say that thou art The Promised One.
'Tis said that thou wilt journey for the book to help us,
and that thou wilt lead our people against the evil.
The only reason I'm going to get the book is to get home.
I believe that thou wilt be leaving in the morning.
Don't touch that, please. Your primitive intellect...
wouldn't understand alloys and compositions...
and things with molecular structures in the--
What are you doin' here anyway?
I wanted to say that all of my--
all of my hopes and prayers go with you,
and I made this for thee.
Good, I could use a horse blanket.
Gimme some sugar, baby.
Hyah! Come on, boy!
Hyah!
- Steady now. Whoa.
What? What is it?
This path will lead you to an unholy place.
A cemetery. There, the Necronomicon awaits.
When thou retrievest the book from its cradle, you must recite the words,
"Klaatu barada nikto."
Klaatu barada nikto. Okay.
Well, repeat them.
- Klaatu barada nikto. - Again!
I got it, I got it! I know your damn words, all right?
Now you get this straight, the both of you.
If I get that book, you send me back.
After that, I'm history. Hyah!
What is it, boy?
Hyah! Come on!
Aah! Come on!
Come on, you!
Hey, let's scare this guy good! Come on.
Ramming speed!
Ooh!
Ready, aim, fire!
- Ooh! - Get away!
Whoa!
- Oh, God! Oh, no! - Oh--
- Oh! - You lousy little--
Oh, no!
Ooh, no! Oh, my!
Uh, ooh, aah!
- Lift up! - Oh, ooh-hoo-ha!
- Ooh, aah!
Aah-ha-ha!
Heh heh heh-heh-- Whoa!
London Bridge is falling down
Falling down
- My fair lady Ha!
Ooh!
Is he up? How is he?
Hey, he's gettin' up.
Hmm, what a horrible nightmare.
Wait a minute. Oh, God!
I can't move!
Aah!
- And go! - Open wide.
Geronimo!
- Hooray! - Hooray!
- Ah!
Okay, little fella. How about some hot chocolate, huh?
How'd you like the taste of that, huh?
How'd you like the ta--
Aah, uh, ugh, oh!
Ah! Oh!
Let me out!
Oh, dear God, it's growing bigger!
Ooh, ooh, I'm blind. I'm blind. Bleh.
Yip, yip, yah!
Oh, hey! Where are you takin' me? Uh, oh, ooh!
What are you?
Are you me?
I'm bad Ash, and you're good Ash.
You're goody little two-shoes.
You're goody little two-shoes goody little two-shoes
Little goody two-shoes Little goody two-shoes
Little goody two-shoes
- Ow!
Little goody two-shoes
Aah!
Good, bad. I'm the guy with the gun.
That'll teach you. Yeah, that'll teach you.
You shall never retrieve the Necronomicon!
You'll die in the graveyard before you get it!
- What's that you got on your face? - Huh?
I'll come back for you!
- Hyah!
Come on, boy!
Hyah!
Three books?
Wait a minute. Hold it.
Nobody said anything about three books.
L-Like what am I supposed to do?
Take one book, or all books, or, or what?
Well.
Whoa. Wrong book.
Ow!
Aah! Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh, you!
I'll get back to you.
Well...
seems fairly obvious.
Ooh, wait a minute. The words. All right, all right, all right.
Say the words.
Klaatu... barada...
Iu--
necktie.
Nectar, n-- nickel.
Noodle. It's an "N" word.
It's definitely an "N" word.
Klaatu barada n--
Okay, then. That's it.
Hey. Wait a minute.
Everything's cool. I said the words. I did!
- Oh! Oh! No, wait! Oh!
You people, seek cover! To the parapet!
Seek your children!
- Steady the horses!
Something's wrong. Something's amiss.
Where'd you go? Where'd you g--
Oh, oh, aah!
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Ow! I'll crush ya! I'll mash ya into paste, you bony cre--
- Hyah!
I'm through being their garbage boy. I did my part.
Now I want back, like in the deal. Hyah!
I... live...
again.
There! The Promised One! The Promised One's returned!
Raise the portcullis!
Welcome home! We're saved!
- The Necronomicon! - Truly he is The Promised One!
- He's brought the Necronomicon! - How are ya?
- He's brought the book! - Yeah, great, great.
- Good boy! - Get the fuck outta my face!
The Necronomicon, quickly. Did you bring the Necronomicon?
- Yeah, it's, it's just that-- - Just what?
Nothin'. Here.
Now send me back. Like in the deal.
When you removed the Necronomicon from the cradle, did you speak the words?
- Yeah, basically. - Did you speak the exact words?
Look, maybe I didn't say every single, little tiny syllable,
- no, but basically I said 'em, yeah. - Dung-eating fool!
Thou hast doomed us all! When thou misspoke the words,
the army of the dead awoke!
Now, whoa, whoa, right there, spinach chin.
You said you could clean this mess up once you got that book.
You said there was a passage that could get rid of this thing and send me back.
It's true, the book still possesses the power to send you back,
but to us it is useless!
The evil has a terrible hunger for the Necronomicon,
and it will come here to get it.
We had a deal.
You wanted the damn book, I got it for ya.
I did my part, now you send me back.
Very well. As we are men of our word,
we shall honor our bargain.
The wise men shall return you to your own time.
Yeah?
- I thought he was the one. - Yeah, right.
'Cause that was the deal.
So when do you think we can...
start with all the thing and the--
He's nothin' but a traitor, he is!
When do you think we can start...
with all the, uh, ceremony and, uh--
Agh! Wretched excuse for a man!
The wise men were fools to trust in you.
I knew he couldn't be trusted.
We put our trust in him.
I still believe that thou wilt help us.
Oh, Sheila, don't you get it? It's over.
I didn't have what it took.
So long.
But what of the things that we've shared?
What of all the sweet words that you spoke in private?
Aw, well--
Well, that's just what we call "pillow talk," baby. That's all.
It was more than that.
I still have faith in thee.
I still believe that thou wilt stay and save us. I--
Coward!
- Look there! A demon!
Ash! Help me!
Sheila!
Yaaah!
- Shoot the bloody thing! - Hold your arms! You'll hit the girl!
Uh, me sword!
Yaaah!
Damn you!
Dig, damn you! Dig faster!
I shall command every worm-infested son-of-a-bitch...
- that ever died in battle! - Thank you, sir!
- You there, handsomely now. - Aye, my liege.
We shall storm their castle and get my book!
Hoist, you damnable varlets!
Welcome back to the land of the living.
Now pick up a shovel and get digging!
- Bring on the wench!
- Gimme some sugar, baby.
Well.
Now, ain't you a sweet little thing?
Don't touch me, you foul thing!
Come on.
That's it.
We got plans for you, girly-girl. Move!
Have you lost your bones, you decomposed gobs? Get thee hence!
A scout approaches!
- Whoa! - Hey, get his horse.
Arise.
My lord, an army of the dead gather in the wilderness.
- They approach the castle. - How far from here?
But two days' ride.
These winged ones are only the first of them.
Perhaps we should leave as soon as possible.
- We could be safe in the mountains. - Yes, the mountains.
- We must flee! - It is written. It has been foretold.
- They'll take our souls. They'll swallow our souls. - I'm afraid!
- I don't want to die!
That's it. Go ahead and run.
Run home and cry to mama!
Me? I'm through runnin'!
I say we stay here and fight it out.
Are all men from the future loudmouthed braggarts?
Nope. Just me, baby. Just me.
How will we fight an army of the dead at our castle walls?
How will you fight that? More words?
Most of our people have already fled.
We are but 60 men.
Then we'll get Henry the Red and his men to fight with us.
Now... who's with me?
I'll stand by ya.
You can count on my steel.
I'll offer up my courage.
- Me sword's by his side. - I'm with you!
- I'll bend my bow to your will, sir. - And mine!
We'll stay!
Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!
Hail! Hail! Hail!
Well, my dear,
say hello to the boys.
- There's a sight for sore bones.
I may be bad,
but I feel... good.
- Who rules? - To you, my lord.
You, sir. To the castle.
The castle!
Hurry up now.
The castle! Let's push.
Heave-ho. Good. Yeah.
Ha! Hoo!
Hai-ya!
Ha! Hoo! Hai-ya!
Yeah!
They're coming! The Deadites approach!
There's so damn many of 'em.
Maybe--
Just maybe my boys can stop 'em from gettin' the book.
Yeah.
And maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.
Battle stations! All right, get those rocks up, mister, on the double!
Ready the catapults! By God, let's give 'em what for.
And halt!
- Company, halt! - Company, halt!
I'll rip his balls off.
Bring forth the scout!
Whoa.
My lord, we are positioned on both fronts.
Fine, fine, fine. Where are they keeping my book?
There, my lord, beyond the wall.
The parapet. That would be the most likely place.
Right. Bring me forth into that castle!
- Forward! - Forward!
Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war!
To the castle!
Fly, mate! Fly!
Death to the mortals!
Arrows.
Torch boy!
Steady.
Fire!
- Advance, you beasts, advance!
Oh! Oh!
Yeah, baby!
- All right!
Sire, there's a second division approaching from the south.
Ram the gate!
Catapults.
Catapults out!
Yeah!
Fire!
Look there!
Yeah!
- Seek cover! - Watch out!
- Make way!
Oh!
Oh, you miserable bags of bones!
Pick yourselves up and sally fo...
Sally for--
Sally forth.
Come on, you miserable wretches.
Lower.
Heave!
Forward!
Buttress the door, now!
Hold fast!
- Back! - Stone these creatures!
Damn you!
Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
Go, you creatures! Arrows!
Load! Fire!
- Heave! Put your...
backbones into it.
We've broken through! The castle is ours!
Kill the mortals!
- Get it achieved and fast!
Their ranks are broken! Have at them!
Ha! Hoo! Hai-ya! Ha! Hoo! Hai-ya!
Pull back! Man the parapet!
Protect the book.
God save us all.
Say hello to the 21st century. Yeah!
Come on! I got plenty for everybody!
Look out!
- Whoo!
- Bye-bye.
It's the one in the cart we want! Get him!
- Yaaah!
Yaaaaah!
Sheila?
- We've secured the courtyard, my lord.
Excellent.
Ooh! Hey! Look out!
- Hey, you're mine, sweetie.
Get off of her!
Gotcha!
Damn you!
- My lord. - Stay with the book.
The book's where we are.
The Red! The Red! Duke Henry and his men have come!
Blows, blood...
and death!
Duke Henry! Ha-ha!
Die!
Onward, valiant cousins! Their ranks are broke!
Oops!
Hello!
There ya go.
The book is mine.
I'll cut your gizzard out.
- Hey, where'd he go?
Come to papa.
Get him!
Oh, you crazy bitch, get off of me!
Ha!
Right.
You found me beautiful once.
Honey, you got real ugly.
There we are.
So you wanna play rough, eh?
Okay.
Oh.
All right, all right.
Prepare to die!
You're going down!
- I'm goin' up. - I'm comin' for ya.
Come on!
- Oops. Excuse me. - Come on.
All right!
You're pissin' me off, you ugly son of a bitch!
I'll spoil those good looks.
Back-stabber!
Hold still!
Tallyho!
- We can't hold the battlements!
We will hold! We must protect the book!
I got a bone to pick with you.
Come on.
Slice that gizzard open.
Now you're mine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
At last, the book.
I possess the Necronomicon.
I've crushed your pathetic army. Now I'll have my vengeance.
Buckle up, bonehead, 'cause you're goin' for a ride.
Huh?
Victory's ours!
- Retreat! Retreat! - Let's get the hell out of here!
- Oh. - Tricky ones, they are.
If it's a fight you want--
Watch 'em, lads. They're an untrust worthy lot.
Move yourself, lad!
- Your hand, man. Godspeed! - Hey, Henry. Yeah, nice goin'.
- My lady. - Arthur.
- Well won, my friend. - We've won the day.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
We're brothers and a new kingdom shall be born!
The book tells us that once you drink this liquid...
and recite the words, "Klaatu barada nikto,"
thou shalt awaken in thine own time.
Remember, you must recite the words exactly.
Hyah!
I thought about staying.
They offered me the chance to lead them, to teach them, to-- to be king.
- Uh-huh. - But my place is here.
- So I swallowed the juice, said the words and here I am. - Did you say...
the words right this time?
Well, maybe I didn't say every single, tiny little syllable, no,
but basically I said 'em, yeah.
Basically.
You know that story about how you could've been king?
I, uh, I think it's kind of cute.
Yeah.
- Die!
Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.
Who the hell are you?
Name's Ash.
Housewares.
I'll swallow your soul.
Come get some.
Sure, I could've stayed in the past.
Could've even been king.
But in my own way,
I am king.
Hail to the king, baby.